This is my first post and I would greatly appreciate advice from anyone who can help me. Long story, Christmas Eve I suspected that my husband was communicating with a woman he worked with, on Christmas Day I questioned his attitude because he was miserable, he admitted he had been texting and calling this other woman, who is married also, she is almost 20 years his junior, he said she had been pestering him and telling him that she found him attractive and loved him, at this point he had known her for approximately 5 weeks, we had been together for 24 years and married for 22. I asked him if he loved her, he said no, I asked him if he loved me and he said he didn't know, I told him that if he didn't know if he wanted me I wanted him to leave, he did, our two children were devastated. He left telling me that he was going to stay at his sisters but instead he went to stay with the other womans brother, she left her family for a few hours to be with him. By 6th January he was texting me asking me to ring him, during the conversation he told me that he didn't want this and he asked if we could talk when he came to see the children on 8th Jan, I agreed. When he arrived he was very short with me, we argued and he left. Within 20 minutes he rang me and asked if he could come home. I asked for time to think about it and eventually agreed to try again, he rang the OW in front of me and ended the relationship, she kept texting and ringing him for a few days and caused a scene at work for him the following morning. Everything was fine for a couple of weeks, he was constantly telling me that he loved me, buying me gifts and showering me with attention. Then he worked one weekend toward the end of January and he changed, he stopped telling me that he loved me, ignored me and was miserable. I eventually told him that I could take no more, I was obviously second choice and I wanted him to leave, he refused at first but I insisted. I have since discovered that the day after I told him to leave he contacted the OW again, they continued to speak and text every day from that point. I ended up texting her telling her that I had asked him to leave, that he hadn't chosen to go. He left on 4th February and went to stay with his sister.
When he left the first time around he told me that he would sign our house over to me, that he didn't want to see me out of pocket. When he returned I told him that I still wanted this to happen as I feared this OW becoming pregnant. He eventually signed the final document yesterday and delivered it to me. I brought up the subject of a divorce and he got up and said I'm going, he refused to discuss this with me. I know that the relationship with the OW has ended but I also know that she is pregnant, she is not sure who is the father of the baby, I wanted to get the divorce rolling so that he was free when this baby arrives but he doesn't know that I know about the pregnancy, he knows that I suspect but not that I have proof. His OW is staying with her husband, why will he not discuss the divorce with me? He obviously doesn't want to be with me, I've been informed that he has declared undying love for this OW by a very trustworthy source do why not get this finalised.
I am attempting to keep my dignity during this time and I have refused to send him nasty text messages that I have been tempted to send. I have had no contact with him other than absolutely necessary like you have post or thank you for ringing your son on his birthday, it meant a lot to him so I am not making it difficult for him, I've even offered to help him when he finds his own place to live.
I am so confused.

What verifiable proof do you have about any of this?

OW lie about being pregnant all the time.

I have seen a text message from my husband to her, I know I shouldn't but I looked at his phone when he visited. He told her 'I'll stand by you our baby or not' This horrified me as he has refused to speak to our daughter because she got angry with him for not telephoning her but telephoning her brother.

That is not proof of pregnancy.

So, what do you want to do?

Sorry, I got on a rant there and forgot to put paragraphs. It all comes out in one go at the moment, I will try harder

Are you in Great Britain?

I don't know, I'm still desperately in love with him, he's never had an affair before even though there have been women who have tried, they used to scare him off. He walked out of his job 2 years ago and we drifted apart as I was losing respect for him, then he got this job in October and we started to make plans for this year, holidays, home improvements etc but this woman obviously stroked his ego.

I just want to understand why he won't talk to me, it's not like I'm begging him to come home or even being nasty with him when we speak.

24 years is such a long time to suddenly start hating each other.

Yes I am in Great Britain.

LINK to SAA in Bookstore

You need to read this book. (see above link)

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

We are here to assist you with implementing the MB plans should you choose to do so.

In general, we are very 'plan orientated'.

Plan A is a plan to make yourself as attractive as possible while killing the affair.

You can look at an outline of Plan A in my sig line .... the "carrot/stick" link.

My ideas of carrot/stick are no substitute for the REAL DEAL .... Get SAA (book) ASAP.

Meanwhile, study my link in my sig line & ask questions.

So far, your WH's affair is nothing special.

Sorry for your pain.

Here is a *** LINK *** to an informational thread to assist newcomers such as yourself.
Again, welcome.

Pepperband, I have already purchased and almost finished three different books on surviving the affair which I have found very helpful.

When we originally got back together he did not contact this woman via his phone but sadly they work at the same place, she was on nights at the time and he was on days so they met up at the beginning of their shifts. From what I can gather she would not leave him alone.

I can only assume that this woman enjoys playing games, she wanted him so badly that she destroyed a 24 year relationship and now that he is free she has lost interest. She is getting a lot of abuse at work from colleagues and this leads me to believe that she has done this type of thing before.

I am not contacting OH until I absolutely have to, I know that he has to get this OW out of his system before he can realise what the reality of it all is.

With regard to looking after myself, I suppose I should thank the OW as I have managed to lose a stone in weight since Christmas, another half a stone and I'm back to my old self, this has made me feel good about myself, I've also started to exercise again, I used to exercise every day until I had an accident 2 and half years ago where I seriously damaged my foot, I am now able to do my yoga and dance again which is also helping me. I also ensure that I look good whenever my OH comes to see the children but I don't flirt or try to ask 'why' I am all business during his visits, this is the old me coming back. I am regaining my confidence which at Christmas I thought I'd lost forever.

I believe that one day my OH will realise what he has lost, we were devoted to each other for 24 years, you can't just turn that off overnight, my thought though is I don't know how I will feel by the time he comes to realise this.

This woman is texting him due to the grief that she is getting at work and he is ignoring her now, the tables are turning, she is now the pathetic, needy woman that I almost became and I am now the strong, independant woman he has always known (until of course I enter our bedroom, this still hurts, seeing his side of the bed empty)

I know I'm not unattractive, I've had my fair share of admirers over the years so I know that my life isn't over just because he says he doesn't want me anymore. I just wish I understood why he won't discuss a divorce, I know men have a tendency to revert back to their caves but this is what he wants surely.

I am an organised woman, I needed to focus on sorting things out like the mortgage, which I started an application for on New Years Eve, now that this is done I think the divorce is the next step, I don't want our home to be classed as the marital home and until we divorce it will be, apparently the law states that he still has rights even though the mortgage is now in my name only. If this baby is his it would have rights upon OH's death and I don't want this. I'm not paying for and maintaining a home for some other woman's child to come along and claim.

Nice to see a fellow Brit! Welcome.

WWW, not only should you be looking at his phone, but you should be snooping much harder than you are. We recommend getting a VAR in place, a GPS to see his movements and spyware on computers and phones where possible. Do not beleive a single word he says. He will say he loves you one minute and hates you the next. He has no concept of truth right now.

You seem confsued about his strange behaviour and hers. They are quite typical of waywards, really. They have an addiction to the 'high' they get from the dopamine rush of the affair. Affairs are very dramatic - on, again - off again. This creates a high of constantly losing and loving each other and constantly loving and losing you.

He needs you (and does love you for the needs you meet) for this cycle to re-start so he will contniue to come home and lie to you - right before he reconnects with her and hates you again.

Have you read up on exposure? Do you know who to expose to on OW's side?

Addicts dont do well with exposure. The crack house doesnt do great business when all the well heeled and shocked friends are looking on.

Hi Indiegirl, thanks for the welcome.

I probably didn't make myself clear with regard to when OH came home, he rang OW and put his phone on loudspeaker so that I could hear then he told her that he needed me and his family, her reaction was total shock so she had no warning of this coming. This is the only time I have had him back, I'm also sure that he has had no contact via his mobile telephone during the time that he was back with me, she didn't have the number as he insisted on getting a new phone 2 days after he returned and due to his lack of technical expertise I had to set up the phone for him

This is how I am able to see conversations currently, that's all I'm prepared to admit.

With regard to exposure, I've informed his sister who has in turn told his mother, everyone at his place of work has found out, I've informed all mutual friends and also my own friends, I also rang OW brother and informed him why my OH was suddenly wishing to crash on his sofa at Christmas, he was in denial but soon accepted it and thought that his beloved sister and my OH would be eternally happy with little kids running around, how ignorant some people can be.

I have shouted about this affair from the rooftops, I've even told our son that his father in back in touch with OW since I asked him to leave again, he's been lying to our son and I didn't want him taken in by him. I wasn't nasty, I just explained that I had to ask him to leave as I had discovered that he was contacting this OW again (our son doesn't know I asked him to leave the day before he got back in touch with her)

With regard to the pregnancy, neither of my children will ever discover the truth if I have my way so I'm keeping a quiet as I can on that front, although I am sorely tempted to text OW and ask her when it's due, just so she knows I have her new mobile number as well as a great deal of other information.

No I understood. That is q typical. Many waywards do this.

An A should not end with contact in this way though, there should be an NC letter and then he should end all contact with her including changing his number and quitting his job. As long as there is even casual contact the A remains on. Alcoholics cannot work in bars



They know about the A I hope? Dr H is very clear on this.

As for the pregnancy you dont know if that is true any way. This is an extremely common lie, but she is prob trying to get pregnant.

In your exposure have you asked for support?

Both my children are fully aware of the affair, I've been totally honest with them, more than can be said for him.

On Christmas Day my daughter (almost 21) rang this woman and told her what she had done to the family, the OW responded with 'have a nice christmas babe' my son (15 years old two days ago) sent a rather abusive text to her when she wouldn't answer his call.

OW has just sent a text to OH, he's yet to respond, she informed me that she wasn't interested in him, he hasn't had any contact with her since 11th but this is the second text she has sent to him, lets see if he responds. I really should have been an investigator. I'm quite good at this.

You are right she could be trying to get pregnant but they are not actually able to see each other outside of work at the moment as he is staying at his sisters house and she doesn't condone his behaviour, I'm not stupid I know she'll take his side but she has two small children so she wouldn't allow him to carry on at her house.

Forgot to answer one of your questions, I have a great support network, I have several friends who are always here for me and I have the most amazing boss in the world who is just like a second mum to me. I've realised what a good group of people I have surrounding my life and I will never take them for granted again.

Sometimes Brits who are afraid of exposure come on here full of 'oh its a different culture' 'no one will care' when of course there isnt a country in the world that condones adultery and lying.

I see you are experiencing one of the best benefits of exposure, the support of your friends. I really needed it, sure you do too.

If you set up his phone for him, did you manage to get GPS on there? I doubt his sister will be able to police him very effectively if she has two little kids to run after.

Do you understand the carrot and stick of Plan A?

There is a link in Pep's signature - it is very relevant to the stage you are at.

No I haven't set up GPS I have something installed on his phone that means I get to see who calls him, who he calls, and I also get to read his text messages. It's brilliant, I know the places that he will go to so I don't need to see a GPS map of his whereabouts.

I do understand the carrot and stick principal which is why I'm staying quiet, let him wonder what I'm up to for a change. I've got the house signed over and maintenance arrived in my bank this morning so I have no need to contact him. When he can on 14th Feb to see our son for his birthday I played it cool, I was calm, I offered him a cuppa, I told him I'd sort some things out for him when he gets his own place but then I mentioned divorce and he got up and left. I probably shouldn't mention it for a while now.

Well it would appear that his normally affectionate texts to her have ceased, he is still putting kisses on his texts but no comments like 'I want you' or 'take your time to decide' it all now seems quite cool, perhaps he is doing the carrot and stick routine for her?

I have to wonder if her husband is aware of the text conversations with my OH, I don't want to be the one to tell him but I sometimes think I should, either that or text her and threaten to tell him again.