I wouldnt offer to help him kit out a new place. It looks like you are willing to be 'friends' and you are not - you are his wife. The fantasy divorce scenario where everyone becomes friends and no one is hurt is a favourite wayward fantasy which must be popped. Just keep telling him you are open to recovery,that a great marriage is possible but he must meet specific conditions (ignore any bleating about how he doenst want the marriage anyway).

I find his reaction to a D encouraging. He doesnt like consequences much does he! He is justifiably terrified he has messed up the best thing he ever had. I wouldnt mention a D unless he does though. Just talk about how he must prove himself in order to keep you in the marriage (NC with OW, poly etc). Talk about WHEN not 'if' he ends his A as though you are very sure he will do the right thing. If he gets scared and threatens divorce to keep you in line, just agree that he will end up divorced unless he makes the changes you need.

Do you know his top needs?

Your mention of a D has cooled his heels for a time. Waywards only indulge in the A fully when they feel secure of their BS's affections at home. They like the feeling of having 'two' women. That's why Plan B is sometimes successful at busting up an A.

He will prob try to win you back some then when he has you on the hook, he will return to winning her back.

They like the back and forth, the uncertainty, the drama. To sum up, they are crazy

I don't particularly want a divorce but I've asked him before to go to counselling with me and he refused, said there was no point. I definately think it's over with OW but she still likes to text him 'just to see how he is' I'm concerned that while she continues to do this he'll think that there is hope for them.

I'm still in love with my husband but when I've told him this he just goes cold again, it would seem that no matter what I do he doesn't really want me but then he doesn't want to let me go totally either.

I'm trying not to text him at the moment to make him wonder what I'm up to but it's hard. I told him when I asked him to leave the second time that I would not be second best and if he couldn't show me that he loved me he had to go. He got angry and told me that he wouldn't go but I believe that this was after she told him that she didn't want him.

He knows I love him but I can't beg him to try again, it just isn't my nature.

wwn. This is one very good reason to expose to OW BH. He will watch her like a hawk...as things are now OW BH has no idea that his M is danger and that he should be watching OW.

Do NOT warn OW or your own WH that you will expose. That would just give OW time to spin a story about how you are some crazy jealous wife.

OW: Honey, I have a colleague at work whose wife thinks there is something going on with her husband and me. Can you believe how psycho some women are? I hope she doesn't start to harass us.

It is also the right thing to do. He deserves to know what his WW is up to. Wouldn't you have liked for someone to let you know the truth about your life?

Do I do this as me though or do I create another persona and do it as a third party? I can only do this through Facebook sadly, but I could always create a dummy account and do it through that.

There would always be doubt in her mind about who had done it as she is getting so much grief at work at the moment about it all. Funnily enough it would seem my husband is getting none, this only leads me to believe that she has done this type of thing before.

Give him your name and number. Ask him to call you and you will share the proof you have with him. If you do it annom., he will not believe it.

ETA: Do not apologize for exposure. You are fighting for your M and OW BH desrves to know the truth about his own M and WW.

But then I cause another fight with my WH and he'll guess I have someway of seeing his phone.

Also this could possibly free her for my WH which I do not want to do.

WW, you should call the OW's husband or go to their home and tell him. He needs to know who you are so you can take full credit for the exposure. Give him all of your contact information so you can stay in touch with him.

Does the OW have a facebook page? If so, copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping and send them all messages telling them of the affair. All of her family should be notified of her affair. Please read the link in my signature for exposure letters and how to do this.

Additionally, I would send a formal letter to their human resources and a key company VP about the affair since this is a workplace affair. My thread in my signature will give you an example letter.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? It is different from other affair books.

Do not engage in a fight with your WH. Plan A.

Ask OW BH to be your ally in breaking this up. Exposure is crucial otherwise OW can continue to pursue your WH at will.

No, it will kill the affair.

I have to admit that this makes me a little nervous, I've wanted to do it for weeks now but now that I know she is staying with her husband (although still obviously keeping her options open) I'm concerned that I could force them together, remember my husband has declared his undying love for this woman.

wwn. Every BS comes here thinking that their own situation is unique. After reading here for some time, I am amazed at how the stories play out exactly the same.

You have gotten very good advice on how to KILL this A. I know it is scary. Don't try to second guess it. Expose OW. Affairs thrive on secrecy...kill the secrecy. This will give you the best shot.

They ARE together, though. You wouldn't be here speaking to us if they weren't. Affairs thrive on secrecy so by keeping it a secret only fuels the fantasy. The affair would be no fun if everyone knew about it. Most of here in saved marriages attribute it to exposure. You are making a strategic mistake by keeping it a secret. By keeping it secret, you ENABLE the OW to pursue your husband. Are you on her side?

Dr Harley, founder of Marriage Builders, is a clinical psychologist who has saved thousands of marriages using exposure, says this:


and

The longer you wait to expose, the more likely it is that he will leave you for the OW because they become more and more entrenched EVERY DAY. You are contributing to your demise by allowing this affair to go on when it could have been killed. Like Dr Harley says, "its hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler."

www, I hope you are reading the link in my signature. It could very well save your marriage.

I have read it and I do agree but I know what this will cause with my WH, he will wash his hands of me and the children, he threatened to disappear out of our lives before the New Year if we did anything to hurt his precious OW and it scares me. I don't want to push him away from the children or me.

I've got friends telling me to leave it and don't upset the apple cart for her because she is obviously staying with her husband but I know that she is still keeping my WH on a string just in case.

I also have to consider that his texts to her seemed to have cooled off greatly, what if he's already thinking he's made a mistake and I do this? It could put us back to square one.

Why else would anyone threaten to disown their children for a woman?

Take the drugs away from the APs using BHs help and instill some tough love.

i find it interesting you use the word 'precious' Around here we liken the personality change in a wayward to that of Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Take the ring away.



You need to see the fury of a WH upset at the A being killed, (which means its working) but you dont need to engage with it.

Just say 'I did this to save our M. Want a cuppa?' Refuse to get dragged in, even if you have to walk off.

As for OWs friends - their Ms are in jeopardy from her too.

Before trying my H, the OW had done this to a number of couples. I would have loved a heads up.

Let them make up their own minds but give them the truth to do that with.

And if you lose him he was already lost.

You don't actually agree, then.


Just about everybody who shows up here says the same as you, but people who have seen dozens or hundreds of marriages in the same crisis know what works and what doesn't.

Of course he will rant and rave and say that he was going to break it off, but now you've ruined it, etc., etc., etc. It's all bullcrap. After he calms down you will see if he will want to recover or not, because his feelings will change every day for awhile. One thing is guaranteed: as long as the affair goes on and he thinks he can have both, he will try to do that. Exposure is your chance to kill the affair so that he can sober up and think about it rationally, later on.

But we've already seperated, he'll just stop all contact with the kids, he's already ignoring me and our daughter because he thinks she has a temper (she does, she's just like her father) I'm not scared of my WH but I am scared of losing him altogether.

I'm going to go and give this some thought, I had considered a message to her mother in law, I just don't want to upset her child either but it is bound to happen if I tell her husband.