My story begins 20 years ago when I met my wife to be in college. Six years later we married. 14 years of marriage have been a mixture of good and bad times. We have 2 beautiful children, 7 and 5.
January of 2011, my wife approached me and said she was not in love with me anymore with no real justifications. She said that she deserved to be loved and that I also deserved to be loved. She shared with me some of the things that had bothered her through the years and I truly heard what she said.
Although I realized we had been through some tough times, this hit me like a ton of bricks. From that moment forward, I began the single biggest transformation of my life. I loved her very much realized that the only way I could save my marriage was to transform myself into the person I always wanted to be.
In March of 2011 my worst nightmares were realized. For months I had felt like there was something pulling her away from our marriage. And indeed I was correct. Upon getting her Facebook login, I discovered that indeed she was involved in an affair. At that time, I was unaware of Marriage Builders which looking back would have been a tremendous asset. Of course she lied and denied everything until she realized I knew for sure what was happening. My first reaction was divorce. I immediately kicked her out of the house and told her it was over. She got an apartment and was living on her own. After a few days, I realized that I needed to take my time to gather my thoughts before moving forward.
One week later, she called me crying and begging for another chance. I told her the only way that would be remotely possible was to end the affair, never speak to him again for life and promise to never lie to me ever again. Of course she agreed and we started talking. Then the facts started coming out. She had been in an EA for 7 months and it turned into a PA only recently. I exposed it to everyone; our families, friends and relatives. I even went as far as sending messages to his FB friends and family.
We found Dr. Harley and started reading his books. As the months proceeded, she swore to me that all contact had ended and she was being totally honest with me. At this time, I was heavily investing in our recovery but something just didn�t seem right. She had cancelled her FB account. Overall things seemed to be doing pretty good with us. We were communicating better than ever before but my �radar� still was spinning and I started to really snoop again.
She gave me her password to her work email account (which is where all the correspondence took place). I found some emails and realized that indeed they never truly stopped talking. I exposed this again the last week of December and told her that it was over. They had seen each other 2 more times in July at a public restaurant and had been emailing.
Since this time, she has done a complete 180. She is now totally committed to rebuilding our relationship and is with an excellent councilor. I see in her that there is a possibility that the �fog� has finally been lifted. She sees things in her character that do not reflect how she was raised, her morals, character and so forth.
Here is where I need help. I am really struggling what to do at this time. I am so confused. Do I give her another chance? Do I end it now?

Please help me!

I think you need to ask yourself what you want to do. You have a long history, I imagine overall you have had a good marriage, and have young children, I would say that is worth saving.

There isn't a betrayed spouce here that hasn't had some hesitation moving on with their marriage. If you choose to continue and devote yourself to saving your marriage, then you will have to get by the nagging feelings of doubt. If you do save your marriage, many will tell you, you can have great marriage that far surpasses the marriage you had pre-affair.

20year, who is this OM? Is he married? Has the affair been exposed to his side? To whom have you exposed the affair?

The way to recover is to completely eliminate the OM from your lives. Has that been done? Does he live close by? Can she run into him?

No he is not married. He is single and lives in anther city 70 miles away. I exposed him through his FB account to numerous people. I exposed it to all of our friends and family.

Two weeks ago she mailed him a strongly worded no contact letter. Although I don't believe anything she says 100%, her actions indicate it is indeed over. She said he is out of her heart and wants nothing to do with him ever again. She realizes how wrong it was and is deeply remorseful.

My main issue at this time isn't the 7 months prior to d-day. It is the last 10 months in which she continued to lie and decieve me swearing that she was being open and honest when indeed they were still communicating via email.

Just don't know if I can ever trust her again. I do have love in my heart for her but question if too much damage has been done.

20year, false recoveries are harder to recover from, but you can do it if you will throw all of your energy into a) affair proofing your marriage and restoring the romantic love in your marriage. You CAN probably recover from this if you do it right. If you DON'T replace this current marriage with a GREAT marriage, then you will have resentment for a very long time.

Instead of trusting her, I would focus on creating an affair proof marriage so you don't have to rely on trust. If she makes her life so transparent that she can't cheat, then you won't worry about this. I would also secretly put a GPS on her car and any other spy devices that will help you see what she is doing. THAT WILL DO MORE FOR RESTORING TRUST THAN ANYTHING.

CHECK THIS OUT:

here

Melody, thank you. I do have access to her email account and cell phone which I monitor. I will look into a GPS as well.

I would also appreciate some advice as to living arrangements. We have been living separetly and she has been out of the house and in an apartment for 11 months now. I know what Dr Harley says about this issue but for me, I am struggling if and when we should consider her moving back in.

As long as she is willing to meet the requirements for recovery (transparency, implementing extraordinary precautions, working the MB program, etc) I would move her back in immediately. It is extremely risky to live apart.

My biggest concern is not knowing where my heart really is with this whole mess. I agree that there are advantages to moving back in but at the same time I guess I am just scared.

20,,

Been in your exact shoes. I did take mine back and went through a couple of false recoveries-they suck!! I found out that she would look at his facebook page--that even triggers them. The strongest consequence I put on her was that if she ever contacted him we were done!!

Guess what happened! So whatever your decision is make sure you stick to your guns and that she KNOWS that there will be consequences set by you for her actions....

My biggest piece of advice is to Listen to these people--NOW---not in two weeks! They know there stuff!!!

God bless and I will continue to follow along

Thanks, P. Great advice.

I am stronger than I have ever been and without question she fully knows the consequence of any lies, deceit or contact in any form. It is over and I will not look back.

I do think it is really over with them. Seen a lot to confirm that. I watch her like a hawk. Heck, I am monitoring her email as we speak.

Not only is processing the past, but the lingering doubt of projecting into the future is difficult.

20year - I'm a vet of a Facebook fueled EA so I feel your pain. We had false recoveries also. We didn't make it because WW didn't want to put forth the effort. It sounds like yours does. You have 2 young children; fight for them.
Get your wife back in the house asap. You need UA time together for this to work.
Follow the MB principles and listen to the folks here - you can make it

20yrs, it was living apart that prevented your recovery in the past. If you are serious about recovery, you need to be together NOW, not later.

Yes your WW must move back home. Can't recover living apart and living apart makes back sliding to easy.

AP's breaking NC is painful but many recovery's have had a broken NC and still recover fully.

Very Important Question:

Being the affair used your WW work email does that mean OM works for same business as WW?
If not co workers how did they meet?

20years. That is the thing that I too struggled with the most. My own FWH seemed so sincere and remorseful. He would look me straight in the eye and say "may god strike me dead if I am lying." blah blah blah

Turned out he was lying. He was continuing to manipulate and deceive me into believing that he was committed to the M while he was still meeting OW. I was completely devastated. I think a very important part of me died when I found out the truth.


That was 3 years ago. We are still married and are now quite happy. How did I move on after that?



1. I decided that I owed it to my kids to try everything I could to keep their family together.

2. I decided that I would not make any decisions for one year. I gave the M my all for one year. No expectations.

3. I finally found MB which taught me how to affair proof the M and make me feel safe again.

4. MB also taught me how to rebuild the romantic love.

5. I still struggle from time to time with the lying part. When that happens, I look at what FWH is doing NOW. That person who could so easily look me in the eye and lie is my OLD husband. My NEW husband is a treasure.


You can move on 20years. It is not an easy road but it is well worth it. Get your WW back home. Affairs are an addiction and your WW cannot break it on her own. Rebuilding the love and feeling safe will never happen from a distance.

Expect your willingness to reconcile with WW to change on an hourly basis. It is a rollercoaster.

No, they do not work together. They knew each other in highschool 23 years ago and reconnected via facebook.
If they worked together there is no way I could do this unless she quit her job.

I guess I am just not 100% sure what I want at this time. Having her move back in, in my mind, would point to committment on my part to really want to make this work.

More than anything I want my family to be together. All these new emotions I have never dealt with before are difficult. Until this happened she seemed to be one of the most trustworthy people I have ever met. She was always so sweet and kind. That is why this is so hard for me trying figure out who she really is.

If you invite her to move back in with you and live together an integrated life, look at it as a test for a year, rather than a commitment.

My FWH knows that the first year test post-A is over and past us, but he completely understands that the test continues. I am looking for him to be consistently radically honest and transparent, to exercise Extraordinary Precautions, and to meet my ENs and avoid love busters. Of course, I am doing the same thing.

I thought very seriously about separation and letting him prove himself from a distance, but H was right. It's much easier to see how he conducts himself when we live together, even though it's an emotional risk.

Sure, that's hard, but if you have the strong desire to keep your family together, living together is the best way to go about it.

20years. Have you thought about how your life will be if you choose not to reconcile?

Are you ready to share your kids with an OM and have them call OM "my step DAD"?

Where are the kids now?

20year, you are completely within your rights to move on. No one will fault you for that. But here is the thing. You aren't going to recover your marriage living apart. You have already seen that doesn't work.


We know who she is. She is in there. She got highjacked by an addictive affair. What you describe is classic wayward alien behavior, but once they are removed from the source of their addiction, the old person returns.

She can return to a better person who really *IS* trustworthy by affair proofing your marriage. That old "trustworthy" person was an illusion. She obviously had poor boundaries that allowed her to have an affair. We would address that in your recovery. One of the first things she would have to do is make her life so transparent that she can't have an affair.

We all understand the feeling to turn your back and not look back. Pride runs deep.

Just make sure that you have thought it through before you throw in the towel. Your decision will affect your entire family. You will have to look your kids in the eye and explain your decision... probably many times as they get older and need more answers.




There are several BH on this board right now who would give their right arm for a WW who was willing to commit to NC and return home to their families.