About 4 months ago my wife told me she was having an affair with a co worker. This was going on for 6 months. When she first told me I was in complete shock. I am 24 and she is 26. We have been married for 4 years and I trusted her completely.

In the last 4 months we have been spending tons of UA time together, as we went on a trip for the winter that we had planned before the affair. At first I was adamant about saving the marriage, but as more time goes by I am seeing less and less motivation to stay in the marriage.

Progress is slow. We have been going through a lot of material, books, workbooks, and for a time a marriage counselor (we aren't going to anymore).

My wife says that she isn't attracted to me. She has said that she doesn't love me several times. She has said that she doesn't like many things about me that I can't change. She doesn't contribute to our finances or planning. She doesn't like to be around me in public. During her affair she had sex with the OM 20+ times in 2.5 months and in the past 4 months we have made love 4 times, most seeming forced. She hasn't shown any great ambition to stay in the marriage (ie. reading books, being proactive about our relationship, etc). She says she wants to stay in the marriage, which could possibly be motivated by the money and assets, business I have been building over the past 4 years. She has been extremely dishonest in our relationship - not just about the affair but about her sexual history as well. She has been dishonest in every way possible (emotional, future, history, etc).

From the above description you might think I am Quasimodo. I am fit, attractive, can meet new people easily, active. I waiting until marriage before having sex and I have only been with my wife.

We have no kids. She has told me that she wouldn't destroy me financially in the case of divorce because she knows that a vast majority of it was my work and planning.

Why should I stay in this marriage???

A simple question many people here probably have experience with:

Is it okay to not expose the affair to people if you feel like this information could harm them?

D-Day 4 months ago. Exposed to many but not as many as recommend here (I had never heard of MB at the time). As far as I know WS has no contact with OM, and hasn't for many months.

Situation: Me: BH W:WS
My parents still don't know. They both have gone through affairs in the past that the ended their first marriages (both BS). My sister was recently just divorced. I am afraid my mother will be depressed because she will blame herself. She was a single mother and was going to school while we were kids and wasn't able to spend a lot of time with us, so she blames herself a lot.

WS's Dad: V-Vet, struggles with depression. Still doesn't know. Same type of situation as above.

Is it important now even after 4 months to expose to people? The WS left her job and previous employer doesn't know either.

There's a reason she told you. She could want reconciliation and renewal, but probably is in a big "fog"--AND hasn't the slightest friggin clue HOW to get to where her heart wants to be
(reconciled)--hence the "I don't love you's" (a.k.a. "I love you; but I want this mess to end, so maybe the easy-way-out is better).

You say she has told you she wants to stay in the marriage, and you follow that with guesses as to "why"; the point is, if she's said that, DON'T be the one to leave--there is still a chance.

Another thing that really is popping out at me--you both stopped seeing a MC. .......and........why, may I ask???

Zaismi, I would hit "notify" and ask moderators to merge your several threads to one thread. This gets confusing, here you say your DDay was 4 months ago, in another thread it was 2 months ago.

Exposure serves several purposes, one of the most important is to kill the affair. When your exposure targets have been the people who have most influence over your wayward spouse, then it also serves a purpose later on to keep her accountable and on track (this is of course when she chooses to abandon her wayward lifestyle and recover your marriage). People close to you and your wife should know what is going on. Your situation involves a wife who has no wish for commitment to marriage, I would strongly recommend that you start snooping, her affair might still be on, or there is already another one. Exposing her affair(s) to your and her parents might help you tremendously.

To whom have you exposed then? Does OM have a wife/spouse/kids? The most effective target it OMW who usually doesn't have a clue of what is going on.

We stopped seeing our MC because we are overseas. We have been reading together, conversing, lots of UA time, and using MB online.

I don't think it would make any sense to merge 3 threads about completely different topics. Even though they are all concerning my marriage and my WS's A, they all have specific questions.

The D Day is in my signature line. My first post I did incorrectly say "2 months ago" which was meant to say 4 months ago. Sorry for the confusion.

The WS has no contact with OM. We are overseas and she has no means of communicating with him besides email, which I have access to. The OM has no family.

Like I said, at the time of disclosure I had no idea about MB or "exposure". We agreed together who to tell. Most of our friends know, pastor, her mom. Most the people that are involved in our lives on a regular basis. From what I read about exposure it is important to do immediately, which wasn't done, but the WS still left her job and cut off contact with OM.

I don't know if the affair has already ended if it is still important to expose more? Seems like the purpose is already accomplished.

Any have experience with fear that exposure could cause harm to the person you are disclosing to I.E. a parent who struggles with depression, PTSD, etc. Worth exposing still? Any thoughts?

The truth doent hurt anyone. Your family must be baffled as to the truth and lying is a cruel thing to do to anyone you love. Merge your threads please as it is time consuming to check your back story on other threads.

Thankyou.

You may not think it makes sense, but you are here requesting help. The people who might otherwise be willing to offer you that help aren't willing to search several threads to get your whole story, so you are shooting yourself in the foot to insist on doing it your way.

Zaismi I have been on your WWs thread. She sounds amazingly foggy and exposure would do her the world of good.

You also need the support.

People who dont recover the MB way, dont recover. Leaving out exposure is like trying to make a cake without flour.

You may not see the need for the flour. But the baker (Dr H) knows the recipe fails every time without it.

If there is imminent physical danger, then don't expose. However, you simply cannot predict how someone will respond. Parents tend to take it hard, but HOW you write the letter can help minimize the feelings they may have. Are you interested in recovering your marriage? If so, you can help them greatly in how you write your letter.

Sorry you are here, but welcome.

CV

You can email the radio show and ask the Harley your question about continued exposure. Exposure is designed to end the affair and to provide a support network for you and the WS to recover properly.

Even though it may seem cruel to expose, what it really does is present the truth and says "this is where my life is right now, I need love, help and support for my spouse and I".

In fact it is loving and not cruel.

Thanks so much for your responses. I have contacted the moderator and will try to get everything together in one thread if possible.

There are already a lot of people close to us that know, but per your advice I am going to write my parents an email and let them know about it. WW's mother knows as well, but her father doesn't, so we will find a good way to let him know about it.

Good deal! here is a sample letter you can adjust as needed:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am writing this to ask for your help and support. We love you very much and want you to know that we are having problems in our marriage and are working to fix them. Between (date) and (date), (Spouse) was engaged in an affair with (AP). If you need proof, I can provide it for you.

We are in the process of recovering our marriage and need your love, help and support. W has ceased all contact with X and we are using a program for recovery which you can find in the book Surviving an Affair. Would you please read it as we are working through it? It will help you better understand how we are recovering and enable you to help us as we need.

We love you and wanted to be open and honest with you. Please feel free to ask any questions you feel need to be answered.

Love,
X

I also wanted to encourage you. You CAN have a better marriage than you dreamed of. Fall in love again and more. But you need to work the plan here.

CV

Looks like they already merged my threads, so now this thread seems a bit jumbled.

It has been a terrible journey these last 4 months. I probably went through the usual feelings related to disclosure - anger, depression, feelings of self loathing. I feel like now I have reached a place where I feel stable. I feel like I am in control of my emotions again and do not feel worthless. I think part of how I came to this point is through conversation with my WW, knowing reasons for the A, and by detaching from my WW.

It is really hard for me to be motivated to stay in the marriage that I have been so hurt in. I am guessing that this is a normal feeling. It gives me peace to imagine being in a relationship with someone who meets my ENs, who likes me, loves me. I am just feeling tired of trying I guess. I have always felt like I have been putting so much effort in and my WW just doesn't care.

I am not saying that I want to get a divorce. I am just explaining how I feel. Maybe others have felt the same and stayed married and everything turned out great?

Zaismi, given the above, and the fact that you have no children with your WW, and your WW started cheating just after 3 years of committing to you in M, why DO you want to remain M'd to her? We can't answer that question for you. Only you can.

All the 'I dont love you' stuff is just a comparison effect of an affair-wounded marriage to the drug-high of an affair. It is pretty typical.

Things are very rocky right now but the more people who know, the more support you will get and the more the fantasy bubble of the A will be popped.

Dingy fantasies dont do well in the light - thats why exposure is so effective.

Z-

Unless Im all confused with different threads and posts, I think your wife is posting here and seeking advice as well.

Im sure its happened here before, but it make for an interesting dynamic.

It may behoove you two to schedule a telephone session with the Harleys as you 2 are showing good signs recovery is possible.

mss

Maninmotion: That is a good way of putting it. I did choose to marry my W because I love her. We have a lot of similar interests, we have fun together, share many long term goals. She is very intelligent, fun, and adventurous. We have built a relationship together and even during this affair we have been learning a lot about each other and how to communicate with each other and meet each others needs. The part of me that wants to stay in this relationship is the hopeful part. The part that wants to salvage what good we have. We do get along great as friends. The part of me that doesn't want to stay in the marriage the pessimistic part/realistic part. I don't want a great roommate - I want a W that loves me and that I can love. I want intimacy. A W that is willing to COMMIT to me for life, like marriage is supposed to be. A big part of me doubts that I can have that with my WW, even though I would want it to be that way. I guess that is up to her.

Right now it seems like she is saying that she wants to stay with me. There is a BIG difference between SAYING that she wants to stay with me and actually ACTING in a loving, committed way; being willing to and trying to change.

indiegirl: unfortunately the "i don't love you" message has been said in one way or another since we were married. My WW almost immediately regretted her decision to marry and has had a hard time committed her heart to me.

I do want to say that almost everyone that we know already knows about the affair. There were only a select few that I withheld the information from for their own sake. I actually just wrote a letter to my parents about it now, assuring them that this in no way is a result of my childhood or something that they have done.

In my opinion the message of unhappiness in our marriage is more a result of a "comparison effect" to a free, unmarried life with no commitments or obligations. I could be wrong.

In my opinion the "fantasy bubble" has been popped. I may be wrong. I hear my WW say that she sees many faults in the OM, that she doesn't want to contact him, that even if we were to divorce she would not be with him, etc. Maybe it is all talk, but I believe her.

I KNOW that she has had no contact with him since around the middle of November. Like I said we are overseas and I have complete access to her email which is her only means on communication.

Thanks again for all the support!

Sounds like she has built up a big love bank for you but something is missing for her,

Do you meet her needs Z? Are you willing to?

To what point in the relationship is it you are wanting to return to?