Hi,

I'm newly married. I love my husband, but he is very demanding about my appearance. All my life people told me I'm very pretty and slim (my BMI is perfect), but not for my husband... All the time he suggests me I should be on diet, I should go to the gym, etc. He tells me straight that I'm fat. I'm trying my best - I'm all the time dieting, I exercise almost everyday, but I can't do more about it (I also study, work and have other things to do...). He is also not happy about the clothes I wear (it's always too tight or too loose, too short or too long). I'm a woman, I get very emotional every time he tells me this. I feel like he doesnt accept my appearance at all (only once I've heard that my face is nice - only till shoulders). I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know how to explain him that he hurts me. I tried once, but he told me that I know he'll be happy if I'll be slimmer, so why I don't want to do this. I was hurt many times in my past relationships and I don't want he'll leaves me if I won't do what he says.From few months all my life is only about diets and I get really tired of it... Do you have any advices?

My advice is to sit him down and ask him what his needs are concerning physical attractiveness. Take notes so you can review.

Ask him if you are able to review this for a couple of days.

Look at his list and find out what things you can control about his need and what things you cannot control.

For example, if he says to you.

I need my wife to have a 34DD chest, a 25 inch waist, and 30 inch thighs, will that be realistic?

If you are a 34B -- the only way you can become a DD is if you have surgery.

Depending on what he says ... I would go back to him and negotiate

i.e. Darling husband I understand you would like me to have a 34DD, but that isn't possible without surgery. I am not comfortable with surgery. Can I suggest this?

May I purchase some bras that take me up a cup to 34C and wear them for you? Do you need to look at a chest that is 34DD, or do you need to feel a chest that is 34DD?

Try and hone in on exactly what he needs from you.

The key is to find a solution that works for you both.

Please bring his feedback here and we can help you find negotiating solutions for him.

The above are only my examples ... I have no idea what your husband wants or needs.

Tough~

Thank you PrayIncessantly. My husband doesn't have any experience with women - I'm his first girlfriend, he didn't make any relationships before. Probably he thinks that all women look like a model in TV or posters. I know he wants me to loose the weight and shape my body (he says my belly is too big, btw. it's because I was a bit fat as a teeneger and later lost a lot of weight and these days also he tells me I should work out on my legs, because they are too fat and with cellulit)...Of course I can do these things and I'm trying my best (it's a bit more difficult for me, because there is tendency to be obese in my family). The thing is my husband tells me this all the time (approx. everyday). I told him that he doesn't need to to this,because I've heard once and I understood and I'm working on it. I don't live with my husband now (we will be after 2 months) and I get really upset that when we talk on Skype or phone, every time he mentions this...The other problem is that it's only 3 months we are married and he repreats that he doesnt see any improvment (btw. I lost 10 kg), he can't understand that it won't happen in a few weeks. Of course I tried to explain him - that I'm doing my best, that I don't have much time so it goes slowly, that it's harder for me to loose weight, etc. He said that it's only excuse and I'm not trying enough hard (I really do, that's why I'm tired of it)

Why did he marry you if he was unhappy with your appearance?

How long did you know your H before you got married? Did you actually live in the same city?

Like Melody asked, why did he marry you if he wanted "improvement"?

AGG

Was this some sort of arranged marriage or a marriage where you did not know each other beforehand very well?

We've known each other for 6 months before marriage. My husband told me this before marriage also. I love everything about him expect this one thing...I thought maybe he'll stop,but I see he continues...And he says the same about me - that he loves my personality and he accept my body, but he thinks it needs improvement. I took the advice and spoke with him today. He told me he is saying this only as a 'reminder' and why that often?because there is nothing interesting in his life, so he doesnt hv much to talk about (I told him it will be better if he'll talk about the weather . The conversation didnt finish well. I tried to explain him what the woman feels when the most important person in her life tells her something like this... He told me I knew he didnt know how to talk to woman and he doesnt understand them and he'll never learn... How should I talk to him so he will want to learn? Or what should I do (indirectly) that he doesnt repeat the same mistakes?

I find it very odd that you would marry someone who does such a poor job of meeting your needs. You obviously don't meet each others top needs in a meaningful way so why did you get married?

How did you fall in love with him if he can't talk to you?

My suggestion is to hold off having kids with this man until you find a way to deal with the issue of him criticizing your appearance/weight/clothes. You also need to deal with this:


Not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

AGG

Continue to work at meeting his emotional need for physical attractiveness as best as you can,

but combine that with an attempt to meet his other emotional needs.

How much time do you guys spend together? In order to be in love you need to spend fifteen hours a week together meeting the intimate emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. Are you doing that? When people are in love, they find each other more attractive (even when others do not! )

Certainly try to look your best for that time: give attention to how you dress, your makeup, hygeine, smiling, and whatever else your husband might find attractive. Weight is the biggest complaint most husbands AND wives have about each other's appearance, but it is not the only component of meeting this need.

If you are not getting fifteen hours a week together, then you have more problems than just this one complaint.

Please, don't get me wrong - I don't need advice if I did mistake or I should divorce him. I fell in love with him, because he is the best man in the world. Maybe what I wrote above doesnt sound good, but he is really loving&caring. The comments about my appearance is not the only thing he tells me, he also says I'm the best woman in the world and he loves me a lot and I can really see that - we know each other only few months and he did a lot for me. I know he'll be great father. Like I said - the appearance is not priority for him (this is why he married me), he just wants me to improve it. My problem is that I don't know how to explain him that he doesnt have to tell me this all the time and that these comments can hurt me or that not all women look like a model. We all are not perfect and even if he tells me something what hurts, it doesnt mean he is bad husband and I should leave him. These days, many people think about marriage this way - 'Ok, until everything is fine then we can be together, but when the problem will start- we'll divorce'. This is the reason why we hear about divorces more often than about happy marriage. I'm newly married and looking for advice for someone more experienced,so I can sort out this problem and be 100%happy with my husband

Sounds like you rally want to please him. While that can be worthwhile, it is not going to end up in a happy marriage. I agree w/ markos - you need time together, and, at the same time, he needs to be real and realize that there is only so much you can do - diet, exercise within reason are about it without genetic influences. I would seriously question where his eyes are, to me it doesn't sound like he values the 'wife of his youth'. I'd also let hime know that encouragement on your appearance, and even good comments help to spur a person to do good things in regard to taking care of themselves physically.

Thank you, this is a good advice. Like I said - I don't live with my husband now, we don't even live in the same country, but I'm moving to him very soon. I came back from his country 3 weeks ago. During my visit we spend few hours together everyday, so I tihnk it'll be more 15 in a week when I was there he mentioned something about my appearance maybe twice. Even if this problem will be sorted soon, I need advice, coz I'm sure there will be many different problems in the future- this is life. Like I said - my husband doesnt have experience with women and also he has got very 'strong' personality, so it's not the type of person easy to change. It doesn't mean I have to give up and I'll never do this

ML - Is this relevant?

The fact is she is married, and the number one goal is to help her meet her husband's emotional needs.

If Physical attraction is a high need for him, then we need to help her negotiate with him on how she can successfully meet his need.

I discussed this above. Yamina - please get his feedback and let us help you work a POJA out with him so it is a win/win for you both.

Read as much as you can on how Dr. Harley suggests negotiations in a marriage or the Policy of Joint Agreement.

Well yamina, realize that we can only go by what you post. So if you say the things above, I am not sure which is correct, since they both cannot be true. So you need to ponder that and let us know what the situation is.

Also,


I am certainly not saying that you should divorce him. It's just that your posts is suggesting some kind of an unusual (to me) marriage, either mail order bride, arranged marriage, I dunno, but it's not what I am used to seeing, so I am not clear on just how well you know this person. And since this board is littered with folks who married someone they did not know as well as they should/could have and then had kids and then ended up divorcing, I was just suggesting that you hold off on the kids part. Kids add stress, kids often add pounds to the mother, and kids make most issues appear more acute. So I am just suggesting that you wait on kids until you resolve these issues.

AGG

AGG - yeah, it's not clear what I said... It's hard to explain when someone doesnt know my husband. He wants me to look good (I think every husband wants his wife looks good, but not all of them say it out loud), but it doesn't mean that if I won't be perfect he will divorce me. He loves my personality, he loves the way I'm and as he says - this is more improtant for him than a bit of loose skin on my belly. The thing is he see this skin and he does comments about it what hurts me (coz women get very emotional about these things). I think it's like between men - if one guy tells his mate 'u look, a bit fat,go to the gym', probably the other guy won't get upset,but he'll go to the gym. My husband thinks it works the same with women. If he will keep telling me this, then I'll work on it. It's hard to explain him that women doesn't react this way. I'm trying, but he tells me he never understood women and that's it. This is why I'm looking for advices how to talk to him or how to behave indirect that he'l change his habits.

Yes, it is relevant to me because I am trying to understand this situation. Is that ok with you?

I'd start with the Basic Concepts on this website. I also would not try to behave "indirect", but rather create a foundation of Honesty by talking very directly with him about what is on your mind.

AGG