Mike,

Just great advice, which I second....once I asked what I needed to be asked, as Melody and Marital reminded me, then enough was enough.

The past is the past, get busy with MB principles building a new marriage and be done with it. Stop churning up and trying to figure out behaviors which were inexplicable.

Admittedly easier said than done some days, but I'm doing my best to live it.

Thanks.

SadDude, get any question your want answered then try to forget about it. There is absolutely positively nothing that you can do to change what has happened in the past. I wish this site had been around whenever I was having problems. It would have saved me years of "what ifs" that I could not change or do anything about except run myself crazy thinking about things that never really happened except in my mind. I wish you good luck in your recovery.

Has this question been asked of WW: If you loved the OM for 10 years how why did you stay married to me?

Also did you have WW withold SF during any part of this time?

Help,Weld,Mike, Road.
Thanks for the advice. I'll be cautious, but thorough in my questions. I realize, as does she, that we cant change the past.

Road: I did ask, sev. times, why she stuck around if she was in love with him- answer was she "never stopped loving me", or, "I didn't want to leave". Very confusing stuff, and impossible for me to understand.
As to SF during this, yes, she did withold.. I was reduced to being a beggar for years, and this was a very sore spot with me, to the point of much internal anger. Now I know where her passion was.... on the other side of town. That realization stings badly.
It hasn't escaped me that I could be living with the ultimate double agent, who is laying low until the coast is clear. She's earned my mistrust. Too bad there's no X-Ray machine for the heart, but her actions seem to attest to a woman who has snapped out of a spell, so maybe there's hope for us.

SadDude,

I was reduced to being a beggar for years, and this was a very sore spot with me, to the point of much internal anger.... That realization stings badly.

I can attest to that except in my case it was 20 years as a beggar from an unrecovered but ended affair.

My W now claims that her lack of desire is due to age, our ages are similar to you and your W, but it's difficult to accept that so that may be another problem you have to deal with.

Although to be quite honest I think after MB my W stopped fantasizing about OM and that dampened her sex drive. She did admit to permanent reduction in her attraction to me after OM.

In other areas of her life she is very happy with my meeting her needs now due to MB. Win some lose some.

God Bless
Gamma

Allow me to touch on this. The sf I got was bad as well. Its a brutal smash to ones sanity to realize I had to beg, brow beat, cajole and plead for her at times and the a-hole threw done some steak and wine and she went to town on him. Never not once did she suggest sf to me since our child making days.

I have made this a hallmark of my recovery. I have spoken this and written this to her that I will not go frustrated or wait for miracle inspiration for her to share her body. I expect it at a newlywed-like pace until I say I had enough.

For it's the sex, stupid, that she offered to him and I desperately wanted.

So, Dude, I encourage you to make it BIG issue in your EN list and truthfully if she fell short (or falls short going forward) it's a deal breaker. that's how important it is to me.

I never force or hurt my wife, but SF since her dday has been 100% improved.

To be crass about it, I feel like each good session is another session further from the other guy who had her.

There has been no complaints or requests to slow down the pace. She has become someone Ive always wanted in our marriage.

SadDude, It is hard for a person to carry on two relationships at a time. If you go back and read my post I had a PA before my W left me. She never knew but suspected I told her after she left. I own it, it was 100% my fault no question. It was hard for me to keep up with two partners. After my W told me she was leaving I begged to have sex with her one more time she agreed. Afterwards she said there was nothing there. While we were separated she would come over to my house to sleep with me at times. Talk about confusing one morning she came over to my house I could tell that she had been with him the night before. She said something that really hurt me and I broke her nose and threw her out of the house telling her never to contact me again. I fully expected to be arrested (let me also this was the only time I have ever touched her in this way and realize how wrong it was of me)but she never pressed charges. After we were back together I ask why she would come over to sleep with with me. She told me that she never stopped loving me even though she had told me so and the sex with the OM wasn't that great. My W has never had a high sex drive compared to me. I have always been the one to start things. Dude I notice your ages are similar to ours. Recently my W had some test run and there were zero hormones in her body. She had a hysterectomy about 10 years ago. After the hormones were replaced she is like she was whenever we were as teenagers. This is something you might have her tested for. Good luck my friend.

Hey folks. Asked all my typed out questions last night. It's finally behind us.
it was truly horrifying to listen to- even though I asked for it, I still wanted to punch her lights out- I didn't, but instead thanked her for her honesty. Now, time will tell if we can survive it. It's a very bitter pill, and resulted in a pretty dramatic, mostly sleepless night, but it's finally "full disclosure". This AM, just got tested for STDs.
Will move on with MB principles, and see if we have a future together.

Congratulation SadDude now don't do as I did living in the past. There is nothing that you or I can do to change anything that has happened in our lives. Try not to dwell on the answers you got because the is nothing you can do to change the answers. What happened has happened it is over. You have won the battle now all you can do is look to a brighter future. If both of you are committed your marriage will not only survive but grow.Good luck.

Remember this too, despite all that she gave him, she stayed with you. She is a big girl and Im sure they spoke about leaving their families but didnt. Why?

Didnt want to disappoint or hurt the kids? Maybe.

I choose to think that whatever she got from him was lacking in big ways and needed me always.

They got caught in something bigger than them and couldnt get out or didnt want to get out, whichever, it doesnt matter.

SD, you are doing amazing in this process and Im proud of you.

I hear it starts to hurt less over time.

Life just got interesting. On Friday, the OM tailed my WW by car,as she left her job (where we both work, as owners). She spotted his car, evaded for miles in the city, but he still caught up with her at a stop signal, near our home. He jumped out of his car and tried to give her some damaging info about me, but she waved him off, kept her window up/door locked, then drove away. He came WAY out of his side of the city to do this.
Next day, I had a close friend meet with OM at OM's worksite (car sales), and tried to discourage him from future contact. My friend is athletic and pretty aggressive, but he's a smart businessman and used business-language to dissuade contact. I would have been much less "diplomatic". Again,this contact was not initiated by my W, but still is a contact that was not welcome AT ALL.
Another note, this has made me bring up the OM with my W, and I've asked her frequently over the last 2 days, seeking reassurance, that we didn't go backwards because of the unwelcome, surprise contact. She assures me she is out of the spell that she seemed to be under... but I'm "on guard". We seem to be managing a very positive reconciliation, and I don't want to derail that.

What was good about this?

WW did not break NC on her part.

Now you had this happen and now have the opportunity to plan this out if OM can't take a hint.

How about if WW drives straight to the police station?

This has been brought up by a couple of posters, but you have never responded to it:

You need to move, now. Put your house up for sale. In the meantime, rent it out and move TOMORROW.

Sugar... am unable to move. Have a biz here, so we are anchored. W and I both agree, moving is not a viable option.
She seems OK, even with the surprise contact.

SadDude, Your wife should contact local law enforcement and inform them that the man is stalking her. You can also in most states get a restraining order. If the man violates a court restraining order he goes to jail plain and simple. You and your wife have been through enough you do not have to put up with his antics.

Post Script: Looks like my intermediary had the desired effect; There's been no (apparent) effort at recontact, from either side.
Reconciliation is going pretty well- we really have rediscovered each other. There are still moods, tho. We're reading Dr. Harley's brilliant "His Needs, Her Needs", and it's shined a light on so much- I'm really grateful to have found the MB site.
Now I'm dealing with dark thoughts about chance meetings with POSOM. Fortunately, they don't dominate my thoughts, but it is worrisome. But this takes me into a loop that I don't want to be in, that being the knowledge that it takes 2 to tango, and my FWW tangoed willingly.

Sad Dude,

I know awhile back you said something about OM being a car salesman, did you ever expose him at his work place? Did your W meet him when you bought a car?

God Bless
Gamma

the way you sell a house and move.

you sell the house and the business and move.

DID YOU EXPOSE TO OM WORK AND FAMILY AND MARRIED FRIENDS?

Road, appreciate the advice to move, but it's just not an option.
Gamma, HDW, I didn't expose to many; only a few close friends of FWW and me for their solace & advice, my Pastor, our counselor. My best friend was the intermediary with OM after the last contact, and the confrontation took place at OM's place of work, but was a private meeting. OM is long-time divorcee, his W is remarried here in town, he has 2 college age sons, but we don't run in his circle. I was tipped off by OM's scorned former GF, who spotted the A a couple of times during the last few years when she dated OM, so she knows complete details. Needless to say, she bolted when it was clear that the OM was incapable of any honesty, even though he demanded it of her.
DDay for me was Nov 2011; I'm open to advice...