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Yes, she is aware of the NC letter (e-mail). I gave her a copy.
I am offering to meet her needs. Have asked her to communicate those to me, but she has not thus far. Her only response is that she is angry and betrayed and doesn't know how to deal with those feelings.
Right now the only need that I am meeting is financial security for her and the kids, and being the best father I can under the circumstance. I pay all the bills and see my kids at least twice a week.
Yes, most communication is through text or email.
I will order the book. T2S Went back through your posts and maybe I missed it. 1. How long have you been M? 2. Is this first marriage for both of you? 3. Ages and sex of children? 4. You say you are seperated right now. Is she in the marital home or what is the living situation? nESRE
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T2S Don't know how much reading you have done on the site. These would be very good reading to help with the concepts here. When you understand these concepts then new ideas may develop. In your situation there may be possibilities even with your living situaion that may allow you to meet her needs that you have not previously seen. Basic Concepts http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.htmlLink to Lovebank Concept (LB$) http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.htmlThe Most Important Emotional Needs http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.htmlThe last one is a brief summary of the book HNHN's. Is your MC working with you 2 on conflict resolution or restoration of love? The MB's concepts comes from restoration of love first and then resolving conflict. The short of it is that when you have love for each other then conflicts are possible to solve. Not much happens when it is the other way around. Also if the conflicts can be resolved there may be no love in place and a lot of times couples still D. Hope you come back. For some reason I see hope for your M. Read all you can here and ask questions. Hope this helps. nESRE
Last edited by nesre; 02/17/12 11:39 AM.
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Married for 19 years.
First marriage for both of us.
14 yr old Daughter, 12 yr old Daughter.
She is in the maritial home and I am in a condo about two miles away. She has changed the locks on our home.
Me: WH 44
BW: 45
DD 14
DD 12
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I've read alot on this site and will continue to do so.
Right now the MC seems to be working with us (primarily her) on addressing her anger and resentment.
I agree that restoration of love is important. For me that is the key and I would bend over backwards to meet her EN's if I were to feel love from her. But unfortunately she does not appear to be in a position to offer love at this time nor does she want to spend any time with me.
Glad to hear you see hope. Honestly, I do not see much hope but have commmitted to trying for as long as possible.
Me: WH 44
BW: 45
DD 14
DD 12
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I've read alot on this site and will continue to do so.
Right now the MC seems to be working with us (primarily her) on addressing her anger and resentment.
Thats real useful. That could take years or never be resolved at this point with no action from you.
I agree that restoration of love is important. For me that is the key and I would bend over backwards to meet her EN's if I were to feel love from her. But unfortunately she does not appear to be in a position to offer love at this time nor does she want to spend any time with me.
The only way your going to turn this bus around is with actions over and over consistantly that build up the balance in the LB$. Thats why I would specifically concentrate on her needs. As the offender in this situation YOURS will have to go unmet. You will need to meet her needs with no expectations of anything-if she will let you. She will need to see this in action. Not just talk. Actions on her part are not going to happen by just waiting or mysteriously disapear with time. Eventually when the account zeros out-it closes.
Feelings always follow actions. In order to save this you will need to put forth the actions and then eventually-possibly HER feelings may change. It does not happen the other way around.
You may meet a certain need consistanly over time and believe it is having no affect but eventually if done consistantly she may allow you to meet another one.
This is no easy road. It takes time and consistancy. If she smells you are being fake or not consistant she may bolt.
This is why I asked you to have a very good understanding of the artilcles I linked. It is how it works.
By having thorough knowledge of the concepts you may be able to identify at least the top 3 needs SHE has and be able to work them into your limited relationship somehow at some point.
YOUR needs at this point mean nothing. You do this with zero expectations from her.
Really read those articles and ask questions.
Do your DD's know the whole truth of the situation? Have you made any type of ammends to them?
Not apology-Ammends. Big difference. Look it up in the dictionary.
Glad to hear you see hope. Honestly, I do not see much hope but have commmitted to trying for as long as possible. I would dump your counselor and spend the money on the Harley's. From what I have read from other posters they cut through the crap and get to restoring love so problems may become solveable----->With actions. nESRE
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trying, perhaps you don't know what to do? actually *do.* you must read the books, and one of the best things would be to make an appt with the harleys; they can direct you. yes, it's expensive. but i would beg, borrow, or steal the money to speak with them. having been through IC-MC myself, i can tell you it's an utter waste of time and possibly even detrimental to your M. (money right down the gurgler, but it's almost like gambling: "maybe if i keep going, something will happen!" waiting for that lightening to strike.) as a woman, i can tell you that often we are counselled by IC to leave the marriage ("do what's best for you" - as opposed to the marriage/family). someone who will help you recover the marriage is what you want. and telling your wife you want to do MC with a MB-based counselor also demonstrates your willingness.
just so i have it straight - will your wife speak with you? when you go to the house, what interactions do you have? what are you doing w/the kids (the good dad stuff).
my dh is ready for our planned UA time this afternoon (it's sat here) but i'll check back in later.
back to support systems. what family do you have around you? and did i miss it - have you exposed and asked for support?
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Dump traditional MC in favour of MB coaching center. You won't be disappointed.
Can you post your NCL?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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No, I don't know what to do. I have ordered "SAA", 2 copies, one for myself and one for my wife. I have asked her to come to this website but thus far I do not know if she has. The MC has so far been trying to keep us together. We have another appointment next Wednesday.
When I go to the house, she sends the kids outside. Over the past 4 months, I rarely if ever speak with her. We've had two MC sessions and those were very tense. I let her do alot of the talking, yelling actually. I try to do fun things with the kids. I have a good relationship with my 14 yr old, so so relationship with the 12 year old. No family around us; almost no support. She has several good friends that are advising her to leave the marriage.
Me: WH 44
BW: 45
DD 14
DD 12
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Me: WH 44
BW: 45
DD 14
DD 12
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Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Dump traditional MC in favour of MB coaching center. You won't be disappointed.
Can you post your NCL? I second this. Get fully on board with MB concepts. And please post the NCL.
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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My NCL:
xxxx,
I am seeking reconciliation with xxxxxx. This means we can no longer have any contact. I ask that you please respect this as I attempt to rebuild my marriage and get my family back.
xxxxx
Me: WH 44
BW: 45
DD 14
DD 12
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I would, but my wife does not seem to want to get on board with anything at this point.
Me: WH 44
BW: 45
DD 14
DD 12
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No, I don't know what to do.
Go back through all the posts to you and copy to a word document everything that was suggested to do. There are plenty of ideas already in your short time here.
I have ordered "SAA", 2 copies, one for myself and one for my wife.
I would also add His Needs/Her Needs to that reading list. You can find it cheap-used-online. Under 10 bucks.
I have asked her to come to this website but thus far I do not know if she has.
The MC has so far been trying to keep us together. We have another appointment next Wednesday.
When I go to the house, she sends the kids outside.
Over the past 4 months, I rarely if ever speak with her.
I take it this is by her choice. YES/NO?
Is conversation (Good coversation) one of her top needs? It is up to you to figure out at this point her top needs and meet them. If conversation is then when opportunity presents itself strike up a good conversation. No relationship or marriage talk. Have a good conversation about a safe topic. Even if its the weather for a start. After she realizes it is safe more deeper conversations may come with you.
If PA (physical attractiveness) is a high need of hers and your carrying around 25 extra pounds that always bugged her-loose it and get in shape. Stay clean shaven-hair cut regular. Smell good if you get the chance to be near her hopefully with a cologne she gave you and recognizes.
There are examples of ways you can meet her needs and show change in yourself. You have to know (make a list of what you think her top needs are) what her needs are and adjust - permanently change -to the situation. This has to be consistant and real though.
When you do these ACTIONS she will notice. These small ACTIONS may help to change her FEELINGS towards you......All depends on the status of her LB$ though.
Its up to you to figure out what makes her tick and use it (implement it) to the best of your ability
We've had two MC sessions and those were very tense. I let her do alot of the talking, yelling actually.
Waste of time and money.
I try to do fun things with the kids. I have a good relationship with my 14 yr old, so so relationship with the 12 year old.
You avoided my question about the DD's-Do they know the truth of the situation?
No family around us; almost no support. She has several good friends that are advising her to leave the marriage.
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Yes, her choice.
I have tried to have productive conversation with her. She has stated she is so angry that she cannot talk to nor look at me.
PA has not ever seemed to be a high need of hers. In fact, she is the one that has dropped about 30 pounds since this all began. During our marriage, I always maintained myself in excellent physical shape. She on the other hand gained alot of weight and our physical relationship declined substantially. Now she has lost alot of weight, I presume to prepare for her new life of a single woman.
Some time ago I asked her for a list of her top needs and she gave me a list that basically consisted of everything I did wrong associated with the affair. Honesty, not lying, etc.
Frustrated.
Me: WH 44
BW: 45
DD 14
DD 12
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Oh, and yes my children know the truth of the situation.
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Yes, her choice.
I have tried to have productive conversation with her. She has stated she is so angry that she cannot talk to nor look at me.
PA has not ever seemed to be a high need of hers. In fact, she is the one that has dropped about 30 pounds since this all began. During our marriage, I always maintained myself in excellent physical shape. She on the other hand gained alot of weight and our physical relationship declined substantially. Now she has lost alot of weight, I presume to prepare for her new life of a single woman.
Some time ago I asked her for a list of her top needs and she gave me a list that basically consisted of everything I did wrong associated with the affair. Honesty, not lying, etc.
Frustrated. I just used those two as examples. The idea is to find what will put deposits in her LoveBank. Even though she is not onboard you may want to call the Harley's yourself. By talking in real life to them about the situation they may have suggestions that may at least get the door open. I know it sounds like I have stock but IRL they may help to sort out what has happened and what to try next. I am certainly no expert on this subject. Get the books. Even if the M can't be salvaged they will help you personally. Let us know what is going on. nESRE
Last edited by nesre; 02/18/12 12:30 AM.
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Now she has lost alot of weight, I presume to prepare for her new life of a single woman. WOW...if this is the sort of conclusion you come to about why your BW has lost 30 lbs in 3 months, she has even more reason to stay far, far away from you. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I am not convinced that your NCL is adequate and your wife probably wasn't either...the example in SAA is much more powerful as it makes it clear to the OW the horrible anguish and damage you inflicted. Honestly if I were in your shoes I would send another through an attorney that lets your wife and the OW know you mean business...NC FOR LIFE.
Also, please do your wife the courtesy of having the same attorney draw up a post nuptial agreement that she gets EVERYTHING if you cheat again. She really needs just compensation along with extraordinary precautions, go the extra mile and see if her heart softens.
Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)
He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11
Recovering MB Online!
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Uhhh.... No, TTS, that is called, " the love of my life, who's supposed to always hold me above others just ripped out my heart,stomped on it & broke every ounce of trust I had in him & others" DIET!!!!
35 lbs for me in 3.5 weeks, & absolutely nothing to do with looking good, all to do with the complete inability to function at all for the first month after d-day.
Until you can truly try to understand & acknowledge the depth of pain she is in, she will remain at a standstill.
Just sayin....
Me: BW (49)
He: FWW (39)
DS13
DD10
D-Day 4-5-11
NC 4-5-11
D-Day #2 July 13
NC July 14
FWW Rehab: July 14-Aug 6 2011
Relapse sept 2012
Plan B: Nov 6, 2012
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