SM, are you getting in your UA time? How much UA time are you spending together each week?

Mike, you and this poster are both early in recovery. It is normal for D to cross the mind of a newly-recovering spouse.

After my D-Day I thought of D as an option and discarded it. Serveral times, actually. It was my mind's way of telling me that I did have more than one avenue available to me if I found remaining with my H too difficult. I could recover, or I could divorce. I chose recovery every time the D option popped up in my mind.

As we recovered from the A, and time rolled by, I found myself thinking of that option only rarely. And then not at all. It was just a part of my healing process, to know that I DID have options.

I am about three years out, now. And I NEVER think of D. Not ever.

I haven't seen that comment from any 'purists', and I'm a little puzzled as to how you got that idea.

Ok, deduct any time spent at movies, watching TV, with children or with friends. Deduct any time in the mornings that is under a 2 hour block. A quality UA schedule that would be the most effective for you - and get the fastest results - would be 4 dates of 4 hours each. That could be 3 dates during the week and 1 on the weekend. Can you do that?

UA time is immensely more effective when you are going OUT.

Since its been almost 2 weeks i though i would give an update:

-Installed VAR in WH car- so far have not found anything
-Have surprised visited WH at work several times- nothing suspicious/ no out of the ordinary reactions
-WH finally stopped his 2 other opposite sex friendships (Yea! I been working on that one for like 2 months)
-I have been able to up the UA time going out to 3 nights a week -I have really made a strong effort to cut down on any relationship/feelings talk ( which is an LB for my WH)
- WH seems to be enjoying the time we are spending together ( he seems more comfortable around me than in a long time - laughing, joking, telling me whats on his mind...) but it seems none of his "feelings" have returned, he still doesn't want to kiss me passionately, which seems to be directly related to his feelings
- We seem to be kinda stuck at a point where we are like pre-A but getting along better than we were pre-A- the problem with that is i dont want to be like it was before, I want it to be better
- as a side note, I actually find it slightly amusing-guess its a little payback for what he has put me though, my WH has gained like 10-15lbs ( spare tire and love handles)since NC, which is driving him nuts since he has always been a thin guy

Be sure to share your feelings about your hopes, dreams, plans for the future, stories from your past he may not yet know, etc. That builds intimacy.


Love Bank balances are like constructing an island in a lake one bucket of dirt at a time. You make an awful lot of deposits (without causing storms of Love Busters that wipe out your work) before you start to see the results. Just keep making deposits; the Bank is building there under the surface!


Dr. Harley's quote on this is "If your marriage isn't better than it ever was after two years of trying, it's probably time to hang up the cleats."



At my house, we call it "happy fat". Truth is, married men who are clinically overweight (not obese, overweight!) live longer and healthier than those who are their appropriate weight. Conversely, single men who are overweight don't live as long as their married counterparts.

The weight gain could also be due to stress, and once he's totally out of withdrawal and you two are in great shape, it might subside.

Long term stress will often add weight gain in the trunk and face.

DNM/HHH,

believe it or not I have actually taken the weight gain on his part as a good sign that 1) hes not trying to make himself extra attractive to the OW 2) that its from the stress of withdrawal, which means NC with OW. (I know I could be wrong and it could have nothing to do with withdrawal)

Its been very hard to tell if hes still in withdrawal or had any,( other than right after dday#2 after breaking NC which he admitted it was hard not to talk to her cause they were friends before) If i ask him hes says that he is over her but he is still not "love" connected with me yet so I just keep trying to deposit the love units.

Honestly right now im just taking it day by day

And my WH just lost his job-

Crap this is how things started to get really bad between us last time when he was out of work- ( thought the affair didn't happen till he went back to work)

How do you keep up the UA time going out when you have no money?

Funny, my W and I have been dealing w/ the same thing as she quit her job(where she met OM). She has @ 3 job offers on the table right now, but each comes with a 1/3 to 1/2 pay cut, so we've discussed low-cost UA alternatives. Just a few:

*more walks, bike rides -- nature is free!
*matinees -- less expensive movies
*more cozy diner eats than fancy places
*finding quality BYOB restaurants (we're not heavy drinkers, but boy are cocktails expensive...$7-$10 a pop. Adds a great deal to the dinner check...BYOB much cheaper)
*more 'day trips' than full-blown vacations...
*attending our tow's First Friday each month
*this may sound cheesy, but taking more 'mental health' days together; that is, utilizing paid time off days that we've earned at work to take the day off while the kids are in school and actually enjoy our house -- and each other -- alone.


...still working on other ideas....

OK someone please tell me what my WH is thinking?

Today is my birthday- WH hasnt gotten me a present in years- in fact he didnt even give me a Christmas present this year and i was unhappy about that due to our current situation ( since he is supposed to be trying to fill my ENs). He just lost his job this last sat- we are going to be in the red $1000-1200 a month, he is aware of this fact ( though i have savings to cover us it will not last forever). He asked me if he should still get me a present and i told him yes and then half joking said it should be awesome- I figured he would spend $50- 100.

I just checked the credit card online and he spent over $800 at a jewelry store. This from the guy who only has "friends" feelings for me and still has not been able to kiss me passionately 2 months out from NC?

Someone please tell me what he is thinking? Is this just a guilt present, if so why didnt he get me something for Christmas, which was much closer to DDay. Is this is way of showing his feelings? OMG we cannot afford $800+ right now.

I know this really isnt a MB question but I would really like to understand his motivations.

Wait and see if you get the gift and then ask why he's giving it to you. He should be able to answer.

Well, with increasing gold prices you can always trade it for food if things get tight...

The dollar is not what it used to be lately. So gold might be the safer option.


If he really spent 800 for you at the jewelry store, you should thank him. I do think that this is a good sign.
Also, if you try to get him to take it back, that may be a bit much for his self-esteem. You know, a few days ago he was a succesful man with a job, and now he may feel kind of like a failure. Think about keeping it, enthousiastically thanking him, while thinking of the intentions and start saving tomorrow.

I do not know of course how tight your finances are yet, but gold is not like an Iphone, which will lose 95% of its value in 5 years of time. It is something that retains value, so if you ever wanted to return it in a few years time, the money would for the largest part not be wasted. (in a worst case scenario)

Happy birthday to you

Happyheart

Oh, I see that it's been some time. Late birthday greetings.

What about an update?

I just hope she actually got the jewelry...