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Hello,
Never have posted here before but have read many amazing stories and am 100% committed to saving my marriage. I have read SAA and HNHN and read both to my husband. I appreciate any help offered. We have been married 13 years this year and have dd13, ds11, dd6.
In 2010 I discovered my husband was having an affair. (had not found MB) I contacted OW and she told him. He told me it was over and that was that. I was never given any details or a chance to verify his time ect. He maintains he spent the night with her once, but never had sex...just making out. He says it was just an EA he needed to boost his ego. Anyways, a few weeks later I found an account for AshleyMaddison (website for affairs). He didn't have a paid account said he was just curious if people really do that. I asked him to leave. He went to a friend's house but began coming home every day to help with the kids, I had major surgery and was on strict bed rest. He did try to meet my emotional need, for him to stay till I fell asleep every night. But I was so devastated I asked for too much. I asked him to come home completely and he said it wasn't a good idea, but he did try to be there for me. As they year ended and 2011 began I was deeply depressed and on meds. We had a terrible fight and he told me he only married me for our son. I shut him out completely emotionally,but just couldn't let him go. I had the divorce paperwork, just couldn't bring myself to file it.
I confided in a close male friend and began an EA of my own. After 2 weeks OM said he had to see me, it became PA. I didn't even recognize that I was having an affair, that's how awful I was. My poor husband found explicit pis on my phone. I denied and lied my butt off. He confronted OM over the phone and OM completely thru me under the bus. It was all my fault ect. I was so awful. I lied to him and betrayed him and then still couldn't bring myself to tell him everything he asked. I was so angry when he said "you destroyed our family." I reluctantly agreed to give up OM, foolishly thinking we could be friends, but in the first week ended up calling him. I decided to committ fully to my husband after and struggled because he was very angry and asked me terrible questions. He had every right to be angry, I betrayed him in the sickest way. I told him I didnt know if we could survive this and he gave me divorce papers. I was so confused, he said he wanted me, but wanted to divorce to "start over." I started making plans to move on and he was upset because I wasn't fighting for us.
I emailed the OM one last time, and realized what the heck am I doing? I told my husband even though I feared he would really leave. And since then I have taken a stand and fought for our marriage. I put EP's in place. Changed all my email, phone, and cancelled FB. Gave him all passwords and told him the complete truth about every last detail I could recall. I set up counseling for us and exposed myself to all of our close friends,and family members. Since may 2010 I have been following the MB program, even when he made DJ and many many AO. I am so remorseful and truely repentant for my sins. I failed him when I should have protected him. I know I made choices that were unforgivable. We have been in recovery this time and I guess i am struggling because it has been a year now an he is being major triggered and mean. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but he says very cruel things and is very angry.
I know there is nothing I can say or do when he's mad, but how can I avoid getting hurt and angry when he says things to hurt me. I just don't know how to move forward. :-(
We are now in IC as the counselor says he hasn't made his choice weather or not to stay in the marriage. I am so sorry for all the devastation I have caused him and I am committed to making it up to him the rest of my life, even if he doesn't believe me.
Sorry so long winded,
Remorsful FWW
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Hi SOG, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem here is that you have no plan of recovery and it will never happen by accident. The fact that he has angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements will ruin any chance of recovery.
I would stop the IC and see if he will counsel with Steve Harley. You need a real plan and a counselor who can help you recover your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Something the way WH/BH can forget he had an affair first. And that they did not go all the way that night total lie.
So first things first stop beatting your self up.
Then start building yourself up. You have to learn how to repair the damage. Call the Harley's and get an appointment. Money that will be well spent.
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We have read the recovery plans but he doesn't agree with all of the MB policies. I have agreed to all the polices and tried to implement on my side. If he will not agree to phone counsel with dr. Harley, is there no hope for us?
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We have read the recovery plans but he doesn't agree with all of the MB policies. I have agreed to all the polices and tried to implement on my side. If he will not agree to phone counsel with dr. Harley, is there no hope for us? What policy does he not agree with, because EVERY policy is what it will take to recover a marriage. It is not a cafeteria plan but a very specific PRESCRIPTION for recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Here is one of Harley's quotes about picking and choosing and it has been my experience that those who don't follow this exactly, end up in bad marriages and often come back here with repeat affairs. The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for the resposnse Melody, I value your thoughts. I have read many of your threads. He doesn't believe it is realistic to enthusiastically agree on every decision. And the love busters are the sore spot. We have been making an effort to spend the UA time but sometimes we only get 15 hours. He works a lot. He goes through times when he is just fit to be tied and mad at every thing I say. And if he wants to vent to me all night I am having trouble taking it.
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Thank you for the resposnse Melody, I value your thoughts. I have read many of your threads. He doesn't believe it is realistic to enthusiastically agree on every decision. And the love busters are the sore spot. We have been making an effort to spend the UA time but sometimes we only get 15 hours. He works a lot. He goes through times when he is just fit to be tied and mad at every thing I say. And if he wants to vent to me all night I am having trouble taking it. Thanks, SOG.  I would not go along with that. I see part of the problem as YOU, SOG. For example, why would you tolerate his venting all night? By tolerating that, you are rewarding him for abusive behavior. The same thing with his lovebusters. Don't tolerate it. If you can't sell him on the idea of following the POJA, then counsel with Steve Harley and have him sell your husband on it. The people who don't like the POJA are either those who don't understand it or those who are so thoughtless and committed to their independent behavior that they can't maintain a marriage anyway. your H stands the most to gain from the POJA and he doesnt' GET that. That is why you need someone to sell him on that concept.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I implemented the first part almost a year ago and have stayed true to eliminating the places where I was able to engage in the affair. We do communicate much better since then. I know he needs to talk about it sometimes and I don't mind answering questions. But what happens is we start off calm and things escalate. He will ask a question, I will answer, he will debate my answer and tell me how it's not good enough or wrong and then I get defensive, despite my best efforts. I end up shutting down or in tears. And neither of us our satisfied just both frustrated and hurt.
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I implemented the first part almost a year ago and have stayed true to eliminating the places where I was able to engage in the affair. We do communicate much better since then. I know he needs to talk about it sometimes and I don't mind answering questions. He should not EVER speak of it again, though. Once all the facts are known, it should never be brought up again. He does NOT need to talk about it and doing so makes it much worse for your marriage. You should stop talking about it. But what happens is we start off calm and things escalate. He will ask a question, I will answer, he will debate my answer and tell me how it's not good enough or wrong and then I get defensive, despite my best efforts. I end up shutting down or in tears. And neither of us our satisfied just both frustrated and hurt. How is that helping your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh for certain it is that he is an A typical personality and engages in independent behavior. But he doesn't want to receive that  I am trying to help him heal any way that I can. So I thought, if he needs to stay up all night, I'm committed to be there for him. That is really enabling? Huh, much to take in...
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Myself and 2 therapists have all said this very thing! That this is destroying our marriage and removing credits from my love bank. But he says if he wants to talk about it I should if I am not hiding anything.
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Check out this article: Recovery may not be complete
Resentment usually appears when an experience of the present reminds us of a painful experience of the past. For example, if a wife had been abandoned by her husband after a fight on a vacation, left to find her way home alone from Jamaica, the resentment of that experience would pop up whenever her husband walks out the door during an argument. Very often, continuing resentment means that whatever it was that caused the painful experience is still lurking in the background. And it jumps out every once in a while when evidence of it's existence surfaces.
The procedure for recovery that I suggest usually eliminates the root causes of infidelity, and that makes it unlikely that present experiences will remind a spouse of experiences associated with an affair. If the only time you feel resentment about a spouse's past affair is when your needs have not been met, when your spouse is engaged in a Love Buster, or when the Policy of Joint Agreement or Policy of Radical Honesty has not been followed, then it's the completion of recovery that's your problem, not resentment.
Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse
I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.
By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.
What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.
I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."
To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."
My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.
Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment. Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've read this several times, thank you. I thought I was being unloving for asking him to stop this behavior sometimes I feel like I'm crazy
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ShadesOfGrey,
Did you answer all of your Husbands questions to the level of detail he needs, or did you omit any of the facts he would find objectionable?
Was the other mans wife informed of his affair with you?
God Bless
Gamma
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I did answer all of his questions in horrible, graphic detail. In the first week after he found out I was not forthcoming. I lied to him and gave him trickle truth. But after that first awful month I came to my senses and answered EVERYTHING nothing held back. He has questioned me several times the same things and I always answered no matter how humiliating it is or how ashamed of my behavior. I gave him texts, and FB info everything I knew. If I deleted stuff I told him about it.
My DH is former Marine Police so he always has more questions. He says he still thinks about this every day.I gave him everything I knew. He contacted OMW by letter and she confirmed they had been separated and were divorcing. She called him and they spoke multiple times. He maintained contact for several months with OM and OMW and left one weekend to confront OM. I have no knowledge of their encounters because I have had NO Contact. I even severed ties with any mutual friends that could possibly inquire about the situation. I do not check up on my husband and he does not tell me about his contact with either of them.
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Myself and 2 therapists have all said this very thing! That this is destroying our marriage and removing credits from my love bank. But he says if he wants to talk about it I should if I am not hiding anything. Don't participate in this marriage wrecking behavior anymore, ok?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Myself and 2 therapists have all said this very thing! That this is destroying our marriage and removing credits from my love bank. But he says if he wants to talk about it I should if I am not hiding anything. Don't participate in this marriage wrecking behavior anymore, ok? I will try not to
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