I am hurting so bad.

This is beyond my expertise but wanted to ask....

Vets, would Plan B ease Windixies pain?

I know everyone is advising her not to recover but if he is as smooth as all that she prob has a high love bank to deal with and he will be around to harass her to give in soon.

Can Plan B be modified so she doesnt offer reconcilliation? Just for the purposes of healing?

Would you want to offer reconcilliation if he meets MB conditions, Winn or are you done?

indiegirl,
I am such a wreck mentally that I can't think straight. I feel like I still love him, but that doesn't mean I want to stay married to him. I have compassion for him, and what the consequences are for him now. I always had a hard time as a parent, and as an elementary school teacher watching people having to handle natural consequences. I have compassion for WH, and I feel compassion for him. The fact stands, though, that my marriage was based up on lies, he had very little regard for me when he slept with someone for over half of our short 2 1/2 year marriage, and has knowingly exposed me to STDs, which the other woman has.
I don't believe I can go on with this. But I am hurting so bad that I am afraid I won't be able to carry on at work.

I feel weaker every time I see him. he just looks so pitiful.

Go see your physician.
Ask for help with depression/anxiety.

winn, take Peps advice here. Meds can help you through this..it did me. Don't try and tackle this alone, without medical help, when you don't have to. There is absolutely no shame in it.

I have been on an antidepressant since 2002 when you guys on MB helped me through my 20 year, 3 children marriage, and subsequent divorce after a years plan A and B. This is a great ministry you guys are doing, honestly. Thank you all!

Go get your medication fine tuned.
I used to be in that business before I retired after 30 years !

Will do. I have an appt. Friday. Thanks!

Does anyone want to weigh in on indie girl's suggestion? Thank you.

WD, Plan B might be a helpful option for you when you separate. What are your immediate plans?

I feel really sad for you. My father is like Melody's dad - married at least 5 times (I don't have any contact anymore, so he may have remarried several times more by now), affairs all over the place (including with my mother's best friend and his best-friend's wife), many visits to prostitutes (when I was 25, he introduced me to his favourite prostitute in Jakarta!).

My mum was with him for 26 years, she put up with so much. While they were engaged, he got another girl pregnant and had to marry her to "give the baby his name". After my half-brother was born and he divorced the mother, he married my mother. After my parents divorced (he left her), she discovered that he'd even had an affair in their honeymoon hotel (an ex-best friend of my father's told her). Each time he'd get caught, he'd be remorseful. He'd be pitiful and crying. But ultimately it did not stop him. And later he became bolder and meaner, when he realized Mum wasn't going to leave him over his infidelities.

Like Melody's father, my dad is a handsome, smart, charming, funny and totally destructive smooth operator, a liar who cannot control himself. Actually, deep down, he doesn't see why he should control himself. The term "entitled philanderer" describes him to a T.

Despite all of this, my mother was utterly devastated when he asked her to divorce (actually, he asked my elder sister to tell my mother that he wanted to divorce her, he didn't even have the guts to do it himself!). Mum was completely addicted to him. I don't think she ever really got over him and what he did to her self-respect, it hurt her to the day she died.

You're in the early stages of your relationship. Like the others who have posted, I hope you will think very carefully about continuing with your husband. You already know about the pain of infidelity, please protect yourself. Plan B sounds good to me.

Dear Winndx,

You know, that you are worth a man who loves you and only you. This is not your fault. He always was like this.

Sadly, the honorable man you married doesn't exist. He played the part of the man you could love very well, but he did not show you his true face from the beginning. Please realise that the real him is undeserving of your love.

Tell me, would you ever do something like this to the man you love? Would you have willingly cheated on him, from the beginning of the marriage on? Would you have put his health in danger by sleeping with someone with an STD unprotectedly, on a regular basis? Would you treat a person you love like he treated you?

You know the answer deep in your heart. And if you do, you also know the answer to the question if he loves you even remotely like you love him. If he is even capable of loving you that way.

Someone said, that some people tend to view others like we would a very old and cheap used car. You use it as long as it is handy and then discard it. Most of us invest in other people and in relationships (like you would do with a new car), but these people do not value others too much and take care of their 'cars' just enough, that they will keep driving, they just don't have that much invested.

Your husband might be one of those people. He does essentially whatever he likes, without regard to your (and OW's and his former wives' and his dad's) feelings. If you stay with him, you will probably find that he will do just enough to keep you around, but he will never do the hard work to change and make it up to you in this entitled mindset.

There have been many people who have turned around their lives through this website. You know that when you have been around for the amount of time you mentioned. But these were people who made an effort and dedicated hard work into the marriage. From the history of your husband, the chances that he will be a successtory are not good to say the least. It may be better to cut your losses here.

Did you already expose to your friends and family? They will surely provide the moral support that will help you through this, if you tell them.

Please think hard and be honest to yourself. Do not fool yourself that you are helping him by staying, just because he has this puppy look. He sounds like a bottomless pit, that you throw your love in, but nothing of it will ever come back to you. You deserve a husband who is commited to you and who loves you just as much as you love him.

May God bless you,

Happyheart

WDM, your mind and heart will be much soothed, should you find the strength to separate the man who wooed you, and you thought you knew, from the true person his actions have shown himself to be.

I often get grief here, and likely (and gladly) will here again, for urging the posting BSs to allow some rage into their arsenal of useful emotions. You might do well to concentrate on the callous, reckless, and disgusting way he has treated your marriage, and be satisfied that the pile of dung about to land on him was WS-collected.

I also wanted to say that my father was very devoted and passionate at first in each of his relationships, vowing undying love. Eagerly introducing her to his friends and kids. Bending over backwards to accommodate her slightest wants. He even had this feeling towards his favourite prostitute, who later took him for a major financial ride (ha ha, the biter got bit!). It's possible that the fact that you were a "walking infidelity-wounded" person and thus suspicious and especially hard to "land" made you particularly attractive to your husband.

I really don't know if your husband belongs to the same category as my father. Only you can know this. But the signs aren't good, to me at least, and I see other posters feel the same.

Again, please protect yourself. Consider plan B, or at least removing yourself from his pitiful demeanour and oft-expressed regret so that you can think straight and clear.

WH has found an apartment and will be moving out in a couple of weeks. It will be a relief to have him out of the house on one hand, and on the other hand it will be sad. What is wrong with me that I go from one emotion to the other, and still cannot find the anger? I am trying "Never Guessed"!

Yes, it's so hard to separate the man I thought I knew, and the man he has shown himself to be. You are right.

Thank you Mirabelle, Happy Heart, Melody Lane, and Never Guessed for your wisdom and insight. This board is such a wonderful ministry to others!

Maybe you're not feeling angry because you're in shock. Maybe it's also because you've been through the whole thing before, maybe that protected you because you kept that little essential part of yourself safe.

What is your plan? It sounds like you have decided to call it quits, is that the case? Do you want to do plan B? If so, I'm worried about how long it's going to take before your H leaves. Two weeks is a long time to watch your marriage shatter, a surgical break might be kinder to both of you.

Good luck. You didn't deserve this.

Hi Mirabelle,
I am still torn and confused, but I just don't think I can see a future with WH. It is painful having him around (although we are courteous to each other), but he really has nowhere to go until his apartment is ready. It is hard on both of us. We both cried together yesterday, and pretty much decided on D. I guess a surgical break would be good...it's going to hurt either way.
This is such a hard decision. In my previous M, WH absolutely wanted out. This time, WH wants to stay and work it out, but the hurt and lies are just too deep. (I know I keep repeating myself over and over, sorry.)

Yu can vent here, you don't have to worry about repeating yourself.

I understand that it is a hard decision, you are of course as addicted to him as he is to you - and unfortunately, to the other woman as well! He filled your ENs nicely (until you discovered his infidelity) and that's hard to give up.

I wish you all strength in the next 2 weeks, and the weeks after that while you process your grief. It's sad. I watched my father for many years wondering why he kept blowing himself (and many unlucky innocents) up. I still don't have the answer but ultimately I don't think it matters: what matters is that you watch what people do, not what they say (as another poster pointed out so well).

You sound like a person with strong boundaries that protect you. You have many years ahead of you where you can build a true trusting relationship with someone real.

Have you got a plan for when he moves out?