Me (29) and DH (27) have been married for almost 6 years and together for 8.5. We have one DD (4). From discovering Dr. Harley's books and this site realized we had gotten into a pattern of doing a lot of LB's and not meeting needs correctly for awhile. At the time I thought we were just going through a rough patch and it would get better as time went on. DH though had started to become very depressed about the state of our marriage and finally told me he wasn't happy and didn't want to continue the rest of his life with things the way they were. His biggest complaints were that I made him feel like I only cared about myself and not for him and always made him feel like he was a let down and couldn't make me happy. That was a little more than a year ago.

Since then we had stumbled along. I kinda still thought it was a phase that would pass, but he grew more unhappy and the fighting began to become constant. I read some unhelpful relationship things that seemed to focus on why things went wrong due to differences or how one was raised and not on actually how to make a marriage good. Finally discovering Dr. Harley was the best thing that could have happened.

By the time a couple months ago when I did DH was in a state of withdrawal and I was panicked over the realization that I was gonna lose him if I couldn't find a way to turn things around. I absorbed the books and started putting them into practice and changing me. They were a huge eye opener for me. I have been guessing at DH's needs and trying hard to meet them and working to avoid my LB's. Slowly things have definitely been improving and DH is now somewhere between withdrawal and conflict. It kinda feels like we have hit a stall though. I guess maybe the fits and starts are normal?

Hoping for some more progress I asked DH if he would be willing to read the books. He said he would and started them that night, 2 nights ago. I noticed he also took notes.I was both excited and scared to death when he started them. I'm hoping he gets what I got out of them, but scared him being still withdrawn he'll be hesitant to see the hope in them. I would love to discuss what he thinks so far. Should I ask? Or wait to see if he approaches me about it? I don't want to push him and turn him off of the program. I also gave him a printout of the needs Questionnaire and asked him if he would be willing to fill it out for me.

What are some definite signs I should be looking for to know the things I'm doing are making love bank deposits for him if he doesn't tell me? What should I be looking for to know he is falling back in love with me? DH is a major pessimist and I know he is afraid to trust the changes and knowing him I know he will hesitate admitting or showing he is feeling different until he trusts in the changes being for real.

I would suggest that you give him his opportunity to talk and you listen to every word, don't get mad look at it a chance to save your marriage by meeting his needs the way he needs to have them met, you also start spending quality time together talking, holding hands, don't just watch tv together......
I think you have a husband who is willing you know how many aren't interested, he is looking at this a chance too.......
Maybe you could say something like when you are ready can we set up a time to discuss the books we have read and figure out how to make each other happy.
Have you also taken notes and filled out the questionnaires......I would also tell him that you will set a limit of the discussions and maybe giving time to process the information you both get.......
That way you can still get your quality time in together to have fun together .....
He should be able to let you know what his emotional needs are and then you can make sure you change your past history on those and you fill his love banks but it takes time for him to trust the change, remember that and be understanding of his fear......
You will know by the way he acts towards you again that will take time, just enjoy the process, today be happy with a little and then build up to what you should have had all along in your marriage, the love is there, just blocked, it shouldn't take long if you have a new attitude and new outlook, you can only control yourself and you do the best job you know you can do.......he will take care of his part............
good luck

Thank you jessitaylor. I'm sorry I have been so busy and just now been back to view your reply. He is still reading so I haven't brought it up yet. I printed out the questionnaires for us both and had not done mine yet, but plan to to give to him too.

I have noticed more improvements since I made my post. His demeaner towards me has definitely changed and I am seeing the man I married returning. He also has returned to sleeping in our bed. He had moved himself to an air mattress in the other room a couple of months ago.

Last night me and DH ended up talking and having sort of a relationship conversation. We had started up discussing some other issue and he led it to some of his gripes. I took it as a way to listen to things I still needed to improve and things that bothered him the most that were the most important issues to him. Unlike in the past we handled the conversation way. A lot of repeating to make sure we understood just what the other was saying. We didn't end up arguing or ended up with it getting heated so I think it went well. In the past a lot of our discussions ended up with him full angry outburst mode and me having emotional shutdowns. So very much a huge improvement.

Right now he said he sees things changing, but he's not ready to trust them as permanent yet. I'm guessing time will be the only remedy to prove that things are improving and the changes I am making are here to stay. He still feels the sting of things I did in the past and how some of the things I am doing now feel forced to him and he is not trusting that they mean I really care about him. I have been working hard on showing my admiration for him. Even though in the past I thought or felt a lot of the things I did, I never told him. To say it now does feel and sometimes come out a little awkward. From the books I'm guessing this will improve as I get more accustomed to doing it. Should I be trying a different attempt to show this?

The only thing he could think of when I asked what I was doing lately that needed to change or bothered him, was how a few times he'd been in an irritated bad mood and he felt like I was pestering him which didn't improve it. One of his previous complaints was that one of the things I did that I made him feel like I didn't care about him was I didn't seem to notice when he was upset. I had a lot of the time, but had often not said anything. Now I make sure to ask him if something is wrong. A lot of the time I let it go after that, but if he says he doesn't know or is just angry I realize I do have a tendency to then ask if I did something and do what I see now is seen as pestering. I guess the solution is to stop and wait for him to come to me. I did tell him because of the past when he often wouldn't come to me later or tell me if it was something I did when I did that that was why. I know this new approach just irritates him. He did say the initial asking didn't bother him it was just my not letting it go for him to calm down that was the problem.

Also another big issue for him is our sex life. He's never felt like I was an active partner. I'm working on that. I've told him I wish and in the past have asked for more input from him on what he wants and likes, etc and he just has said I don't know. I feel like he expects me to just know. He's started to say some so I'm working on what I have to go on. Can anyone here recommend any good books or references for me?

Sex

What men want .... an enthusiastic partner whom they KNOW they can pleasure.

Hi grumpsygal,

it is good to read that things are improving. Things feel awkward in the beginning, this will change when you stick to practice and repetition of MB plan. Dr Harley has wrote this article about rules that guide good habit formation in marriage: HERE

LB and EN questionnaires are necessary to fill out because you can then discuss and ask each other questions about each others needs and lovebusters, this information is very helpful to form new habits. It is so very often that we are afraid of asking questions, somehow it is common that when you married a person you should've known already everything about him. It is important to be consistent and willing, bad habits won't go away that easily if you try this MP plan only in bits or only during a certain time.

Sex is not any different than any other intimate emotional need in MB programme. You have to do the programme in its entirety.

Dr. Harley has some real good information on sex in HNHN in the Sexual Fulfillment chapter. The audio is also good. Even though we had a very fulfilling sex life and have been married a long while, some of the chapter was still an eye-opener and very helpful.

He recommends a book that I purchased and really like called "Woman's Orgasm" by Georgia Klein-Graber. It was printed in 1975 but has some great information about sexual fulfillment from a woman's point of view.

Sex is truly fulfilling for a man in love when his woman is also sexually satisfied and fulfilled. WO books helps a woman from beginning to end of that process.

Your H just might not know how to articulate what he wants and that what he really wants is your enthusiasm for a wonderful sexual experience with him.

You and your H are so fortunate that you found MB at your young age. It's the best marriage program we have ever seen. If we had discovered it way back when, our marriage could have so much happier.