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Neak #2592832 02/01/12 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Neak
The end of the D process does not necessarily equal the end of all hope. Sometimes it's the beginning. smile.


This is exactly the way I feel. Although I'm the BS, I believe that there is always hope. Even if 99.9% says "no way", there is that .1%. That's enough for me.

The unfortunate piece to your puzzle is that you were the ws. That just means you have some work to do. The news about your child is great news but understand that your bh is extremely hurt and a lot of time may need to pass before he'll even consider reconciliation, D or not.

Make the choice now to make some personal changes WITHOUT any expectations of your husband. Grow into the awesome woman you were meant to be. You can't control him but you can control you.

I wish you all the best and hope that your future is bright. Learn from this experience and make all efforts to not let the past be repeated.


BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11

1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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Pepperband: Thank you for the advice it's much appreciated i think you are right i have to learn to pick my words more carefully (i like "I understand you have the responsibility to protect yourself" and "I will keep hope alive for both of us.") when I speak with STBXH and to avoid putting pressure on him. It's just hard sometimes because i get so excited when he comes around and we get a chance to talk and i feel a little less alone. Also i have been reading hopeful_persons story and have been crying the whole time i've been reading it but thank you for pointing out to me it's truly an amazing story with lots of great advice.

As for everything else in my life things actually have been going quite well I'm on the second week of my new job and it is been going great. It feels good to have something to do all day again I've never been used to staying at home all day especially on the weeks i don't have my daughters. Speaking of my daughters this is my week with them and once again I've been trying to spend as much time with them as possible (made harder by the new job) We went to an art show yesterday and had a great time i got the chance to expose them to the local art scene and they really enjoyed themselves. My middle child is still angry with me and doesn't speak to me very much. She's always been a daddy's girl and has pretty much been taking STBXH side (not that I blame her) since all this started.

I spoke with my STBXH once this week when he dropped off the girls and it went well. I invited him in when he was dropping off the girls and he accepted and we set for about a half hour just talking smalltalk mostly about how his job was going i just sat and listened and tried to be positive. I didn't bring up our divorce or the affair once and i think he was relieved not to have to talk about it for a change. Whenever i speak with him i just trying now to keep the conversation light and fun reminding him of the person i used to be before all this happened. I don't know if it's working but i know it's going to take time. But i just keep telling myself i have to do it for me not him.


WW(me)41
BH(STBXBH)40
DD 16 14 2
D-day 02/07/11
BH moved out 10/12/11
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Your other children are still angry with you, too, even if they are able to interact with you more positively than your middle DD. It's not a matter of taking sides - they are rightfully angry and blaming the person who destroyed their home and family.

You've made so much progress since you've been here, and I'm really proud of you! It's going to take your kids much longer to see the same progress, and to trust that it's going to last. Keep on being consistent and making amends, and they will eventually be able to find healing and restoration in their relationship with you.

Perhaps even say to them, if you haven't already, "It's ok for you to be angry with me. What I did was very wrong, and you should be angry. It wasn't your fault, or your dad's fault. It was mine. I'm very sorry for what I did, and I want my actions to show that. I am following a plan to put up safeguards that will protect my choice to never commit adultery again. Any time you ask me about those safeguards, I would be glad to talk to you about what they are and how they will protect all of us.

"You are so important to me, and I want to do everything I can to be the best mom I can be. I can't change what I already did wrong, but I choose to never go down that road again. I choose to always be here for you. I love you."

Then be patient with them. They, like your BH, are still suffering fresh wounds with every reminder of how things have changed and been broken. Every time they see their dad cry, or come home and there's only one parent there, they are wounded all over again. It takes time for them to heal from that, and to accept their life as it now is.

Once they are not facing so many painful reminders on a daily basis, it will be easier for them to forgive you and to believe that you've truly changed.

Hang in there. You're doing so well!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2593783 02/04/12 04:10 AM
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Had a hard day Thursday went to the courthouse with my now ex-husband and now we are officially divorced frown . It didn't take long basically we had to wait for the judge to see us then he brought us into his chambers asked us a few technical questions and then asked if we were sure we want to do this and i must admit i was hoping my husband would say no but he said yes and so did i and that was it. All told it only took a few hours and our 15 year marriage/25 year relationship was over. I must say that it was very hard day all morning i was dreading it and could barely keep my composure. But at the same time most proud of myself For being able to keep my composure at the courthouse and especially in front of my ex.

After we left the courthouse my ex and i went for a late lunch to talk and i feel we both had a great time. We were laughing and joking swapping stories from better times and from the looks of it it was the most relaxed my husband's been around me in a long time. We spoke about our daughters and he said he want's to help me repair my relationship with our middle child and that we must keep the focus on our children in making sure that they're handling this divorce is best as possible. Of course i agreed with him and thanked him for his offer we then spoke at length about the affair for the first time since D-Day.

He told me that one of the reasons it is so hard to even consider reconciliation with me is the fact that the affair was with his "Former best friend" and said that he probably could've reconciled it was with someone else. But having a long affair and to top it off the affair being with his best friend was just too much. He asked why would i want to have an affair and it hurt so bad to have tell him the truth that basically i got insecure and board and thought i could get away with having some "fun" on the side. Then he asked why then would you decide to do it with "insert 0M's name here" and again i basically had no real reason other than i thought that it would help me get away with it if it was with someone who had just as much interest in the affair not being discovered as i did. I think my husband could see that the conversation was making me uncomfortable and we changed the subject.

After lunch was over my ex walked me to my car and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said I'll talk to use later. And the second he was out of sight i broke down crying in my car. I was so sad for our conversation to have ended even if it was an uncomfortable subject. This is all so frustrating i can't help but think that i could fix things if you would just be willing to let me. But at the same time i know but that's a selfish thing to think and that i brought this all upon myself by having an affair. And the same pain I feel for him leaving he feels 100 times worse because of my affair and who it was with. All I can do now is work on fixing me and hope that someday in the future he sees this new and better me and decides he wants to get to know her.

Last edited by RecoveryLady; 02/04/12 04:25 AM. Reason: Accidentally posted before finished

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D-day 02/07/11
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All I can do now is work on fixing me and hope that someday in the future he sees this new and better me and decides he wants to get to know her.
Oh, RL! hug I'm so sorry things didn't turn out how you'd hoped. I've bolded part of your quote that I think you should concentrate on. Be the best person you can be for YOU and your children. Don't do anything in the hopes that your H will come back.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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RL ........

Have a daily good cry in the shower.
Don't allow those tears to get all backed up.
They cause wrinkles if you don't let them flow.
Look it up. wink

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Well, just one more thing. You will benefit from hearing the betrayed way of looking at this. You won't like this very much.

Quote
He told me that one of the reasons it is so hard to even consider reconciliation with me is the fact that the affair was with his "Former best friend" and said that he probably could've reconciled it was with someone else. But having a long affair and to top it off the affair being with his best friend was just too much. He asked why would i want to have an affair and it hurt so bad to have tell him the truth that basically i got insecure and board and thought i could get away with having some "fun" on the side.

The deeper truth (what is going on inside the faithful's brain) looks like this:

You knew exactly what would hurt your faithful spouse the most.
You chose that option.
You had other options.
You chose a deliberate kill point.
There had to be anger/resentment behind this cruelty.
The lack of empathy and deliberate wounding is why he divorced you.

"I thought I could get away with some fun" is you, swimming in the shallow end of the pool, avoiding the deep waters of insight.

I have a good bull-crap detector, and what you told exBH was/is/will forever be .... a load.

I tell you this not to make you feel bad, but to encourage you to swim in the deeper end .... eventually.
Whenever you are able.

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RL, I teared up reading your post. My heart goes out to you...I want to post some excellent advice from a very wise poster here...

Originally Posted by Pepperband to Harmony2010
My question to Pepper:

not sure how one can lead the other back into intimacy in our current situation?!! To me that would be my H extending an olive branch out to me to talk to me, and he has not done that


Peppers response:

You can't.
Except, you can do the following:

You keep your side of the garden weeded.
You plant the seeds of forgiveness in your own heart.
You look at your remorse and decide what needs to change within yourself.
Examine your warts and blemishes and make appropriate improvements.
You write him that Birthday love letter.
You stop trash-talking him to anyone. ANYONE.
You stop fussing all the time and looking for "justice" or "fair" or measure past errors to decide which of you were "more wrong" than the other.

You become the healthiest, most serene YOU possible.
You become the beautiful soul who glows with grace and wisdom.

So that, should he offer an olive branch, he may be totally amazed by your transformation.


Sometimes all you can do - sometimes the best thing you can do - is work on you. I'll be thinking about you. hug


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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That's not half bad. smile
I don't remember writing it !!!

Coffee time?

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There had to be anger/resentment behind this cruelty.

The power behind this sentence is astounding ... I have goosebumps

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
That's not half bad. smile
I don't remember writing it !!!

Coffee time?


lol Pep, I can brew us a fresh pot! smile


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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The deeper truth (what is going on inside the faithful's brain) looks like this:

You knew exactly what would hurt your faithful spouse the most.
You chose that option.
You had other options.
You chose a deliberate kill point.
There had to be anger/resentment behind this cruelty.
The lack of empathy and deliberate wounding is why he divorced you.

Pepper, this is exactly what I did to my own husband. I don't think I did it consciously, I did not set out to hurt him. Just seeing these words however really strikes a nerve deep inside me. It sounds so much like me it is scary. he knows this too because his exact words to me were "you know an affair is like my Kryptonite and you chose to do it anyway." I am so discussed with myself for even allowing myself to be such a weak, selfish person.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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***EDIT***

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***EDIT***


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***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 02/05/12 09:56 AM. Reason: See below

Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Viper #2593927 02/04/12 09:08 PM
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***EDIT***

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***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 02/05/12 09:57 AM.

BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11

1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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