I don't post much anymore... which I think is good (I think!)

I have been divorced for 7 years and I have this thing where I want a relationship but then I don't? I can't explain it better than that. I am definately not a lazy person by any means and am very active in my career, bike racing and with my children. But for the life of me, I put so little effort into trying to meet someone that I wonder what the heck is wrong with me.

Is it confidence? I do think many of us that were dumped by the ex's have struggled to get our confidence back. Or is it trust? After being left by our ex's do we not trust anyone again? Is it fear of being hurt again? Or do I just want to be on my own and not have a relationship?

I would really like to hear from others on this subject. And while I value everyone's opinion I would really like to hear from people that have been divorced for quite some time like me.

Hi BHINWI~ I am newly D, but have no desire either. I think ALL of the above is why. I'm afraid of this happening again, I feel like I can't trust, I have baggage now, blah, blah, blah.

The good thing is, I am currently content with right where I am. I am content with simply...being.... I am naturally a very independent person, so after the hellacious 3 years I've been through, I am finally at a place of peace and contentment, even though being D is not the way I hoped my sitch would end.

With that being said, although I have NO desire for any type of LTR, I would like to meet others to simply share companionship with...going to the movies, out to eat, etc.

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I am putting in ZERO effort to meet someone. I don't think I'll ever "seek out" someone, but rather am waiting on my heart to be healed, then if God chooses to place someone in my path, I'll heed His direction.

Im newly divorced as well and i have put little to no effort into finding someone. Like Migs, im waiting on myself to heal before really trying hard for something new. I have little time and opportunity to try and meet someone anyway. I would love however to have a few people of the opposite sex to share some time with. The last few weeks its been very hard for me to be alone.

Hats off to both of you if you are newly divorced and don't want to date. Many of us, wanted to date after our divorces but it was for the wrong reasons. I never dated seriously until 1 1/2 years after my divorce and even then it was too soon. I had a lot to learn about healing.

But now, 7 years out, I am concerned that my lack of interest is a bad thing. I do want companionship but am very good at cominig up with a hundred reasons why not to pursue it.

Very frustrating....
Keith

Bhiniwi, i have struggled on and off with this subject. Honestly it is probably to soon for me to date. My mind is still racing with and dealing with the aftermath of WeW's damage that she has caused with me and my children. But I really long for some companionship, especially this time of year! This weekend i took a little time to talk to some girls that i was attracted to.. but it was difficult and i felt out of place. I think god will show me when it is supposed to happen and who it should be with.

I met a great guy online who I wasn't interested in "courting" with because he was only a few weeks divorced after 24 years of marriage. I am a bit "commitment phobic" and also stressed about "dating" when every man I go out with seems to want to get physical/sexual right away.

This guy and I felt "safe" with each other and were just friends and someone to hang out with. We were good supports for each other, I think. No way would we be good marriage partners, but it is good to not have to eat or watch movies alone. It is good to have someone to talk/listen to. It is nice to be around the opposite sex and have an "excuse" to fix yourself up and get out of the house.

I think you could probably find someone in the same boat as you...just wanting some companionship with the opposite sex. Better keep it non sexual (I had no problems with hugs, hand holding in the movie, but no passionate kissing!) Getting physical/sexual could lead to a rebound romance that would set your healing back, I think. Nice, warm, friendly hugs are good for everybody, I think!

Just make sure you are open and honest about "where you are" emotionally and don't let yourself get too deep.

Good luck!

LostMan,

Looking at your signature, you are about the same age as me when my WW had her first emotional affair. At the time, I had no clue what an EA was other than she was seeing someone and as she said, "they were just friends.". It was a confusing time for me. It took me about 8 more years and 2 more of her "friends" to finally figure out that an EA is an affair and out of the bounds of a marraige.

Sorry to hear you are still dealing with the devasation of it all. I remember it like it was yesterday but it also seems like a lifetime ago too....

tnmom66,

That is good advice. I want companionship and then see where it goes from there. Dinner, movies, bike rides, fun stuff. I just got to do something about it and make it happen.

Tnmom~ Yep! Great advice...precisely what I'm interested in also.....

I think it is a mixture of both being skeptical and content. Also after learning marriage builders concepts, you want a great relationship and will not settle for less. It will all work out for you in the end, because you now know how the love bank works.

Hi, BHINWI. Long time.

I personally would really like to be in love again. I would like someone to share my life with besides my children.

So, I date. And I enjoy it most of the time. But, it never seems to take any more. The more men I meet, the clearer it becomes that what I had with Mike was unique.

Just my luck. A girl who does not believe in soul mates or The One, ends up a one-man-girl for life. I'm looking at 35 years and 7 months before I see that man again. That's a long time. I'm a little annoyed.

Meanwhile, I'd like to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. My bet is when the right lady comes along, you will definitely want a relationship.

Keith, nice to hear from you . I was divorced for 8 years before remarrying, so I sort of fit your pattern.

I dated on and off as you know, but I also did not let dating define me. I focused on my kids, and every time I got tired of dating, I took a step back and did some home improvement project. Let's just say that my house ended up getting very nicely fixed up over these years, that gives you an idea of how many breaks I took from dating .

I suspect that as always, you will find the perfect lady when you least expect it. So don't worry about it, or about the lack of interest - when the right woman shows up, you'll know it.

[TJ] Hi Greengables!! [/TJ]

AGG

TJ--Hi, Back, AGG. Each time the men I've gone out with done work out, I think back to you. I remind myself that Mike was an exception. He was the second man I dated after divorcing. Truly he was heaven-sent.--TJ

Another thought I keep having, and BHINWI, this may apply to you. I don't know. The message I get is "You've got something to do and you need to be unencumbered." It could be God sending the message or it could be that I've been reading too much super-hero fiction. At any rate, B, you're a great catch and when the right lady shows up, you won't be ambivilent.

AGG - That is exactly what I have done. I date, get tired of it, then work on my house. I have actually run out of rooms to remodel!

Hi GG, I sent you an email this morning but it bounced back. Do you still have mine?

I have something I want to send you.

Keith

There's always the outdoors to remodel .

AGG

AGG,

The outside is done also. Actually, I restored the outside to the point that it was featured in a Victorian supply catalog. (I restored the front porch and put new painted cedar siding on the house). It is an Old Victorian and sure is a lot of work.

I can say that working on this old house has kept me sane since the divorce. It is amazing what good therapy power tools can be!

Keith

That is awesome! I'm jealous . But yes, power tools are great therapy, and home projects are great excuses to need more tools .

AGG

BHINWI,

hugs

Keith I am so glad that I'm not the only one that was clueless about an EA. My ex had many of these over our 17 years but always made me feel like I was wrong for questioning him. He justified everything and made me look dumb. Sadly I believed him for many years until I just couldn't take it any more.

About your original question - I think you are in a good place. You are independent, confident in yourself, content, etc. It would be WONDERFUL if we could all get in that place.

As far as me wanting a relationship, I'm with you, I don't and I do. I think my problem is that we live in a 'relationship society' and there is a pressure to be in a relationship or you look pathetic to others. Maybe it's just a mindset I have but that's what bothers me. I think a relationship would be fun (once I have healed) but when I look at all the dynamics, it looks too scary and hopeless. What is the chance you are going to find THE ONE?

BTW, since you are out of 'home projects', I have many around my house that I want to tackle. Do you also come with an unlimited supply of money???