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Joined: Feb 2012
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Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2012
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Hello all, I already feel like I know all of you. I have been reading this site for months now. I put all my info in my signature but if you need any more, just ask.
I finally got DH to fill out a problem analysis and my question is if it's normal for them to be so different from each other. His for me had mostly 4s and 3s, only a few 2s and no 1s. Mine is the opposite. How do we go about fixing things (mainly going from withdrawal to affection) when you both have such different views of how things are going?
As much as I would love to just think, cool I don't have to fix much of anything and he has all the work, I know it's not that simple.
Me-Megan
DH- since 2006
DS-10
DD-4
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Joined: Apr 2001
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As much as I would love to just think, cool I don't have to fix much of anything and he has all the work, I know it's not that simple. Welcome to Marriage Builders, YANDI.. It is very common for women to have more complaints in marriage than men. Men tend to annoy women more than women annoy men. You go about fixing things by following Dr Harley's program as outlined in this article: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage In your situation, I would start with the book, Lovebusters, and follow the guidelines in there. Then move onto His Needs, Her Needs. There is a workbook called Five Steps to Romantic Love that goes with them. They sell those books cheap here or you can get them on amazon.com. Another great resource, that is free, is the MB Radio show. Dr Harley answers questions about his show every weekday on the radio. It is very informative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Here is a good article about complaints in marriage: Complaining in Marriage
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2012
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Joined: Feb 2012
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Thank you, I have found a book store right by me that will order the books in for me so I will grab those. Will they help things if he has little, if any, involvement in reading or participating in the worksheets?
I know that he says that it's usually one person who starts the process of bringing things back to affection and I know this will be the situation here, I just don't know how I can control my frustration during the process, I'm already pretty worn out. I believe that since he sees things as pretty good, he doesn't feel the need to do the work as much.
Me-Megan
DH- since 2006
DS-10
DD-4
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
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Reading through that second link, my DH could have written that. He has told me to just be more positive and stop looking at just the bad parts more times than I can count. I will see if he will read that. Unfortunately I only got him to do the work he did do using angry outbursts and judgements which defeats the purpose.
Me-Megan
DH- since 2006
DS-10
DD-4
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Reading through that second link, my DH could have written that. He has told me to just be more positive and stop looking at just the bad parts more times than I can count. I will see if he will read that. Unfortunately I only got him to do the work he did do using angry outbursts and judgements which defeats the purpose. Ouch! For sure, I would work on eliminating your lovebusters and doing your best to meet his needs. You can movtivate him to engage in the program by cleaning up your side of the street first. Once you learn the program, you can decide how he would benefit the most and then sell it to him. People buy things when they see a perceived benefit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2012
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Joined: Feb 2012
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That is always me intention, I give up too easily.
It starts with me being the best wife possible, meeting his needs, not doing love busters and mentioning MB to him lovingly and he will seem very happy and receptive to getting on board so I'll send him links to read or ask for some time to sit down and talk about it and he will initially say Ok but he won't ever get around to it and as I wait for him to do something to help the situation (even it's it's not reading, just meeting some of my needs), I get frustrated and angry about working hard to fill his love bank while mine is running on empty. Then I give up and we go back to being little more than roommates.
How do I stop this cycle?
Me-Megan
DH- since 2006
DS-10
DD-4
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 69
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Moderator Member
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Posts: 69 |
You_and_I, please contact the moderators about the use of multiple aliases.
Thanks,
Cicada
cicada.mb@gmail.com
Moderator
cicada.mb@gmail.com
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