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Even now, after writing the previous post I'm starting to doubt it again. When she made her visit to him I had come off my anti depressants for a few months which I had been on for 5 years or so which could of made me worse and am currently on new ones which could be making my jealousy worse and almost delusional perhaps. Of course you should be jealous. Jealousy is a sane, natural reaction to a threat in marriage. Your wife is having an affair. You would be delusional if you WEREN'T jealous. Jealousy is your psyche's warning alarm that something is WRONG. Something is wrong. The problem you are having is that you have been gaslighted for so long [with your own help] that you have had a severe disconnect with reality and NOW that reality is shining through the cracks, you are getting scared. You HAVE BEEN delusional, but are slowly grasping reality. You are waking up to the threat that faces you. Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders: "Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat to marriage."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Because there would be no one to look after the kids and she has invited me before to a meet him and she said she thinks we'd get along great! She also has said that she sees him like a brother and the thought of anything more than that disgusts her. She could have hired a babysitter, though, and brought you there. Or brought him to your home. She did not do that, though. And she keeps her cell phone and laptop locked. The fact that she says she sees him like brother is meaningless because all waywards lie.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Because there would be no one to look after the kids and she has invited me before to a meet him and she said she thinks we'd get along great! She also has said that she sees him like a brother and the thought of anything more than that disgusts her. But you should not take my word for it! This is why you should be snooping on her and getting to her laptop and cell phone to find out on your own. I could be WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. You need to go check it out for yourself. Prove me wrong!! PLEASE!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The fact that she says she sees him like brother is meaningless because all waywards lie.
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I've spent the whole time trying to believe her This is why you are having such problems handling your marriage problems. You are trying to believe HER rather than the TRUTH. As long as you don't seek truth, you will be crippled in your ability to save your marriage. You cant save a marriage if you refuse to investigate and find the real problem. You can't fix a problem if you don't know what that problem is.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Even now, after writing the previous post I'm starting to doubt it again. When she made her first visit to him I had come off my anti depressants for a few months which I had been on for 5 years or so which could of made me worse and am currently on new ones which could be making my jealousy worse and almost delusional perhaps. Ok had a slight crisis of confidence there. Nobody has directly answered my question yet: How do I make her see it. I can't see her phone and can't access her computer to get evidence? I can ask her not to see him but can't stop her can I?
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[
Nobody has directly answered my question yet: How do I make her see it. You kill the affair. She is high on the fumes of the affair so the first thing to do is separate her from the affair by killing it. You do this by getting the evidence and exposing it. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will be ruinous and it will burst her fantasy. Just asking her to end her "friendship" is not enough. Exposure is like bringing in a crowd of people to the crackhouse to watch the crackheads get high. It is no fun to get high when everyone is watching! It ruins the high. I can't see her phone and can't access her computer to get evidence? I can ask her not to see him but can't stop her can I? Find a way to access her phone and computer. If her computer is password protected, then get the passwords somehow. If you can't, then find another way to get the evidence. Then we can help you kill the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can't monitor her phone as she always has it on her and it has a pin code lock on it which is one of my early red flags. Tell her you would be more comfortable if you had access to her cell phone. Ask her why she always has it locked. My H has a password-protected cell phone because of his job. I know the password. He doesn't care, because he no longer has anything to hide. If your WW balks at giving the password to you,  You are being successfully gaslighted by your WW. You understand that, right?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Even now, after writing the previous post I'm starting to doubt it again. When she made her first visit to him I had come off my anti depressants for a few months which I had been on for 5 years or so which could of made me worse and am currently on new ones which could be making my jealousy worse and almost delusional perhaps. STOP IT, TECSON! She is gaslighting you to the point where you are considering yourself to be delusional! STOP IT! This has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It has EVERYTHING to do with another man!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Ok, I'm back again. Sunday I hacked her computer and her iPhone text message back up files. Result = EA, no evidence of a PA and I've questioned her about it and she has said no and I believe her, the text messages also give me a very strong impression there has been no physical contact in that way.
To say that I'm heartbroken is a massive understatement.The one small glimmer of hope and I really need to see a glimmer of hope at the moment! Is that I can tell from the text messages that the date we started talking about our marriage and started to work towards it she had backed off from him and him, her.
Sunday evening after she finished work I challenged her about it and to start off with I got the usual "I'm controlling her" and all the usual that I read to expect. Sunday night, Monday and Tuesday we spent pretty much the whole time talking about ourselves. But I was getting frustrated because I was still in shock and of course she is still in the affair fog. I realised today that talking at the moment isn't going to help so I'm just trying to be calm and pleasant to her as possible and trying to hold decent conversations with her about everything but our relationship.
She still doesn't see what she has done and still thinks they are just friends. I have asked her to stop contacting him and as far as I know she hasn't since (my gut feelings believe her.
I came home from work early today because I just can't cope! Please please please help me, what do I do now? I want to save our marriage and I can see how it got into this situation, she seems to as well but it doesn't feel like 100% she wants to(affair fog?).
Thanks
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Ok, I'm back again. Sunday I hacked her computer and her iPhone text message back up files. Result = EA, no evidence of a PA and I've questioned her about it and she has said no and I believe her, the text messages also give me a very strong impression there has been no physical contact in that way. You would be unwise to believe her about the physical aspect of the affair. It is real important that you stay in touch with reality when dealing with waywards. Wishful thinking is not truth. Even so, an EA is just as addictive and just as destructive as a PA. An affair is an affair. She still doesn't see what she has done and still thinks they are just friends. I have asked her to stop contacting him and as far as I know she hasn't since (my gut feelings believe her.
I came home from work early today because I just can't cope! Please please please help me, what do I do now? I want to save our marriage and I can see how it got into this situation, she seems to as well but it doesn't feel like 100% she wants to(affair fog?).
Thanks What you do now is expose her affair and then DEMAND that she end all contact with the OM. Tell her that if she doesn't end contact, this will lead to divorce. Read the thread linked in my signature about exposure and start exposing the affair wide and far.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, I'm back again. Sunday I hacked her computer and her iPhone text message back up files. Result = EA, no evidence of a PA and I've questioned her about it and she has said no and I believe her, the text messages also give me a very strong impression there has been no physical contact in that way. No evidence of a PA? In what, her cell phone? So if the messages don't have graphic details or photos then it ain't happening? She goes over to another man's house for 6-7 hours at a time coming home late at night and what exactly do you think they're doing? Playing Monopoly? Please please please help me, what do I do now? Stop arguing with us and start following the advice you've been given. Start with exposing the affair.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Right I'm back again, I'm struggling at the moment, the EA was exposed and there has been no contact. However 2 months later my W is still completely mad at me, blaming me for everything under the sun and still getting all the usual rubbish that I controlled her and everything in the marriage is my fault. I'm getting pretty sick of it all now and she keeps saying she wants space and how she is taking control of her life and wants her independence blah blah blah. I really struggled to keep my anger in check for the first month but for the last month I've been anger free. I've been trying to meet her EN's as much as she'll let me but she is icy cold with me all the time so it gets hard at times.
How long is she going to be like this? I know she is not in contact with OM as I have full transparency and can account for her whereabouts at all times!
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I will let the vets chime in but I've been in a pretty similar situation and there was still contact being made. Remember it doesn't just have to be talking, texting, etc. It can be as simple as looking at a picture of them.
I had full transparency as well. Does she have facebook??
Me-BH-37
XWW-32
Married 8 years
2-daughters
D-Day-2--2011
Divorced 2-2012
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Right I'm back again, I'm struggling at the moment, the EA was exposed and there has been no contact. Did she quit the job? Don't they work together?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah monitored by me, I did wonder if he was still in her thoughts a lot although she insists he's not (I don't buy that at all). Not friends on facebook and number deleted off her iphone.
Am I just expecting too much too soon? This wasn't an OM she could run off with, he lives with his Mum and Dad! She wasn't going to run off with him and 3 kids as well.
It really was a fantasy - a friendship that got too personal.
Last edited by Tecson; 02/09/12 05:05 PM.
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Right I'm back again, I'm struggling at the moment, the EA was exposed and there has been no contact. Did she quit the job? Don't they work together? They did in the past but he left that work before the EA started or as the EA was starting. He lives and works 20 miles away.
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Right I'm back again, I'm struggling at the moment, the EA was exposed and there has been no contact. To whom did you expose the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Her family and my family I did it more to explain the problems we were having as she had already killed the friendship. I can't see how it helped though?
Last edited by Tecson; 02/09/12 05:25 PM.
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Her family and my family I did it more to explain the problems we were having as she had already killed the friendship. I can't see how it helped though? I agree, since you didn't expose the affair, it would have no effect. When we suggested exposure we didn't mean telling people about your other various personal problems.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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