Hi MB Fam,
I'm not new here, just returning after a break. I need some feedback on my situation: DH and I have been married just 3 years, and as much as I've tried to accommodate and adjust, some days I still feel like I'm living a lie. While most of our time has been satisfying, sometimes I wonder if that's only because I have suppressed who I once was and what I truly need. We're mid/late 30ish and DH is a pastor of 7 years or so. (Which has been a huge detriment to our marriage...I went so far as to call in to Dr. Harley's radio show last year about the effect DH's church and pastoral role have on our marriage.) DH preaches in a small-town, painfully traditional church within a denom. that has some very ungodly and money-hungry practices, I might add. I'm not a member there, but I attend with him and work alongside him to support his role, playing piano some Sundays. Here's the deal: First of all, we came from different "sides of the tracks." We knew that before we married and we were both OK with it. Except now we see how regularly we frustrate one another because our values are EXTREMELY different in some areas. I have no bio kids and he has a 15 y-o son from previous marriage. I moved from the city I was in, sold my house, left my church (very progressive church, different denom.), left better work opportunities, friends, etc. to move to his town...a moderate-sized place but very much with a country mentality where many people don't want much out of life. Even though I'd grown up nearby in an even smaller town, I'd spent 20+ years acclimated to city life. I guess I just REALLY underestimated the toll it would take on me to assimilate myself into his and SS's world.

Fast forward 3 years and I can't stand being in a church that I wouldn't be at if he weren't the pastor. I don't like stepparenting very much (and DH is the custodial parent), even though SS is a great kid for the most part. I DO love my son and try to do all I can to help him, but what detracts from the relation I could have with SS is that home life for me is very much like living under surveillance all the time. Kids are usually more fiercely loyal to their mothers (I know from experience as a child of divorce), and I know he rats out all the details of our household to his mom. Meaning DH have to keep a lot of things to ourselves and that's backfiring, because when we're closed off...well, that teaches SS to be closed off too. I can't stand still being stuck in the house that DH shared with his EW. SHEESH, I wish I had known the potential for such huge emotional turmoil over what seems like it should be no big deal. It's like living in an psychologically haunted house! To add to all that, his EW is probably more than $20K in arrears with child support...but oh wait, NO, actually she isn't since DH wrote a letter several years ago to CS enforcement (prior to our marriage) asking them to let deadbeat EW off the hook since she was mealy-mouthing that she could not pay. (Yet would get on Myspace and FB and brag about the parties she throws/attends and going to strip clubs, etc.) Well, he's one that avoids confrontation at all costs, so he chose to embitter me rather than her. But I had to let it all go before it ate me up. Or so I thought I let it go. I realize now that it still angers me to some degree.

Anyway, I wrote a letter to DH to this affect, and I was honest with him - sharing much of what I've written here, and other stuff. I asked him to pray for me because I was kinda confused. About what I wanted and where we are. I admitted that I probably did us both a disservice by coming all the way over to his "side" in the marriage. I gave up practically everything, and he and his son are basically still enjoying all the same environment and comforts they always knew...with, of course, the addition of me to the mix, and I don't want to make it sound like that adjustment was/is a trivial one. I applaud SS all the time for how well he's handled the adjustments, given all he's been through. (He still has abandonment issues from his mom walking out on them when was young.) I went so far as to make a list of 5 things that would need to happen for me to regain any sense of purpose and fulfillment in our marriage. One of which was counseling, another was coming out of the dead church I've been "dragged" into. So he brings up the letter after reading it, but what always strikes me as odd as that DH RARELY helps me to address the issues I present to him. He was like "pray for me too because I'm struggling." OK, I GET that, and I always pray for and with him. He says he's struggling with guidance for his family. But he says nothing about the counseling (which I already know he's dead set against...what is it with men and their refusal to give counseling a chance?!?!) As it usually goes when I voice my honest feelings, he turns things towards how HE too needs help and NEVER helps to address what I'm presenting. Yes, I understand that we're both struggling, but why can't he pick his own time and opportunity to present his issues and not always take my issues as an opportunity to deflect to his own and ignore mine. (Though he's actually getting better about communicating on his own after I recently let him know that his silent anger and refusal to communicate might soon be the death knell of our marriage.)

We've been around and around in circles for 3 years or more about some of the same issues. But as soon as I quit "itching" about stuff, it falls by the way side, and he assumes we're "fine." Well, the truth is we're NOT fine. I am VERY unhappy some days. And I don't wanna feel like I'm just here because he's paying the bills. I've always been independent and paid my own way. But this is getting to be a bit much. I put in WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than I feel like I get back. And in case you're wondering, I am NOT sitting around all day twiddling my thumbs...in addition to job hunting and bringing in money where I can by substitute teaching or doing childcare, I am his personal secretary, his youth musician and fill-in musician for the regular pianist who never comes to service on time, I go through great lengths to find extra work for SS to help him in subjects he's having trouble with, I was the one - until I had to disengage - being the liaison between SS's school and home. I do all the home improvements in our home - painting, decorating...and believe me, DH's house was a mess when I got here. And then I have to try to fit in time to visit/check on my aging/ailing parents and MIL. Let's just say I MORE than "earn my keep." But DH seems to live by the mindset that problems will somehow work themselves out...that our marriage will maintain itself without our deliberate attention to it. HA! I just feel tee-totally out of place. Like I'm the only conscientious soul in this whole equation - though yes, I have my own issues that I've been working on. (Not trying to sound saintly here.) But DH is very much a head-in-the-sand kind of guy, and the extra load is getting more heavy that I want to bear!!!!!

There's something that Billy Graham said to an interviewer that really stuck with me. He was asked about how he and his wife stayed married for all these years. Graham replied that "We are happily incompatible!" That TOTALLY sums up me and DH, though some days it's more like "unhappily incompatible." Please pray for me.

Sorry for rambling on so long. Any advice?

Hi MM, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you please cut that back to about 3 paragraphs? That is way more information than we need to get your situation and most people don't have the time to read such a long post. You will get ALOT more help if you keep it short and sweet!

Have you made yourself familiar with marriage builders concepts? You have been living as a renter since you entered your marriage, making many sacrifices, and your husband has been living very independently. I'd recommend reading Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, with your husband, so you can both see what you're doing that contributes to the stressors in your marriage.

If he's not willing to go to counseling, would he be willing to do marriage builders either through the home study course or with just the books/workbook? Would HE be willing to call into the radio program?

Melody...you're right, thanks. It's definitely out of control. I get carried away. :-( Lemme knock out a couple of tasks and then I'll stick my head back in here and chop this up. Sorry.

Jennifer...I'm familiar with most of the concepts, not all. I have a few of Dr. Harley's books though I haven't read them all in entirety.

Part of the original post that I trimmed out:
...Don't misunderstand though. Despite my rants and dissatisfactions, I'm very grateful for my husband and family. I let him know that regularly. I know he too is frustrated because it's taking me a while to find work. (Despite the fact that his FT job and pastor salary is enough to carry our family - though it's tight sometimes.) I do occasional pick-up work and temporary assignments, so I'm no lazy slouch or anything. I try to keep a clean house and make sure I'm keeping my attitude in check (usually) so as not to burden him any more than he is. He works very hard on his FT job (often w/OT) and this leaves little time for family or ministry study. I try to help out with SS, but because I'm from a more structured background, many of my suggestions are met with resistance. My SS was sooooo NOT accustomed to anyone holding him accountable before I came along. DH and my MIL had a longstanding culture of letting SS get away with anything (this confirmed by several of DH's relatives). But when it's necessary, I will put him in check, yet when I say something to correct OBVIOUS misdeeds, both SS and DH get an attitude. They won't usually say anything...I just get the passive-aggressive silent treatment where they both seem to be pouting. DH has obviously been doing many years of "guilt parenting." I'm actually at a point of disengaging to some degree because everything I do is utterly miscontrued. SS started out liking me a lot, and he still does, but as with many SKs, their enthusiasm wanes when they realize you're there to stay. I'm at a point where I don't even want kids of my own any more (and this is coming from someone who has ALWAYS adored kids and helped raised everybody else's.) Dealing with my teen SS and lots of teen nieces and nephews has turned me off from the whole notion. But here again, I think I'm lying to myself. I think it may be that I just don't want kids with DH. And that thought REALLY depresses me. Furthermore, there isn't much time or energy for recreation in our family as DH is always either working at work, for church or is simply pooped from everything. I'm trying desperately to find work and have even considered returning to my city to work and just commute home on the weekends (2 hours away). But honestly, with all my other disatisfactions in our marriage, I think being away all week would be dangerous. Adventure is my middle name, and this marriage is quickly beginning to become an exercise in boredom and staledom! As I told DH, I'd rather have tight finances and our marriage still in tact than have much discretionary cash but my mind veering off concerning our marriage. (And believe me when I say it's veering off a lot lately, given that I'll be 40 this year. It's something about this age that REALLY make you start examining where you are in life!!!)

Hi MaryMaggy
I have kidna been in your shoes. It i difficult but it szound slike you and DH need to find some time a lone to get clsoer. Your SS is hard to deal wht but so are most step kids. As long as your DH holds your needs clsoerto him than the SS I say 80% of the time. Try and work wiht your Dh it is lonely out here.

Me...I married a widower with 3 kids and had 2 kids of my own. I loved the SK and my previous DH but he cheated on me and wanted me to deal with it. No i do not accept that as a normal marriage for a christian hubby. My DH was very quiet and became quieter after got married. I was not the woman for him I guess..my heart still hurts. Anyway I understand when the man is quiet and distant.I imagine being a preacher's wife is VERY hard. Your DH sounds distant but try and make him laugh and be closer to you. Is he your best buddy? Or still distant? That makes a difference in marriage. Does he show appreciation for you?

Sable Venus