How many times have we had newcomers come here and tell us their spouse is having a "mid life crisis" and is having an affair? I have never been able to figure out what "MLC" means, since that same behavior is exhibited by every wayward from age 20 to 70, but we sure hear it alot.

Dr Harley was told by a betrayed wife on the radio that her husband was in a "MLC" and Dr Harley told her she was in denial. He said, no, your husband is having an affair, he does not have a "mid life crisis."

He explained that many people attribute affairs to "mid life crisis" because they can't bear to face the truth, which is that their spouse has fallen in love with someone else. He called it a form of denial.

He explained that being in denial prevents one from making good decisions.

I think he covers it here - the whole show is in the archives on 2-15: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3610

In my Human Growth and Development class we discussed this and looked over studies. The fact is, the so-called "MLC" has happened in equal proportions at every age! Not only is it the same wayward behavior whether one is 20 or 70 - it occurs in the same percentages, across the board.

So, yes: even from a social science point of view, the MLC is a myth.

Great post!

What I have observed is that the people who believe in this mythology tend to use it as an excuse to do nothing. It is a conflict avoiders dream diagnosis! I have known of people on other boards whose spouse's affairs went on for YEARS with no interference because they called it a "mid life crisis." Talk about enabling! yikes! I view it as another form of denial and conflict avoidance.

Yep - enabling is the least of it. How about driving yourself insane?! The sad part is, as the BS enables, they usually deteriorate to the point of not being able to personally recover (much less recover the marriage) and the poor kids are stuck with one parent who's abandoned the family and another who doesn't function very well.

Denial is very sad!

IMO

The definition of 'mid life crisis' is ......

Or the opposite!

Sigh, well then I'm definitely in a MLC because I covered all four of those bases in my little rant last night.

I listened to her entire broadcast and it saddened me to know she did not EXPOSE to the fire department. "Hello City Lawsuit" For two years they have been carrying on without exposure ... she is still in denial he is in love with her

I really felt that woman because the military did the same thing - they let my WH and his wh0re live together while deployed. Can you believe that chit?????

Then the commander threw me under the bus when I exposed to the IG ... "WH you must protect yourself from your wife"

I wish I could sue the military!!!

Denial IS powerful.

Each of us wants to believe we have a special love that transcends all other loves.



Heck, a mid life crisis is a person realizing
that
they
were
betrayed by someone they love more than anyone else in the world.

THAT is a crisis! (if it happens in mid life, a mid life one!)

here's another link about midlife, but its actually VERY close to what waywards say: http://midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm

Agree. It is pure myth. The only dummies there are those who believe in "mid life crisis." It is the exact same behavior we see in 20 year olds and 70 year olds.

Yes. When someone is able to convince me that affairs only happen to people between the ages of 40-60 I'll believe they're caused by MLC. Until then, I'll believe what I've always believed: people of any age are susceptible to affairs. How they maintain their boundaries and protect their marriage is what determines whether or not they'll have an affair. Not the appearance of a couple of gray hairs in the bathroom sink.

It doesn't surprise me that waywards lean on that term as an explanation, or a "title" if you will. It's truly a crisis. At least at first. Affairs often are insidious.

That definition wears real thin however from "I can't believe I'm doing this" or "I don't even know why I'm doing this" (which is a crisis), to "I'm abandoning all of my moral fiber because I like what I'm doing and I don't care how it affects others" (that's no longer a crisis).

opt

I definitely got that the caller was in huge denial. It seemed she needed to give it a name and another reason to make herself feel better. She was in huge denial especially with the belief that her DH doesn't love the OP. If he didn't why else would he stay in a 2 year affair with her. Huge denial.

I'm a new poster here and haven't been following Dr. Harley for long. Before discovering Dr. Harley I remember coming across a lot of stuff about MLC's and affairs that recommended ignoring them and just letting it play out. That advice to people who's marriages are in jeopardy makes me cringe now. The people on those other boards dealing with affairs and so called MLC's weren't having much progress with their marriages. They were ignoring and excusing away the issues instead of actually fixing things. I really hope those people discover Dr. Harley.

It's frustrating to watch someone squander a perfectly good marriage only because they believe in some popular myth.

Friends of mine have talked about a book or two that they SWEAR could have be written by their supposedly MLC spouses. I can't think of the title of the book right now - but there's one in particular that's pretty popular. It was written by a minister who supposedly experienced the whole MLC deal.

All I could think was - yeah - that book could have been written by my husband while he was wayward too. It also could have been written by my first husband, who I divorced at 24 after discovering he was cheating. We were married only months (but had dated years) when he started exhibiting "MLC" behavior!

This is one of my personal soapboxes. MLC is a myth. I actually feel my eyes cross and begin to roll when I see it trotted out as a reason for bad behavior.

I have gotten in multiple cyber arguments about it- with people insisting that just because I don't "believe" in it, doesn't make it any less real.

Yeah. Well, I don't believe in the Easter Bunny , either, and I'm pretty sure he's fake.

Agree with every word! Well said!

I'm not so sure there's no such thing as some form of MLC. I think we all come to a time in our lives when we look at our current lives and and think about things we'd love to change. Maybe we see missed opportunities, decisions that didn't work out, poor choices, etc. and decide to try to change some aspect of our lives that we're not happy with.

An example may be someone who has focused on working and making money for so many years and finally realizes that it's time to start enjoying his/her family and friends a bit more. Or may he or she has pinched pennies all their life and finally decides to start spending some of that money on things he or she or their family may enjoy. I know someone who did that, and really started to enjoy life! It wasn't buying 'things' that made him happier, it was making things available to himself and his family that made their lives easier and less stressful. He termed it as his 'mid-life awakening', not crisis.

That being said, no amount of self-examination that leads to destructive changes - like cheating on your spouse - is acceptable. It's just another bad choice.

The link with the descriptive 'MLC for Dummies' should probably be named 'Waywardness for Dummies'. What's written there fit my WW perfectly. It's almost as if she had the document, and used it as a script! The behavior described there has nothing to do with 'mid-life' at all.

Linus

But Linus- how do you feel about the Easter Bunny?


I agree that people can take stock of their lives and make changes. I just don't believe it happens more frequently at midlife ( the research doesn't support that claim). Or that it has any psychological validity as a crisis.

I think healthy, sound people spend their lives making course corrections as they live and learn and grow.

It's not a crisis, and it's never an excuse for bad behavior.