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Hi friends,
I talked to my brother, who is a marriage counselor, and also very Pro Marriage Builders. He agrees with the separation, but since WH seems remorseful and ready to "do the work", he thinks I should leave the option of getting back together open. So, I'm not at all sure how this will all work out, but my brother is looking for a good counselor for us to see, who also has the same philosophy. I don't know what kind of plan you'd call that... since it's kind of a turn-about situation....
Anyways, these are my current thoughts. I will stay open...I just don't want any more hurt. Now...what kind of plan will this turn out to be? Plan B except for counseling? .I would love to hear from all of you. 2X4s or anything, advice, criticism,
Thank you all for listening. I appreciate you all SO much!
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Of course, that is my take on it today. Tomorrow may be different. Still would love to hear what you all think.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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but my brother is looking for a good counselor for us to see, who also has the same philosophy. I don't know what kind of plan you'd call that... since it's kind of a turn-about situation.... WD, could you swing counseling with Steve Harley with Marriage Builders? He is the best in business, short of Dr Harley, in my experience. Your H has been living a lie for a long time but there is no reason he can't change with alot of work. The most important work, of course, would be to create such a transparent lifestyle that it would be impossible for him to conduct a secret second life. No more opposite sex friendships, nights apart, complete openess and transparency. And before you even consider any of that, your husband would have to be completely honest about his past, up to and including passing a polygraph. If he will agree to all this, then you have a chance. If not, then this would be a waste of your time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would love to counsel with SH. I did on the 1st go round, and it helped me in my recovery. I will have to see how the finances are since WH is moving out. I do believe he could turnaround with the right counseling....
It will be interesting to see how much of his past I will learn about. He says he is willing to tell it all. (I am still waiting to hear about his STD bloodtests)
Thank you, Melody Lane.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 158
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I do believe he could turnaround with the right counseling.... That's the key sentence! If you believe this, then you should try it, otherwise you will walk away feeling like you gave up too soon. But I have to add a word of warning: I also saw very deep (apparent) remorse in my father but it never stuck for long. It wasn't long before he was busily dehumanising his present partner into a self-blaming unsteady wreck so that he could sneak around with someone else. Just keep your guard up. I know there are other people on the forum who have reconciled successfully with serial cheaters, maybe you could read their threads to get an idea of what they were up against and what their life looks now. Maybe Melody could point you in their direction because I can't think of any right at this moment.
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Thank you, Mirabelle. Melody Lane, do you know of any helpful threads?
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 77
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By the way, I found my Plan B letter from May, 2002, in the Sample Plan B letter thread under notable posts. It is the 3rd one signed KK.
It gave me a chill when I read it.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Thank you, Mirabelle. Melody Lane, do you know of any helpful threads? WD, you read my post? Is he willing to do all those things? What Steve will do is coach him to set up his life in a way that he can't cheat anymore. To mirabelles point, serial cheaters go back to cheating when they rely on WILLPOWER rather than changing their lives in a way that it would be impossible to cheat.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you, Mirabelle. Melody Lane, do you know of any helpful threads? WD, you read my post? Is he willing to do all those things? What Steve will do is coach him to set up his life in a way that he can't cheat anymore. To mirabelles point, serial cheaters go back to cheating when they rely on WILLPOWER rather than changing their lives in a way that it would be impossible to cheat. Melody is always perfectly to the point. Follow her advice and you'll be as safe as you can be in such a situation. I'll look for relevant threads.
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Thank you ML, and Mirabelle. I totally understand what you're saying.
It is WH's birthday today. WH has gone to visit his daughter this weekend...it is the same town where OW lives, which is making me nervous. It is about 4 hours away. WH swears he is on the up and up. I want to believe him. He sent me a picture (with his cell phone) of himself and his daughter at her house when he arrived there. That's wonderful, but where will he be tomorrow? He doesn't have a clue how this is making me feel! (and I keep remembering that this is a woman he's been back and forth with 3 times over the past 7 years!)
Last edited by winndixiesmom; 02/04/12 01:42 AM.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 158
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Joined: Dec 2011
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It is WH's birthday today. WH has gone to visit his daughter this weekend...it is the same town where OW lives, which is making me nervous. It is about 4 hours away. WH swears he is on the up and up. I want to believe him. He sent me a picture (with his cell phone) of himself and his daughter at her house when he arrived there. That's wonderful, but where will he be tomorrow? He doesn't have a clue how this is making me feel! (and I keep remembering that this is a woman he's been back and forth with 3 times over the past 7 years!) He should NOT have gone. He should have stayed away. He is now in the same town as the woman to whom he texted the following: him: But first I am getting nekkid and getting in the shower
Her: wish I was getting in with you
And this is what OW says he said to her: She said he told her that leaving her was the worst thing that he had ever done. And your husband is so reckless and irresponsible that: OW told me she has an STD (g. herpes). WH admits he knew that, and has been having unprotected S with her, and then coming home to having unprotected S with me.
Melody has made it clear: The most important work, of course, would be to create such a transparent lifestyle that it would be impossible for him to conduct a secret second life. No more opposite sex friendships, nights apart, complete openess and transparency. And before you even consider any of that, your husband would have to be completely honest about his past, up to and including passing a polygraph. If he will agree to all this, then you have a chance. If not, then this would be a waste of your time.He must put in extraordinary precautions. You must write down what you need him to do to feel safe. Do you feel safe now that he's in the same town as the OW? NO, of course NOT! So the very first precaution you need to insist on is that he does not go anywhere near the town where the OW lives. Yes, his daughter lives there - she'll just have to come and see him. Have you exposed to his daughter, by the way? You are letting your husband call the shots. This will lead to more of the same. Take charge, make a plan, and stick to it.
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Thank you ML, and Mirabelle. I totally understand what you're saying.
It is WH's birthday today. WH has gone to visit his daughter this weekend...it is the same town where OW lives, which is making me nervous. It is about 4 hours away. WH swears he is on the up and up. I want to believe him. He sent me a picture (with his cell phone) of himself and his daughter at her house when he arrived there. That's wonderful, but where will he be tomorrow? He doesn't have a clue how this is making me feel! (and I keep remembering that this is a woman he's been back and forth with 3 times over the past 7 years!) Dealbreaker. Has he been told that this will most certainly get him a nasty divorce?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Have you exposed to his daughter, by the way? Call up the daughter right now if not.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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WH has gone to visit his daughter this weekend...it is the same town where OW lives. I want to believe him.
Well, then....when you understand you should "know" to believe us, instead of "wanting" to believe him, and decide to take your situation seriously enough to FIGHT instead of being a doormat and whining about your life, get back to us, okay?
(I do hope POSOW gives him something "nice" for his birthday. Another STD, perhaps, so he can have a matched set?)
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I know, NeverGuessed. If he is moving out though, how will I monitor what he does? Will I be going dark? I don't understand where I go from here.
He does understand what will happen if he has contact. I feel like I need to do more snooping...it just all seems too easy that he will just overnight go from dying to be with her, and to just dropping her immediately. I know I am whining...thanks for letting me vent. WH;s dad, and DDs know what happened.
I'm just unsure about whether I'm going into Plan B, because if I do I will have not contact at all with him?????
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 77
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I went to the dr. yesterday to get meds adjusted. Guess I will have to find the strength to get the big guns out. (I think part of my problem is the apathy I am feeling about whether I want to work this out.) I am still going back and forth. I am still reliving the nightmare, and still seeing what little regard he had for me.
He is starting to look at the MB website. I am going to urge him to make his own account and start posting.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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WD, at least now you know he is not serious about recovery. I am so sorry. I would get your Plan B letter ready and get him moved out now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The fact that he would even GO to the OW's town is an indicator he is not serious in the least. If he were serious, he wouldn't be spending the weekend away from you and he certainly wouldn't be going to the OW's town.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree. I would go straight to Plan B. If he is willing to dangle your heart over a precipice as he is this weekend, you need to protect yourself from this toxic behaviour with Plan B.
I would combine Plan B with divorce proceedings, but that's just me.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Okay, for future reference here's how your situation might better have been handled:
WH: I'm going visit Skank-town this weekend, using as an excuse the fact that my daughter lives there.
WDM: If you do, you will find the looks changed and a divorce notice awaiting your return.
At least this way the nonsense would be dispersed and you'd be talking on real terms. Regardless, there is likely no "marriage" to save here, my friend, since WH, after FOUR forays into the arena, demonstrably has no idea of what the institution demands from the partners, and markedly little interest in learning.
Forget about Plan B; head to Plan D immediately.
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