yamina, what is confusing is the REASONS you got married since it is clear that neither one of you meet the other's top emotional needs. You do not meet his need for physical appearance and he does not meet your need for conversation. So how did you fall in love? Are you in love?

And secondly, your husband SHOULD be telling when you don't meet his needs. If he feels you are overweight, then how else would you know unless he tells you? When he tells you these things, he is simply informing you that you are losing lovebank units so you can stop the erosion. It is the same with his ability to meet your need for conversation. While he says he may not be good at it, he can LEARN to be good at it.

Dr Harley teaches that complaints in marriage are a good thing, not a bad thing, so as long as your husband does it respectfully, you should welcome his complaints. Here is what Harley says about it:

here

Lyrach, the foundation of a successful, happy marriage is the desire to please your spouse. That is the whole point here. Dr Harley believes in committing to a lifetime of making the other person happy, versus a lifetime of staying married. Because the latter does not result in stable marriages, whereas the former does.

I was reading about changing the annoying habits. Worth to try, I'm just scared he might be angry that I'm trying to change him - as I'm upset when he tells me to change my weight...

yamina, if you welcome his complaints, and explain to him why you welcome them, he will be more receptive to your complaints. But he needs it explained to him in a way that makes sense. If it is just presented as a complaint with no rhyme or reason, he won't be receptive to it.

I would send him the newsletter I linked above about complaints in marriage. Explain to him that you WANT to be in love with him and that conversation [or whatever else you want] makes you feel more love for him.

You can also explain to him that it is GOOD that he told you about his problem with your weight, but that the way he presents it, is upsetting to you. Being honest is important.

Being scared of expressing yourself, and suppressing your needs, is not going to lead to a happy marriage. You need to tell him what is on your mind, and to know what is on his.

AGG

Thank you, ML. I'm thinking now that problem is not only in my husband,but (maybe even more) in me, because I react wrongly for what he says. I become very sensitive and instead of trying to understand him, I cry and make the big issue. He tells me about his needs and he is honest with me, really, it's seems like I do something wrong...

yamina, I know it is hard, but you can learn to welcome his complaints and view them as a good thing, instead of a bad thing. I had to learn to bite my tongue and say thank you. After a while, you really will appreciate them.

If you do that, I predict he will be more receptive to your complaints.

Did you read the newsletter I linked above?

Yes, I did..and it looks like my husband uses these advices (what is strange, because I know he's never seen this website) more than I do. I completely agree with you, ML, because it looks like the problem is in me. He doesnt do anything wrong- just inform me about his needs (he always says that it's ok now, but if I'll excercise more and my body will be shaped, he'll be happier) and as PI mentioned above, I should think how can I satisfy him or if I can't - I should know how to explain him that it's impossible. I think I get to emotional...

This is why you practice negotiation.

PI, as I wrote, he wants me to loose the weight and shape my belly and legs - to be honest, it is something I can do... Like I said, it's is a bit difficult because of genetic tendency in my family and also because I'm very busy - I work full time, I finish the master degree this year and also I have language lessons. I don't have much time to exercise (but I exercise every day), so he can't see effects. I tried to explain him this, but he says it's only excuse

yamina, you can lose weight by dieting. And if you want to shape up your legs and abs, then you can buy videos and work out at home. That should take you about 20 minutes a day.

I just lost 76 pounds and am now a size 4, how can I help you?

I had to dramatically cut my calories. I spent 21 days eating much less I successfully adopted a lifestyle to cut those calories, so if I couldn't exercise that day then I could still lose weight.

I love Crossfit for exercise
I love swimming for exercise
I love weight lifting for exercise.

I have a ton of kids and work full time.

Impressive I dont know what's wrong with me then - I don't eat much and exercise around 1h per day and yes, I lost weight, but my body doesnt look better at all. Probably that's why my husband says he can't see any improvement. I know I have a problem with this - I'm putting on weight very easily so I'm on diet many years and need extra diet to loose weight..

yamina, have you gone to a doctor to get your thyroid and your glucose levels checked? I had a horrendous problem with unexplained weight gain around 2 years ago. [after being a size 8 for 10 years]

I am on a very clean diet and work out several times a week. I socked on 30 extra pounds for no apparent reason. After running tons of blood tests, they discovered that my glucose levels were elevated so my body was not metabolizing glucose properly. I am now on medication and I have lost about 22 pounds of that weight gain.

So if you are eating right and exercising, I would get some blood work done. Hormones can have much more to do with weight than diet with some folks.

How many pounds overweight are you?

She stated in her earlier (first?) post though that she was not overweight, she was a normal weight but he had the idea of models etc. in his mind and wanted her to be like that.

I don't know, I understand partners have their preferences (I was 5'5 and 118lbs when I met my husband and maintain about 125ishlbs after babies, because I know that is what he likes), but it sounds like Yamina's husband never liked her body to begin with??? She's only been dating & married for a total of 9 months (6 months dating, 3 months married).

There is POJA/sharing preferences and then there are unrealistic standards, I wonder?

Or I'll rephrase that- maybe came into the marriage expecting her to change?

I agree with you, Alis. It sounds a bit weird to me.

I used to blame my thyroid - I have had Hashimoto's for 15 years and am now on Synthroid. It wasn't my thyroid -- it was my eating. Because I have a thyroid disease I do have to eat less calories than someone who doesn't.

I had to dramatically cut my calories ... it was the only way ... I can never overeat a day in my life. As I age I will have to continue reducing my calories. I am sure by the time I am 60 -- I will have to eat probably one meal a day.

I was on diet 10 years ago and I lost a lot. I was very slim but with age I put on weight again. Last 3 months I lost 20 pounds (to be honest, I didnt eat anything, I know some people say that on diet u hv too eat regulary, but even if I eat very healthy food, I put on weight quickly). I'm not overweight, I'm normal weight now, but I know I can loose a bit more(I want to loose another 18-20 pound so I'll be really slim and won't need to worry). I had all my blood tests done and everything is ok. Probably the problem is in genes - my grandmother was obese, my father is very obese too. Some people (probably my husband) being on my diet and exercising this much, can loose 6 pounds in a week.I'm loosing now around 2 pounds in 2 weeks.
I want to say thank you to all of you, coz I was taking with my husband a lot today and also used your advices (I tried to listen to his comments, but not be too emotional) and I think it works quite well for the first day. I asked him if he can say what he likes about me and he was talking and talking and talking (that's good sign). In the end he said he doesnt want me to get upset and think he doesn't love me or my body, coz he does I think the solution for me is 1. to try to work out a bit more about my body, 2. don't be too emotional and don't get upset easily. Is it correct?

It's amazing how different people lose weight different ways; it's not a cookie cutter prescription at all. For example, I lost 40 pounds in 4 months by INCREASING my calories but changing the macronutrient content. I gain weight when I eat too many carbohydrates. Of course now, even that is contingent upon my glucose levels.

Even so, yamina, are you even overweight? Did your husband tell you before he married you that he was dissatisfied with your body? This is very unusual.