WG-

It sounds like ambiguity to me. Its a thing I feel at times, I have to admit.

"Life has dealt me this deck of cards. I'm here to stay for many good reasons however theres a giant meatball that will be hanging over both our heads forever here. Her best efforts to lessen the burden at times work great ,make me feel strong secure almost like a man again yet that damn meatball.

I guess this is what is."

With this comes a sense a ambiguity. I've felt this perhaps your h has had his ambiguous moments too.

You can confuse ambiguity with resentment.

Just my opinion as usual.

Makes sense...although (maybe this is just semantics and NG can weigh in on our grammatical choices! ), perhaps it is not so much ambiguity as ambivalence...meaning the choice between two options (divorce or a recovered M) is impossible b/c the person in question keeps changing his mind. Fence sitting. Caught between a rock and a hard place. He feels ambivalence, and as a result I perceive that his behavior is ambiguous (I cannot interpret his behavior nor what he wants from me).

MSS, I read your thread, and I see your struggles...yet there are also some very positive signs in your sitch - you come here to vent and get encouragement; you post to try to help others; and you are putting effort into working the MB program with your FWW - trying to meet her needs, spending UA time together, etc. When you stumble, you take the advice given, you recognize where you need extra work. You made the decision to fight for your M, when previously you were almost dead-set on marking time until the kids graduated HS. By allowing your FWW to meet your needs and working on building a romantic M, by rights, your resentment, or ambiguity, or whatever we want to name it, will fade.

Perhaps the point to this discussion is that feelings follow actions, and that in some situations, a M like mine - struggling to begin with but now broken beyond repair by my infidelity - there is little one spouse can do to motivate the other to act in conjunction with the MB program.

I don't understand this question. Can you frame it a different way? Harley's point is that if just compensation has been made [including restored romantic love], resentment fades. That has been my experience.

In almost every case of lingering resentment on the boards, just compensation has not been made and love has not been restored to the marriage. MOST marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they don't take the necessary steps to effect recovery. Even when they KNOW about the steps to recovery, most couples absolutely REFUSE to take these steps. And then they wonder why they feel resentment 3 years later or experience repeat affairs.

An interesting personal observation that proves Dr Harley's point. My last marriage ended due to my XH's affair. To this DAY, I have deep resentment about it. But I have not a SHRED of resentment about my current H's affair. Not a shred.

The difference is going through recovery. My current H made just compensation and we have a romantic marriage. No resentment.

WPG I have been thinking a lot about this question of yours ... You and I are the opposite side of the equation ... I am BS and you are WS ... yet our spouses are doing the same thing.

In my case my WH is still in contact with the wh0re ... that is what I believe is keeping him foggy. There is also a part of me that is wondering if he really is leaving me because of me and wants a new wife and new life. He did mention he was interested in dating new women ... I asked him "What do they have that I don't have?" He replied, "A clean slate"

This is what I am wondering is the same issue with your husband. He doesn't care how much you have improved he wants someone with a clean slate ... this boils down to the fact he is unwilling to forgive.

He is unwilling to take your just compensation ... he may need years to realize you are legitimate before he views your just compensation as final payment.

Understand this has nothing to do with you ... this has everything to do with him. That is something we cannot control or will ever fully understand.

Resentment takes a long time to digest and a long time to eliminate ... it is the ugly reality of being human.

Keep up your excellent work. With him back in the home ... you are making great progress!!!

IDK, Mel...I can tell you without a doubt that love has not been restored to our M. He shows no evidence of romantic love for me, and I've got a pretty depleted LB$ balance at this point myself. By Dr. H's logic, then, it would appear that I have not been successful in making JC to my H for my infidelity. If I was, and if my efforts to meet his ENs were hitting the mark, then by this time, he should be making efforts to fill my ENs.

I would think that you really have only 2 logical options - you either 1.) follow the MB plan for rebuilding your M or 2.) Divorce. Anything in-between is a disaster. I want #1, but broken seems stuck somewhere in between. I can understand why, I just wish I could find that miracle that would help him go one way or the other. More than anything I want him to be happy, even if it means happiness with someone else who can help him to heal what I took from him.

I can't remember, Mel - with your first H, did you immediately file for D - did you decide you didn't want recovery? Was it an immediate decision? Or did it come after him refusing to make JC at all or offering inadequate JC?



But the problem is, it does have everything to do w/me, because if I hadn't had an affair, he'd have nothing to forgive. I started this. Could we have fixed our M if we'd found MB years ago? Maybe. I'll never know. It's his right to choose not to forgive, or aside from that, his right to choose not to reconcile. He's home, but he told me he didn't want to come home. I guess I don't understand this wierd limbo we're in, if there is anything more I can do to save my M. Why would he move back home and restart the clock again (where we live the spouses have to be separated for a year prior to filing for D), why not just stay gone and file for D when the year is up? Get the D, and go find that woman with the "clean slate."

PS - Tough, I noticed when your sig line changed, and I am so sorry Wayturd refuses to correct his recto-cranial inversion. He is missing out on all the growth you have made, and it is most definitely his loss.

That is because your husband refused to participate, though. So of course recovery is not complete. Recovery can't happen when one person leaves the marriage. He left the marriage.

I think you are misunderstanding what Harley is saying. He is referring to a marriage where both parties have made a decision to stay in the marriage, not one that has broken up. Your husband chose to leave. Many people do decide to leave and it does not matter to them if the WS is willing or able to give just compensation. In those cases, recovery won't happen by choice. Recovery can't happen against someone's will. Your H chose not to recover the marriage so it wouldn't have mattered what you did.


He divorced me with no looking back. But then, I didn't try to get him back.

You are right. He's here in body, but emotionally he has left the marriage. I guess I just keep searching for something to engage him back into the M, since he is here in the house. Dr. H had predicted he'd be out of w/drawal by now, and I just can't help but think that the reason he's not is something I am doing or not doing. And it is the prerogative of the BS to decide go leave the M, as I made my decision as the WS 3 years ago.

bump