First let me say overall recovery is going great. FWH is very attentive, loving, passionate, etc. I work hard to fulfill all his EN, and he says I am right on target 100% and he is content and happy. We do lots of things together, with lots of UA.

BUT, (there always is one, isn't there)I am still intensely jealous of the OW and the love he had for her and the plans they were making to potentially marry someday. I just had a meltdown about it, but FWH is at work and doesn't know.

We are 5 1/2 months out from D-Day. She is 100% out of FWH life (we took her to court for harrassment), but I am sooooo envious of all the attention, affection she got that I didn't get for so long. I have no doubts these feelings are normal, but I'm looking for reassurance it will ease in time. I'm worried it will always be this way. How can a marriage recover long term with thoughts of "it" in my head 24/7.

She still has a picture of him and her on her facebook page, and puts subliminal messages up for him because she knows we are monitoring her. She did a few crazy things recently for which we threatened to go back to court (through a friend - we have no contact). My FWH doesn't want me to monitor her facebook page, because it IS a trigger for me.

So, is part of the solution to my intense jealousy staying off her page, and second, should I discuss my feelings of jealousy with FWH or just work through it. I know bringing up the A can be very destructive and take out lots of withdrawals from the LB, and I certainly don't want to do that.

It's one thing to monitor the home pc and all phones to verify NC.

Looking at OW FB is not going NC. There is no reason for you or WH to be breaking NC by going to her FB page or any other way of finding out about OW.

Breaking NC is just resetting the recovery date. If you checked the OW FB page yesterday you are not 5.5 months pasr dday.

Dday was yesterday. You have pushed your recovery time frame of 2 to 5 years back by 5.5 months.

Yes time does lesson the pain. But you have to remove the sourch of the pain to forget it.

I would discuss how you have been triggering by breaking NC. How the both of you need to be on the same NC page. That as a family you should take a 6 month vacation from FB. You'll find out that you can have a full life with out it.

Don't blame WH or yourself for triggering. Tell WH there is no need to discuss when you trigger but a hug out of the blue is a signal that you are triggering but love him and choosing recovery and a hug back will be his signal that he loves you and is not leaving you.

Agree with TheRoad. Don't look at OW's Facebook; don't google her. She needs to be completely blocked from your life and that of your H.

I made the mistake of looking her up, too, and was haunted for days afterward by that image. Augh! Later, Dr. H. said in a radio clip to a caller to never look at the FB page or google. Just block completely.

Time does help to heal, but full recovery takes:

1.) Complete transparency & integrated lifestyle
2.) No contact (no peeking by either of you at the OW)
3.) Elimination of the conditions that led to the affair
4.) A romantic marriage that is better than pre-A

With all of that, it takes about two - five years to recover.

Yes, it sucks. It really does. My first year post D-Day was horrible. You go through all the stages of grief. Anger/rage set in about six months after D-Day. Triggers out of the blue, images running through my head constantly when I was with FWH. Now that we're a year and a few months into recovery, there's still a lingering sadness from the hurt and trauma of the adultery, but the rage is gone. Our marriage is what I had always dreamed it should be and we live a fully integrated life.

Give it time and work on the above steps.

Have you considered signing up for MB Online? It's very helpful for those of us who needed the accountability.

LOL, I would stop talking about it and stay off her page. Every time you talk about it, you bring the past into the present.

Your resentment will fade as you transform your marriage. The better your marriage gets, the more this will fade into the background. Go pull up the thread I started about "recovery is not complete." Harley explains how a great recovery will erase those feelings. As you and your husband fall back in love, your marriage will get better and better. You are on the right track, so don't get impatient. You are doing great, just stop talking about it, and stay away from her facebook page.

LOL, you are ok. it is normal to have a plethora of feelings for a while, no matter how well you think your recovery is going. you're human! you just need to cope, and as you've read already 3 times above, you are being very naughty! i think TRoad summmed it up:


why are you torturing yourself? let her play her stupid games by herself. you'll have the best revenge: a healthy, happy, healed marriage with your dh, without wasting an iota of your energy thinking of her or giving a toss about who she is or what she does. stop pulling off the scab and let the wound heal. you need to go totally NC.

This is how we handle FaceBook, which we don't want to eliminate since it's how we see photos of our kids/grandkids and keep up with friends and relatives:

We deleted my FWH's FB page, and created a joint page out of mine by adding both our names. FB makes it difficult but it's not hard to be creative. For instance, enter your names as MaryandJohn Smith. Lots of people do this.

After all, why should spouses have separate FB accounts? It's a way someone can contact one of you secretly, via private message or chat!

We don't have separate friends--and shouldn't have, esp after an A--so why the need for separate FB accts? If your H doesn't want to see wall posts of your girlfriends (or vice versa), you can create separate friends lists within your acct, or you can "unsubscribe" them from wall posts. That way you can still remain FB friends and go to their pages when you want to see what they've posted. They don't know that you've unsubscribed them; and they can choose to keep you as "active" friends, seeing any/all of your posts.

Most Importantly: Go to your account settings and block the OP!! That way you can't see them and they can't see you. Set all your privacy settings to Just Friends and consider deleting anyone who could be in contact with the OP, so the OP can't look at your page thru a friend. (I want nothing to do with anyone who knows the OW nor do I want my FWH to have contact with anyone she knows; it's one of our EP's.)

BTW check this out, it could be used to help keep your FWS from keeping the NC promise (it's a free app):

Can�t stop calling your ex but know you need to break it off in order to move on?

Let The Ex-App keep you from breaking down and help you finally break-up and away from your ex.

The Ex-App blocks you from making outgoing calls, text messages, or emails to your ex. It also tracks the number of consecutive days that you have stopped contacting your ex to help you stay motivated and committed to your new awesome ex-free life.

These are some great suggestions except for the app.

The problem with the app is that it keeps the OP's name and number on the device and the OP front and center in the WS and the BS's thoughts with the counter on how many days there has been no contact made. It also has an "unlock" feature where the WS could unlock the name anytime they want. It would reset the counter which would be too tempting IMO. Dr. Harley recommends no contact in any way.

I LOVE the idea of a joint facebook page!!! So simple yet I never even thought of it.

PM, I agree with you about the Ex-App. I just saw it advertised but didn't research or think thru the arguments you make. It's a stupid App!!

Ok. I will take your advise and go to no FB viewing. I had a little bit of a meltdown this morning and talked with FWH. I was obsessing about an event coming up which is where they met and is a huge trigger for me (one I will be attending which is where they met and started their A 2 years ago). Anyway, he immediately asked if I was on her FB page again, and told me that when I bring up details it sets us back. So true, I know, I told him I would stay off the page. I hope I have the strength. FWH is doing everything right, and seems so in love with me. I feel like I'm my own worst enemy. Why would I do this to myself?

Anyway, we are in a good place again tonight, so all is well for now. Thanks everyone.

You are not alone with your obsession to look at her FB page, many of us have the same issue. Remove the source of your temptation by blocking OW on your FB! It will also help her move on and keep her from snooping on you.

When you are tempted to "peek," remind yourself how it feels afterward. It feels awful, doesn't it? The image stays in your brain for a while, doesn't it? Think out your temptation from beginning to end and remind yourself that it feels terrible in the end.

Also, it helps to immediately do something different. Change your environment. If you are at the computer, get up and go for a walk, or get a cup of tea. Eventually it gets easier to break this temptation.

Last time I peeked, which was about six months ago, that OW's image was in my brain for weeks. I hated that. Why did I allow myself to hurt myself? I remember that feeling whenever I'm tempted.

LOVE:

I used to creep FWH's POSOW's Facebook page (she conveniently joined AFTER their affair ended, I think as a way to be able to "look" at his profile. They are not FB friends, and I have full access to his account). I also Googled her and used an info service to get her basic information (in case I needed in the future.)

But ... all that checking kept me mired in INSECURITY land. And that was extremely destructive to my regaining my confidence. So, whenever you think about checking out her page, make a list of the reasons why you shouldn't. Some suggestions:

1) Her disgusting life is of no interest to me.
2) She is a vile person. I don't look at pages of vile people.
3) If I look at her page, I reset the DDay clock back to zero. Zero is NOT where I want to be.
4) I want to spend my time rebuilding my marriage, so maybe I could use this time to make a lovebank deposit for my husband). That will build my marriage far more than creeping.

You get the picture. Creat a mental list. Make sure it's several points long. If you still go there after the end of the list, your list isn't long enough.

Keep working the MB plan, Love. You'll get there!

Cheers,
SP