Hello,
This is my first post. I am late 60's, husband also. Married nearly 7 years, met 8 years ago. Affair started a year ago when she (a neighbour and former friend, 20 years younger), started chasing him and "grooming" him behind my back. He has job where he goes to people's homes to fix computers. She used this to get him there, then gave drinks. They bonded (I am non drinker).
Our marriage has a specific problem all along as he has a fear of women and intimacy. It has been hell on me, he shrinks from contact and says it has been like that for 40 years since 1st wife did a number on him.
So he discovers that this woman is someone who doesn't provoke the fear reaction in him. He says he relaxes with her and it is like a drug. He has tried to break it off several times. The problem is that she is still living near and visits other neighbours in our street weekly. We cannot get away from her.
I am about to start plan B but am worried he will get sicker than he is already. He is looking terrible, not sleeping, stomack upsets and so on. He spent two days in bed crying the last time he broke it off with her. I dont want to kill him. The phobia is real not a story

Serenadame,

Unless your husband is truly mentally incompetent (and it appears he is not), then I suggest starting by accepting that HE has made the choice to do this.

You have blamed everyone except him (her "grooming", the alcohol, his internal fears/emotions of the past 40 years) for his actions. People "groom" the incompetent (children, mentally incapacitated). People "seduce" those who let them. Big difference.

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

You have already learned so far that continued contact cannot work. Do these friends know what happened? What about his/your children?

alis thank you for your reply to me. I have read everything I can on this site and more than once. I do understand the policy of no contact.
The people she visits are her former neighbours, several doors away from us. She left her husband to continue the affair with mine and she now lives not far away.
My problem is that I do not know how far to go with the lockout as I know he is teetering on the edge of a breakdown. This is nothing to do with mental incompetency. He has been hospitalised before with nervous breakdown and he suffers from depression and post traumatic stress syndrome.
How is this policy applied when there is genuine mental instability in the offending partner.

Sera, you need to make plans NOW to move. Even if you have to rent your house out. You can't possibly recover your marriage as long as you live there. Get out of that neighborhood. Go rent something in another town and get moved out.

Get your husband and yourself away from the source of the stress. And take him to a doctor and get him on anti-depressants.

Have you exposed the affair to all your neighbors and family members? The neighbors need to know this woman is a husband chasing skank. Have you personally spoken to her husband to make sure he knows about the affair?

Did your marriage have this problem before you were married?

melody lane, thank you for your reply to me. yes. i thought it was sensitive skin. he would not discuss it with me. It has been impossible to discuss sex and if he even sees someone kissing on the tele he walks out of the room. its only now that the whole story has come out. I think he has Asperger's syndrome which has not helped. We have made an appointment (several weeks away) with a psychologist who is a specialist in treating these sort of phobias (my husband asked for the appointment himself so I know he is trying).

Yes her husband now knows about the affair and that marriage is finished and they have had their property division.

It has been a difficult marriage for me all along but the strange thing now is that we seem to have become closer because of this affair although I am devastated. He is talking to me much more because of this crisis. It has been terribly hard to hear that he likes her touching him when he shrinks from me. It just about broke my heart more than the sex. He says he has no idea why this woman has this effect on him. He has broken it off himself four times before I knew about the affair.

He keeps saying that our home and life together are more important, but that it is like a drug, finally being able to relax with a woman close to him. He keeps saying he does not understand why he does not fear her, he wishes he could bottle it and bring it home to us.

By the way, he went onto the drug Champix to stop smoking and he says that the affair went sexual after that. Before that, he was just taking her to golf every second day teaching her golf.

I have been yesterday driving all day to another area to inspect a unit for me. I thought I might move myself. However, we moved to this home and I have put a lot of work in to it to make it homey and I got so homesick just walking around this bare flat to inspect it, comparing my home to this.

I know that my husb loves our home too and that is what he wants to be in and the attraction to come back, and I fear that if I up and move us somewhere else, that attraction will be gone and he wont come back at all.

The thought of moving again at my age when I thought we were settled in retirement, is so daunting and we just dont have the money. It's all very well to say rent somewhere else but we are on an aged pension.
I have not so far discussed this with my family or his as we do not live anywhere near them and they are all having problems of their own. I doubt if what they said to him by telephone would have much effect on him.
The neighbours all keep pretty much to themselves and we do not have many friends here.
I have been going to a counsellor who is experienced in the mental health hospital system. He has identified that I have become too much the carer for my husband (he has had a number of illnesses since we married) and is working on boosting me up and helping me deal with the stress of it all. He is not working on marriage counselling.
The woman was retired permanently off work three years ago on a large pension with supposed bi polar altho the counsellor thinks she may have some personality disorder.

Getting back to the moving house proposition, I just dont have the strength at the moment but I know that unless this woman moves, we will have to. It is so heartbreaking to lose my home as well as my marriage.

Just reading the buyers renters and freeloaders thread which is very enlightening. I think we were both buyers in the beginning, but I think my giver got out of whack with his (genuine) illnesses and yes I did create a monster of him and me.

over 20 years ago my first husband died of cancer after a two year battle with me nearly killing myself trying to save him, care for him.
My counsellor is assisting me with identifying the triggers which make me overdo the caring bit with this husband. (the giver). I can see I have done a lot of things wrong.

Ser, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to move. You might like your home, but it won't matter at all if you are divorced when your H leaves for the OW. That is where you are headed. Your H has a serious addiction to this woman and as long as she lives close by he will never be free of her.

It might be unpleasant to move, but won't it be more unpleasant to be divorced at your age? And still have to move so you can get away from the constant reminder of the OW?

Move away NOW. Go get another home and move away with your husband. That is the only way he will withdraw and the only way your marriage can recover.

But before you do that, you need to expose the affair. Expose the affair to the OW's husband, your neighbors, and all your families. This is how you save your marriage, Serenadame.

I know it seems shocking, but if you don't do this, you will end up divorced. Move away. Get out of there. Ask him to go with you. If he won't go with you, then you are better off being separated because his affair will give you a nervous breakdown.

I am so sorry, seranadame.

Sere, I would first expose the affair wide and far. Expose to the neighbors she is friends with:


And expose to her husband and her whole family. Does she have a facebook page?

Yep. This. You need to let these neighbors know that this woman has no qualms about bedding a married man. They need this information so they can protect their own relationships.

Thank you maritalbliss too. I appreciate all your words of ya'all and am acting on them albeit slowly. Have just spoken to a neighbour who is a golfing and boating pal of husband. He has confirmed with me that some of the guys at the marina suspected something was going on. This has made me feel better as I am hating the idea of exposing him so if they already suspect this is my job partly done. This man said when I told him the story that he considered that hubby has been calling the shots so far and now I had to put my foot down. I didn't explain that I had been doing plan A.
I am starting to work on my letter for plan B.
However, as you all seem to say, I can see that plan B wont and cannot work unless we do move. Hubby thinks that she will move away from the area eventually. However, I am not willing to wait on her actions. It is a shame as we have a complete music studio which will be hard to replicate elsewhere. We also live near the sea which will also be hard to replicate.
Once again thank you all for your supportive and focussed comments.

ok here I am again. I have now formulated a plan for moving and have found the money for it but most importantly, have got my head around the fact I have to leave my life and home here.

Thanks for the stern advice people. It did focuss me. A new life awaits me, I am hoping my husband joins me. But if he doesn't, I will survive because I am going to be closer to family and old friends, theatres, cinemas and great shopping. I am feeling very excited looking forward to getting away from this cesspit where I have to see OW regularly drive down my street to visit neighbours. Whatever is in my future, it has to be better than this sewer.

I have also typed out plan B letters copied and adapted for my situation, from one sample one on this site. Thank you whoever did those. It saved me a lot of work.
I am feeling very positive at the moment. Plan A was a wonderful idea and very character building for me, but it was very stressful carried on over some months, and I am glad it is over.

sere, good job!! You are well on the right path, but it is imperative that you do a STRATEGIC exposure before you go into Plan B. Exposure will ruin the affair and you cannot leave this step undone as it is the KEY ELEMENT of Plan A.

Please make up a list of exposure targets and either call them or email them. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask them to call your H and use their influcence to persuade your H to end his affair.

Go see the neighbors who are friends with the OW and tell them about the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to leave your husband alone.

Go carefully read the thread linked in my signature to get ideas and talking points. And then come back here and we will help you strategize.


hugs to you, my friend, I know how devastating this is for you. But it would be more devastating if you did not get away.

serenadame, this man is exactly right. You should put your foot down. I would include all these friends of your husband in your exposure. Ask them all to contact your husband and ask him to end his affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so getting it out into the open will ruin it. If the other women in the neighborhood knew what this skank was doing, they may come to your aide.

Thank you MelodyLane,
I have just written a letter to the neighbours who are friends with her and who she is visiting, telling them. Also making a list of his family to phone. Still feel a bit icky about this but having read your longer articles on exposure, I feel better in that if I ask them to phone him in loving kindness for him, it will be more meaningful and positive.

You have exactly the right approach, serenadame. It is not done to be vindictive, but to gain support for your marriage.

i would click on notify and ask the moderators to move this thread to the Survivng an Affair forum. You will get much more specialized support over there.

i would click on notify and ask the moderators to move this thread to the Survivng an Affair forum. You will get much more specialized support over there.

I agree with Ms. Lane.

ok have done this.

Oops. I couldnt find this thread before and so I started a new one on what precisely do I say on the telephone to everyone?

"melody lane, thank you for your reply to me. yes. i thought it was sensitive skin. he would not discuss it with me. It has been impossible to discuss sex and if he even sees someone kissing on the tele he walks out of the room."


Why marry a man that gets grossed out if he has to have SF with you or any woman as he claimed?

Though what was any woman as we now know does not include this OW.


"I think he has Asperger's syndrome which has not helped."


This guy had red flags all over him and you married him?


"We have made an appointment (several weeks away) with a psychologist who is a specialist in treating these sort of phobias (my husband asked for the appointment himself so I know he is trying)."

Better get a shrink to check you out as to why you knowingly married a man that has so much baggage.


"Getting back to the moving house proposition, I just dont have the strength at the moment but I know that unless this woman moves, we will have to. It is so heartbreaking to lose my home as well as my marriage."


Living close to the OW and this affair will never end. Being you will not move it shows that you are not willing to do everything to save this marriage. Being that is the case better to end it.