Msmin it sounds like your H will get his support system soon and not a moment to waste - he sounds exhausted and ready to give up.

Are you willing to do the heavy lifting in this recovery?

Are you two following a recovery plan?

Are you spending 20 hours plus UA time, are you meeting each others top needs?

He needs a boost from you hon, can you do that?

We spend 24/7 undivided attention for the last 2 months and for 1 month more here in Sicily. When we return home I will work, eat, sleep with him ect everything. It will be 24/7 together still.

We really are great friends and always have been, even now I think if you saw us and the way we interact you would be shocked that this is our history. He is a wonderful brother to me. But we both need more then a sibling. I don't know how to change our relationship into something romantic, that part has always been a struggle for me. I really wish it was a by product of having an affair, but I am worried that it is not. His need for romantic love is what I feel is the boost he needs from me. The pattern we set up between us is really wrong and I developed a big sexual aversion to him. We were so inexperienced, I really really truly don't blame him. I am following the mb healing for that. He also needs a boost of commitment from me, and I really want that to be sincerely and whole heartedly given.

We are following a few recovery plans, and going through the material here. Our situation and affair doesn't quite fit the typical mode as there never really was a honey moon faze or a whole lot of good times to fall back on. I know there were good times,there was probably a week that we told each other we loved each other 100 times a day. I know that even an arranged marriage can be beautiful and fulfilling. I really do want to quit viewing our relationship through the lens that I have no voice.

I understand that I have been childish and immature. It is no excuse, but I have had a very nice life, with a lot of people that love me and support me always. I have become spoiled, and think I really do have an entitlement complex.

24/7 UA time is impossible because you have to have time to sleep and work.

COUNT how much UA time and tell us the true figure, please. It is worrying this isnt being counted.



If you have never been sexually attracted to him, Dr H can help with that - he has written q a lot on that subject and he says it can be overcome in the MB plan.

Ill try hunt up the articles for you.

here

How to overcome sexual aversion

If you really want this to work msmin, I would get in touch with Dr H or the Harleys for advice, email the counselling centre or email Dr H to go on his radio show.

You need some specific pointers I would guess. I can also see that your H views it as affectionate when you seek for solutions and affection IS the kind of boost you can give him right now.

I think realistically we spend 13 -15 hours of UA a day. The only time we are not directly interacting is when we are on this website forum, or if one of runs across the street to buy something quick, which takes 15mins at max. We wake up together, cook all meals together, when we work we are working together painting a the same wall ect. We could meet the requirements for 15 hrs UA in one day pretty easily.

I would be very interested in the articles on the subject of sexual attraction, I think I have read some and will look for more. Thanks for the suggestion.

I read this about a week ago and have been working through the practices advised in it.

Ok, great. How about counselling with the Harleys? I imagine this is hard to figure out on your own....

I am not too sure many posters could give you pointers from their experiences there either...

I know there are some specific letters back and forth to a woman who was having huge aversion problems and had never found sex with her h enjoyable. Dr H was very confident.

15 hours a day sounds great. What are your top needs? Is this time being used to sepcifically meet those needs (and your H's too)? Have you both done the EN questionaire?

The remarkable part of all of this is how very little we get into arguments with all this time we spend together. When we talk about our relationship is pretty much the only time that things get tense but even then I think I could count the times that either one of us has even raised their voice.

Do either of you avoid bringing up problems to avoid conflict?

Have you looked into POJA and safe ways of making problems known to each other?

I don't know what POJA means.

I think he avoids conflict more then I do. Although I was always raised with the saying "someone has to be the wiser" which is saying "just let it go." It translated into me thinking: why should I try to talk to someone if they wont let me finish a sentence? Save my breath. You can't reason with someone who is angry, anger is blinding, and why talk if they don't want to hear you?

So I think I did become silent in conflict. Although I can remember a lot of times being emotional or upset and when I tried to explain my thoughts or feelings or concerns with the way we needed to do things I was told to control my thoughts and feelings. Stop being so weak, stop being so horrible, stop being so emotional. I felt I had only two options, just shut up so I can think, or accept the fact that I am a horrible person. Either option ends with my mouth shut.

Maybe I went on a tangent there, sorry.

You havent been following POJA - Policy of Joint Agreement which is very destructive to a marriage.

The good news is it is easy to fix!

I will dig you out a link and some highlights - but to sum up:

Always be radically honest about your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Tell them if you have a problem.

Be calm and respectful and ask for their point of view on the matter. Repeat their point of view back to show you are listening

Brainstorm solutions to the problem to find one which suits both of you.

Do not make any decision unless you have the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of your spouse.

Do not agree to any decision you are unenthusiastic about.

Never ask your spouse to sacrifice for you and never agree to sacrifice something for your spouse.

That is POJA. Two heads are better than one.

Dr Harley says:


"If you follow this rule, it will prevent you from giving so much that it hurts you, or taking so much that you hurt your spouse.

It forces you into the balance you need in marriage to create and sustain a compatible lifestyle and the feeling of love.

This rule teaches couples to become thoughtful and sensitive to each other's feelings when they don't feel like it.

If both spouses follow this policy, they avoid all the Love Busters because they won't mutually agree to anything that hurts one of them."

POJA � the Policy of Joint Agreement <~~~ LINK

Msmin, I am concerned that you are trying to recover the MB way, but neither of you have read this basic concept. Without POJA couples find it impossible to remain in love.

You both seem to be going about recovery in a very haphazard fashion. You need a PLAN. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. I would either do an online course here where you can get an accountability coach or counsel with the Harleys - you are overlooking important things trying to do this on your own.

I know that your husband is very impressed with your proactive attitude to recovery so far. Why not offer to make the arrangements for counselling or the online course to show your eagerness to him?

no we read that right away. I just dont know what all the short hand is here.

OK, but if you are both practicing POJA, why the conflict and silence and letting things go? POJA relies on problems being raised honestly and regularly.

What do you think of POJA?

Msmin, if you click on Forums, then Notable Posts, then Announcements, you will see a full list of abbreviations and acronyms. We use them quite a lot around here!

Welcome! By the way

The reason I raise this msmin is it uite common for waywards to not complain - and resolve their problems elsewhere with someone else.

It would probably reassure your H massively if you were to promise radical honesty - and inform him of any pronblems before they reach disastrous proportions, such as an A.

I hear you are working through the chapters of Surviving An Affair. Have you both done the radical honesty questionaire in there? I am sure he would appreciate your efforts with that one.