Hello,
Unfortunitly i just found out my wife of 5 years had an affair. It went on about a month. She finally confessed, and the person she was/is having the affair with also knows that I know. We have 2 young childeren together. I do love my wife even after something this terrible. I am doing all i can do to keep my family together at this point, hoping by god's grace we'll survive this mess. In my eyes, its not worth loosing everthing over. Now the super messy part. The indivdual she had the affair with is one of my family members, my stepfather's half brother (my uncle by marriage). Now, my stepfather which i love with all my heart and has been my father has no idea of this mess. I am trying to decide if I should tell him about the affair. Him and his brother are very close and he is also very close to my wife. This will hurt him very badly. My wife wants to confess to my stepfather so we can all move on but doesn't want to tell him the full story, wants to tell him they only crossed the line but never had sex. Let me back up a step, the guy she had an affair with is someone in the family that we have spent a lot of time with and almost every other weekedend we are around this individual. Now, my stepfather has to know something because now me and family can't be around this person. Do I tell my stepfather the entire truth and let him be devasted OR just engough to keep him from hurting and justify why we'll never be around his brother??? Thanks, any input on this crapy mess would be appreciated.

Lies don't prevent hurt - only the truth can do that.

I remember feeling like you do, wanting to 'protect' people from the truth when the truth is the best protection anyone can have.

If YOU - the person who was actually betrayed coped - then how can it be worse for anyone else to hear?

Your stepfather has been betrayed by his brother. He needs to know what is really happening to his family - just as you needed to know.

The FULL truth.

Jayy, sorry you find yourself in this position, but telling half and partial truths will only backfire. The truth always comes out sooner or later. Like indie said, your stepfather has been betrayed as well as you. He has every right to know what his half brother is capable of.

Jayy,

When the OM is in the family it is really tough, because you have a built triggers, this is especially true when nobody else knows. I think it makes sense for the family to know so they won't innocently invite you and OM to the same party, or ask why you don't get along anymore.

I say that because my BIL tried to have sex with my W when I was first dating her 30 years ago and to this day I can't stand being around him.

Had my BIL actually had sex with my W I don't think I could even tolerate my SIL if she didn't divorce him.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank y'all very much for the feedback. My wife and I, at the moment, are planning on working this out. However her attitude changes by the hour. She wants to continue having a relationship with my stepfather and i want her to aswell if all this works out. My 2 kids, his grand babies love him very much and if he is done with my wife than it just makes things complicated. I know the truth is the right thing tho. My stepfather and mother are going to be devasted by this, both were victims of infidelity. Just have no clue what is truely the best thing to do. I want things to be right, and to have closure so we can move on but don't want to tear family apart. Unfortunately, my wife and her buddy has told other family. That makes it more risky to not tell him the truth.

Again, my wife wants to tell the partial truth so we can justify never being around the POS. But not the entire truth so she doesn't hurt my dad as bad...this freaken sucks! Don't know what to do.

Jay, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

The best thing to do is tell everyone the full truth. Your stepfather and the rest of the family need to know that this man is not safe around their marriages. If you don't tell the full story, it will be hard enough for them to understand why you can never be around this family member again. It will be hard anyway, because you will be pressured to "act mature" "be forgiving" and other excuses to persuade you to sweep it all under the rug.

Don't spin the truth, Jay. It will not help anyone, most especially your wife. Sure, she will be embarrassed. But she should be embarrassed.

Jayy, read the last sentence on your previous post. The cat's already out of the bag. Now you're in a race see who tells what the fastest.

Like I said, you approach this by telling partial truths, it's gonna come back to bite you in the keister. Lies are vicious little creatures that never just fade away or ride off into the sunset. Nah, they like to lurk around in the shadows and gutters of your world and then strike when you are least prepared for it.

And hoo boy do they strike hard!

The solution to infidelity is honesty, not more lies. Lying about it helps no one. Telling the truth is the first step towards redemption.

Jayy,

Your WW chose to have an affair, what she cannot choose is the consequences of her affair which you should not shield her from.

There is always a desire to sweep an affair under the rug, but doing so just sets her up for another affair, or a revival of this one.

God Bless
Gamma

Q: Who to Tell??

A1: Everybody who has influence on your WW; everyone who has any moral grounding that knows your WW; everyone to whom your WW might turn to for comfort, support, and advice. ALL of her family. ALL of your family. Her coworkers, her clergy.

A2: All of the same categories of folks for the POSOM.

Properly organized, you can probably have all this done by Friday. And THEN the work begins...

There must be NC, 100% NC.

The truth must be told, not half truth. Only with the full truth can there be NC.

Without NC there never will be recovery.

the only people who benefit from not telling the whole truth is your ws and her op. you, the bs, will only continue to pay for their untruths, and having to tend their lies will lb you constantly. it will prevent you from being able to rebuild your relationship. do you want to recover your marriage?

melody is right: tell the whole truth, the first time around, period. it's not just the best thing, it's the right thing.

Thanks for all the replys. I know the right thing to do is tell him. Again, my parents (step-dad & mom) were both victims of infidility. I just have no clue how he will react. The main goal is to keep my wife and family intact, not throw jabs or intentionally hurt anyone just because i am hurt. But i know its the right thing to do and to go along with the lie creates a burden that i would have to carry that i DO NOT deserve. Because months, or years down the road..it will resurface. If we tell the truth, now and upfront we can start rebuilding with a clear conscience..this is just so tuff!

I wish it would have been some Joe Blow and not in my dang family. My W argues with me, that he doesn't need to know the truth because it is not his business and he only needs to know enough to justify why we wont be around the individual..i am just not at peace with that lie. He can't hurt me than me..i am surviving he will to...sick of worrying about this mess and just want to move on with life with my wife and kids..

Jay, he will be hurt, but it won't be because you told him, it will be because of the affair. Not telling him will hurt him worse when he eventually finds out another way.

Your WW (still wayward-thinking) cannot heal properly until SHE makes amends to those she betrayed. She betrayed the entire family.
Stopping the affair is not enough.
She must confess/apologize and make amends.

If she refuses, you know she is ready & willing to continue her betrayal to the family.

This is certainly one of the conditions you should require to continue in the marriage.

Do not do this halfassed.

Tell WW something like this ..........

"WW. I know you cannot properly heal from this affront to the family until you make amends. I will go with you while you confess and apologize to the entire family. I will support you doing the right thing. If you fail to do this, I will tell them myself, and the marriage is over. That is your choice. You have 30 minutes to decide."

Look at your watch. Leave the room. Call the family and tell them you will be arriving shortly.

In 30 minutes, get in the car and drive to complete exposure to the family (with or without her).

My husband made amends to my family.
Their relationship with my H got BETTER after his confession/apology.
My family started to respect and admire him, over time.

Exactly. It is only tough while it is a burden. The minute you tell your family the secretiveness will cease.




Pep is spot on as usual. It is her choice. She can decide to take her mistakes on the chin truthfully or to hide and cower using deception. Her choice will speak volumes.

But your choice must be truth.

Lead the way, Jay.

Amen to this great advice. Your wife does not redeem herself by lying to your family. Redemption comes from telling the truth and making amends. Her affair is their business too, so they have a right to know everything. Her affects them ALL.