Think about letting WW return home under YOUR conditions:

1. Complete transparency - cell phones, computer, passwords, etc
2. No more FB
3. No more opposite sex friendships
4. No overnights apart
5. NC with OM for life
6. NC letter to OM in which she addresses her selfish and disrespectful actions and the hurt she has caused to her family.
7. commitment to MB program to learn how to affair proof your M and rebuild the romantic love.

This would give you the opportunity to turn this around and keep your family together while leaving the door open to D if she cannot meet your requirements and become a trustworthy W.

This would give her the chance to EARN back your love and trust.

Yes, I have thought long and hard about this. We have always been an extemely close knit family. The thought of the OM being stepdad makes me sick to my stomach. The children rotate one day with me, one day with her. Visualizing my life without my family is the scariest thing I have ever faced.


I plan to discuss her moving back in this weekend with her. I brought up the subject last night and she is eager to talk about it more.

I don't want my own pride to stand in the way of "what could be". I just don't want my heart stepped on again!!!!

I think this is my own self preservation insticts.

I am going to follow your advice. This is a reasonable and wise approach.


I want to thank everyone of you. I have been lurking here for some ime and am just so glad I reached out to this community.

I understand completely! I think we can be a great help in this regard. If you and your wife implement EP's *AND* start taking steps NOW to restore romantic love to your marriage, you can transform this. It would help if you had her come and post to us. If she is sincere we will know it. If there is any bullcrap going on, we will weed it out.

What is so interesting about your thoughts is that last summer, after reading Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and taking the survey, we realized that 8 out of 10 of the EN�s couldn�t be better. We have worked though the challenges in our marriage and have a good understanding of what the other needs. Parts of our marriage now have never been better. Our communication has reached a level I never thought we could get to. But, what I didn�t know while we were working on these things is that she couldn�t let him go. She was addicted to the contact. She was even talking with him about continued reconciliation with me. Of course he told her she would be in a �prison� if she came back. Clearly he had his own self interest in mind.

Currently, in some ways, our romantic love is at an all time high. She is committed to meeting my emotional needs. I she says the voids that were in her life are now gone.
I wish I had a crystal ball to know if what she is saying and doing is FOR REAL.

And the reason that it was so hard for her to break that addiction is that she didn't live with you. She was free to pursue her addiction! She wasn't sleeping with you at night and was living apart so it was too easy to pursue that addiction. If she had been with you, it would have been much easier to WITHDRAW because it would have been much harder to carry on her affair.

It is sort of like the alcoholic. Is it easier to stop drinking when you are in the bar or when you are far away from it?

A separation like this is almost a guarantee of a resumed affair so it doesn't surprise me at all that the affair continued. The continued contact would have been much less likely to take place if she had stayed home.

When was she last in contact with the OM? I am doubtful that she is in love with you.

Great plan to follow.

To recap, March 2011, exposure. She said told him it was over the following week. (I can confirm this). After that time, he continued to reach out to her via email. She said she would go for weeks at a time with no contact, but then would have a moment of weakness and they would talk for a few days. He talked her into meeting her for lunch 2x�s. Once the last of June, another, the middle of July at a restaurant. She has not seen him since July, 2011.

After the last meeting in July, she said again she would go for weeks with NC and then they would email. During this time, we were spending nearly every day together after work and the weekends, as a family. We were working on our relationship. Reading, counseling, working hard. Our time together was very special. A new bond was being built between us.

She says that last August her feeling starting to diminish for him. But, they continued to have spotty contact once a month or so (email only) until December 2011. She said starting in October, she felt her feelings start to return for me, which she thought would never happen. To her surprise, because we were both trying our best to meet each other�s EN�s, love was returning at a rapid pace.

She says that now she has fallen back in love with me. Her actions show this to be true. But, I understand your doubt. I am just sitting back watching, waiting and letting it play out

Oh, the last contact was she mailed him a strongly worded NC letter 3 weeks ago acutally going as far as saying she would issue a restraining order if he contacted her again.

Prior to that, he emailed her in December.

20years. That is the thing that I too struggled with the most. My own FWH seemed so sincere and remorseful. He would look me straight in the eye and say "may god strike me dead if I am lying." blah blah blah

Turned out he was lying. He was continuing to manipulate and deceive me into believing that he was committed to the M while he was still meeting OW. I was completely devastated. I think a very important part of me died when I found out the truth.


That was 3 years ago. We are still married and are now quite happy. How did I move on after that?



1. I decided that I owed it to my kids to try everything I could to keep their family together.

2. I decided that I would not make any decisions for one year. I gave the M my all for one year. No expectations.

3. I finally found MB which taught me how to affair proof the M and make me feel safe again.

4. MB also taught me how to rebuild the romantic love.

5. I still struggle from time to time with the lying part. When that happens, I look at what FWH is doing NOW. That person who could so easily look me in the eye and lie is my OLD husband. My NEW husband is a treasure.


You can move on 20years. It is not an easy road but it is well worth it. Get your WW back home. Affairs are an addiction and your WW cannot break it on her own. Rebuilding the love and feeling safe will never happen from a distance.

Expect your willingness to reconcile with WW to change on an hourly basis. It is a rollercoaster.



How did you get to the point in which you were able to visulize and see your NEW husband? What did take to get there?

How did you get to the point where you could really SEE the NEW husband? and no the OLD husband?

To me, only the most committed, remorseful, regretful, desperate to make things right woman would be welcome in my marriage. She has done all that I ask and I have spent a lot of time trying to make things right with her.

I left zero room for fog, withdrawal, or any obstacle she could have put up since our dday. My wife was in a long term affair so not to have any fog or withdrawal is an interesting nugget. How is it possible? She did not like him very well over last period of time yet ADDICTION to the life she was able to maintain with him allowed her to do things that really make no sense, in hindsight.

So, how do I know shes for real? I dont. I have let her earn my trust with actions. And she has been amazing despite me being a basket case.

How has she earned your trust?

This is what I plan to submit to her.
___________________________

Please think about this. These are my terms for our future. I know there are no guarantees and would look at this as a trial period for 1 year to see how things play out. If you can agree to this, I am ready to move forward with our future. A breach of any of this things means and end to us.

I still want you in my life, and I still want to be in yours.

1. Move back into the house
2. Complete transparency - cell phone, computer passwords, telling me where you are at and when
3. No more social networking sites
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. No overnights apart
6. Commitment to Marriage Builders program to learn how to affair proof our marriage and rebuild our romantic love.
7. Continue counseling indefinitely (individual and together)
7. Tell me immediately if contact in any form takes place
8. Have a wonderful time enjoying each other every day!!!!!!

Just my opinion. I think removing these parts makes you sound strong and determined.

ETA: I'm not sure about #7 Counseling... unless it is with the Harleys. Most counselors seem to focus on naval gazing with no real plan for recovery.

It is very clear in his "actions" and lifestyle. MB calls it EPs (extraordinary precautions) which set up boundaries to protect the M. These would be your terms for her to return home.


My FWH had to make a complete change in his lifestyle. This was my requirement for ME to stay in the M. My NEW husband behaves in a way that protects our M. It is easy to see "actions" and easy to verify with keyloggers, etc.

In the early recovery days, covertly verifying his actions was crucial in helping me to rebuild my trust. Seeing him be honest when he thought I wasn't looking was very comforting. Now I just feel the need to verify at odd random times.

I won't lie...it took years for me to feel safe with him again. And I will never again have blind trust in him. But that is what MB teaches us...blind trust is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

ML is right. Have your WW post here. We can tell if she is really serious or not and also help to point her in the right direction.

I think you have a good chance of recovering your M if you get WW back home and implement the MB principles.

I understand you concerns on the counselor. We had a really bad one for months which didn�t really help much. We changed and found a very goal and results oriented counselor who has similar philosophies as Dr. Harley. We are reading following Fall in Love Stay in Love and Surviving Infidelity for the 2nd time and plan to follow these principles to the letter.

20years. This was my own private plan about waiting one year to decide. My FWH did not know about this. I didn't want it to seem like a test.

I gave him my conditions and left it at that.

Dr. Harley�s thoughts on trust have been a struggle for me. I was raised in the best possible environment a person could ask for. My parents never had an argument (at least that I ever saw). My father was a minister and an engineer. Very successful both personally and professionally. Trust seemed to always be a given. I admit that I did trust myself and my wife too much. Thinking that I should NEVER trust her is just very hard to wrap my arms around. I completely understand what he means but at the same time, it goes against what I have always known.
But, look where going with �all I have ever known� has gotten me. Trying to figure out how to get there mentally.