My husband and I have been married almost three years and together for five. This is a second marriage for both. I am 48, he is 63. He has been unhappy for the last six months or so, says that he feels trapped. His career has not been going well and he openly worries about how little time he has left to accomplish the things he wants to do, like writing a novel. There is still a lot of love between us and he says "I love you" routinely and genuinely and each time we talk on the phone. The problem is that he says he just would rather not be married, that he wants to be alone this time of his life and has moved back to his house (which he still owns because he had a grown son going to college in our town) about ten minutes away. That being said, as soon as he goes to his house he says that he finds that he misses me etc. He feels that being at my house just makes him depressed and confused. (I do have 13 and 17 year old daughters who he loves and have not caused problems between us.) I don't think that he has been having an affair. He basically lived and work out of our house until he moved back to his and we were around each other quite a bit. Plus, I know that he has strong feelings against infidelity. We broke up just before we married because he said he didn't want to have a family at this time in his life. Then, he changed his mind and we married. I feel like he is doing it again. He has intermittently expressed a desire for divorce. He says that we have compatibility issues because I want to do more things together and he doesn't, he would rather be alone. It is making me sick having him come over, tell me he loves me, and then leave to go to his house to sleep. I just don't understand it and am torn between just letting this phase run its course and hope he comes back or giving him an ultimatum. What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated.

I would hire a PI and find out what he does in his secret second life. It is alarming that you have separate households and a huge red flag indicator that he has someone else. There is a lot he is not telling you, so I would find out what that is.

Did your marriage start as an affair?

There are various ways to spy on him, but the most efficient way is to hire a PI. He can find out very quickly what your H is doing. Here is a link to a PI register: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472268#Post2472268

If you cannot swing a PI, then go look at the Operation Investigate forum to get ideas for various spying resources.

Thank you for the responses. No, our marriage did not start as an affair. We met on online and both of us were divorced. When we met, I had just moved to this city and had bought a house. He has been living in this city many years and already had his own house where he had raised his children. His son was going to college in town so when we married he moved in with me and my children and left his grown son to live in his house. His son just graduated from college but is still living in the house. Also, this is the house in which his daughter was living when she passed away at 14 and he has a strong attachment to the place. He literally did not go back to his house even to visit for months at a time. I understand the concern about an affair but honestly he was living and working at my house 24/7 until recently so he was not leaving to go out etc. He also always left his computer on and open without password protection. I had started to ask for more time together and more intimacy and he resisted saying he couldn't really be himself in my house because I wanted him to go to bed with me and he wanted to stay up etc. Hope this clarification helps. Does that change the advice?

Why would he rather live alone than with you? What does he say you are doing that makes him so miserable?

He is a pretty gruff person sometimes. When he would be in his office in the house on his computer and I would come in and ask what he was doing or if he wanted to go do something, he would snap at me or tell me that I wasn't saying things directly and his response would make me feel bad. So he says that he can't be himself around me because in his family of origin (4 boys) they would often blow back at each other and nobody would get offended. He also says that we have different needs. For example, I want to work out together or at least go to the gym together and do other things together and he says he prefers to work out alone. Basically, he just seems to want to do his own thing and gets frustrated at my methods of communication and my desire for more closeness.

I would find out what he doing, because it really sounds to me like he has a secret second life. He is doing something that prevents him from investing in this marriage. And whatever it is seems to be so important that he would divorce over it.

I would do some digging and see what it is. Can you get to his computer and put a keylogger on it? Have you ever run a background check on him to verify his past?

In the meantime, go read the article When to Call it Quits. It gives a solution when a spouse refuses to meet your needs. It is clear your husband does not want to be a husband at all. You have every right to expect that your H will meet your needs in marriage and he refuses. When to Call it Quits

Thanks MelodyLane. I don't think that he has a secret second life. I think that, your're right, he really would prefer to sit on his computer and pretend to write his novel then actually have the demands of a wife or family placed upon him. He also doesn't really want to work either and so only works in fits and starts and his partners have asked me how they can get him to work more. I have not specifically verified his past but we are both high profile professionals in town and his past has been pretty easy to verify as he is fairly well known etc. I think that he is depressed about his life, lack of material success, etc. and so he retreats.

He is doing something on that computer that keeps him completely occupied and writing a novel is not a satisfactory explanation. There is something MORE going on here that you don't know about.


What an odd statement. A marriage should be his greatest source of happiness, especially in a new marriage. Yet he views you as a burden when you ask to spend time with him. That tells me he is extremely emotionally invested ELSEWHERE. It is the ELSEWHERE you need to dig out.

He must be doing something on that computer that keeps him occupied. That is what you have to uncover.

Do you support him financially?

Can you get to his computer and install a keylogger? What about his phone? Do you have access?

No, I do not support him financially. He works just enough to support his needs. He was also helping me out financially (helping pay half the household bills) until recently when he said that he could no longer do so because of his strained finances and he moved out. He also pays the bills on the other house. He just never works enough to actually make any reserves and money is always tight. Since he works and gets paid by the hour, his schedule and his income are determined by his efforts.

I can't get to his computers now because he has moved them out (at my request). He was actually coming to our house to work and then leaving to go sleep at his house. He has had in the past a considerable addiction to porn. Our sex life has not been that good since he says that he finds our intimacy very depleting energetically.

PS I do have access to his cell phone since his phone and his sons phone are on my plan so I have access to all the numbers he calls without a problem.

This is the missing link right here. The porn addiction is probably the source of the problem. That would explain why he wants to be away from you at night and has no interest in intimacy with you. He likely stays up late at night using porn and masturbating.

Ok, if that is it, what should I do?

I would address this with him and tell him your marriage can't survive this way. Tell him you suspect his porn addiction is the source of the problem and ask him about it. He will likely lie about it but you can at least get this out on the table. In the meantime, I would start taking the steps outlined in the article When to Call it Quits and hopefully that will make a difference.

Here is Harley's article on porn addiction and you will see many similarities between your situation and the letter writer: here

You can also email Dr Harley on his radio show and ask for his advice. [it is free] But you must explain in your email that your husband has had a porn addiction because otherwise, your story doesn't make sense. I knew there was something more going on here, which is why I suggested spying on him. Porn explains that missing link so be sure and get all the facts out on the table.

Ok, I am not sure that the porn addiction is it though as I haven't seen evidence of it in quite a long time. It is just something that happened in the past.

The reason I knew there was more is because a spouse must be powerfully emotionally invested ELSEWHERE in order to go to these lengths to avoid his marriage. It is almost always due to an addiction, such as an affair, porn, gaming addiction, etc.

A marriage competes with such addictions.

Then you need to BE SURE. If it is not the porn, then it is something else, such as an affair. The fact that you have not seen evidence of it does not mean it is not happening. This is why I suggested that you investigate.

Check out what others are saying about affairs or porn...

but also ask yourself why does he want the benefits of marriage (whatever he gets out of it...do you at least make dinner?) but not want to put any effort into it? So he will let you meet his needs (at least some of them) but won't meet yours (which the Harley's define as the state of Conflict)...

Can you perhaps do the Emotional Needs inventory to see if there is someplace you are not meeting his needs that you are not aware of?

Also could you POJA his novel writing? Ask him why he feels he can't write a novel while being married?