Got it. I will see if I can find someone to be in the house with me at least during first exchanges.
And I said I will post here if I snoop again. I did today but I have a good excuse (don't we all?).
I noticed I was becoming delusional with hope that WH will be back with the right attitude, the right words, and act like a man and a gentleman. So, I went to snoop to come back to reality.

You don't need to snoop to get a taste of reality. If you need a dose of reality, look in your email. If there's no email from the IM telling you he wants NC, he's still wayward.

You really don't need to know more than that.

There are is a lot to love about estrela, but one thing just glaringly sticks out at the moment. This girl listens and then immediately implements what she is told to do. No muss, no fuss. No hemming, no hawing. No arguments, no excuses. Just execute the plan.

Gotta love it

Big hugs to you estrela!!!

Ummmm MOSTLY.

Plan B ESTRELA. NO EXCUSE IS GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH. Do you know what happens to you when you "peek"? First, you get this rush of feelings. Then, if you think that the thing you snooped on was good for you and your marriage, you get a little bit of hope that you didn't have before. If you think it was bad for your marriage, you lose a tonne of hope. THen, when the initial contact is over, you start to go through withdrawal, AGAIN. You start to think about your WH, and you obsess about the A. These cause your LB$ to go DOWN. But you know what else happens? You CRAVE MORE contact. That's right, you start to look around for other ways to contact your WH. You need more of a fix, because this one didn't do enough to keep you happy for long enough. Then, you rationalize another peek, or full on calling, emailing, looking, ANYTHING. Then, you decide that it wasn't that bad. You can handle it. And then, you stop Plan B all together and you put yourself right back where you were.

Do yourself a favour, STOP IT.

Now, figure out what triggered you to peek, and try to eliminate that trigger.

Now that my "heavy hand" has swung my 2x4, how are you doing?

There is a question I have been meaning to ask you, and I haven't yet. What colour are your toes?

Started to reply on the "mostly" part, and then read the rest of your post..and you're dead on the money.

Painfully learning my lesson... you are soooo right.
Yesterday night I felt strong and good about myself and my decisions (got my fix right? Even if what I saw was not good news, still contact of course).
Then I guess the withdrawal hit, and now I am soooooo miserable. Could barely sleep, woke up at 2:30am and could not stop obsessing about everything...
I was literally between calling WH and asking him to come home and calling a lawyer to file for D.
Trying to make decisions in the early hours of the morning is not a good idea.
Then I saw your post now and it all makes sense. Unnecessary additional suffering.
Hope I learned this time! I cannot do this to myself anymore. It is already hard enough.
My toenails are buffed. I do not like manicures, pedicures, not really a girly girl...

I knew there was a reason that I liked you. I'm not a girly girl either. Before Plan B, I barely wore make-up. I don't get pedis because NO ONE TOUCHES MY FEET. I do like nail polish though. I like it to be BOLD. And guess what I bought the other day? A nice pair of heels, RED, 5 in stilettos. YEPPERS. I can stand in them, and I am able to walk for a bit, but I LOVE them. Throw some colour on those toes, even if it is just a sparkle. That's your mission for today(or tomorrow) go out and find yourself a cute little colour for your toes. I like metallic silver. It's my FAVE. And that goes well with the peep toes on the new heels.

The peeks aren't worth it, and now that you know, you'll stop it right? You CAN do this. Stick to Plan B and I PROMISE that you will not only survive your WH's A, but you will THRIVE.

Agree. You may not feel it right now ... but we can see your strength. Just keep working the Plan. You are going to be okay.

(((hugs)))

Hi! I've been around, reading threads (even saw my thread referenced once! not a great feeling to be a poster child for serial cheating BS, but if my story helps anyone... I've been helped so much by many of the stories I read), and wanted to do an update.
First just say again how grateful I am for all the support I've been getting here. You guys and girls have made such a difference in my life. Usually you get just the right word I need to hear...
I think I am doing OK.
No snooping, keeping a dark plan B.
I am still obsessing about life and WH more than I would like to, but things are starting to get more clear.
WH came back from trip on Friday. Called the kids and pick them up on Sunday. It was tough watching them leave the house...
The kids were OK and came back happy. I felt relieved.
Knowing that he was just outside had a big effect on me, but did not last too long.
The night I knew he was back, I woke up hearing a knock on the door and thought it was WH trying to come back... of course it was nothing... maybe the wind.
I am not sure anymore if my main goal is to save the M, but just be in the right place for me and the kids.
I guess I am still open to an unlikely turn of events and WH change of attitude, but right now it seems this possibility is becoming more remote with each passing day.
Steve Harley told me to take a month at a time. I will do that. I won't make any decisions right now if I do not need to, but I feel strangely detached from WH and anything related to our past. A certain sadness, for sure, but not much more. I guess that's Plan B acting, right?
WH's mother called today looking for him. I told her he had not come back home. She was surprised, said that WH told her during his visit that everything was now OK. Not very surprising, trying to avoid conflict...

Right now, in Plan B, your main goal is peace/serenity/protection.
That's it!

You have not divorced WH.
You have removed yourself from the pain and chaos.

Keep working on a tighter Plan B.
It will help you gain your strength back.




God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


There were days ..... when I had to repeat this over and over and over and over and over and over .....

Let's give this goal a name.
Let's call this Plan B PSP.

Thanks Pepper!

Hi, Estrela, it was me who cited your thread. You're not a poster child for serial cheated BSs, you're a poster child for BSs who do things properly in the MB way! You showed and still show remarkable courage. I'm glad that things are going better for you.

Hi Mirabelle! I am OK. I've been in Plan B for 3 weeks now.
Have not heard or seen WH during this time. However, I still trigger when he gets the kids and drops them off. It is weird... I think I will get used to it.
I still have a hole inside when I think of my M. I would like to stop thinking about it for a while...

It's really important for you to have some times, even if they are short, where you don't think of anything to do with this mess. If you start with little moments of happiness and joy, they will grow to fill the void.

Pretty soon your life will be nearly all happiness and joy, with an occasional dark spot, instead of the other way around.

This describes MY life right now. AWESOME. I didn't even realize that.

So Estrela, how is the no peeking coming along?

How are the exchanges working? What is triggering you about them? Have you thought about not doing them at your home if they become too much?

Now, have you found a new hobby? What do you do for YOU while the kids are out? Have you purchased that sparkly nail polish yet?

Post here whenever you feel you want to vent. Do you have a journal? I know that helped me a lot.

How are things going? Really.....

Hi Scotty,
I was just coming to vent when I saw your post!
I've been having a rough couple of days. I've been missing H, not WH, I don't even know who I am missing.
I guess I am missing that warm, manly body in my bed or in my life (sorry, I know I am soooo simple - my WH used to say that, that I only had one thing in my mind...)
I miss him during the day too. Miss having our talks about the day, etc.
I also keep questioning our M, what was so wrong about it that drove him away... I know it was his no boundaries issue but I think about what I should have done different, etc. and I read all the other posters and feel their pain going through the same stuff... and don't feel too hopeful about the future of my M.
I remember how hard it was to recover after the first A, and I do not think I can do it again after this one, not that WH is even trying, but anyway...
I am trying to do things for me. I am going to yoga and it's been helpful. Work also has been distracting. Kids are really cute and caring.
And I guess it also bothers me that I am left with all the responsibilities for the house and kids (not much change there, since I was doing all by myself anyway before) and WH is going out with the ho and having a good time, pretending he is single again.

Also, got a bad cold today, and not feeling great. It might be just that putting me down. I should feel better tomorrow... good night!

estrela, now that you have asked, what do you think you didn't do for him that caused this behavior in him? I mean, simply in your mind and opinion, what do YOU think? What emotional needs were not being met by you, as far as you can see?

The reason I ask is that, from your last post and others as well, I just don't get the sense that you did anything really awful. While message boards don't fully convey emotions, your writing conveys your anguish better than most. Like I said, a lot gets lost in translation in the typed word, so what do YOU really think?

None of this really makes sense to me and only points to a serial cheater. Sorry to say that, but that is what I sense.

{{{{{{{estrela}}}}}}}

TW - thanks for the post.
I agree, we did not have anything major in our M. I could have taken better care of his need of RC, but it was not as if he was asking for more time together and I refused. He was comfortable with his IB and leading another life outside the house.
When I read books on how to build a great M, I see things I could have done a bit differently. Maybe. But it takes two, right?
I think it makes sense to admit that he is a cheater.
And I need to make this clear for myself, because if he ever tries to come back, and if I ever consider rebuilding our M, I need to make my standards really high, or we will just go back to pre-A M and I will be here again in no time...
Like Neak said, I need to find moments of happiness and joy, and forget this mess for a while... even if just a little while...