This is Tara, I made a new account so he could keep that one. I don't know if I should post on here or make my own. I don't want to distract from the help he wants to receive, though I know in the past we have been told to make separate threads.

No we haven't listened to the radio shows, we just now got to the point again to where we are starting to re-read the books.

Yes we have been here to these forums a few times before, but we have made progress over the years. Slow progress is still progress right? We were doing really well for a little more than half of last year, and things were going really well for us. My jealousy was still a problem, but everything else was working. We were both working, both making really good money, I was losing weight, dressing nice, looking nice, and I felt really good about myself and our relationship.

Lately we just have hit a big rough patch due to me shutting down in our relationship. I have been really depressed for the last couple of months.

Last week we read the chapter on my #1 need (Financial Support) and his #1 need (PA). I'm making small steps to meet his need by doing my hair every day, and taking care of my skin, writing down my calories and trying to watch what I eat.

What's causing you to shut down?

Why don't you give Dr. Harley a call on his show and get him involved? Slow progress is still progress, but it doesn't need to take years.

I'm sorry but this is going to be a bit harsh. On at least 5 times in my adult life, I have suffered from severe clinical depression that required medication. The first time was when I was in college. Despite being severely depressed, I went to school full-time and worked full-time. The other 4 times, I was employed and worked throughout severe depression (one time I was almost suicidal) without missing a day of work in a very stressful profession.

Notably, you, yourself admit above, "We were BOTH working......and I felt really good about myself and our relationship." (Emphasis added). Perhaps the reason you felt good about yourself is because you were actively living life, not sitting around in your pajamas gaming. Maybe the reason you felt so good about yourself is because YOU were actually contributing to the marriage instead of relying on your husband to do all the heavy lifting.

You're not a child anymore. Get off you butt and get a job if financial stability is important to you. Stop blaming your husband who is trying to earn a living to support both of you in a line of work that has been severely affected by this horrible economy. What would you do if he weren't supporting you? I'll tell you what you'd do...you'd have a job and be earning money because no one else would be supporting you. It's time to grow up and be an equal contributor to your marriage.

What were you jealous about? The solution Dr. Harley recommends is NOT for a spouse to try to feel different, but for the other spouse to accomodate their feelings.

We were making really good money, we both had WONDERFUL jobs. Things were working great. Then we had a man named "Steve" (another business partner) come along and sell us what sounded like an awesome business opportunity. So we both quit our jobs to pursue this opportunity at a different RV dealership and it went south. Fast. REALLY Fast. We spent thousands of dollars to pursue something that was failure from the beginning because we were lied to. We were stuck with the company, after all we had bills to pay especially rent. So we re-negotiated our position with the company tried our BUTTS off for 2 months, and got lied to by the company again. One month we made less than 1k.

Story made short, at that point both my spouse and myself were depressed. He was upset that he left a job where he was making great money for a crap company that refused to see any benefit in his skill and his wife stopped looking nice for him. I was depressed that my need for financial support went out the window. I just completely stopped working on my physical attractiveness and as I started to gain weight it just sent my esteem further down the hole. I have gained about 15 pounds in the last 5 months. I have been using my gaming as an escape mechanism from dealing with life and more specifically my marriage.

Though in the last couple of weeks my husband has noticed my withdrawal and I finally told him exactly what was going on with me, though not in the nicest way. I also said I didn't care about meeting his need, but that was just me throwing a temper tantrum. I do love him very much, and I need to remember that his needs are just as important as mine if not more so and just because my need isn't being met to my standards he shouldn't be punished for it.

We have 1 car, he works 30 minutes out of town. Public transportation is not a realistic option for a job, especially if I want to go North/East of my house. I've even considered going back to my furniture sales job that I hated, but I need a car.

I have struggled with my jealousy from the beginning of our marriage, it's always been there. It's gotten A LOT better over the years, but I do have self esteem issues and my spouse has a big ego .. lol. I might make unrealistic demands on my husband, no texting women, no female friends, no watching porn, no watching movies with nudity.. etc.

He had a female co-worker text him last week and I flipped out. No yelling but I was mad and made it very known that I was.

Part of my jealousy stemmed from how I was treated my first year of marriage, and the rest is issues that come from unknown .. maybe just a personality flaw? (not that I'm allowing that to be an excuse, it's not)

Though my husband has done a WONDERFUL effort in making me feel secure in our relationship over the last 18months. I am very proud at how he handles my jealousy, I know it's not easy for him.

You know you might be right, I did like the extra income. I LOVED being able to go to a clothing boutique and come home with 200 dollars in clothing, or if I saw a piece of jewelry I liked I could buy it. I could spend money on all the makeup and expensive skin care products I wanted. I found a salon I loved, dyed my hair blonde for my husband per his requests, and could spend hundreds of dollars doing it right.

I do like feeling useful, I have an extremely competitive personality. I treated my whole job as a competition to be the best and I did VERY well though I hated the job.

Please don't ignore my husbands posts for mine, he was looking for help first.

I need help too! lol

Spicy,

I think you know what to do, since it has not been so long ago when your marriage was far better. You do have the clothing and makeup and lingerie you have bought yourself when times were good, get a shower and make yourself attractive again. If clothes don't fit, then be creative, even nice hairdo and makeup can do micarcles. Clean the house and start a nice dinner. Somebody has to be mature enough to break the cycle and stop lovebusting. And reread LB and HNHN - revised edition of the latter is available for a while by now.

Quoted for TRUTH!

Are you guys getting 15-20 hours per week of UA? if not .. that is a major underlying problem in regards to your feelings towards one another. I would do as suggested above .. read the books together again OUTLOUD ... discuss them and get back to dating eachother again.

I can tell you from personal experience that Gaming is draining your marriage unless you two do the gaming together! Online games such as world of war craft .. and other massively online games are just setting you up to consume all your time and energy AND on top of that .. they are cesspools for EA's. Soon you will be chatting to guys you meet in game (if your not already).. and inviting them to your face book and MSN etc... and complaining to them how horrible your hubby is and you will begin to compare them (from only your conversations with these online people who only tell you want you want to hear) to your hubby who can not compete since he is at work all day while you fulfill your emotional needs of conversation to your guild members ... Its a CRAZY cycle ... get out of it .. and start treating yourself better ... get a treadmill and run each day to kill off your cortisone in your body (which amplifies depression).

Someone has to stop ... and who ever feels that they are the most mature should be the one to start the ball rolling with the material here.

MNG

I have a problem, and would like to seek out some advice from any of you.

My husband has a female co-worker that is young and very attractive. I do have problems with jealousy but this woman is really irking me the wrong way. The way she talks to my husband, I have never in my life talked to a co-worker this way .. she is very overly friendly. She has been texting him even after my husband told her to stop. She continued to do so and claimed "tell your wife I'm sorry." Her apology means nothing to me I want it to STOP. Yesterday she called him asking why he wasn't at work, and he told her that he didn't like talking on the phone.

He is a car salesmen but I don't see the need for her contacting him at all except to say "such and such customer came in looking for you." He claims that she is gay, but I still feel threatened. He is trying to do all the right things and yet the love points are draining.

How do I handle this without throwing our marriage into chaos?

Well he FINALLY told her off today, as she texted him AGAIN. So, hopefully she will get the message.

Have you answered MNG question about your UA time?

Also listen to this radio clip at the 5 min mark:
Jealousy

Try this also:
Opposite sex Friendships

Your Husband needs to tell his boss this is going on, that he finds it offensive and he wants it to stop. His employer then has an obligation to put a stop to it or it becomes sexual harassment.

Since he has made a definitive statement for her to stop texting, the next step is to:
1) Ignore all further texts. Do not respond in any way. Otherwise she will learn that she will get a response if she just keeps trying.

2) Go to management and tell them what is going on and that he has tried to address it directly with her (which is what they want you to try first) but she is not listening and could they please talk to her.

Your husband will say "But I don't want to get her in trouble"...Tell him she is the one who has crossed boundaries and when told directly not to has ignore the request...so she is the one who has caused this to happen.

It was unbelievably crazy. Last night she said the dumbest remarks, saying that my husband is kept "under a tight thumb." That she is going to flirt it up a storm with him, that she could steal him away with a smile, a skirt, and a thong. She said she was going to wear a short skirt on Tuesday for his shift. All sorts of crazy non-sense. She also said she wasn't going to wear any underwear.

He is going to call management today, she crossed a line so hard because she couldn't get her way talking to my husband the way she wanted. He also changed his number this morning.

I also found a text from MY cell phone from her on January 7th, that I accidentally responded too. Something definitely random happening there.

We have a POJA about him not having female friends given our history.

Yes, we do get LOTS of UA time in together. If I'm playing my game for too long, he will usually let me know. We have a Blockbuster Movie Pass and will usually find a movie to watch together every 2-3 days. Last night we played a little bit of poker together. We have games that we try to play together.

He needs to show his employer her texts for them to see.