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#2597941 02/17/12 06:53 AM
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Quick background: I had an affair two years ago. Told him right away about it but didn't tell him we had sex until this past July. We seemed to be moving past it and having a great marriage.
Then, I caught him in a 3 week affair. I nuclear exposed and it stopped. Now, he is SO angry with me - for my affair, for his resentment in having no say in how I handled the exposure. He doesn't understand that I did it to save us and from the affair from progressing further...they kissed twice and communicated all day long. He is angry I lied to him for so long and is resentful that he didnt' get any say in how his affair ended...said I didnt' know it would have gone sexual. Is angry I look at his phone, spy and drop by his office occasionally. It's been 4 weeks since dday. I don't know what to do. I think he is ready to walk out. HELP!

kstockett #2597982 02/17/12 09:11 AM
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There are alot of red flags here and in your other post on the Spy forum that tell me he is still very foggy. That could be because he works right next to the OW, so everytime he goes to work he is triggered. My take on this is that he is not done with this affair and won't be until he gets another job or gets transferred.

Anger over exposure is a sign of the FOG.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


kstockett #2598022 02/17/12 11:12 AM
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kstockett,

Was you affair ever exposed, or exposed to the same degree as you exposed your H's affair. Perhaps that is the source of your H's anger as he feels some injustice was done to him. He may also feel that kissing is some much less than sex.

I'm not saying he is right I'm just saying how I would have felt pre MB.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 02/17/12 11:22 AM.
Gamma #2598035 02/17/12 11:29 AM
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my affair was not exposed the way it should have been. Had someone exposed to OMW, our place of employment, families, it would have stopped right there and wouldn't have led on another couple months and culminated in sex - although I realize it was my 100% responsibility to end it myself!
That is WHY I did a nuclear exposure when my husband had his. It HAD to end. He feels he could have ended it his own way and he also feels he would have confessed. I, on the other hand, feel I saved him from a serious PA. He actually resents me for not including him on the decisions I made to expose to the people I did....
He does feel that kissing is less than sex and believe me I get that thrown in my face a lot.

Gamma #2598046 02/17/12 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Gamma
kstockett,

Was you affair ever exposed, or exposed to the same degree as you exposed your H's affair. Perhaps that is the source of your H's anger as he feels some injustice was done to him. He may also feel that kissing is some much less than sex.

I'm not saying he is right I'm just saying how I would have felt pre MB.

God Bless
Gamma


Affairs are not about justice.
Affairs can never be used to get justice,
whether as WS justifying having a PA,
because needs are not being met,
or a BS justifying having a RA to get justice.

Life is not fair,
one can not expect affairs to fair.

So if the WS learnt MB and knows how to and does a better exposure not the WS's fault the BS/now/WS got exposed out of the water.

As to the level of SF there is no way that will be equal. Because the WS was first to have an affair and got laid, relaid, parlayed, overlaid, underlaid, relayed, and delayed, and the BS turned WS went out and only got to 1st base well boo hoo.

Well what to you expect to happen when you show up to a gun fight with a knife?

There is no way to keep score when affairs are started.

Those that think scores can be kept then they must think because WW had an OC then BH should knock up their OW too.

kstockett #2598047 02/17/12 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by kstockett
my affair was not exposed the way it should have been. Had someone exposed to OMW, our place of employment, families, it would have stopped right there and wouldn't have led on another couple months and culminated in sex - although I realize it was my 100% responsibility to end it myself!
That is WHY I did a nuclear exposure when my husband had his. It HAD to end. He feels he could have ended it his own way and he also feels he would have confessed. I, on the other hand, feel I saved him from a serious PA. He actually resents me for not including him on the decisions I made to expose to the people I did....
He does feel that kissing is less than sex and believe me I get that thrown in my face a lot.


This just shows that your BH/WH is mad that you got the better of him in SF with your AP.

And BH/WH mad that you beat him on fighting his affair.

This shall pass with time when he realises that affairs and revenge affairs can never be about score keeping.

TheRoad #2598053 02/17/12 12:09 PM
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k, the thing that worries me here is that he has gone BACKWARDS. If when you first exposed and he had this attitude, I could understand it more.

To me this is a sign there has been contact, especially if you are concerned he is going to leave...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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How to Plan B Correctly
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TheRoad #2598054 02/17/12 12:12 PM
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I told him he may think differently in a year or two about my exposure of his affair...

yes, he's mad.. how to deal with his anger?

kstockett #2598055 02/17/12 12:16 PM
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I think now he's concerned I want to leave...
he did have the attitude when I first caught him but he did anything I asked so I wouldn't divorce him. Those were my stipulations.... he's mad he didn't get any choice in the decisions... And throws back at me that he consulted me BEFOREhand whenever he threatened OM of exposure to OMW. It's so messed up!

kstockett #2598060 02/17/12 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by kstockett
is resentful that he didnt' get any say in how his affair ended...said I didnt' know it would have gone sexual. Is angry I look at his phone, spy and drop by his office occasionally.

This sounds very much like someone who is still in contact or has had recent contact, k. Very very foggy...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2598065 02/17/12 12:35 PM
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so what do I do? I have the VAR - nothing... he knows I could spy on his phone. I have no access to work phone. doesn't email at home but could have a secret one at work, I suppose.

kstockett #2598066 02/17/12 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by kstockett
Those were my stipulations.... he's mad he didn't get any choice in the decisions...

The falling down drunk doesn't get a vote in how you choose to get the car keys away from him. That is ridiculous. He is very foggy, kstockett, and I suspect the reason is because a) they work side by side and he is triggered every day and b) he is still in contact.

There is no remorse here. Only bitterness that you busted him and put a stop to his affair. Something is very wrong and I think you have to tell him he needs to change jobs.

There are red flags all over this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


kstockett #2598067 02/17/12 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by kstockett
so what do I do? I have the VAR - nothing... he knows I could spy on his phone. I have no access to work phone. doesn't email at home but could have a secret one at work, I suppose.

It would be very easy for them to see each other at work. Heck, they practically work together. I would ask him to look for another job. I can tell they are still in contact.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2598068 02/17/12 12:40 PM
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Do you think they can continue working within 100 yards of each other without risk of the A reigniting? Do you believe that an affair is an addiction?

Do you not see how this could be connected to the problems you are having right now?

I am detecting some BS denial on your part, to be honest I was surprised that you never told us from the beginning that they were working so closely to each other....


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
kstockett #2598076 02/17/12 12:55 PM
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Kstockett,

From your timeline it appears that OMW does not know that it was a sexual affair?

God Bless
Gamma


kstockett #2598094 02/17/12 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by kstockett
Quick background: I had an affair two years ago. Told him right away about it but didn't tell him we had sex until this past July. We seemed to be moving past it and having a great marriage.
Then, I caught him in a 3 week affair. I nuclear exposed and it stopped. Now, he is SO angry with me - for my affair, for his resentment in having no say in how I handled the exposure. He doesn't understand that I did it to save us and from the affair from progressing further...they kissed twice and communicated all day long. He is angry I lied to him for so long and is resentful that he didnt' get any say in how his affair ended...said I didnt' know it would have gone sexual. Is angry I look at his phone, spy and drop by his office occasionally. It's been 4 weeks since dday. I don't know what to do. I think he is ready to walk out. HELP!


Well being BH/WH just learnt the extent of the PA this past July this news makes your affair 2 year old PA only 6 months old so BH is going to be very raw.

So BH/WH is newly hurt by your trickle truth. BWH mad because him feeling thank god OM didn't get to share what he had with you was a lie.

Possible OMW never got told the whole truth so you got away with less damage the your H. Making BWH mad because he lost on that score.

BWH took so long to close the deal he is mad that he never got to get even in the SF department. You beat him there as well. Which some day he (no one really can) will realise that you can never get even in that manner.

Has your OMW been told about your affair with her husband?

You had an affair.
In your BWH eyes you got more fun then he did.
You trickle truthed.
You affair killed your BWH's affair as a professional hit man taking out a target.

Your BWH has to be feeling as if he has been totally had his "boy's" taken away from him by his WW.

He's be punched between the eyes, knocked down, asking did anyone get the license plate number off that truck that just hit me. Having a RA was not the right thing to do. It was the wrong way for your BWH to man up.

So your BWH manned up and had his clock cleaned by you.

Last edited by TheRoad; 02/17/12 10:56 PM.
kstockett #2598100 02/17/12 02:11 PM
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Kstocket,

Since, if I remember correctly, you are much better than OW in many dimensions, your BH also feels that by the math of revenge ((hotness) X (amount of sex) X (types of sex)) = sexual level of affair. BH got much less than OM. I understand women for the most part do not make that calculation.

I say that because after OM2 I considered a revenge affair, but the women I could get were so much less beautiful than my W that it was a real downer. It was like getting my ego deflated twice.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma #2598110 02/17/12 02:38 PM
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OMW was told by me in July about an hour after I told my BH the truth....
no, not following you Gamma.
He says it was not a revenge affair. Was not looking for it but fell right in. I think his manhood was crushed by what I did and he wanted assurance he was attractive and viable to other women.
I just left work and had lunch with him. I said we have had trouble the past two days and sometimes that means contact has resumed. He swears it hasn't and said I'll do the polygraph again. He says he is just angry and sad about so many things....
yep he got his clock cleaned by me and maybe someday he'll thank me for it.

kstockett #2598228 02/17/12 11:04 PM
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Originally Posted by kstockett
OMW was told by me in July about an hour after I told my BH the truth....
no, not following you Gamma.
He says it was not a revenge affair. Was not looking for it but fell right in. I think his manhood was crushed by what I did and he wanted assurance he was attractive and viable to other women.
I just left work and had lunch with him. I said we have had trouble the past two days and sometimes that means contact has resumed. He swears it hasn't and said I'll do the polygraph again. He says he is just angry and sad about so many things....
yep he got his clock cleaned by me and maybe someday he'll thank me for it.


You got to clean BWH's clock multiple times.
You cleaned BWH clock with an affair with a level of SF that BWH's never obtained.
You set up the OM to clean BWH's clock.
You cleaned BWH's clock showing how to expose when you told OMW about your affair with her WH.
You cleaned BWH's clock when it came to ending his affair.

Out of all the clock cleaning only the last one can he thank you for.

Last edited by TheRoad; 02/17/12 11:06 PM.
Gamma #2598231 02/17/12 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Gamma
Kstocket,

Since, if I remember correctly, you are much better than OW in many dimensions, your BH also feels that by the math of revenge ((hotness) X (amount of sex) X (types of sex)) = sexual level of affair. BH got much less than OM. I understand women for the most part do not make that calculation.

I say that because after OM2 I considered a revenge affair, but the women I could get were so much less beautiful than my W that it was a real downer. It was like getting my ego deflated twice.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, I understand where your coming from that you could not affair up the way the OM did by having an affair with your WW. Shame kstocket can't see any of what happened to you or her BWH as being ego pummeling.

Multiple pummeling.

Not trying to paint kstocket as being bad, that her affair was worse, evil, bad, she has learnt MB very well.

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