I couldn't remember my password so I am using my wife 'surfangel's' account to post this, she has told we h me she is not interested in MB forums anymore as people will "just rip on me." I on the other hand can use some support from anywhere I can..

Yes, had a lot of problems in the past three and a half years of our marriage. However after two years of MB as finally got to where the both of us were VERY happy around febuary to late july of this last year. I was working as a GM of Mr Motorhome and my "Mitch the Rv Guy" videos were making us good money. My wife finally lost all her weight she had gained (all the weight I cared about at least) got her hair done very nice, got sexy clothing and did her makup and hair most every day. She looked AMAZING my coworkers made comments about how she always looks like she was heading to a photoshoot, and everytime I looked at her I glowed inside. She was also working and was spending all her earnings on herself I didnt care on bit.

Fast forward to September. We had both been tricked (lied to over promised) into going to work for the largest rv dealer grounp in our area where my income was supposed to double they really wanted my video tours. Long story short, they ended up screwing us over very bad, and not just me 3/4 other managers / gm's quit and 10/12 of the sales staff as well. Still paying the bills and looking for a better position. My wife started gaining weight.. stopped doing her hair.. stopped dressing up.. stopped waking up in the morning with me.. Stopped going to bed with me.. Stopped being interested in sleeping with me.. Ok, well maybe she is in a slump.

I get a new job as a internet sales manager for a new online only dealer im town and negotiate a part time flat fee with my last position in order to supplement income while I got ramped up. Well they advertised a "Burn out free work schedule" to me and then scheduled me for over 70 hours a week as soon as I started, six days a week. With the other day spent at job number two.

My wife's effort level hit total zero while I started working 75+ hours a week seven days a week and all I ever hear was about her video game she plays 8+ hours a day (an online game with teams and stuff) or about how we dont have enough money / how unhappy she is.

She then started attacking me on what I consider to be crazy restrictions. We already have a long standing porn ban in the house. Well I have netflix streaming and I but on the second "Girl with a dragon tattoo" movie. Ten minutes into it she was SUPER ANGRY that I was putting on "Basically porn" and that I should turn in off.. I pointed out that there had been ZERO nudity. She then said there would be 'plenty' I offered to fast forward through the movie to show her there would be none, I then did at 30x speed and showed it's just an action movie. She got even more angry that the 'only reason I want to watch it is to stair at the girl' ........ FINE I turn it off.

Later I put on a independent film on life after death. about thirty minutes in there is some nudity, three minutes later there is more and I turn it off. As I do so she says "YA THAT MOVIE IS DONE!" I said "I turned it off" to which she quipped "YA AFTER STARING AT HER TITS FOREVER!!!!!!" ....sigh... fine, how about an old John Carpenter movie (Master of horror) with I checked on IMDB NO NUDITY!! ... Nope! she gets PISSED!! She then demands that I not watch ANY movie with a young girl as a main star, OR a movie with multiple girls in it (She puts on into the blue and such all the time, which under her rules are banned for me) PG, PG13 etc doesnt matter it there is a 'hot' girl... Well that's just about every friggin movie ever made! She is relentless so I agree that anything with 'sexy' as a selling point in the movie nudity or not is banned fine..

She keeps gaining weight... I tell her how unhappy it makes me / point out the MB his needs her needs lists we know so well. She tells me she "Doesnt care enough" to do somesthing about it and says "I admit I put no effort into our relationship, I dont clean, cook, nothing." to which I admit I have noticed but why? She says she is angry that I am not making much money lately. I dig into what ELSE can I do that can help your happiness, "Nothing.." There must be something? NO... N O T H I N G......

I had a NEW, new job trying to fix her money concern.. in sales you sometimes make 11k a month sometimes 2500 she has to realize that I am trying the whole time... What I now get is alone time in the morning while my wife sleeps. I goto work, come home, wife playing her game in a dirty / stained up sweater, some colored PJ pants, hair in a ponytail and everywhere, no makup, fifty pounds overweight, dog hair and dirt all over the floor, a pile of dish's in the sink, no dinner made, I start my laundry and turn on the news. She tells me about her day (what happened on her game, the dogs etc) and I tell her about mine.. She says she is not interested in sleeping with me anymore so I dont even think about that.. I goto bed at ten alone while she starts another "raid"

I am totally depressed. She says I am doing everything right other than bringing home enough money and that she doesnt care enough about me to put in any effort until I do. I already pay (and have for years) all the bills etc she just wants a nice income, which I do work HARD to give her. The other new hire at my dealership texted me asking how to get her dmv papers done, of course my wife was ALL OVER what she looked like (FINE! She's a friggin knockout, SHOOT ME!! I didnt hire her!! and they had us exchange numbers so she could ask me these questions as I am a 10+ year vet of the industry!) My wife is SURE she is "flirting with me" and so I text her "Please don't text message me I hate texting, thanks." Thinking the issue was done. She texts how she used to hate texting when she was w her ex, and no problem, and just help me sell cars." I goto bed and my wife texts her back VERY rudely as me, deletes the message from my phone and I don't find out until my coworker confronts me on how rude I was. Nice... Not to mention that it turn out she is engaged to another woman.. ya what a huge threat.

I used to RUSH home to be with her, it was hard to stay at work knowing she was at home. I would proudly show my wife off to my friends and coworkers and loved being out with her. Now life with her is seeming more like a prison sentence and I feel like a wallet she looks down on for being not full enough for her. I made over 40k last year and this year but that might as well be food stamps to her.

I know that this was super long.. maybe just typing it out helped me feel better a bit..

Can you summarize the issue in 3 sentences for brevity? Thanks.

She says until I make the kind of money I used to she will put NO effort into my needs, gained 50 pounds and all but abandoned me.

She simply told me she doesnt feel like putting any effort into our relationship

Sorry for the pity party guys. I just need to suck it up

No you don't. Never ever suck it up, causes resentment and is counter to all MB advice.

Go back and re-read the old threads and fantastic advice given to you when you were here before. Re-read what your DW said here about her weight gain and the reason for her feelings of insecurity about other women http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2436757&page=1

Do not feel bad about slipping back into old habits. We all do that. Dust off the books and get back to work!

I'm missing something. Is there a reason why she can't work rather than playing video games for 8+ hours a day?

When she was working selling furniture she would call me crying about how she hated it, couldn't do it, etc.. Even though she did very well. It was a huge love bank drain, though she did love having her money to spend. She typically kept it in cash in her purse.

I don't know.. I DO need to make us more money and am working very hard to get that done. How many car salesmen do you know that put in this kind of effort ***edit****

Rv sales just tanked last year down 47% ytd so I had to do an industry change to cars up almost 35% ytd.

She did her hair and dressed up nice yesterday, I wondered what was going on, I told her she looked very nice to which she quipped "I look like sheet" She also cooked a nice dinner and did the dishes. I'm hopeful for sure

Have you ever listened to Dr. Harley's radio show? You can probably find a daily dose of help there to get you thinking more creatively about what you can do to turn your marriage around:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/

It is typical for many a wife to "totally quit" when her husband's account in her love bank is empty, when she is depressed, and when she has nothing to look forward to.

I heard Dr. Harley telling husbands every week how to turn such a situation around.

Do you guys have kids?

What are your ages?

This is Mitch and Tara, kt. Don't you remember Mitch and Tara?

That video is...ugh. Sleazy used-car-guy stuff. My H is a car salesman, and he would sooner poke his eyes out with sticks than pitch like that. He posts photos of the CARS and his contact info; he has one instructional video about a complicated system, and you never see his face. He makes much more than 40k.

IMO, both parties here are too immature to be helped on this board. They react together in a very toxic manner and I really think they need help at a higher level.

CWMI, no personal attacks please, not at all helpful but thanks.

No children, she is 24 and I am 31.

Also, while we DID react 'toxic' to each other back in the day I am happy to report that just about all of our love busters have been stomped out over a year ago now. Really, as much as I complain, things have gotten far better. As for the make over 40k comment, of course 40k stinks for sales, which is why I had to leave the rv business, only been back in cars for two months now, and I have hundreds if not thousands of videos on RV's that up until lately have worked great. Though I do appreciate 'you' being 'toxic'

I asked if you have ever listened to Dr. Harley's radio show. This was not a rhetorical question. Please help us help you by answering the questions that are asked of you. Thank you.

CWMI is right to a certain extent, Sylar. You guys have posted on and off here for quite awhile. You've been guided to the tools to use to create a happy marriage. However, a couple months pass by and one of you pops up and nothing has improved in your marriage. You say things are better but the fact remains both of you are still unhappy and blaming each other for each others unhappiness.

I still don't get why she can't get out and get a job or go to school or go to school part time and work part time. This whole going in and playing video games for hours on end and complaining about a lack of money. This might be disrespectful but both you of you suffere from a feelings sorry for yourself and blame game game.

The real question is do you both want to fix your marriage or not. If you do, then get to work.

kilted, behavior like this indicates that she is depressed, and in such a situation it will not be helpful to post to him about what she should do different. It would be a disrespectful judgment for him to tell her that she needs to stop "feeling sorry for herself" and thus I think it does not help their marriage for us to encourage him to think that way about her.

Now, as for him feeling that way, he is here posting, so maybe we can get some traction encouraging him to make the changes he needs to make.

Given that they have been here this long and are not moving forward, I think the most positive thing we can do is encourage them to contact Dr. Harley (which they can do for free on the radio show!) and see if he can motivate them.

.

Yes .... please start your own thread.

Please phone the Harleys.

Mitch, have either of you had an intimate EN at the top of your lists? I recognize that FS and AS are legitimate needs that should be met...but it sounds so stereotypically shallow for these to be yours and Tara's top needs. These usually fall lower in the rankings...when they were being met, did other things like RC or SF climb up to the top?

not to me, and I would LOVE to be able to change my top need, but as long as I can remember it has been. Tara is a very beautiful woman, when she takes care of herself a total knockout (to me which is what matters)

It may be shallow, but it's not like I woke up one morning and was like "I'm going to decide that my mates appearance will matter the very most to me in my happiness level!" I would love to have been "deeper"

We agreed to start listening to the radio show together and have already begun redoing the books together. My confidence has grown a lot in the last few days

The emotional need to have an attractive spouse is completely valid. It's easier for your wife to change her appearance by losing weight and/or making herself look attractive than for you to change your need for an attractive spouse. It's no more shallow a need that one for affection or intimate conversation.

Dr. Harley gets a lot of flak for putting this in his materials, but he's simply stating what he discovered about what makes a person feel great when with their spouse and makes a person frustrated when that need is not met.