I haven't quoted, but I'm posting, because I am a first-time mom, and this kinda hurt. Again, I am here for help, and appreciative of it, but please try and be polite? I apologize to anyone I have offended; and I meant no harm.

Check the message versus the delivery. At a later date the delivery usually doesn't matter much.

Good advice for everyone Surfer88, thank you.

Oh, some current additional info:

Financial status: Using GI Bill for school. Cannot afford to drive car.

Moving status: Directly related to Financial status.

Uh, we are being polite, but very real. You won't get coddling here, just solid advice. Grow some thicker skin honey. You have a lot to atone for, and the folks here are trying to help you in your quest.

You just need to show that you are willing to return the effort. Pretty simple, eh??

My finances...I do care for my baby...not asking for "coddling", just not sarcasm or hurtful comments...I have thick skin, but I've taken it off completely to be here.

I have been trying to show effort.

Everyday I think of what I did in 2010, and it STILL KILLS me WITH GUILT! I have put all that behind me, and am attempting to bare my soul, and improve (I am implementing Dr. Harvey's and the Word too)...I know I have a lot to atone for...I am here, and "thick skin" is not something to have when in a contrite and naked state...

For being a cop, and hearing any and everything, I have thick skin. But, this is not the place to bring my thick skin with me...

Again, let me once again thank you for your help. and know that what I am learning here, is being put into practice every day. I am doing anything and everything that I can.

Your thick skin with your job has nothing to do with your skin being thickened here. It's a different animal with which you are not familiar. You were in control of your job circumstances, but not with the circumstances that you are now faced with.

Here it is:

You will hear some hurtful comments. Guess what? You NEED to hear them.

You will hear some sarcasm. Guess what? We speak it everyday and I'm one of the best at sarcasm, so get used to it. I can also be one of the best at doling out cyber hugs when warranted. I look forward to the day you've earned my hug.

Okay, I truly do feel for you. (I actually mean that BTW)

Get to Cali and get to work. You only have one shot at this. Make it count.

Can I have a big cyber hug then?

Alright, a little hug to jump start you, but get your butt in gear and somehow make this right.

{{Eydis}}

Trying to put myself in your exDH's shoes, I would say that I would have entertained a repentant spouse for some time after the divorce. Fortunately for me I have met a wonderful woman who DOES believe in MB principles. [my ex is, remains, and has always been one to "follow her heart" and not subscribe to any particular theory.] It's a strong individual who can stand up and say "I don't know how to do this marriage (or dating, or sobriety, or weight loss, or health, etc.) thing; so I need help and I will seek out the best to get that help.

However, even with an admission of guilt and a promise to change, I would have needed to see a consistent effort over time. Just like I did -- I eliminated LB's not just for a day or a week but for months in a row. They say 3 is minimum to establish new routines. I think these concepts take time to learn, let alone implement into our daily lives. In my dating life I'm still working on the openness and honesty policy; 40 years, including my upbringing, of "what they don't know won't hurt them" kind of toxic thinking is hard to reverse but it is totally possible when you understand the destruction it causes in your own life and in the lives of those you love.

I think you are making strides already. You have the benefit that he has not cut you out of his life as he most certainly could have and been justified in doing so. You have the connection of being his daughter's mother. And now you have MB and a plan to rebuild a relationship with your daughter and become a role model for her. You also, with work, perseverance, patience, and concentration you have a chance to restore your relationship with your divorced husband.

I'm glad you're listening to the radio show. You will gain such an understanding for the principles and also since they talk alot about adultery, you'll get a better perspective on how the BS feels. Read some threads here too, this is certainly a good board for that.

Once you gain a better understanding, I would encourage you to reiterate your feelings of regret to your exBS. And most importantly outline exactly what things you have already put in place to ensure no further indiscretions (e.g. your understanding of radical honesty, openness and honesty, POJA, EP's -- all things you'll read about in the coming weeks); and that those measures will stay in place for any future relationships (with him or anyone else as the case may be).

As to your question above about approaching him with something (I forget what it was exactly), I would not push anything except your own emphasis on learning and implementing the principles here. He will notice. I can promise you he will notice.

opt

here it was. I would write about how excited and motivated you are to be making positive changes in your life. Did you consider the post-card idea -- the one Steve Harley game me?
walking is good for thinking.
what material did you put into practice? I'm interested.
opt

Optimism, thank you for your replies--and here are a few things that I practiced: good conversation; you mentioned asking more about HIM and how he feels, and I did that, consciously and it went great. I also LISTENED to him--not thinking about what I was going to say, or letting my excitement of just talking to him get in the way of listening to him (listening is huge for good conversation). I also told him that I was so proud of him; I am really so very proud of him--there are things that he is doing that manifest tenacity and determiniation and focus (Affection/Admiration) and I told hiom that he is an inspiration to me too...I also practiced elimanating some Love Busters, like disrespect (interrupting is disrespectful, and also when I have a problem with something, telling him about it in a forceful or accusatory OR sarcastic way is NOT respectful, or helpful)

I have considered the post card idea, and I love it, and will be sending him some too.

I really am excited and motivated in my changes. I am excited to be growing in my reliance on God, and discovering more about Him and His love for me...I am excited in learning more about what marriage really means, really stands for. I am happy that I have put my ugly wayward past behind me, and discovering my worth to God. I am realizing tat I never truly loved myself, and thought I was not worthy of love. But I am loved! And I can learn to love as well!

Thank you. I really needed that, even though I didn't "deserve" it.
___________________________________________________________
I've been forgiven for a LOT, and that makes me capable of loving that much more DEEPLY

Oh my...just came across our vows. *SCREAMING INSIDE IN TORMENT!*

This morning, I heard this song, and it was like God was reminding me of something...I found the link to the song I heard, and wanted to share it.

This is for everyone, and I pray it encourages you as it did me. Even former Waywards who have wrought so much hell in their own lives and the lives of others, do not have to be wracked with guilt once forgiven and once repentant--they can be free in the love that God has for them, and the total encouragement and forgiveness He offers, so that we can be testimonies of grace, love, and mercy. Even though we don't deserve it, that isn't want matters, what matters is we are LOVED, we're forgiven, and we have a chance to show it to others!

The song is called "Remind Me Who I Am" by Jason Gray.
Here's the link:



I hope it touches you like it did to me. I thank God for that encouragement.

So, better conversation (and EN) and admiration (another EN, and one that Dr. Harley has found to be a common one for men). Nice work. You made love bank deposits for sure.
The great thing is that the work you do for you winds up benefitting so many.
keep it up and stay on track. there are a lot of people counting on you.

opt

I want to make more love bank deposits for him...

His birthday is coming up, and is during my Spring Break. I was offered by a family member, a flight ticket to see my baby this spring break...I emailed his parents and my XH--Here's the email I sent my XH (inside the email to him, I also enclosed a copy of the email I sent my former DIL and MIL (good communication, I hope) Here it is:


"Hi xH! How have you been? Hope you're well. I sent your parents the following email about Spring Break, and I wanted to send you a copy too, so you can have it too. I'd like to talk about my potential visit in March during the little spring break I have. Last night, Dad told me that if he could, he would fly me up there for the spring break (the week of March xxxth), I know I mentioned it when we Skyped, but, we didn't talk about it too much, 'cause I wasn't even sure I would be able too. Dad brought it up at dinner, out-of-the-blue. So, I wanted you to know the whole stroy, and ask your parents about whether or not they'd be willing to let me spend my nights beside our [baby].

_________________________



Here's the email I sent:



"Hi [former DIL, MIL]!




Good morning. I hope your day goes well, and this week as well.



Did you get my letter/note? Hope you both are doing well, and things are going okay too.



May I visit in March? It would be the week of March xxxth (my Spring Break this year), and even though [xH] says he has classes that week, he also was okay with me maybe, potentially, coming to visit on my school break (I promise not to get in the way of his school); it would be the week of March [xxxth].



[xH] and I spoke briefly on my potential Spring Break visit last Thursday, when we Skyped, and will discuss on it a bit more as well, but I also wanted to consult with you concerning this too, because I believe it is important to talk with both of you as well as [xH] on my travel, in advance, and ask any questions I may have.



I was wondering if it would be easier on you both if I were to look into a hotel nearby, or if I could stay with [my toddler] at night with her in her room, during that week, and help out any way I can at the house while I'm there. She seemed to be very welcoming and even excited about sleeping with me in her bed when I was there last time, and kept asking about me sleeping with her...I was thinking maybe I could (I would love to spend this time with her).... If not, I can find a hotel nearby, if that is what you both would rather prefer.



I wanted to ask about what would be best for you (where I would stay during the week of March xxxth, 2012), so I could go ahead with making arrangements. But first, I wanted to find out what your preferences were, and I wanted to act accordingly. If I could, I would love to sleep with [my baby] at night (please consider it?), but I want you to know I will do what you wish; it is your home. I will say, when I am there, I will help in any way I can, with enthusiasm and gratefulness!



I look forward to hearing from you, and hope you have a good day today!



Love,



E.S."

________________________________________________________________



xH, I hope we can talk together to about this, if you get a chance too. I hope you have a great day too, and you and [our sweet baby] are always on my mind, in my heart and prayers.



Love always,

E.S."

--So, hopefully I will be able to go. Another wave of realization hit me last night about what I did to my family. My parents warned me that my XH's and my "amicable" decision to divorce was, as my dad put it, "throwing a grenade in [our young] family"...he was so right. I wish I would have seen MB sooner. But, I wonder: Would my heart have been receptive?

I took my husband away from my family. They lost a brother and a son. through my actions, I took my baby away from my family. God forgive me.

I don't know how to behave with my XH when I get there--because last time I was there, I slipped my arm around his while we walked on our outting, and he let me. I wanted to be so close. I could feel him letting me too.

Sometimes, on Skype, like last time (last Thursday), he looked at me with this soft smile...those eyes were full of thought, and his eyes were soft, so it must have been something good. I just looked at him and smiled, and for a few seconds (this has happened a couple of times) we smile, and look at each other softly.

I will continue to practice eliminating LB's and striving to meet his EN's

A small question: Is it wrong for me to think about him in bed?

(the edits were names/dates I took out for this post)

In an MB relationship you would POJA it with the other guy. First. Then bring it up with everyone else. So you kinda did that and it is hard to actually POJA when he doesn't really know what that is, but you can still judge his enthusiasm about the idea.
The family will either be receptive or they won't. You've let your wishes be known in a very appropriate and honest way. commendable.
Speaking of the family. You should be Plan Aing them also. Advice given me by Steve during my plan A with now-exWW.

Also, give admiration of your ex to the family -- especially the mother.
And have you exposed to them? meaning: the last paragraph above -- have you expressed your deep regret and taken responsibility for your actions to the mother and father? I know you have with the ex, but that's important too. Everyone needs to see you taking full responsibility-- actions not words, yes, but those words are important and then will be backed up by actions for many weeks or months. They need to learn to trust you too if you are going to be family ever. Especially based on how attached ex is to family (mother), right?

You're doing fine. keep learning -- research the terms and check out some threads when you can. And you should not be thinking of anyone else in bed. Does that answer your question??

opt

I have decided to do whatever he (and his family) wants to do--if he doesn't want me to come because he has classes there (during the time I have requested to visit) then I will try to compromise, and if I can't compromise ('cause I will have classes here, and travel is out of the question usually when that is going on)--and I will try, then, I will have to wait till May. I'm secretly hoping things will work out...

Last time I was there this last December, I did what I could to help. xH said it was one of the best trips. His mom told me she loved me back, and she hadn't said that for a long time. His dad verbally attacked me (not screaming, just by what he said) on the way back to the airport, with an issue that he had apparently been holding in a long time; that's when xH reached back and squeezed my hand,, and let me hold it while his dad and I talked back and forth while I tried to stay calm. When I got out of the car at the airport, I was reeling, but still thanked him for telling me how he felt (I meant it--I'd rather have someone tell me their true feelings than hold it in) and xH told me "Remember, I was there too" (in reference to what his dad was talking about, and his accusations, xH was reassuring me, he knew the truth, and was siding with me. He ended up talking with his dad later). Last year, actually, two years ago, actually, I told both his parents and his one sister was there too, that I was so very sorry for what I did, and that I could only imagine the pain they had felt too after I did what I did(my waywardness. I also apologized for what I did (being fearful, reclusive, intimidated, introverted, argumentative with xH/family) while xH and I lived with them for a bit before moving to TX. I can't do it enough, and I want to ask them to forgive me (right word?) for all those things...I'm still dealing with guilt, because I realize what I did (at least as much as I can realize, on my end--I may not ever fully realize the hell and damage. omg, now I'm getting panicky again).


Something has always bothered me since I met his family...his parents and his younger sister (rarely), but especially his dad, will "banter" about how "dull" dumb, dense, stupid, (etc) xH is. It will be in the form of a joke, under the guise of banter. There will be a lot of laughing and xH seems to laugh along too, and dish it out himself. It's always bothered me--I do have a heart, and feel bad for xH when this happens. Most of the time I'd keep my mouth shut, respecting the family, and their sick way of communicating "love" (?) to xH. That kind of banter is seen elsewhere now--xH called our 2.7 y/o a "punk" (joking way) when she was being a little quiet. He jokes in that kind of attitude that his parents (especially dad) jokes with him...and it hurts to watch. I'm not sure how to gently (in "Plan A" -style) tell him to be more gentle with our baby, because there is always a reason/justification he will give, so I usually acquiesce. The point is, when his family puts him "down" in a joking way, I want to protect him. I have, many times countered with, "You are smart/intelligent", or some other counter-measure to buffer that ugly "joking" towards xH.

How do I "Plan A" when I see behavior in my daughter that alarms me? She said "Jesus" under her breath when she dropped her crayon (that is something xH's dad will say when he's laughing, or in disbelief...it's not a prayer "Jesus", if you know what I mean) last time I was there in December. She also said "crap" under her breath when she dropped a noodle on her lap...I know she's just parroting what she hears, but, it hurts to know that she is being raised in many different ways (usually void of softness and gentleness) than I would. And it's all my fault. I feel panicky again.
Last time, I did mention it to xH in a gentle unobtrusive way, and we discussed it. He didn't hear it, so it was hard for him to believe. Which didn't help my case (Guess I needed more proof than my word)


I love his family. I was open with all of them last time, whereas, I would have normally been inclined to be introverted and tentative, and coming off as a little "stand-offish" because I felt (and still do, even though I am out-going now) unworthy.


And, don't think of him or anyone else when I'm in bed, correct?

--dr harley doesn't recommend compromise as it builds resentment in the one who's compromising. better: work toward an agreemetn that both are enthusiastic about (POJA).

--you have done your own exposure so that's good. No need to dwell on it or bring it up again unless they have questions. You're moving on and proving it is something you never want to repeat. Proving it with responsible behavior and accountability.

--nobody likes to be ridiculed. Even if it's joking. You are right to not participate and give him the opposite message. No need to fight years of habit, just provide a source of comfort and building up instead of tearing down.

--you gave up your ability to influence your child all the time when you signed on to the divorce. So did I. It is one of the many very very bad things about divorce. The only thing I can think of to mitigate it is to provide an example that I want them to follow.

I have a little more but I have to go.

opt

Thank you Tiger'--I am trying, by implementing POJA example:

(a message sent today on fb to him):

"there was a little phone tag yesterday. sorry...

I wanted to let you know, I am willing to work on something that both of us will be happy doing (as far as the trip on the spring break), otherwise, we can wait (if we don't come to a plan we both are happy with) I don't want to be pushy or have "my way"--I want us both to be happy with whatever we decide."

And thanks optimism for metioning the POJA--I read more on it, and want to tell my xH about it too...also, do you think it is a good idea to bring up EP's that I want to put into practice too, or should I keep that to myself for now?

Edit: P.S. I am putting some prayer into possibly moving in July.