On Friday, my husband of almost eighteen years sat me down and told me that he hasn't been happy for some time, and that though he loved me as a friend, he was no longer in love with me and did not want to be married any longer.

I am 37, he is 41. In the past four years we have been through his second job loss, a year of unemployment in a terrible job market, his father passed away, and he started both a new job and a full-time college career. We also have a side business making jewelry on Etsy. I work full time in a professional job and am the primary breadwinner.

I truly believe that my husband is experiencing a mid-life crisis. He says he wants to get counseling services through his work to help him leave our marriage without hurting me any further. He is currently withholding physical affection (hugs, kisses, hand-holding - sex has often been a sore point between us) because he thinks it would be wrong to engage in this behavior when he does not feel the "flame" for me. He said that he has been considering telling me he was out of love with me for the last two weeks, and that he was advised on an online forum to do so sooner than later and to wait until the weekend so we could both go back to work.

He'll move out if I want him to, though we don't really have the funds to keep two households. He'll move in with his mother. But he wants to continue to eat meals with me, to have my company watching television, to do recreational things together.

I did ask him to leave our bedroom and sleep in the living room. I do not want him to move out just yet - everything is still too new and too raw for me to make that step yet. I am not sure if I want him to move out at all, right now the only thing I know for sure is that my heart is breaking. This is the man I have loved for half my life and we have weathered many emotional storms together. I was there for every minute of his father's passing, holding his and his mother's hands and trying to be strong for them. He was there for me when my grandmother and adopted grandmother passed away from cancers.

I want to wake up from this nightmare, but I know I am already awake, and there was a long path that got us here. I desperately want to come out the other end with the man I love and my marriage intact, but he says he doesn't want that, and anything I do isn't going to help change his mind.

He tells me that there is no one else, no other woman involved. He just wants to be alone and not have to answer for every minute of every day to me. I have agreed to give him that space, and asked to have that same space.

I have contacted my job's HR and asked for the Employee Assistance program information. Once I had it, I called and made an appointment with the counselor the EA counselor recommended to me. I am still waiting to hear back from the counselor for the initial appointment date and time. Since I can take work time to attend to this, I have notified my supervisor that something is wrong, just not exactly what the wrong IS. I have enlisted the help of a local friend to help me start building a life outside of socializing with just my husband for company.

I understand that the MLC roller-coaster is a long, bumpy, vomit-making ride. I could really use some online sick bags and pats on the back to tell me that I'm going to be okay, no matter what.

Thanks.

I am sorry you are here .. however this is the best place to be in such a situation.

SOme of what you say brings red flags to my attention .. when you stated that your hubby says " i love you but not in love with you" almost EVERY time that is said there is an affair brewing or in progress.

I suggest you do some snooping ... put a keylogger on his PC .. some spyware on his phone .. and a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car to find out what is REALLY going on .. waywards lie .. and just becasue he TELLS you there is no one .. doesnt mean there is no one. DO NOT Take his word for it but verifiy for yourself.

You will find that counselors will only facilitate your hubys wanting to leave ... or try and go back to your childhoods ... MC really have NO clue how to bring about love back into a marriage .. and have one of the highest rates of divorce of all professions. YOu will find that you will come out feeling worse than when you went in .. I would advise not to go .. and call the harleys here .. your money will be better spent.

Again .. sorry you are here .. Welcome to marriage builders.

Read the basic concepts .. and all you can get your hands on from this site... and verify your hubby is not having an affair .. and DO NOT show him this site until you find out whats really going on ... something is up ..

MNG

Snoop. Cheaters lie, of course he will say there is no one else. Check his phone, computer, GPS his car, put a voice-activated recorder in his car. ILYBINILWY speech nearly always means an affair.

DO NOT CONFRONT if (when) you find something. Come back here with the evidence.

He wants space to carry on his affair without you asking him questions.

Here is some stuff to sift through ...

Craziest things to come from a waywards piehole - http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2315999#Post2315999

The basic concepts - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Coping with infidelity - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Never take the word of a wayward - http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2549782#Post2549782

Snoop .. and then when you get the goods .. come back here with it so we can help you form a plan, BUT DO NOT SHOW YOUR SPOUSE OR LET ON YOUR SNOOPING! It could be a emotional affair .. or a physical one .. both are dangerous to your marriage.

You should be doing a stellar plan A while your snooping .. check here for details - http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184#Post2296184

MNG

justkelly, I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. What I am going to tell you is going to be a shock but it is vital that you carefully listen to us and follow our instructions if you want to save your marriage. And yes, you can save your marriage even though your husband is telling you he wants to end it. It is real important that you do what we tell you to do.

The fact that your husband says he loves you but is not in love is an indicator that he has a new point of comparison. He would not know this unless he was comparing your relationship to something else. This comment along with his desire for "space" almost always means he is having an affair. The solution for a bad marriage is to work to turn it around and the fact that he is not willing to do that, indicates he has an ulterior motive.

So, before we can help you, we need you to be very discreet and quietly spy on him to see what he is doing. Don't accuse, don't ask, just start snooping. We can help you with some very sophisticated methods if you will tell us how he would contact a potential affair partner. The best and quickest way is to hire a PI, but they can be pricey.

When you find something that either rules it in or out, come back here and we will help you with next steps.

In the meantime, cancel the "counseling." Counseling will be a disaster if your husband is in an affair. That is because the counselor will not understand she is dealing with a wayward and will only validate his marriage wrecking plans. Then it will be 10x harder for us to help you. Marriage counselors do not know how to save marriages and are little more than divorce facilitators.

I suspect what is going on here is that your H has found someone new and wants to EASE his way out of your marriage with no fuss and no muss. He wants to be your "friend" so he does not have to put up with any trauma or guilt. Then once he has you pacified and you are separated, he will suddenly "meet some new person."

And lastly, there is no such thing as a "mid life crisis;" it is a cultural mythology that is only strangely applied to those around 35-40. We have hundreds of people over on the Surviving an Affair forum who have exact same behaviors but they are outside of that age range and the cause is an affair.

Quoted for TRUTH! ML(melodylane) is the best of the best when it comes to the vets here on MB and 99.9% of the time she is SPOT ON!