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The couple I've been counseling has a long ways to go. I just got a call from the bh who discovered his ww has been texting her AP.
Let me give you some background. He's early 30's. She's mid 20's. Been married 3 yrs. She had an affair which led to their separation and he moved back home (4 hrs from where they lived). He moves in with his parents. A month or so later, she calls and asks to be with him. She moves in with him and his parents. I began speaking with them biweekly a few weeks after her return and I sensed that contact hadn't ended. She denied being in contact when I asked.
So he calls after the discovery and asked my advise. I told him not to confront or reveal the fact that he knows she's still in contact. Im supposed to meet with them tomorrow. Any advise would be helpful...
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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I forget...are you are counselor in real life???
If not...I'd avoid taking such responsibility. As a PEER coach there's only so much you can relate and you typically get too close to your friends to really stand up to the liar/wayward effectively.
I'd say get him to the board.
If he's a paying client...try to get her in and confront her for him. YOU be the bad guy and let him play along. Then direct him....to expose her continued contact immediately while there in your office (call her parents, OM's parents, etc.). This allows him to say...well the counselor told me too and not take the direct hit for the exposure while insuring the exposure is done immediately. Threats don't work...only exposure works.
Just some ideas.
Mr. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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If you've never heard Dr. Harley talk to a wayward wife on the radio -- now would be a good time to look one up in the archives! I think there was one last year in September or October or so...
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The couple I've been counseling has a long ways to go. I just got a call from the bh who discovered his ww has been texting her AP.
Let me give you some background. He's early 30's. She's mid 20's. Been married 3 yrs. She had an affair which led to their separation and he moved back home (4 hrs from where they lived). He moves in with his parents. A month or so later, she calls and asks to be with him. She moves in with him and his parents. I began speaking with them biweekly a few weeks after her return and I sensed that contact hadn't ended. She denied being in contact when I asked.
So he calls after the discovery and asked my advise. I told him not to confront or reveal the fact that he knows she's still in contact. Im supposed to meet with them tomorrow. Any advise would be helpful... Mark, MrW's advice about you taking responsibility to be the bad guy and avoiding exposure is correct. You're doing this in your pastoral role, right? You need to be careful about directing him to do anything that might be illegal in your area/state though. However he gathers his evidence needs to be on him. CV
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Cv, I don't think you meant avoiding exposure, did you? I was thinking exposure does need to happen. I have no problem with playing the bad guy, though. Been there, done that.
Mr.w, before ww came back, I directed him here and again after the first group session. He hasn't come yet.
BTW, my plan tomorrow was to feel her out first and then "turn up the heat".
Last edited by marksaysay; 02/07/12 01:04 AM.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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Cv, I don't think you meant avoiding exposure, did you? I was thinking exposure does need to happen. I have no problem with playing the bad guy, though. Been there, done that.
Mr.w, before ww came back, I directed him here and again after the first group session. He hasn't come yet.
BTW, my plan tomorrow was to feel her out first and then "turn up the heat". Mark, Absolutely not. Exposure is perfectly legal, some of the snooping techniques however are not always legal in some areas. This is what I was referring to. Counseling in an official capacity (a pastoral role for instance) still requires certain guidelines to be followed. I was just cautioning against advising him to do anything illegal. What he does on his own is another matter entirely. CV
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Just thought I'd update...
During our conversation yesterday, ww actually brought up the contact with om without my prompting. She stated he's been contacting her. I told them that they have to plug the holes that allow this by changing her # asap. Both said it was something they had discussed since she still has a phone paid by her mother.
I also directed the bh here again when ww left the table for a second. He said he'd been here and read some things but just didn't post.
Last edited by marksaysay; 02/08/12 05:33 PM.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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