You don't go anywhere. What is the house situation? Rental, yours, his?

Stop talking to him about the relationship and any plans of splitting up. Go about your business, be nice, be as accommodating as possible without being a doormat, and if he brings up anything about you moving out, let him know you have no intention of doing such and then change the subject. Talk about the news, ask his opinion on a story you heard, tell him something funny one of the kids said...

Oh ok. I was just thinking I needed to so,I could recognize his needs. But you are right just focus on LB.

fa, on another note, you mentioned above that you always apologize after you fight. That does not erase the damage done at all. Every time you fight with him, it erodes the love in your marriage more and more until there is nothing more than hatred. So don't fight at all. Just get out of that bad habit NOW.

From this day forward, no more fights. An apology will do nothing to overcome that damage.

I would say his main complaints about me are difficult to pinpoint because it is always something different and he contradicts himself all of the time. They are always during angry fits he says them. But usually to get to the point of his AO it is usually when I stand up for myself in front of the kids or he didn't get his way. Even though lately I just let him do what he wants a majority of the time. The breaking point the other night was when he asked what he should get when he stopped for dinner. I had suggested something but then he went down a list of things he didn't want. So I told him to just decide. He then went into some kind of discussion about me but I can't remember what it was. I tried to explain to him that whatever he was accusing me of was not what I had meant. He kept talking over me and being rude. I finally said to him to get his head out of his "hiney". He said that did it for him since the day before he said I had treated him so bad. That is another story. Another where he made a decision Which I reminded him that didn't turn out well the last time. Well the same situation occurred again and he was going around the house complaining and making threats about mymkid's pet. That upset them so I confronted him on it. " this was your choice I warned you so don't upset my kids just because you are mad at yourself ". He said that I acted like a "f'n beeyach" in front my kids. *sigh* so his main complaints are that I am mean to him.

I would stop being mean to him. The things you have said to him are pretty outrageous. I know I wouldn't tolerate my spouse speaking to me like that either. Your post is full of disrespectful treatment. Do you realize that?

Ok. I love this advice but he uses fighting to feel something because I try and leave when it starts or tell him that i discuss it when things are calm. He then accuses me of not communicating. I am not trying to make excuses but that is what happened the last time I tried to stop it. Then he would follow me from room to room. I wanted to just walk out but mymkids were asleep.
But you are solo correct and starting today I will fight.no.more. Promise.

Yes! I definitely realize that as I said in my first post. I am just trying to figure out how to get to a place where he will allow me to do it right. I don't like being ugly to him its not who I am but sometimes it comes out as a defense mechanism when he keeps coming at me and I feel the need to defend myself. Or even my children.

FA, you are making alot of mistakes and probably are not even aware of them. This is why it is critical that you get the books I recommended. You won't understand the issues if you don't get the books. And I would definitely start with the book Lovebusters. You are going to be very surprised when you read that book to see how you have contributed to the volatility of this situation.

I know he is lovebusting too, but it does take 2 people to fight. Don't fight and then the situation won't blow up.

Are you reading the links I am posting? You have to educate yourself about this program in order to learn the skills to turn this around. Check out lovebusters and most especially look at disrespectful judgements: lovebusters

Yeah, stop the fighting. Stop reminding of past mistakes. If there is a current mistake made, keep the conversation on IT. Nothing else, and if you are only talking to point out how dumb he is or how you expected him to screw up, STOP. Unless you are working toward a mutually agreed-upon resolution to a problem, it doesn't even need to be talked about.

With the situation in front of the kids, I have found it much better to ask, "Can I see you on the porch?" and then, once out there away from the kids, approach the problem as if there is a solution! Don't outright tell him what his problem is and how you warned him and what he needs to do now. Tell him, "I know you are upset but it hurts me and the children when you get loud about it. What can we do to make this situation better?" Offer some suggestions--hire a dog walker, make a chore chart for the kids that includes a special perk if all their chores are done, something effective with our kids is to bring them into the solution process; "This is becoming a problem for the household. What do you think should be done so it's not a problem anymore? What are each of you willing to do to help out?" When kids get to choose their own level of participation in earning something that they desire (like a pet), they are much more likely to complete it.

Ok. Good. That is what I had thought would be something to try. am trying not to be so hurt or take this as it is all me. I know it is A LOT of me and that is why I am being honest in what I have said to him...on tis forum. But I just don't want to have the mindset of this being all my fault since that is what he is accusing me of And if I go down that road I will def become weak.

I ordered that book. I can't wait to read it. I know I am mostly to blame here but I also feel he has put a lot on me. I am ready to fix it.

It is not all your fault, hon, and we know that. We are not asking you to assign or take blame. We are only telling you to clean up your side of the street. You can't clean up his side of the street, obviously.

This is not about blaming. This is about changing your own behavior.

Thanks to you all any advice is welcome. I am going to try some archived programs and read more I will fill you in on any news or disturbances in my initiation of starting over. Thanks again!

Accepting that a lot of this is on you should make you feel empowered to change it. The most frustrating thing is knowing that there is a problem and being unable to do anything about it. You, luckily, don't seem to have this particular problem!

I think you will see a huge difference if you stop engaging in the fighting. Because you attack, defend, and trot out unrelated mistakes of the past to prove present points, you are an easy target for his blame. Stop doing that, and he will realize (hopefully, unless he is blissful in some sort of non-self-awareness) the part HE plays in the toxicity of the environment and he will want to change, as well.

My H and I started backing off from fighting-bait with a few little words that meant, "You're being kinda nasty right now and this conversation will not go well with that kind of attitude, so I am not going to take part in it right now. Talk to me later when you calm down." Those words were: I love you.

It worked VERY well.

A sample exchange:

H: Why can't you ever load the dishwasher the right way? Gah, how freaking hard is it to put the knives UP?

Me: I love you.

H: *stunned*

Later, he started using it:

Me: It drives me insane when you flip the stupid channels! What kind of attention span do you have? Gah, I can't watch television with you! (angrily gets out of chair and goes to the bedroom)

H: (calling from the other room) I love you!

lol. You see how these things start with completely valid complaints expressed as lovebusters? Complaining is good, lovebusting is bad. It takes practice to be able to complain without them. So, start practicing! If my H and I could learn to talk about complaints without being mean, nasty, and jabbing, so can you! We were soooo bad...

But by disengaging at the point of anger and returning with cooler heads to resolve complaints, we were able to resolve things. Eventually we could do it from the very beginning of the complaint so that we never 'fight' anymore. It started with me refusing to engage. Then he became a loud crazy person with nobody to fight with. Then he just...stopped it. Nobody wants to be the only insane person in the room.

I loooove to decorate. It is something i love and something my husband claims he loved about me. That I can make a house a home. About an hour ago I came home after going to the store. With his children he had taken down some drapes that I had personally made, taking apart all of the beds that were bunked, took the dining room table apart, and then took every decorative item off of the walls. He let the kids hang whatever they wanted with tacks. Something I always had asked my owm children not to do in their rooms. But it was the whole house. Basically saying f you.
So here I have been all day wanting to stay and work it out. Trying to do research...and now I feel like I just want to go. But deep down I don't...And then I also ...I feel the need to defend my hard work and what I enjoy. And yes it is silly but that was my house too. Even though he owns it. I do pay for it too. I am so hurt right now. But I know I am not supposed to argue with him. He has basically already started moving me out. I had to leave the house. I am sitting in my car. Just had to vent. Not sure what I am going to do. It was once again something to hurt me. He knew it would. But. I did not argue or say.a.single.word.

You've been married more than one, but less than two years, right?

Has there been physical violence?

Where are your kids?

My kids are with their dad. Married two years on feb 6th. No physical violence from either side
I mean my kids are with dad for just this weekend. Not all of the time

While you have plenty of ownership in the state of your marriage, I think your H is being incredibly cruel, to you and to his children.

I'm sorry, but short marriage and no common children and all this muck going on, you might be better off without him.

When you said you had to leave the house, do you mean because of your own emotions, or were you forced to leave?

How old are you guys?

I am 40 he is 44. Just got home and the house is torn apart. Beds in hallway all bedding is in our room. And of course I haven't said a word.