Ditto.

I thank all of you for your support!

I really hoped that she would've worked on the principles of mb and put a great deal of effort in them. Nothing in life comes easy and if you want it bad enough you have to WORK at it in order to reap the reward. So many people just want instant gratification and it doesn't happen that way.

I was in it for the long haul just wish she would've been too!

I really do love this woman and hopefully with time I can get over her.

You will.

Its interesting how she set this whole thing up, counselling before she admitted to the A, and so on. Then when she is faced with the truth of how she was really running away to some fantasy, she chose the fantasy over accountability, work, and individual integrity.

Your right it takes work at every point in our lives to appreciate and value what we have. There is no easy way out. You will be just fine just keep coming back and venting because people here will support you in your healing.

God Bless

Just a quick update,

Looking back at the past 5 months and how I have changed I can say I am at peace with who I am. I am a better husband-one that put his marriage top priority-knows mb principles and knows how to adopt them into a relationship. A better father/dad-because I know the importance of a nuclear family on children---a better brother because I saw how selfish I was with my time and how I neglected those closest to me-and finally a better son because I can actually listen to my mother and see that she really knows what she is talking about...

Now for my ww she says that this process hasn't helped her---I say that is toooooo bad, because change is action and you have to initiate action in order to change--someday she'll know that following your feelings will cause you more pain than if you would've cross referenced them with you brain first.


Time heals all wounds and the scar she has left for me will forever be visible, but the pain that it caused will diminish with time.

Innerstrength,

you cannot let the decisions your wife has made leave you with scars, none of the choices were made by you, she is the one that needs to be accountable for them.
you were hurt by them but you didn't make them or chose them you did not hurt anyone by them.
accepting her and knowing she did her best with those decisions because of her lack of change or learning should help you, we all only do what we can with the knowledge we have............to expect anything different might be a waste of our time...........
As long as you have learned and have surfaced a better man then you will survive your life knowing you can handle and change if you need be so you can be in any situation or any relationship.
Knowledge is powerful and learning to be the best person you can be is why God put you on this earth.........
You should be proud of your effort and your success.......
jessi

Hey all,

It's been two months and I can actually say that the time has gone bye fairly quick. Keeping your yourself busy is key through this time I have found out--just as the vets said.

I have had no contact with ww for two months now and it has allowed me a peace of mind. I am very proactive when it comes to people trying to tell me about ww activities--I tell them I don't want to know and they respect my wishes. She has tried a few times to communicate with me and I absolutely will not unless it's through my IM.

Waywards don't have any respect for those they have hurt and what gets me is they think that the kids who are affected will walk away from this just fine. I have seen huge changes in my children and my 6 year-old already knows why mommy and daddy are not together.

Pretty sad when she says "mommy is in love with someone else" and then I have to explain that married people don't do that and that is why we are separated. I make it very known to her that I did not want our family to be broken but that we can't control other peoples choices but our own.

I know I have grown because it could have been very easy to bash her and place a lot of blame but in the end I know my daughters will know the truth. I will not lie to them and my ww will have to take the heat when it comes and believe me it will eventually come!

Pretty ironic--I am listening to the radio and Sara Evans song "I get a little bit stronger comes on" absolutely the truth! She went through the same hell as a lot of us!!!

Good to see you back. I won't ask about her.

How are you holding up health wise (mentally and physically)?

What's happening in the divorce process? (if you even want to talk about that publically)

Mr. Wondering

Hey Mr. W.

Thank you for asking.

I am doing well. I took myself off anti-depressants over a month ago and am still working out. I have been rodeoing a lot with my friends and even take my girls with me so time has been flying bye and I'll be starting football up in 2 weeks already.

Very important to stay busy and active and be around people that support you and kick you in the azz when you get pouty.

As for the divorce we are both agreeing to most everything and letting the lawyers handle it. I will not let her overrun me whatsoever though and if it isn't in the best interest of my kids I am not for it. Divorce is not the route I ever wanted to take but she gave me no choice-sad! But that is life!

I always prayed to recover my marriage and feel that I did my part (actions) to do so! So I can say I have a clean conscience.

Wonderful!

Glad to see you're doing so well. You are doing good by your girls ... they don't need another parent lying to them right now. Great job on taking care of yourself and your little girls

Just wanted to send an update.

Football is underway, we had our 1st day of school yesterday, I am living back in the same town as my ww, and oldest daughter started 1st grade.

On the last day of school I found out that ww was in contact with OM-that was the straw that broke the camels back for me-so when the 1st day of school drew near I was hesitant about emotions etc--It was nothing like that-so glad I am back-get to see my oldest every day-get to coach a sport I love-

My life has changed in a short 3 months and the reason I keep going forward is that I believe God doesn't do things to you he does things for you. I still love my wife-not the person she became but the one she was--however I realize I didn't make that choice to ruin the marriage and I control only me! When you really understand that you really can start to heal.

Posting here helps me tremendously! If I can help one person that would suit me just find.

I love the saying "Fear No Fear" I use that with my football team!

Thanks for the update. I read it to Mrs. W and both her and I are still pulling of you.

I see the divorce is proceeding and hope it continues to take a really long time. I always recommend depositions....especially since you have such young children who won't remember the true facts about their lives. If you don't document what happened in her own words...she's destined to altering the facts and minimizing her actions while dragging you down to her level. 10 years from now...with out a deposition transcript to back it up you'll be getting "mom says you two just grew apart and that you both caused the breakup of the family". Once the divorce is final..you won't get another opportunity to document the truth about your life as the unrepentant waywards goal is secrecy and redefining sin.


Anyway...I hope she wakes up soon..you are sounding stronger and she's running out of time. Either way...YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

It's easy to see how Christ took away all fear isn't it? Fear is a slave driver and puts us in bondage to itself

Glad you are doing well and sound good

Mr. W,

Thank you for your post. I haven't seen Mrs. around for sometime tell her hello. She sure spent a lot of energy on my ww and I will always be grateful for that.

As for getting a deposition I already have proof of the affair so that when my girls get of age I will let them read it for themselves. There is no way for her to lie her way out of it. Both families will keep her accountable for the truth as well (both sides know I was fully committed to recovery and worked to become a better husband). So I guess that is something I am not worried about. Am I being to passive???

CP--Agree totally! 3 months ago I feared everything that was coming in the future--today I fear nothing.. Amazing, but true

IS, good to see you back! I am glad you're doing well, feeling better and at peace.

WPG,

Thanks for the shout out! I still keep up with your thread and am pulling for you. I only wish my ww was more like you!

Keep fighting the good fight girl

The following is the all-too-common WAYWARD script.

--------------------
MIDLIFE for Dummies

Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journey's you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck. In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this Roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!

Chapter 1
Choosing the correct speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.

b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c) We got married to young. I never knew anything besides you.

d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2
Lessons in building anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1
Monstrification of your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2
Emotional Detachment

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3
Mass confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4
Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3
The Other Person (or OP)

Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women/men want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.

Chapter 4
Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).

Chapter 5
History Revision

It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!

Chapter 6
It's all about you!!

Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!

Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!

Chapter 7
Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away

This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone. If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!

Chapter 8
MC and Therapists:

Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her/him. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).

Chapter 9
I Don't have to if I Don't Want to and You Can't Make Me!

Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything. This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!


Chapter 10
"How to threaten" and/or "How do move out".

You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).

If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer

Chapter 11
Art of Clinging

The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.


Chapter 12
Advanced lessons

This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.

"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".

This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.

Appendix

HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY

1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.

2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.

3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"

4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OP. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.



DON'T LET YOUR SPOUSE GET TOO INDEPENDENT - STATEGIES FOR SUCKING YOUR SPOUSE BACK IN

1. Make negative comments about OP or the chances that the relationship with OP will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OP.

2. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.

3. Do random acts of kindness such as yard work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.

4. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.

CUSTODY
Using the kids to your advantage.

If you have children, they can be extremely useful for inducing fear and panic in your spouse. Recommended phrases include, "You're poisoning my kids against me", "You put that idea into their heads", and "You need to do [insert pertinent action here] for the sake of the kids'." Remember, your spouse, being a responsible and loving person, is not only trying to cope with his/her own feelings, but trying to protect the children, and you can use that to your advantage.

Don't forget to use the fact that if you spend any time with your kids, you should get Extra Credit Bonus Good Parent points from your spouse. It doesn't matter if you feed them ice cream for breakfast and have them watch "Hellboy" when they asked for "Veggie Tales", you Just Wanted To Make Them Happy, and since YOU are the best judge of Happiness, that makes you Super Parent. You can use this opportunity to trash talk your spouse ("Isn't this more fun than what Mommy/Daddy would let you do?" "Mom/Dad doesn't know how to relax.") which of course, will be repeated back to your spouse so you get the benefit of destroying their self-esteem second hand.

Highly advanced MLCers may want to start casually using the word Custody, but be very, very careful. While useful for sending your spouse into a state of panic, you certainly do not want to be responsible for a bunch of kids who will seriously cut into your personal fun time. The word Custody should only be used in a casual tone of voice for the most devastating effect.

BUTTON PUSHING

You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.

THE BLAME GAME

By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouses fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.

There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement

I'm trying not to blame YOU

This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement

I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I cant' live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.
(There are many more I'm sure you can think of)



These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement

You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.

All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults. Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.

Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!

let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."

Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."


How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....


HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON

1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.

2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that: a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a -

YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!

I copied this from Pepperband!

I think EVERY BS needs to read this!!!

Hits everything to a T!!

Your WW has posted that you are dating OW while still married.
Sad news.

Road,

That is correct I did! And I was completely wrong for doing it. I ended the relationship because I realized I did not want to show that type of behavior to my children. My D is to be over in a week and I will wait a considerable amount of time before engaging in the dating scene.

Absolutely no excuse for my behavior

IS - We are so proud of you!