Good job! It sounds like you did a good job in your conversation. I imagine it will be much better when you get to move into together. And I would encourage you to try different diets to find what works for you. Counting calories can help, but it is secondary to macronutrient make up.

MelodyLane, as a child I was overweight and started diet when I was a teeneger. I've heard that when someone was fat once in his life, later on he needs to control himself all the time, because it'll be very easy to become fat again. I'm reading now about Booth Camp Diet - I want to try it. It's a bit sad when I'm thinking that all my life I won't be able to eat as much as I want..
I'll see how it will go now with my husband. I know if he will see even small change in my body he'll be happy (it happened before- he asked me to do something and when he saw small improvement, he was really pleased and didnt talk about it anymore). It's not easy to be married. I was in 2 serious relationships before and in the end I was really hurt, I know I did mistakes and don't want to do it again with my husband, that's why I'm trying to learn now as much as I can (as I said we know each other only 9 months so we need to work on it even harder)

You mentioned loose skin earlier--is this the problem, and not actual weight? You said you lost a lot of weight years ago...how much? There is only so much elasticity to skin. I don't know if this is the problem, but exercise and diet will not repair excess skin that used to cover a larger you. Of course you should eat right and exercise, but recognize the limitations.

Most people have enough elasticity to 'shrink wrap' a newly thinned bod after moderate weight loss, but once you get up into triple digit weight loss, that ability is greatly diminished, and many opt for a tuck.

The reason behind this is thus; fat cells - when full - can be very large. They can also be much smaller when empty. Typically, when one loses weight, those fat cells (adipose tissue) generally empty. You don't actually rid yourself the cells. It's quite easy for those cells to again be filled again.

I'm curious what your definition of "eating healthy" is.

And if you say that you're exercising an hour a day but you're not making any changes, then something is up with your diet and/or you're exercising the wrong way. And what is your definition of exercising? I can spend an hour walking on a treadmill or around the block or I can spend 20 minutes in the gym and get much better results out of that 20 minutes than in an hour. Heck, I got some of my best workouts in my backyard with a cement weight set, a tractor tire, and a couple of kegs with water in them.

I'm sorry but Yamina's posts give me red flags. FYI, I have done bodybuilding and powerlifting for 8 years, so believe me, I'm well aware of how women can manipulate diet to the extremes.

However,

Yamina has already said she is a normal BMI and still wants to lose another 20lbs to be super slim to make her husband happy. There does come a point where a person really cannot lose much more unless they start resorting to unhealthy/eating disordered tactics.

She's been married 6 months to this guy, she's already working out daily and he's telling her daily that it's not good enough - and she's already a healthy/normal BMI but still trying to lose (IMO) an excessive amount - 20lbs at a normal BMI??

If a young childless woman is already trying desperately to become (very likely) underweight to please a husband of 6 months then what on earth is she going to do when she has children???

I don't think diet advice is necessarily going to help Yamina in the long term here. 20lbs on a normal female BMI is a LOT of weight.

I agree with Alis again. There are lots of flapping red flags here


Red flag

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Red flag

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Red flag

Red flag

She has a normal BMI. It is going to be an uphill battle for her to try to meet his requirements, and as Alis pointed out, it's unhealthy.

She also said "He told me I knew he didnt know how to talk to woman and he doesnt understand them and he'll never learn"

What a cop-out for him!

I think she should make reasonable efforts to keep herself trim and attractive but he also needs to do some work on his attitude, and she needs help with this from MB.

The issue is the time apart is exacerbating the issue of physical attractiveness.

This is why ENs are in a combination, and together with 15+ hours of alone time/week the combination creates romantic love.

The OP isn't going to resolve this issue until she is able to meet more of his needs. The only way for that to happen is when they live together.

I encourage you, Yamina, to read as much as you can on negotiation and POJA. This will prepare you for when you live together, and you can communicate effectively how you plan to meet his needs and he meet your needs.

I couldn't agree more. I am not sure how or why the discussion turned from yamina's H lovebusting all over the place ("he tells me straight that I am fat") to her supposedly needing to eat better and work out more so she can lose some more pounds that she apparently does not even have . And I doubt that them living together will make it better, I think it'll make it worse, as the criticisms will become more frequent.

I get the concept that the only person yamina can control is herself, but when EN's become unreasonable, they become Selfish Demands. It's OK for yamina's H to want a model for a wife, but perhaps he should have married one then.

AGG

Thank you for all advices. I think I should change my behaviour first. As my husband told me yesterday- sometimes he only jokes about my weight or he talks about it,coz he doesnt have better ideas. He said he already loves my body, but if I will be a bit more shaped, he'll love it more and that it's not the priority for him. I'm young, haven't been married before, maybe I shouldn't take it so serious. Maybe instead of crying, I should listen to his comments,smile and say 'ok'.

Talking about my BMI - I found it strange too, but f.ex. for the person my height (I'm very tall), the 'normal' BMI means the weight between 184-140 lbs.I'm in the middle, so if I'll loose 20lbs I will be on the bottom line,but not underweight.
The loose skin I was talking about...In the first days of marriage my husband asked me if I was pregnant before ( to be honest, it was funny, because this skin doesnt look like after pregnancy, but like I said - my husband has never seen any woman, so he doesnt know that woman can have a bit fat on the belly.Yes, I think it's not only skin, but maybe still a bit of fat. The problem is that I lost 20lbs and didnt notice any difference in this area of my body (I was exercising).
Healthy food - I'm reading a lot not only about diet but also about healthy food. Im sorry, english is not my mother tongue and I find a bit difficult to write about all this nutrition stuff, so let me avoid it Exercises - I start my day from walk to work (it takes me around 30min) and in the end of day I do the 'ABT' exercises (I used to train fitness) + walking (fast) on the twist-stepper (the highest step). I don't want to explain why,but I can't go to the gym or swimming pool, so I need to exercise at home.

I think few posts suggest me that my marriage won't exist in the near future. I don't agree with that. Ok, maybe my husband is demanding about my appearance, but it's only one thing I we have problem with. It seems to be not that much. We are a couple who starts their life together and we need to learn how to talk to each other. That's it. I said that my husband loves me and he does a lot to make me happy, so I dont understand why it won't work... I'm sure there is a way to show my husband that his comments may hurts me so he won't do it again in the future.

Yamina, nobody here is suggesting that you are heading for divorce. This place is very supportive of marriage, even when most would say to throw it away.

I think what is wrong is that people are trying to figure out whether or not your husband's need for physical attractiveness are realistic or are they becoming selfish demands?

It is reasonable for someone to expect their partner to maintain a realistic physical standard when they married them - ie. honestly telling a spouse that the 40lbs they gained after marriage is reducing physical attractiveness. It is NOT reasonable, IMO, and a selfish demand, for your husband to expect you to allow diets/exercise to consume your constant thoughts to become a physical body that you never where when you married.

Is it a selfish demand for a man to marry a normal-sized woman who does not look like a model, tell her this every single time they speak that she's fat and should lose even more weight?

And if it IS a selfish demand, how can Yamina help her husband realize how much this is hurting her? Because it is obviously hurting you.

Can we drop this bmi talk? My bmi says I'm borderline between over weight and obese when I'm I'm single digit body fat and for anyone carrying a decent amount of muscle, the same is true. Bmi is a horrible indicator of being fat or skinny.

It seems like he's never been really happy with your aesthetics. And it seems like he doesn't really know how to communicate with you in a healthy manner. Is what he expects unrealistic? I don't know what she looks like our what he views as being attractive. One thing is for sure though, these two nee to live together and start reading Love Busters and getting in 15-20 hours of ua time concentrating on the four intimate areas before any of this will improve.

And I'd say he seriously needs to learn to communicate in a much more carrying tone. There's certainly a way to say I'm not as attracted to you as I could be without making insulting fat comments.

Yamina,

Check out www.trainforstrength.com and www.dragondoor.com for body weight exercise ideas. How you exercise is more important than how long you exercise. So you might be spending an hour exercising but if that hour is spent mostly walking and running, then you're doing very little for weightloss.

1) Your husband has Attractive Spouse as a high Emotional Need.
2) Your husband is indicating this using Demands and Disrespectful Judgments. Maybe you can gently teach him other ways to make thoughful requests. "Not that dress looks bad on you" but "I really like it when you wear that red skirt. It looks so good on you!" or "Let's go for a walk together." instead of "You're fat".

3) Dr. Harley says that when one spouse has a higher need than the other spouse, that spouse should make it as easy as possible for the other spouse to meet that need. So if he wants you to wear attractive clothes (to him), then he should give you time and money to buy them. If he wants you to exercise, he should take over some chores so you have time.

4) You should use the Policy of Joint Agreement to meet his need for Attractive Spouse. You should only do what you are enthusiastic about. He may want you to work out 2 hours a day 7 days a week. But if you are not enthusiastic about that then you don't agree to that. What are you enthusiastic about?

5) Your husband seems to me to have unrealistic expectations

The only reason that this is brought us is that it may be that if one spouse really really wants something from the other spouse that they cannot give, then unfortunately they may have the wrong partner. For example, if your husband will only be happy if you exercise 2 hours a day and are a size 2, and if that is somethign you cannot do, then perhaps he has married the wrong person. If an EN is so important to someone, then they should make sure that their spouse is willing and capable of meeting that need.

It seems this way but it may not be true. We've heard that she 'exercises a lot', that 'she's within the bmi' and he's complained since before marriage.

In this day and age, being over weight is average or normal and those that aren't over weight get insulted. Having a bely is normal and just part of getting older and having kids. this isn't true.

I'd really like to get him over here. Part of the problem is he communicates how he feels much like an adolescent/teenager would and she gets hurt by the way he expresses himself.

I thought it's betterbut it's not.. I had long conversation with my husband and now he wants me to do another thing (I dont really want to say what,but it is also about my appearance). I want to give up,really...Before marriage he told me to learn his language, he was pressurising a lot, I was really busy with exams at my University and try to explain that I dont do huge improvement,because I'm very very busy, but... Ok, after exams I stared learning intensively, I did huge improvement,so he found the weight thing...Now, when we spoke about this and I said I'm on diet and exercise everyday - he found another thing. I asked him if there is something he likes in me, because it seems he wants to change everything. He told me he loves everything about me,but he wants improvement. The problem is he wants improvement almost about everything, what gives me impression,I'm not enough good for him. I also think he doesnt find me at all attractive even if he says he does. Simple example which make me sad - one day he told me he wants me to wear a nice dress, I bought the dresses, I did my hair.I did it everyday when I was visiting him.Today I've heard I dont buy any nice clothes to look attractive and I don't look after myself (I don't understand,because always have my hair done, always have a make up, smell nice, wear dresses). He also told me I don't know how to attract man. I've never heard something like this in my life! Really, I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know if I'll be ever able to make him happy and if he wants to be happy...

I don't know if I said this before- I'm really sorry that my msgs are incorrect, but english is not my mother tongue.