If intelius doesn't produce the results you need you may want to try this one.
http://www.veromi.com/

Keep posting your thoughts. This is the place to vent. Just want to see some action on the OM's exposure.

Don't worry about that right now. She's just trying to give you a little childish payback. Is DD even aware of this Saturday's get together?

SW and TR,
Ugh.......I feel so embarrassed reading about my own actions. I can answer you in one word..........ADDICTION!!

An affair is exactly like any other addiction. I enjoyed being with OM and he was meeting some of my needs while BH was meeting my other needs. I had my cake and was eating it, too. I couldn't give that up! I was sick. I needed my fixes.

It didn't matter that POSOM was bad for me and I would get angry at him.. because the high I was getting was so worth it (at that time in my drugged state). I was a selfish piece of garbage who was manipulating two men.

I don't know who I was at that time. That's why, SW, you have to constantly remind yourself that your wife is an addict and is not in her right mind.

I'll write more later. There are some things I want to bring to your attention, SW.

Gotta get back to work.

DD knows about this Saturday. She spoke with me last night briefly about not staying at WW's place that night, then I found out about Saturday. Sometimes DD will stay on Wednesdays, sometimes Thursday. She always sounds like she doesn't want to go over there, and she acknowledges this when I ask her. But she feels like she should because WW is her mother. She only stays over there once a week, sometimes not at all in a given week.

I need some advice on this. I would like DD to put more pressure on WW, but I don't want to come across as manipulative. I've told DD that she does not have to go to WW's place if she doesn't want to, but that it's up to her.

I commented to DS last night that I had not heard from WW about the student loan meeting on Saturday. He replied that he didn't think mom was going to talk to me for quite a while [in regards to exposure I'm sure]. He went on to say that he hates mom and that he hates MIL. Then he said that he didn't really hate grandma, just the fact that she was siding with mom, but that he DOES hate mom. He also said his cousin hates grandma for the fact that she's siding with WW.

WW has lost DS. She has caused irreparable damage between the two of them.

From our family's end, the only two people that still have the opportunity to have an impact on WW is DD and MIL. I'm going to talk to BILs about all three of us (and SILS) talking to MIL.

But DD also has the potential to influence her mother. I have to believe WW knows that DD is not happy with her and MIL. But I think that WW is choosing to ignore and she always tells DD that she IS her mother. So I know that she uses guilt against DD.

So how to I continue to have DD put pressure on WW? I would like to take this Saturday as an opportunity for DD to show WW her displeasure about what mom is doing. Have her try and get to WW while the exposure is relatively fresh.

I was thinking that DD could mention something about the ring (if she's still wearing it).

Advice anyone?

Thanks for the quick response. Maybe you could respond further as an update on your main/original thread to avoid thread jack?

**edit**

The Road sounds harsh but he's just looking out for you. You gotta hammer the POSOM.

I'm going to post on my own thread with some thoughts for you, SW, so that I don't hijack your thread.

I agree SW - We are working so hard to help you get your wife back and you are ignoring our advice. It is so frustrating.

For your sanity sake please read up on what I discussed concerning her being HIGH.

Please understand the nature of her addiction.

Please stop treating her like your wife, she isn't.

FINISH THE JOB SO YOU CAN GET YOUR WIFE BACK. Otherwise save yourself the heartache, go file for divorce, and be done with it.

The path you are taking is divorce.

Great post CT. SW you are not going to use logic to get your WW back and any type of education to her will be laughed at.

YOU CANNOT EDUCATE A WW.

Do not use your DD to present anything to your WW. If she does it on her own ....bonus.

Ideas that work have been presented to you by other posters.

Find the OM's parents and expose.
Good job inviting her to DS's financial meeting.
Keep watching for chances to plan A. Be creative.
Keep trying to entice her back to the M with full knowledge WW is with OM.
You Asked family members for support for your M in your exposure. Go to those that do support and see if they will get the message through to your WW that POSOM will never be welcome in the family. Do this respectfully.
Forget about MIL. Your not going to educate her either.

Don't waste time trying to figure out what makes an addict tick. As one myself I don't even understand myself the depths I sunk to.

How could you?

Only consequences of my actions snapped me out of it.


nESRE FWH/Recovered alcoholic

SW,
Nesre has hit the nail on the head!

I have posted some thoughts for you on my own thread if you care to read it.
CT
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2597613&#Post2597613

1. Find OM's parents - expose.
2. Plan Spring break trip
3. Start some home projects
4. Invite WW to dinner at house
5. Change the locks


If you haven't already, I would let the kids know that you ARE STILL fighting for the family. Let them know that you have a plan. Let them know what the plan is. Be specific.
Let them know you are following a program designed by a well-regarded man, Dr. Harley, who specializes in dealing with infidelity. Tell them right now you are in the first phase of the plan -- that includes exposing the affair and bringing the consequences down on WW, but also includes showing her that home is a safe and wonderful place to be. Use the "carrot and stick" ideas. Tell them this phase lasts for a specific time, and if mom isn't willing to end the affair, you go to the next phase which is cutting her out of your life and not meeting any of her needs.

I think they will naturally follow your lead. That way you are not manipulating or planting ideas in their heads.

CT, This is excellent information! Thank you!

Could you also post this on my thread, so it's all in one place. Both for my reference and anyone else that reads my thread now and in the future. People can also comment about it on my thread as it relates specifically to my sitch. Thanks!

Trying to be nice and keep WW in the loop. I just texted her: "<W>, good morning. Just an fyi, the kids and I are planning to go to <sister & BIL's> next weekend for DS and <sister's> birthdays.

She replied "Ok".

So I'm keeping her in the loop and being nice by saying good morning. In the past I would typically let her know a day or two in advance that the kids and I were doing something and she would get upset. So now I'm giving her more of a heads up. Trying to Plan A.

I've been reading a lot of posts by betrayed husbands. So, as a FWW (I can finally put the F in there!), I would like to share some thoughts with you.

I'm finding a lot of BH's are trying to "figure out" what their wives are thinking and feeling. That's not possible or even logical.

Here's a list of my opinions that might help the BH's on this thread:

-During the affair, your wife is not herself. She is a drug addict. She is literally high on these body chemicals: dopamine, testosterone, and oxytocin.

-A no contact letter is essential if you're going to repair. She must write one to the OM.

-Do not believe anything she says. Actions speak louder than words.

-She "thinks" this other creep is her soul mate but he is NOT! Again, think meth addict. She'll do whatever she can to get her fix.

-Follow through on any consequences that you demand.

-Guaranteed her POSOM is exactly that. Anyone who has an affair is also a liar. Your wife and her POS are feeling high because they're "in this together". Think: Mickey and Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers.

-Your wife has no idea who POSOM really is. He is what she has made him out to be.

-Make POSOM's life a living hell for him. Do whatever you can legally to drive him away from your wife.

-Stay confident. Take care of yourself.

- Remember that she is rewriting history. You two were in love at some point otherwise you would not have gotten married. Do not believe her when she begins to make your history out to be worse than it was.

-POSOM's are scared wimps. Do not allow fear to hold you back from keeping or getting your wife back. Guaranteed her POSOM will dump her upon realizing that he DOES have stuff to lose and she's not worth it.

-If POSOM is married, you must tell his wife. If he is single or divorced, you must expose him to anyone who has influence on him.

-POSOM is most likely planning an attack on your WW (not you). The attack may involve you but he's getting tired of being at the bottom of her list. Be sure to keep him there.

-Be sure your WW sees the effects her selfish acts are having on your children.

-Keep showing your WW that you have always and still do love her without allowing her to walk all over you.

-Read SAA........this is so advantageous in seeing the process of a WW who is "far gone" and acts on her high.

-Your situation is NOT UNIQUE! Your WW is not special to the POSOM. You can bust up the affair with proper exposure.

-Protect yourself in any way you can (a post nup during affair recovery).

-Most of all, realize her fix is her number one priority. The increase in all three chemicals is making her feel on top of the world. She "thinks" her feelings are real. She thinks she'll feel like this forever.

-Your WW will crash and burn at some point. It might take years but she'll come to realize what an addict she was. She'll consider herself lucky if she didn't lose everything.

I hope this helps some you BH's out there!
CT

CT,

In her Valentine's card to me, my W wrote:

"Don't think a single day goes by that I don't realize what I almost threw away. Thank you for allowing me to earn your forgiveness, fix what I have broken, and choosing to remain my husband. ILY..."

As you stated, there does come a point where the person realizes hosw lucky he/she is that the BS 'saved' them from complete and utter destruction.

Thanks for sharing.

Good move, SW! Keep it up. Oh, and I LOVE your idea to re-do the house. Your WW won't like that at all. She'll begin to imagine someone else living her life. Believe me when I say she HATES living in an apartment right now.

HFD,
My husband saved me just like you saved your wife! Your wife and I are very lucky!
CT

CT, I can't take credit for that, it was Melody's idea.

Also, I'll be honest in that I think WW spends a lot of time over at OM's house.

I know my real wife is buried down in there somewhere. Do I think she'd say this someday? I think she has the capacity, but....

I also have this gut instinct that she was thinking on Valentine's Day that it was the first time since we met that she didn't get anything from me. Yet I did give my DD something equivalent to what WW would have received.

Don't delude yourself. Now fix it.

Barf is right. Just let me tell you that my ex-friend who is now affairaged admitted to me that she missed her old house and how handy her husband was. Her POSOM that she married is not handy at all! AND she was living in a lake house with her POSOM/affairage at the time and STILL was unhappy.

So, your WW might be content for now but that won't last.