I want to say, I had an affair and also did try to lie my way out of it, but when I was had and crashed and burned, I did face the music. This is just revolting, and your husband has absolutely no moral fiber to speak of (this coming from someone who themselves compromised their morals says a lot). You need to drop the hammer. now.

Thanks for the replies, and the detailed timeline. I thought I ought to mention that the moneeypit stripper is a different woman than the OW2. She lives about two hours from here and from my husbands job, making a triangle on the map. She lives minutes from one of the places he went for two weeks in June, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out from the phone records where he was for those 13 days. She is well-to-do and travels, having never married, no kids. The stripper is unfortunately in town, and I don't have proof he hasn't seen her, but she's not getting any more money. She was needy and alot of her emails were about her being in a jam and needing money. Of course I needed money, and what he ga e her was not surplus cash butwhat his family needed.

I need to find out about var and other tracking methods. I will bring this to light if there is any sign that he's not keeping his word, and I guess most of you think that will be very soon. Someone mentioned earlier that if he has an android phone it would be easy. . . How? Thanks again.

This...

http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/eBlaster-Mobile-Android/index.asp

CC, it sounds to me like the stripper is OW3. Who gives so much money to a stripper (for nothing)?!

Can you check the modified timeline below and fill in the mising info? You might consider putting in an abbreviated form of the following in your signature

BS (you): how old?
WH: how old?
How many kids, how old?

2008: WH has affair with OW1 (discovered in Dec, 2011, after affairs with OW2 and OW3 were discovered.)

April 2011: WH started a job two hours away that had him traveling a lot (whole weeks and many nights)

Easter 2011: WH started affair with OW2.

May 2011: emails (discovered in Dec 2011) from WH to OW2

June 2011: lived with OW2 for 13 days while away on �business�

September 2011: CC discovered H was spending hundreds at a time at a stripclub. There is a stripper there with whom WH is emailing (discovered Dec, 2011). Stripper was having "financial difficulties": �he would withdraw 400-500 from the bank to GIVE to her, on top of the charges that he would rack up at the club.� Stripper is probably OW3.

Started MB �H became affectionate and nice�

Between Sept and Dec 2011: CC discovered more charges to the strip joint. CC gives him ultimatum, he promises but returns to strip club in the next months

Sept and Dec: CC developed a bad case of genital herpes. WH was also diagnosed. OW2 also has herpes.

Dec 10 2011: after family day out, WH stays the weekend with OW2

Dec 16 2011: CC discovers his gmail account left open on the home computer, finds emails from OW2 and OW3

Current: WH still home

Extraordinary Precautions in place:

� WH must drive home every day
� Expenditure is being monitored by CC
� CC monitors phone records, bank records, and receipts

OK, I think I understand your situation now. You have a serial cheating H who has a "special" relationship with OW3 (stripper) while carrying on an affair with OW2, and while being nice and loving to you. As MelodyLane would say, he is a major "playah"!

You can't trust a word he says. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if there are more (many more) OWs around.

So my questions are: are you sure you want to continue with him? Do you love him? Are you prepared for the gruelling work needed to bring your H to heel and to keep him home?

If you do want to continue the marriage, you should consider how strong you feel. You've been through a lot in the last 3 months, are you strong enough for another 6-12 months of turmoil?

If you are not strong enough, waiting for him to fool around again will grind you down further. If you are already tired, I would suggest you use the information you already have, expose his behaviour widely, and go into plan B. Thus:

1. Work out your legal options
2. Find an intermediary who will handle contacts with WH so that you no longer deal with or see him at all
3. Expose his affairs to everyone while plan Aing (flatter flatter admire admire)
4. When he goes nuts at the exposure and shows no sign of true remorse, write him a love letter stipulating what he must do to get back into the marriage and what he will have to keep doing for the rest of your lives. Change the locks (check whether this is legal first)
5. Go dark (no contact with him)

The point is to stop him having his biggest cake - that's you. You sound like you actually do meet most of his ENs, he's just a player who likes the excitement of hunting and "getting" other women (my father was like this, I know this type of thinking very well: admiration is definitely my father's top need too). WH may well come with cap in hand. If he does, you must not trust him. You know how convincingly he can lie. You must monitor and watch and call him back to heel at the slightest misdemeanour. You'll probably have to do this for many years.

If you can handle waiting for WH to fool around again, then I would monitor everything: phones, internet (install a key logger on his computer), VARs where he spends most of his private time (the car?), etc. There is a forum devoted to spying tools on MB, check it out.

Mirabelle is exactly right CC. Though you meet most of his needs he needs the excitement of the hunt and getting other women too.

The only way to make him choose - is to make him choose. And he may still choose the hunt over you, his biggest needs meeter.

The beauty of Plan B is that withou the majority of his needs met by you for the first time it will be in his interests to choose you and get them back. Though he may not. You offer a safe loving marriage but its his responsibiblty to choose it too.

If he does great, but if he does not Plan B offers you excellent healing and a divorce will hurt less.

it was probably me who mentioned android. it's not the putting on of spyware that's easy, it's being able to access his fb, email, and call logs from any device, as they'll all sync (you can make sure the sync is set on his cell). have you checked out the investigative thread or TWs link yet?

NB: KEEP A COPY OF EVERYTHING. save copy to your own device, AND print out a copy of everything and put them somewhere safe. should he get wise to you and try to delete stuff, you'll have backup proof.

BS (you): 41
WH: how old? 42
How many kids, how old? 3 daughters: 10, 9, 7.5

2008: WH has affair with OW1 (discovered in Dec, 2011, after affairs with OW2 and OW3 were discovered.)

April 2011: WH started a job two hours away that had him traveling a lot (whole weeks and many nights) At first he was at his job 2 hrs away for a week, and in another state for a week. There were 2-3 times that the travel was 2 weeks

Easter 2011: WH started affair with OW2. Exchange of personal info and desire to get together, which they did the Saturday, day before Mothers Day
May 20, 22: emails from both referring to intercourse
June 4-17 Job sends to OW2 hometown 13 days. Spent nights with her.
July 5th left for "work" went to OW2, spent day, night, next day (Atlanta Braves game) and was home after 9pm.
July 22 and 30, August 30: Spent the night with OW2
Aug. 10 Reservation to hotel sent to OW2. "I'll be there" replied
Aug. 29 photo of privates sent to OW2
Sept. 1-4 Attended motorcycle class. OW2 planned to also, but cancelled due to work schedule conflict.
Aug 30 - Sept 6: WH on a stripclub spree: daily visits, and thousands total spent.
September 6 2011: I discovered WH was spending hundreds at a time at a stripclub, going back in bank records as far as I looked. Always unexplained $300-600 atm withdrawals on/near above days.

Relationship was improving dramatically beginning after Sept 6. Started coming home earlier and most nights. Kind, thoughtful, affectionate. Worked on communication, needs, spending time together and spending money on me, kids, and house. We started being intimate much more often: from as seldom as possible, to as often as once or twice a day.

WH returned to stripclubs less frequently, bank records show 5 visits afterwards. Reassurances/promises repeated after reoccurances Sept, 3x Oct, Nov, (attempted Dec 2nd).

There is a stripper there with whom WH is emailing (discovered Dec, 2011). Stripper was having "financial difficulties": �he would withdraw 400-500 from the bank to GIVE to her, on top of the charges that he would rack up at the club.� In July 2011, WH bought a year membership to the zoo for Stripper and her son. Stripper is probably OW3.

Oct. 22 Genital Herpes outbreak began. Diagnosed Oct 28. WH also experiencing some symptoms, but not severe like mine. Blood test diagnosed herpes, which means he already had it at least a month or two, for it to show in a bloodtest. WH told me it was a lap-dance-gone-to-far without his pre-knowledge: something that "just happened." I didn't believe that, but later he told me that OW2 got tested and also was positive. She supposedly claims to not know she had it. I don't believe that either, based on the level of tortue I endured for about three weeks.

Affair with OW2 continued despite relationship improving with WH. He would go after work to her place, and drive back to work in the morning. I would be told he was staying in town where he works.
Sept. 11 Spent night with OW2
Sept. 22-25 "Vacation" with OW2
Oct. 3 After work. Spent the night and the next day until @5pm. Home at usual time for dinner.
Oct. 7-10: Yearly trip with brother to DC. I've never gotten to go, since this is brother bonding time. 24 calls to OW2 (1hr 15min total chattime)on trip.
Oct 12-13 total 30 calls between WH and OW2, and then:
Oct 14-17: Spent with OW2, drove to work, and returned to OW2 after work. Came home evening 17th.
Oct. 22: first symptoms of herpes began
Nov 2: Spent afternoon with OW2
Nov 17-19: Left for work early 17th, spent night, all 18th and 19th with OW2, until returned home around 9:30pm.
Nov. 29-30 Spent night with OW2, drove to work in am. Returned to OW2 after work, spent another night.
Dec 1: Left for work in am, but went to OW2. Spent day, night, went to work 2nd, and returned home in evening.
Dec. 5: Bought us a "toy" at one of those stores. We were intimate both mornings and nights whenever he was home (except during the outbreak time).
Dec. 9: Spent night with OW2
Dec. 10: Daughters and I went to WH's work Christmas party 2hrs away in am, and left around 3pm. He needed to stay in town to "get some stuff done" but went to see OW2, spent the night and returned to work in am on 11th. Returned home in evening.
Dec 12: spent night with OW2, returned to work in am.

Dec 16 2011: WH left gmail account open. Discovered affair with OW2 and identity of "needy" stripper. Emails between WH and OW2 leave no doubt about an affair. Needy emails from stripper and back and forth "scheduling" emails to ensure both see each other there.

Dec. 18 Confronted WH about infidelity. He talked on and on about strippers. Finally I asked if he's ever had an affair, and he offered up info of OW1, but not OW2 until I said her name. Admitted very reluctantly to affair with OW2.
Admitted to going to stripclubs since Feb 2010.

Agreed to end all contact with all strippers and OW2. He deleted all phone numbers and emails and texts from all. I had already saved a bunch of e-mails, but later wished I could have sifted through them more.

One series of texts back and forth (OW2-WH-OW2) on Jan. 4th. WH says OW2 tried to contact him, and he reminded her to not contact him, and she sends back sorry, won't do it again. Of course this is what he tells me. However there haven't been any more calls or texts from her numbers.

Searched house and his car and his "stuff" for evidence. I've gathered lots of receipts, as well as the bank statements and phone records for his cell phone. I don't however know who is behind every number, but there is very little frequency or duration to calls except to me, family, and several good guy friends.

However, he has a "good friend" who is young and female. They chatted on the phone earlier this month for just over 1hr. He doesn't understand the problem with having female friends. So they just keep depositing in each other's love banks, and if her relationship ever goes rocky, she might sign up to be the next OW.

On Feb. 14th (he got me a card), WH upgraded his phone from droid 2 to droid 4. Had gotten me a droid 3 several months ago, and it was bugging him that his was older. I located the old phone, but the sim card is missing. I can't find it. Wish I had gotten several pictures off the phone before he switched. There were a few early morning hag pictures of OW2. Plus some others I would have liked to include with my evidence, but not necessary if they are gone.

This weekend: Discovered a bag loaded with 4 white pillar candles used, 2 new candles, several bic lighters, a tiny camera video recorder, a digital camera, a jumbo pack of batteries, three neckties tied in knots, two packs of condoms: one empty, the other with 10 of 12 remaining, Two pink plastic tumbler glasses, and two empty bottles of Merlot, two corkscrew bottle openers, dishwashing soap, toothpaste, and a soap wrapped in plastic bag. Also there were two sets (4) Harbinger wristwrap gloves wadded up together. My only guess is that the footlong velcro strap meant to wrap around the wrist can be wrapped around a bedpost? Same thing with the ties.

Anyway, I went out to the car after he went to sleep Saturday night, and took pictures of all of it. Both the digital camera and video camera are "empty." Tried to access pictures from old cell phone, but it's missing it's sim card. Oh well.

Today, I discovered a bag in my trashcan outside. It was triple bagged, containing the ten condoms and the spent candles. He didn't know I found them, and doesn't know I know about them. I suspected the bag in the trash because I saw the pink plastic cups on a bathroom shelf this morning, and looked around for the rest of the stuff, and thought to check the trash. I think that's a good sign that he means it this time. I know that sounds utterly stupid, and I'm not jumping in the trust-wagon. I've thrown those cups out, and I'll throw out anything else that comes out of that bag, including those ties. I took pictures of all of it, so I'll be able to tell what is what.

This weekend: Found and confiscated a Platinum Club VIP card. This is for a strip club, that is close to where he works, 2hrs from home. He admitted to going there briefly Jan 30th. I wonder when he notices the card missing, if he'll ask me about it?

Extraordinary Precautions in place:

� WH must drive home every day
� Expenditure is being monitored by CC, although I don't know what he buys with large atm withdrawals .
� CC monitors phone records, bank records, and receipts. This too is imperfect, and well after-the-fact. I really want to get some kind of monitor device. Even a gps would be sufficient. I don't believe he's seeing anyone right now. I need to monitor him, for my own piece of mind.

CC,

So sorry for the pain you are in. I have to say, this is a very, very difficult situation. I would get current evidence to verify NC, but exposure should be done as soon as possible to everyone that you think has an influence over him.

Next I would plan B him after you get all your ducks in a row, an IM, financials untied to one another, see a lawyer about child support and see how quickly that process goes.

Your WH needs to jump through major hoops to keep you. Don't set the bar so low! Make it a condition of the plan B letter that he takes routine lie dectector tests. I would not just do one.

You dont't deserve to be treated this way, neither do your kids. Stand up for yourself and be a good example for them!

Hang in there,

ba

I completely agree with beginagain. He has to do a lot to regain your trust like routine polygraphs. Has he written the OW NC letters?

Has exposure been done to all?

I haven't done exposure. Since the goal of exposure is to force the affair into the light to end it, it wouldn't make sense to expose if he's not engaging in the affair any more, and is truly wanting to save the marriage. I have absolutely no proof that the affair is still going on. And I have some reason to think it's over.
I realize that we began a false recovery in September, when all I knew about was the stripclubs, and all the times he went to see OW2, and all the lies he told me to make those visits possible, during that time make no sense to me because we were getting on so well, and that part is something I cannot understand or move past.
However, maybe my discovery of the affair and OW2's identity, was enough to pop the bubble, so he could break it off completely, and not look back. Of course, if he sets foot in a stripclub, or there's any sign that he's seeing OW2 or anyone else for that matter, I'll talk with his mom and brother, and my brother, and maybe several of his guy friends who have good character, and would be a good influence on him.
Here's several reasons:
1) He cleaned out the "party bag" I mentioned finding and photographing in the last post. He doesn't know I know about it, because I found it while snooping in his trunk. The next day, I found the plastic tumblers stashed away on a shelf, and started looking around for the other stuff that might also make it into the house. Then I got the idea to check the garbage, since it was picked up that morning, and would have been empty, but I found a big black garbage bag, tied up and mostly empty. He had triple-bagged the used candles and the ten remaining condoms in a 12 pack, along with the empty packaging of a 3 pack and threw them in the curbside trashcan. He seems to want to get rid of it, and didn't want me to know, but because I already knew, it makes me feel better to see that he chose to toss them out.
2) I check the OW2's facebook page every so often, and just noticed her post from today "Sadie Hawkins Day T-7 days... hmmm" So, being the good little stalker I am, I had to look that one up, and apparently it's a day for women to ask out men. Doesn't seem like the kind of thing to post if you're in a love affair.
And
3) Her Valentines Day post was: "Happy Valentine's Day to EVERYONE! Great excuse to be your own Valentine and treat yourself to chocolate and champagne !" One doesn't have to be "your own Valentine" if you're in a relationship.

So, I might be grasping at straws, but I have to have some indication that we're not actually recovering at this point, and I will let the light shine at that point. I don't see what good it would do if he's making an honest attempt to turn it around.

I have thought of talking with my brother. He and I have grown apart so much over the years, and I think he could be level headed enough, maybe. But I hesitate to, because my best friend told me her husband wanted to punch my husband's face because of what he'd done to me, and I barely met the guy. They came to our daughter's birthday party a couple weeks ago. And if someone I don't know can have that kind of reaction, I'm nervous about how my family would react.

Oh, and the Snooping is it wrong article posted today is awesome. I'm going to print it out for my husband. Maybe he'll finally understand.

I don't know CC, sounds like you are setting yourself up for another false recovery. Take it from me, you don't want to keep doing this! It sounds like you are in a BH fog and looking at things to validate why everything is okay.

The opposite should be happening, he should be proving to you that he has changed. You need to put conditions into this recovery or he will fall back to his old ways.

I know you can do it, you have it in you, value yourself more than you do!


All the best,

ba

CC, you are doing nothing but rationalizing now. I understand your line of reasoning for your own comfort, and unwillingness to "rock the boat", but you are making a big mistake. This course of action will do nothing but lead to another false recovery. You can bet on it.

Why are you hiding your knowledge of all his affair candles, condoms, blah blah blah. Seems to me you are way more willing to sweep things under the rug than face the problems head on and repair your marriage properly. You can't fix this by pretending it's going go away on it's own. It won't, and then you'll be back here again trying to figure out...why?

You want to take the easy way out when there is no easy way out. It's that simple. It's time to strip your marriage bare of all the filth that's been accumulating, and redress it. Anything short of that is nothing more than a pipe dream. And eventually, a painful one.

good girl, cc, you've done a very good job collecting evidence. i can't imagine how hard that has been for you. i know that when i was doing it, i spent a lot of time praying to the porcelain god. keep your head up.

i'm very concerned, though. i know you love him, and he's the father of your children, and the thought of being alone w/small children is terrifying. i only had the one teen and i was terrified. but cc, i have to agree with TW - you are grasping at straws, hoping, praying that the least little things mean he's "being good." i don't see any evidence that he is remorseful for his despicable behaviour. and i don't really see you guys working the programme. i know you don't want to rock the boat, that there's probably a big, fat stone in your gut that says, "i can't do anything that will prompt him to leave me." but cc, i gotta say, it's very hard not to tell you to run, as far and fast as you can. but i'll keep popping in and seeing if you make progress. and now that you've got the purse strings loosened: please, please call the harleys.

You are setting yourself up for a false recovery.

Exposure is essential, particularly with a serial cheat. It makes him more accountable and honest. He should be owning up to his mistakes and apologising to his family. The way things stand the alchoholic still has the keys to the bar. And his addiction is still a secret so he can drink in total privacy!

I cannot believe that you think. His tossing out the bag is a good sign.

He is still hiding, lying and covering up. You should be insisting he is radically honest not applauding dishonesty.

I don't think you seriously grasp the nature of his addiction, CC.

Why don't you come back when he screws up again and you are ready to implement MB Plans.

I would love to save you from the pain of a false recovery - which is WORSE than the initial pain of an A - but you aren't interested in being saved.

hey cc! i also have been thru serial cheating massive lies and deception for well uuugh about the whole time... I knew nothing nothing, nothing about his activities he had a whole second life-which it sounds to me like your H does too.

I found out from an email sent to me by one of the bimbos (OW1)- today last year. 9pm upon H arrival home. I made him call his entire family on speaker phone, his son, our friends and the OW. i didnt know about exposure the MB way. Talk about wake up call on his part. There was no more lying, he was accountable for his actions.

I found MB 2 days later and provided H with all the reading material I could get my hands on ---So off we go onto recovery, la la la� I created a list of 20+ EP�s and told him if he ever break one he is out on his [censored]. No second chances. But what I didn�t know what the rest of the secrets that were lurking in the past that he had yet to confess. Well that dragged on for 2.5 months or so and then the final straw.

Pages 1-20 were my drama days, and I can see you on that same road CC. I can give you a comeback for each of the lines you write, but I won�t I think you can see that I know where you are coming from.

My suggestions:

You are worth much more than you are probably feeling right now and you are grasping at any positive sign that this will get better. But I have to say put your big girl pants on and expose his sorry [censored] to everyone; otherwise he will keep doing the same thing because you keep letting him. Stop making excuses for him. Like it was only strip clubs, only porn, only OW1, or there was 2, he thew bag out��..

You really need to stand up for yourself, expose, give him a list of EP�s and demand that he follow them, schedule a poly ( it took me 20 pages before I did- thanks to susieq- but 20 pages was over 2 months of time lost)

I don�t doubt that you are not going to hear more awful things and find out more crap, you probably will. You are playing poker with him, but he hasn�t dealt you all the cards, see, you will always loose like that.

You have the power to decide what you want, and you are not using that power.

And Do not tell him about this site or your snooping!!!

I will be following you. You can do this, if not to save you M but for you own well being. Promise!