If anyone remembers my last post, I was quite happy. My W told me that she and the OM were not seeing each other. She said she needed time to make a decision, and asked for six weeks. The time we had been spending together, she told me she really enjoyed. I had been assertive, yet kind. I also agreed to help her. I wanted to follow plan A, but did not push. She works with the OM. But, I felt more confident and happy that day than in the past month.<P>Yesterday my wife worked. She told me she felt bad about that, because it was supposed to be our time together. We also were to take our children trick-or-treating. She got there late, but we took the kids, and it felt great. I felt like a real family. I rubbed her back, we talked and had a real nice time. <P>I went home with her, and helped her put the kids to bed. We played a couple of games of backgammon. She was very tired, and per our agreement, whoever did not have the children that evening would stay at her parents house. (They are trying to help. Her parents are hurt, but are more than willing to help us "get back together.")<P>I left. When I got to my in-laws, I realized I had forgotten my shoes. I thought "Well, I'll just call and go over before work." In the morning, I called and got no answer. So, I decided I should just go over. I needed my shoes, since all I had were deck shoes, unacceptable for an office. (Or, at least unacceptable for mine.) <P>Driving there, I had a fear that the OM would be there. I tried to convince myself I was being paranoid. When I got there, his car was there. I was horrified. I went in, and woke them both up. I had to use every fiber in my being not to do anything stupid. I told him he had five minutes to get out before I called the police. My W told me to calm down so I would not wake the children.<P>I walked the OM out, and told him that if he was ever in my house again, I would call the police and beat the living **** out of him until they got there. I also told him to stay away from my children.<P>After he left, I spoke with my W at length. I told her how hurt and betrayed I was. I told her how angry I was. I cried a little, and I asked her what she wanted. She insisted that she did not know. I asked her if she loved me, and she said that she "cared for me, and would always love me." She said she was "head over heels" in love with the OM. <P>I am thinking of trying Plan B. I don't know what to do. I am very close to filing for divorce, though I REALLY don't want to. I want to work it out, to be her husband. I just don't know if its possible. It's been a horrible, horrible day. My W is the type of person who will go to the ends of the earth to prove you wrong. I really wonder if there is no hope left. That is how I feel. <P>All this because I forgot my shoes......<P>I feel like such a fool. She tells me she does not want to give up her job, and she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants to do. I threatened to contact her company's corporate headquarters and let them know what was going on. She said "Then it's oer." (I also threatened not to watch the children as I had promised I would the night before.) I took it back, only because I had made a promise. <P>I don't want to give up. I don't know how long I can wait, how much I can take, though.<P>Joe

Joe John,<P>I am so sorry she is hurting you like this. It may not be time for Plan B, but it is definitely time for Love Must Be Tough (James Dobson).<P>She won't feel true love for you until she respects you.<P>Please get it from the library or a Christian Bookstore. You don't have to be a Christian to agree with and apply it's principles.<P>Praying for you,<BR>LIZZIE<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Joe,<BR> I think that your wife is very confused and she is still in the throes of her addiction (the om). It sounds like you are still getting through to her with your Plan A. I would give it more time, and perhaps their relationship will come to an end. Then you can work on things without the interupption. I know that it is tough to be patient (boy, do I ever know!). Hang tough!<P>dzrt

Thank God your not me, Joe. You'd be in jail right now. <P>PS. You are now a Plan B candidate<BR>PSS. Do this to save your own emotional well being, not to turn your wifes head around.<BR>

Hi Joe -<P>I'm so very sorry for the pain of having to see that .... as well as all the rest that you're going through.<P>I don't think Plan B is needed yet, but I do think that some things have to be addressed.<P>The fact that that man was in your house with your children is unacceptable. And it is obvious that she is too caught up with this High of hers to think responsibly .....<P>I would definitely put some sort of plan in action that would prevent this from ever happening again....her word is not good enough while she is this caught up in it.<P>I don't know what you can work out...but I would make sure that the kids were under my close supervision from now on.<P>If she wants to have cake and eat it too, then she should realize that that is not something to be exposed to the children....she should move out and let you and the kids keep some assemblence of a "normal" family life going while she wages this battle with herself...<P>This of course would only be if she can't live in the same house with you. I would stop being the one to leave and sleep somewhere else...it's her creating the environment of non-family so she should not be marring it with this kind of thing. It belongs away from your household!! <P>Even with the current "solution" you two have going with the sleeping bit...the kids ARE being affected and this other possiblility that you witnessed is noticed by them, whether they are though to be sleeping through it or not...I bet they wake up and hear someone there.<P>No, I don't think this is good at all!!<P>You should stay with your children. There has to be some consistancy and I believe that you are needed to provide it.<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba

Joe,<BR>I am so sorry. I cannot describe how I felt when I read your post. That is one of my worst nightmares, I honestly do not know how I would react. <P>No one person can tell you how to proceed. You must do what is right for you. The only advice I could give is do what you feel is right, Proceed in a manner which will produce no regret in the future. Good luck to you and your children.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Thanks everyone so much for your advice. After talking to my therapist, I am trying a form of Plan B. His opinion is that I need to gain her respect, because right now she knows that no matter what she does, I want to take her back. I want her to come home with all of my heart. I love her with all of my heart. I want her to call, I want to hear her voice, and I want to be with her. <P>My therapist insisted that I should not accept this. He urged me to be kind, but not to tell her I love her until she tells me she loves me, and to take care of myself. He told me that she must be held accountable for her bahavior and that she must realize that there are consequences for her bahavior. He said that most people avoid confronting that, that she wants to spend more time with the OM and be with him because she does not have to think about her actions, just how good it feels. He tells me that if I back off and show that I am fine, if I am strong and don't let her take advantage, she will in a way be forced to look at the situation. <P>My wife is not ready for Plan A. She does not want to give up the OM, and insists that she does not know what she wants. She is "straddling the fence" as my therapist puts it, and is getting to keep me strung along while keeping the OM.<P>But mostly, as dzrt said, I am doing this for my own sanity. It's been too hard to keep waiting, wondering, knowing she will not give up her job or the OM, and for her to keep telling me she "doesn't know what she wants."<P>I will read that book Liz, thanks for the tip! I keep looking for more books to help me get through this. <P>Sheba - I have to let her have the kids. I am monitoring the situation, and I know that he cannot be there without me finding out. I need to have some time for myself - time to go to therapy, time with adults, time to relieve stress so I do not go crazy. Both my children are under two - my son is six months and my daughter's birthday is Nov. 13, and she will be two. I have the kids Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. We are going to alternate Sundays. We were supposed to spend Sundays together with the kids, but I would rather not be with her. I take that back. I most definitely want to be with her, but don't think it's a good idea right now.<P>I am trying to get myself together and in a good place. I have been capitulating and helping as much as I can, and I have been taken advantage of horribly. I watched the kids Friday, Saturday and Sunday so she could work - and he's at her work. We spent time together Sunday night, and Monday morning I find him in my bed. Even though I would wholeheartedly go for Plan A, my W obviously will not.

JJ,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My wife is not ready for Plan A. She does not want to give up the OM, and insists that she does not know what she wants. She is "straddling the fence" as my therapist puts it, and is getting to keep me strung along while keeping the OM.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>She's not ready for Plan A? Plan A is you do not do any Love Busters. It is being "safe" around her. Someone she can talk to without getting yelled at or stuff thrown in her face all the time. She doesn't have to "want" Plan A. Just do it. She has no reason (except guilt) for her not wanting you to be nice to her.<P>Get a copy of Private Lies. Explains a lot of what is going on in her head.<P>Check out my website for some books to read.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Hi JoeJohn<P>I feel for ya man. Decide now on whether you really want your W back after this. She is clearly on the fence or just scared of hurting you. <P>Get out of this rut of trusting her and living like this. Stand tall and have respect for yourself. You are a man who needs a loving caring wife. If she is in LA LA Land then leave till she decides. Take care of your kids and ensure you make a better life for yourself. Regain that confidence you had while courting your Wife into marriage. Glow with strength and self respect. Life is short and no human should live like this. You love your old Wife, she is a different person now. When she see your a man with respect and strength then she will see what she has given up. She will then wake up from La La Land and see you differently. <P>Right now you have no control over her, control what you can. You will feel better when you see yourself doing something productive for yourself.. ie. exercise, buying clothes, going out to pubs and socialize as much as possible. Are you in Toronto? I'll take ya out for a few beers...<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

Chris,<P>I was doing Plan A. She told me that her and the OM had stopped seeing each other. I was loving, supportive and did not go near a "Love Buster." <P>Then I found her in my bed with the OM on Monday morning. <P>She told me that she is head over heels in love with him, but that she cares about me and loves me, and does not know what she wants. <P>I don't know if I understand Plan A correctly. I thought Plan A was being understanding and to negotiate in a loving way without Love Busters to the spouse seperating from the lover. She does not want to do that. They work together, and she told me that she wants to be with him. She also told me that if she had to give up her job, she would resent me.<P>On the advice of my therapist, I am distancing myself and trying to be strong, to show her that I can be okay without her. His opinion is that I need to not have her pity me, but to have her respect me. He also says that people do not want to be confronted with their problems and issues - that it is human nature to avoid them. By protecting myself and trying to take care of myself, he thinks that she will begin to confront these issues because I am not forcing her to, which just makes her avoid them even harder. <P>And this sounds like Plan B to me. <P>I will read that book you suggested. I am still being kind, but I am limiting my contact. My therapist said I must still be kind and loving, but that I should take care of myself.<P>Toronto - what you said is what my therapist said too. She is a different person, and I don't know how much I know her anymore. I still love her and want to be with her, but things must change for that to happen. I am slowly getting more confident and stronger, and I am taking care of my kids and getting out more. (I really just started this week.) Thanks for the advice, and if I was in Toronto, I'd definitely take you up on that beer!<P>I am also discovering my faith in God, something I have not had or maybe allowed in a long time. I have been talking to our pastor, and it is helping quite a bit. I pray to God to help me find the courage and strength I need each day, and thank him for being eith me through this terrible adversity. Thank you all for your help. Any more ideas on books are more than welcome too!<P>

JoeJohn,<P>I think you have Plan A down. Doesn't mean yo uneed to be a door mat. Just watch the Love Busters. Plan B is when you have no contact with her until she gives up the om. Do Plan A as long as you can.<P>Check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007167.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007167.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>