I broke my silence and called my dear old dad. He is so angry. The awsome thing is he made me feel more like myself, not this quivering crying mess I've been. He somehow has put my self-worth back together and I feel like I'm through putting up with this. I think I'm ready to put out the ultimatum and I think I'm ready to face the consequences either way. I can't go on letting him run around cheating on me with the OW. I think it's time for him to decide. I realized today that I have lots of people who are out there for me and the fear of leaving is becoming less.<P>Don't get me wrong. My first choice is to work on rebuilding our marriage. But I absolutely have to know. I can't put up giving the man I love time to decide on MY FATE. I won't let him wallow in his own selfishness. He is going to decide, and after this weekend it won't be a "secret" anymore. I'm exposing his deed to the important people in my life including his parents. If this backs him into a corner, so be it. It feels good to be feisty again.<P>I'm also going away this weekend to my sisters's back home. I also intend to make contact with a great lawyer (she used to work for a law office) and make sure he can't screw me over and make me stay in this god-forsaken state of Michigan where I know no one (even tho it is beautiful and there isn't any place I'd rather live); I need to be with friends and family who love me and will help me.<P>Sounds like I'm jumping quickly into plan B. No I just got fed up, and even tho he's been very kind to me, I can't have my guts ripped out every torturous day wondering if they are together again. I'm worth more than that. My kids don't need to see their mother a crying mess anymore. I don't need to wonder what disease I may be getting passed on to me every time we (or should I say "I") make love, which still happens on occasion.<P>Of course, my session with Dr. Hadley is tomorrow morning and he may have better ideas for me. I feel alive again and not going to take it anymore! I'm still young enough to find a good job and maybe a good husband (altho the thought makes me nauseous right now). I haven't been eating, so I actually look pretty darn good. And on top of it all, my sister bought me 2 pairs of Victoria Secret silk pajamas today-I just got them in the mail. She is my guardian angel, and praise God for her. I feel strong. And I will NOT let him walk over me anymore.<P>Of course, this may only be today's rollercoaster. If anyone reads, thanks for reading my vent.

I'm reading and I like the sound of your renewed strength today!<P>You are right. You choose your path. You decide what's best for you and your children.<P>Best of luck to you.<P>Lori

You must do what you thing is right. Perspective helps us all see the scope and dimension of what we decide to do and where we decide to go.<P>Plan "B". A concept that differs for each person and couple that go through it.<P>Give you husband some perspective that as you both view the outcome he needs to understand he is a lucky man. He has had the opportunity to try to "Rebuild" and a wife that wanted to stay, "Hang-In" and fight to find the way back to your relationship.<P>Make sure he understands that you have been patient and been there to try and work on making it work.<P>My situation was much diffefent. I betrayed and our plan "A" started and we made slow progress and after 60 days I had slipped back and met with the OW only once.<P>That immediately caused Plan "B" to go into place and it lasted for only 7 days and the papers were filed...and the rest is history.<P>We had many problems, some of which included over 8 years of no sensual or sexual "Love Making"...and that was never an option during both our plan A & B. So make him aware...make him understand that his path to rebuilding will not last forever. And in his case, it has been an open path that many of us never got to realize.<P>I wish you hope and success in what you to find your way back to what is good for your and your spirit and happiness.<P>Take care...<P>mr r<P>

Hi HurtBad,<P>If you are REALLY ready for Plan B I wouldn't give any indication to S. Just do it! See if you get any positive feedback.<P>FYI, an untimatum only works if you stick by your guns. I couldn't.<P>Wishing us the Best.<P>Medic <P>

hello hb,<BR>talking to your dad sure did help you get back on track! I really like this father-he is just perfect isn't he!?!?!<BR>There are a lot of people who do love you and care deeply for you. Some of these people will bring out your greatest strengths. Hope your weekend is very peaceful. cl

You know what the tough part is? My H has been treating me so well. Very kindly. There just isn't the spark in his eyes anymore. So last night, as I sat in my new Victoria Secret pajamas my wonderful guardian angel sister bought me, I told him that I need to know what he's going to do with his new millenium, because this is becoming degrading to me as his wife to take back seat to anyone and I won't allow him to sit on the fence, and I won't go on with my life with him cheating on me. He insists he truly doesn't know what to do, which doesn't make me feel any better. I am truly going to require him to decide.<P>I can't allow him to make me stuck in a State where I know no one. Last night I had a medical emergency with my youngest son and it really hit home what my life will be like alone, and I know I can handle it. Letting them waffle back and forth is crap. I'm done. I'm going to get my legal advice this weekend. I'm not ready to file, I just need to know all the information possible to be ready either to reconcile and have a better marriage, or let him self-destruct if that's what he wants.<P>The sad thing is my boys, 4 and 7, have figured out what is happening. Be careful with your kids, especially when you are emotional and on the phone with someone! You don't think they are listening but they are curious little guys and want desperately to know why mommy's crying all the time. They do listen and hear and somewhat understand even tho you don't think they are paying attention.<P><BR>-- Kathy

Remain true to yourself, Kathy. You and your kids. <P>I'm with cl...I like your dad without even meeting him! <P>It never hurts to know your legal rights.<P>You've got a basic plan now, and you're feeling better about yourself. Hang in there. You're worth it!!

Kathy, <P>You have reached the point that takes many of us so long to get to. You are right in your thoughts. It is not that we want to go on without our spouse but that we CAN if we have to. <P>Don't settle for a man who doesn't know whether he wants you or not. You are not someone to settle for. You are a wonderful lady and your husband needs to see your value. <P>Don't give up on him. Give Plan B a chance to do its work if he choses that path.<P>I like your Dad. I like how he builds you up and lets you know what your worth is. I hope to be that kind of Dad to my kids too.<P>Be strong Kathy, we are at your side through this.<P>SHA

HB-<BR>I agree it is important to look at all of your options and fully understand them. Hold on to the strength you feel - you will need everything you can muster to carry you forward.<P>Just remember, you cannot make him decide - you cannot control whether he continues to cheat on you. You may think it is time for him to decide, but really, what you need to be sure of is "is it time for YOU-Hurt Bad to decide". You can only control your own decisions and your self-confidence and self-esteem ultimately have to come from your own actions. In your H's current state, it may be unlikely that he is able to come to any conclusions. This has been my experience when affairs go on after discovery. An ultimatum must truly be for YOU - not to force a change in H. Can truly say and believe that?<P>Stay strong,<BR>Starpony<BR>

I just talked to Dr. Harley. What a wonderful hour it was! I highly recommend anyone talking to him. I realize that the ultimatum is not where I want to go right now. I have discovered that I thought I was doing Plan A and really wasn't so I'm going to give that a better try now that I understand better.<P>However, a wonderful parent is the best medicine! My father is not a rich guy, not a real educated guy, he has a motorcycle and a motorhome, he enjoys simple things. But ALL HE HAS is there for me if I need help and nothing can replace that. I will hold on to the strength he gave me back. It is going to get me through whatever comes my way now, and my boys are going to learn what it means to be strong in character through their grandpa, if not thru their father.<P>God bless everyone!

Kathy,<P>Aren't fathers wonderful. Mine has been a comfort and a rock of stability as i've dealt with my W's infidelity over the last 9 months. <P>I applaud your attitude of self preservation. My own experience has taught me that there comes a time when we are powerless to influence decisions made by our S and must shift our thinking to ourselves. We must let them make their own decisions and live with the consequences that come their way. In my case i simply must preserve myself both physically and mentally for the sake of my children. I cannot allow my W to wreck my life to the point where she is the only one able to care for them. That's scary.<P>Go take a look in the mirror. The person you see is treasured by God, is a part of His plan, and has something positive to contribute to the world around her. <P>I wish you peace.

Hello Hurt,<P>Tell us, if you can, more about what you learned in your call with Dr Harley. <P>I'm very curous about how you perceived Plan A, vs what you got out of your call.<P>I'm thinking of moving to Plan B -- getting my W out of the house, and before I do that, maybe I havn't *really* been doing Plan A after all!<P>All the best,<P>Peter

Kathy-<P>Oh, I how understand! I live in Michigan, and came here because of my W. She has told me that she is head over heels in love with the OM. Oh, it hurt so much, and I don't understand. I know that there are things I could and should have done to make her happier - <P>I hope that it works for you. I am not giving any ultimatums either. It seems that that is common advice. I tried Plan A, but my W does not want to stop seeing the OM and tells me "I don't know what I want." On the advice of my therapist (who has heard of Dr. Harley) I am trying Plan B. It's very, very hard. Please tell me what you are doing! Does your H want to work on it? Is he willing to try Plan A? <P>I don't know if I understand Plan A enough myself. In my reading of Plan A, it seems to me that both parties must agree to it and negotiate for it. My W has no interest in cutting off the OM completely, and they work together. She has told me she would deeply resent me if she had to give up her job.<P>Right now, for my own sake, it seems Plan A is my only option! It's so hard, though. I am trying to be strong. Read my posts for more info (I have one called "I Forgot my shoes...") <P>I am glad to read that your session went well, and I hope to hear in the coming timeframe (days, weeks, months) that you and your H are working through this painful and emotional time.