HI All,
I joined this group almost 1 year ago. I found my husband in the middle of an EA. Suspected it for awhile but he denied it. Discovered his phone records and contacted the OW for clarification. When he discovered I called her( I assume she told him as I did not), he basically 'seperated' from me by moving into the other bedroom, telling the neighbors he was divorcing me, etc. After 2 months of his drama,being a respectful wife, staying sane etc. I contacted an attorney, he found out and decided to come back to me only if I went to counseling to talk about what was wrong with me.
We went to a Christian based counselor who follows the Emerson Eggerich's principles of Love and Respect. THings were going fine until we got to 'his' part of the equation, at which point my H walked out and said he wasn't going anymore. Counselor felt H had one foot in and one foot out of the marriage and suggested I do individual counseling myself and would be happy to counsel us again as a couple if H changed his mind. This was October.
Fast forward to now. I am ready to walk. My love Bank is empty. If I was financially able I would probably file tomorrow. Maybe this is Gods way of slowing my roll and taking the steps to rekindle my marriage.
Here are some stats.
Married almost 3 yrs. No children, I am 48, he is 47. First marriages for both. He has 2 children, never married mother.
I made more money when first married but H does well too. We split bills 50/50. H never wanted to do a joint account so everything is seperate. He will not even pool any of our assets. I do the bills,out of my account give him the total and he pays 1/2. He won't involve himself in the bill paying.
Lost my job 2 yrs ago, rather than sit around I started my own business, with his blessing. Successful, but no income yet. He still insists on me paying 1/2 of the bills, even though he can afford all of them. Now I must work a PT job just to get income to pitch in. Very stressful.PS I am a very good with money, no spendthrift here!No debt, no expensive habits etc. but not a tightwad either,
H never compliments me (ever). I know I look good if I get a butt slap every now and then. He is neither verbally or physically affectionate. If I hug him, he will hug back etc but only if I initiate.
Sexual relationship is 0. Again, only if I initiate. He says his excuse is that if he initiates, I turn him down. I did for a time as I had an ovarian cyst and was in pain, didn't know it though. He thought I was faking I guess.
Time spent together is 1-2 hrs a week. I work 6 days and only have Sundays off. He spent Mondays, Thursdays and Sundays during football at the neighbors (all men). We plan 'date' night every Friday or Sat but he hangs out with his buddies before our date and is usually buzzed by the time we see each other. Dinner conversation is minimal.
I have no access to his phone (blocked/does not get detailed bills) or his bank accounts. He will not give me access either, I have asked. He does not know or care to use the computor but has access to all my info.
If I do something he does not like, he shuts me out physically and emotionally. He can go WEEKS without talking to me. Last time, he got mad as I told him my feelings were hurt when he spoke on the phone to a co-worker about another woman he works with, while we were in the car with 2 other couples. I addressed it when we got home, was soft spoken. He said he was done talking and walked away, I started to cry and he just walked away went upstairs, went to bed. He refused to speak to me for 6 weeks,like cordial as a new roomate would be. He will insist on sleeping in the same room however.
Ok, I hope I didn't overextend this board but I know from reading, details help. My question is this. We had another blowup on superbowl. He is again not speaking to me. If I am to even attempt to save my marriage, what do I do? Is a letter of radical honesty in order? Do I print excerpts from this site and share? I really am at a loss. I really just want to bury him in the backyard plant a tree and call it a wash but the dog might dig him back up. No really, I am really angry and hurt but I keep praying and trying to find a blessing in each day. Its just really hard as all I want to do is cry.
I hope I did this correctly. Thank you all.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, jbub! Or maybe I should say 'welcome back'? You mentioned that you came here almost a year ago during your H's EA, yes? Can I ask how much reading you've done on this site to learn more about Marriage Builders and how to build your marriage to avoid the issues you're dealing with?

The reasons I'm asking is because I'm seeing a lot of things in your post that tells me that the two of you are not working as husband and wife, but as co-habitants of a house. That's not marriage. That's joint tenancy of a property.

I'd like to give you a couple of links to some articles that I think might be helpful for you.
Love Busters

This link will take you to an interesting thread that may help you determine how emotionally invested you both are in your marriage:
Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders

Instead of being 'buyers' in your marriage, you both sound like 'renters'. You need to do the work to change that. I'll leave it at that for the moment. Read those articles and then come back with your questions. We'll go from there.

Wow, thank you. I have read and looked into this forum but did not see this article. Interesting thing is that ever since we got married I have felt like a room-mate! I would express this to my H and he just shrugs it off. Initially when we first got married, he moved into my home. I did not feel it was a Joint home so I suggested we sell it and buy a place together, which we did. I have wanted a joint account. It's just that every time I try to join things together he refuses. I definately don't see much of my actions reflecting the renter personality but am open to your thoughts. I even made him an officer in my newly formed S corp for the business but he does not give ANY input or help with the books. Probably gonna hurt me in the end if we get divorced.
I have read Love Busters as well as many of the other articles (the forums are I little tougher to navigate but I do look for things-very informative!) SO how do I encourage a buyer when I have a renter?
It seems like the more things I do for him turn into a raising the bar situation. SOme of this was addressed in counseling. Examples of my selfish demands according to H are: Not letting him get phone numbers from my single friends and chatting them up when he wants. Not wanting him to continue talking to the EA as he doesn't feel it was an EA and I am just insecure, getting hurt feelings when he ogle's other woman in front of me, again I am insecure Etc....
Anyhow, I can still give it a shot. At the best, it helps the marriage, at the least, it puts in writing some of the verbal things he says to me and I can see it and stop wondering if I am actually hearing himn correctly. So, how do I approach it? Ask him?(my parrot gives me more direct answers than H). Hand it to him, leave it on the bed.
I do want to give it a shot.I waited a long time to get married and now I feel like a complete idiot.

rereading sacrificing. Oh crap. Big photo of me. Which I guess goes into Radical Honesty. I did pleasantly agree to many things he likes to do. Gore movies, go right ahead with a male buddy. Fishing, football sure,just give us some couple time too, a mutually fun activity. Well, he would conveniently FORGET our planned time. Ok, well please cancel your plan you made when you 'forgot' OH NO-fit time. THen our time would get pushed back. I would say, well, if you are Ok with doing this knowing I am not comfortable with it (honesty) he would resort to ignoring me for weeks or say 'Oh well, sorry YOU feel that way" and go do it.After awhile, I got tired of fighting the battle as a giver. I even journaled this and could see it morph. When does enthusiastic agreement turn into doormat??? If only 1 person does the POJA then what?

So why do you want to be married to him?

He has some great qualities. I fell in love with his sense of humor, his work ethic, his commitment to his kids, what I thought were similar values. We have mutual interests as well is independent interests which is nice. Of course he basically just told me tonight that I am pushing him away and he wants a divorce-not the first time of course, so maybe its a moot point? Maybe I should move this to the divorce thread.

jbub, how would you like us to help you? What is your goal?

Sorry had a meltdown moment. He uses the divorce thing as a bullying tactic and it works every time because I back down and its back to his way or the highway. I really want to give MB a try. I did some more research and thought Plan A and B would work and was planning on doing my letter and giving it to him for valentines day. Scared to death as I do feel my H is having an emotional affair of some sort and one of the changes I need to see would be access to his phone as well as more financial support. I did write the letter but rather than put in the changes-since we have been guessing for so long and screwing up-I thought have each of us do the EN and LB questionaire and share it. Would that be the way to go? I can post my letter if it would help since he is out'drinking and smoking cigars with the boys.

HI all, I haven't received too many replies. Since my husband has requested a Divorce should I start a new thread? I have written my Plan A letter and am taking steps to prepare for plan B. Would love some guidance from the folks on the site. I am reviewing more of the posts too, but would love to know that I am on the right track. Not sure if the fact that I signed on a year ago has anything to do with it. I really do want to give my marriage this one last shot.

jbub, I would like to know what you and your H have done to salvage your marriage. It appears that you have done nothing, regardless of the fact that you have had a year to read and implement the tools on this site. Your husband has done nothing, because he knows he doesn't need to. You'll put up with what he dishes out.

My suggestion to you would be to take him up on his offer of divorce. Let him know that you will no longer tolerate living in a marriage of convenience for him. Ask him to leave and file for separation.

Actually, we did go to counseling. It was a biblically based counselor and it did work, until we got to 'his' stuff. I did not try the tools here as I was very caught up in the 'respect' will bring about love methodology, and it actually helped me grow a lot.COunseling ended in Dec.and my parents arrived. I started reading the forums again over the holidays as I saw the counseling was not working and I wanted to try MB. My parents were here for 2 months so I waited until they left to implement. So no, I did not do anything on the forums at the time I signed in last year, I took a religious route. As soon as that wasn't working I signed back in to try PLan A/B. Are you saying its too late? Many people seem to come back from much worse.

Some clarification. Our joint couseling ended Oct. I did continue with my christian counseling through a womans group which was December. That stopped when my parents came out.

So, then - it didn't 'work'.

'Respect will bring about love? Huh. I respect a lot of people, but I can't say I've ever fallen in love with someone because I respect them.

No matter. Would your H be willing to counsel with Steve Harley? Don't waste your money on a typical marriage counselor. They have a poor success rate and, as you have discovered, really don't know squat about how to save marriages. They are geared more toward concentrating their clients on personal introspection and self-betterment. As you have also seen.

Jbub,
I know Eggerichs Love and Respect so I understand what you have been trying to do. I think the most empowering question you can ask yourself is "What would you do if you were not afraid?"

Plan A? Ask him for POJA? Give him your LBer questions filled out. Ask him for 15 hours a week of UA?

Are things getting better or worse or status quo?

Fill out your LBer and ENs. You might find sex isn't a top need of yours so no big deal. If he really is in EA then make a plan. Do the plan A, find your deadline, and then do Plan B. How are you holding up?

Thanks for asking bigpicture. I appreciate your understanding. I gave him my letter and the questionaires. I asked him tonight if he read them and he said yes but since we've been through counseling and done all that, he doesn't want to bother. I asked him why he is so unhappy and he said all we do is argue (not true at all-can't argue when you don't talk very much). He really couldn't give me an answer. I asked for him to fill out the questionaires so that I could be aware of what some of his needs were so that perhaps I could provide a less argue filled environment and that I felt our marriage was worth a try. He refused, said he was done. He could care less what my needs are at this point. I am devastated. I can't even spyware his phone. I can't even see through my own tears right now. If I wasn't afraid I would try to reach out to his family for help but no proof would backfire.

Hi jbub,
I just wanted to chime in and encourage you to hang in there. (((((BIG HUGS))))) to you and I will be praying for you. It sounds rough. As we all know, it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It also sounds to me like he's probably not ONLY having an EA but maybe a physical one too. I sure hope you are not still meeting any physical needs for him at this point, since you can't put your fingers on what he's doing and how he's spending his time.

This is not something I've endured in my own marriage, but I lived it year in and year out in regards to my parents' marriage. The pain and anguish my mother lived is still VERY deeply embedded in my memory...even though I've forgiven my father and moved on. What I can say and wished someone had told my mother sooner is TAKE CARE OF YOU! (She was always focused on us kids and her work, and many women would've easily cracked under the pressure, embarrassment, STD-risk and belittling Dad subjected her to.) I know it may be tough, but please don't drive yourself batty constantly worrying about your H's whereabouts and activity. Get out of the house on a regular basis. Play tennis. Go running. Go biking, hiking, something. Burn off some of energy in positive ways. Get a spa treatment if you can afford. Take a trip. Enlist the help and emotional support of your girlfriends if you have them. Trustworthy ones, that is. I'm just saying that some positive distractions could be really helpful right now. As selfish as it might feel...focus on YOU!

And Dear Lord, be thankful that you DON'T have kids with this selfish *@#%*!^ !!! I refuse to call him a man!

Blessings,
MM

P.S. My parents divorced, stayed apart for 13 years or so and then REMARRIED. And my pops ended up cheating AGAIN! Your DH sounds a lot lot my dad - narcissistic. They can't see past their own needs. Every problem in the relationship gets attributed to the wife because they are 'gods' of sorts and couldn't possibly have any problems!!!

BTW, Meetup.com is a wonderful place to find like-minded activity groups. There are book club meetups, dining groups, travel groups, sports groups and other hobby groups of many kinds. Girl, life is TOO short to be all pent up and eaten up trying to force your H to reconcile when he refuses to try.

I don't mean to oversimplify, but do TAKE. CARE. OF. YOU!

(((((MORE HUGS!:-))))))

In order to have a smart plan you need the truth on whether he is in an affair. Find the thread on snooping and get the truth. Then make decisions about what plan you will pursue.

THanks you all for the input. He filed last week. TOld me over the phone of course and he moved Yesterday. Still has some things here but they should be gone by next week.

I even made him an officer in my newly formed S corp for the business but he does not give ANY input or help with the books. Probably gonna hurt me in the end if we get divorced.

I was very caught up in the 'respect' will bring about love methodology, and it actually helped me grow a lot.

COunseling ended in Dec.and my parents arrived. My parents were here for 2 months so I waited until they left to implement. So no, I did not do anything on the forums at the time I signed in last year, I took a religious route.


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Even if he is having an affair, you will become a better person by applying the things you read on this site. Please do find out if he is having an affair. You are probably entitled to financial help from him. Get help from an attorney.

If he does not do anything in your company, then fire him as an official! Take the legal route and fire him for not living up to his responsibilities, so that he cannot cause problems with that.

Get the evidence of the affair, you may need it in your divorce case. You can plan A him anyway, because you gain better habits from it.

May God bless you,

Happyheart