DoroM,

Just wanted to comment that your mom appears to be a very wise woman. I think it will do you good to spend some time with her after your surgery.

AM

How do I send a PM to someone? It keeps saying that PM are disabled?

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How does that work? How do I go through the mods?

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So I went to my first AA meeting this morning. While I always knew I did stupid stuff when I drank, I never in a million years would admit that I had an issue- b/c I really don't drink that often. Did a little AA research yesterday and it turns out, it sounded like I fit right in- basically alcohol was a huge contribution to making my life the disaster it is right now, affecting me and the ones I love the most. And I want to quit drinking entirely --> makes me a great candidate for AA member.

When I thought about my list of EP's, I knew the hardest one on there would be the no alcohol. I knew it would be fine for a month, or three, or a year, but then I knew I'd be in some social situation, where I'd want to. And it scared me, that it was such a big deal. So I decided to try it out.

Afterward, I spent quite a few hours talking with BH. He was pretty cold, said some very hurtful things to me, which I couldn't really deny were true. But when I started talking about the alcohol issue and AA, he grabbed my hand and held it for quite a while I was talking.

Both times I cheated on him, alcohol played a huge part in the situations. Not to say it couldn't/wouldn't happen w/o it, but in these particular instances, it was a big factor...so that's why it's such a big deal to me to face this issue head on- b/c last time I didn't(and look what happened). Still don't know where exactly we stand - but his appt with Dr. Harley is on Tuesday morning.

Sounds like no drinking will have a big effect on your BH so it must have made him uncomfortable.

Breaking an EP would be disastrous, so you are right to get help to seal it up

Had he ever asked you to quit?

My H's drinking did not cause his adultery.
But, him stopping was on my non-negotiable list of requirements.

It works if you work it.
Keep going back.
Every day at first.
60 meetings in 60 days.

My H, 16 years sober & enjoying our happily recovered marriage.

After the first time, He asked me to stop for a while, and I did (albeit- somewhat unwillingly, I'm ashamed to admit). And then he told me he didn't want to tell me I couldn't...so I took advantage of that.


Maybe I'll be able to say that in some years. Regardless, if we recover from this or not, it's an issue that needs to be addressed. I'm actually pretty lucky I never ended up in jail, or in a ditch.

Doro,

My wife cheated while we were dating... It was after her 18th birthday party. We were both pretty drunk. At the time, being young and naive, one of her exes was at the party.

I passed out, and he made his move.

At the time, I blamed the drunkenness.


However, when she had her affair 13 years later, she was stone sober.

It can be, however, a red flag. In the same year her AP began working with her she started "checking out" and she was doing the "girls' night" thing. That helped to create separation.

These social situations you speak of are MORE of an issue than the drinking IF these are situations that you are present without your husband.

By all means, eliminate your drinking, but it is MORE important that you eliminate your Independent Behavior, that you no longer participate in any activities without your husband. That habit is creating a contrast effect in your marriage.

Your H might partially he blaming alcohol in his mind, but really you decided to put yourself in dangerous situations and alcohol happened to be involved.

I suggest you limit your AA interactions to FEMALES ONLY.

...it's an issue that needs to be addressed.

Remember, your goal here is to produce the best DoroM possible. Stepping up to this issue, self-identified, and self-initiated, is huge.

(Besides, the physically healthier you will recover better from the surgical procedure.)

I agree, completely- that's why one of the other things on my EP list is to not be in those sorts of situations unless my husband is there(social situations I was referring to, I was assuming he would be with me-weddings, parties, etc). The meeting I went to today wasn't females only, but that thought did cross my mind- thinking that people trying to recover from things together might have a higher propensity to 'connect' so to speak. Today, I just wanted to go to one, and I didn't have a lot of options d/t timing.

As to the independent behaviors, both myself and BH are quite guilty of that previously. I told him today, that I want to heal and recover with him, but not to go back to the same selfish way we were both living, but to actually be together as one.

Very important.



I think this illustrates perfectly the importance of POJA and not doing anything your spouse is not enthusiastic about. POJA leads to better decisions, because two minds make the decision, instead of one weakness.

I bet you, like me wish you had stumbled across POJA earlier.

Yes...how'd you guess? We were both so independent before we met, I guess we thought it'd work out fine to stay that way. (yeah, you can groan or sigh at that statement). You know, for you guys that have been on here a long time, all this stuff must seem so elementary and you're probably groaning to yourselves (or in your posts) that people don't know it. It might seem like common sense, but it's hard to really know/understand something until you've been taught. After I've read all of this stuff on MB, I'm like, "OF COURSE this makes sense!". Makes me feel pretty stupid.

It shouldn't! It should make you feel enlightened. Quick kicking yourself for what you didn't know and start giving yourself a little credit for the efforts you're now making to learn what you need to know.

Doro,

I don't want to "talk down" AA or anything... However, most AA meetings consist of pretty much nothing but Intimate Conversation. I grew up in and around program people, and relationships and marriages were built and broken all over the place. It makes more sense now - considering the love bank model.

Find women's meetings, and a FEMALE sponsor.

Or, you could ask your husband to participate with you. I had a lot of fun as a kid at program events; dances, picnics, campouts, and river floats. Substance recovery might provide some great opportunities for RC and marital recovery if your husband is PoJA to participating with you!

Even if it's just intimate conversation, it's something that will help/encourage me infinitely. I'm going to get back into my church and find a small group after my surgery, but the thought of going into all of my issues with a bunch of people from church is not very comforting to me. (It should be comforting, but it's more scary, b/c sometimes the people who should should be showing the most grace, fail miserably). Unfortunately, where we live now, I don't have any 'good role model' friends. Just friends who drink/party a lot. All my good g-friends, who can keep me accountable, live back where my parents live.

So I'm on a girl-friend finding mission...or I will be, once I have surgery and come back here.

..the thought of going into all of my issues with a bunch of people from church is not very comforting to me...I don't have any 'good role model' friends...So I'm on a girl-friend finding mission.

Well, my friend, the association of these disparate thoughts presents clarity to the issue, doesn't it?

"Comfort" is probably NOT the ideal thing you should be looking for from folks to whom you would be turning to for support in turning around those elements of your life that are damaging to your hopes for marital recovery.

Characteristics that would be of more utility would be "rigor", "discipline", and "commitment". I don't know the makeup of the congregations of the churches open to you, but it does seem appropriate to start there in looking for people exhibiting those elements.

I need to re-read posts and pick them apart before I post, huh? I understand about the rigor/discipline/etc. I didn't mean 'comfortable', in the sense where they don't challenge me, because I've got friends I can be comfortable around. And they're not doing diddly-squat to help re-build my marriage right now. I meant more, 'comfortable' in the 'acceptance' and 'grace' sense. And then they can challenge me.

Por ejemplo: When I told my sister about what I did, she said she still loved me, would always love me- but yes, she was very angry about what I did, but she was very calm, and I knew she wanted to help me and our marriage
When I told my dad, he angrily asked, "did you even know his name?"

Who do you think I'm going to feel more comfortable telling my struggles/issues to? Who would I seek/heed advice from? They both would show the exact same amount of rigor/discipline/commitment, yet one would do it with grace.

Does that make sense?

It makes sense to a degree. I and on the other hand, it is you shrinking from the consequences of your choices and actions - does THAT make sense?

If you looked at your own actions and your own choices being carried out by another person, what would YOU think of them?

What do you think about your own actions?

Now, you don't have to be shackled permanently by your actions, but part of repentance is facing up to the consequences.

How does your father feel about your husband? Did you stop to think that your actions could have cost him his son-in-law? That everyone in your family that loved you both would be split if you divorce due to your decisions?

I can tell you this; we buried my grandmother last week, and even after two years, I could read on her face as we partook in the celebration of my grandmother's life that she KNEW she almost lost a huge, loving, supporting family to be another notch on some d-bag's belt.

That is accountability you can't buy.