What exactly have you done? Can you be more specific? I am trying very hard to understand his hostility which is why I asked. Do you think he has been in habit of making sacrifices and suffering in silence? That might also explain why he is so selfish right now. Extreme giving leads to resentment which leads to extreme TAKING. His behavior is the usual outcome of sacrificing.


All Plan A means is that you meet his needs to the best of your ability and avoid lovebusters. Did you read up on lovebusters? It doesn't mean that you DON'T tell him when you are unhappy. You do tell him, but you do it in a respectful way without lovebusters. And it sure doesn't mean you tolerate abuse!

I wouldn't worry about his father or try to diagnose him with a personality disorder. That is a distraction from the current issues. He just sounds like a typical husband who is being selfish and mean.

Oh ok...I see what you mean re: my behavior. I will give you a few examples of what I have done that didn't feel at the time was bad, but looking back I could have handled it differently Sorry I am typing on an iPad and auto correct will change my words sometimes. Grrr. Anyway....not too long ago we were going to take a day trip to the mountains. We had planned the trip.....had everything ready......were packing the van with all five of our kids. h turns and asks "do you want to stay overnight?". Ok this was AFTER I suggested the same thing but was told we didn't have the money. His daughters had said in front of us that they wanted to stay overnight which in return he asks me in front of them.
There are two things here that really ticked me off...first that I had already asked he said no, but when his daughters want it, it is all of the sudden ok.. And second, that he would ask me in front of the kids.....leaving me to be the bad guy or just being put in a bad situation. Instead of saying "whatever you want honey"or "we need to discuss this first"......I said "no, you had already told me no.....so now I am telling you the same thing. ". He proceeded to have an outburst. And the rest is all you can imagine.
Probably the thing that I feel the worst about is as I said before. He had pushed me to argue with him one evening following me from room to room as I tried to put clothes away. He called me horrible names, spoke poorly of my son with ADHD, even said that I was a horrible teacher. So, since he has gained quite a bit of weight since meeting and I knew he was insecure about it......I responded with "well you aren't perfect, you are fat". OMG. I apologized profusely immediately ,but as you had said there is no excuse. I also contribute by giving him pissed off looks when he says something i dont like. And the thing I also need to learn how to handle is ....I can't remember the name for it, but when he does something that really upsets me I will just stay away from him. The reason for that is a learned behavior since I know if I say one little thing he will dig right in. You see, in his eyes he does nothing wrong. Seriously. I cannot think of one time he has ever admitted to failure or mistakes. Even his problems with his job....it is always someone else's fault. When he swerves while driving, which he does a lot be cause he is looking at everything else but the road, and someone honks....he will literally begin to spout off obscenities and how the other guy was in his lane....even when it is blatant HE was in the other lane.
I hope this helps understand a little better.....to answer your question. I definitely participate in LB behaviors.
And yes I have read about LB on here but have not received the book.

And I didn't answer your other question about his sacrificing. I would say he does sacrifice at times. But usually it is for his kids which I don't mind at all. I feel bad for them and encourage doing things for them. I don't think he has sacrificed too much for me. I am having to think. I guess that we have both sacrificed a lot due to our exes and dealing with legal fees. His ex has made poor choices and he has to deal with a lot in court. he has sacrificed our time together and our money for that....so maybe he is bitter at me for pushing and supporting holding his ex accountable.

My goodness, FA, your FIL sounds toxic and just awful. Good for you that you have put up boundaries that protect you. It sounds like there are a lot of stressors in your and your H's life that are getting between you.

Your LoveBusting ("fat") was pretty bad, it's good that you're not going to do this anymore. If your H is a bit narcissistic, such things will rankle for a long time.

You should definitely keep saying when you find his behaviour unacceptable, just do it without the LBs. Work on a lot more UA time. Make it pleasurable to be with you. Is Admiration a high emotional need for your H? It's the easiest of the needs to satisfy, you just have to praise. Tell him how much you admire him for dealing with his father, how strong he's been with his ex, what a great dad he is, how handsome you find him etc.

Today my husband texted me to tell me he would be picking out his treadmill and putting it my dining room where the dining room table (that he took down without my knowledge) used to sit. And now he has made a $700 purchase without consulting me first. I have to say that my love bank is pretty much nonexistent. Really not sure what to do. I will not continue with this behavior. I am really trying to make a turn around here and he keeps making it very difficult. Any suggestions on how to handle this next piece of info? I am really hurt.

You respond by saying, "I am not enthusiastic about a treadmill in the dining room." and then suggest other places to put it.

Or, "I am not enthusiastic about purchasing a new treadmill. How about if we try to find a used one first? If we can't find anything suitable within X days/weeks, we can talk about a new one."

Or, "I am not enthusiastic about purchasing a treadmill today. Can we discuss this later before you do it? I want you to have what you want, and I think we can find a way for both of us to be happy about a decision regarding a treadmill."

FA, CWMI is giving you great examples on how to state your case without demands, disrespect, or anger. You just stick to the facts: the decisions he is making are not okay with you.

If he continues to intentionally do things you find objectionable, do not respond with demands, disrespect, or anger. There may come a point where you have to pack a bag and leave, or prepare for a separation, or something, but this should be planned and not done while emotional or angry, and not issued as a threat.

Sell him on the value of the two of you only doing things that both of you are enthusiastic about: "I am not okay with a treadmill in the dining room. I think in our marriage we should only do things that make BOTH of us happy. For example, I don't think I should {go out with my friends, make a dinner you don't like, watch such and such TV show, take you to such and such restaurant, come up with examples of things you've done you know he doesn't like!} if it bothers you. I think we should both make sure that the other is okay with an idea before we go through with it."

He went ahead and did it. He bought the treadmill So now I am in a house where my husband told me last week that he no longer loves me and thinks I am disgusting. Would never in a million years allow me to make a large purchase for myself, much less without asking him first. I am in a house that I once loved to come home to. Now I dread it. I am in a house that I have cleaned relentlessly for two years....only to be told I am horrible at it or don't do it correctly. I am in a house where i have been the one to sacrifice things that make me happy to make him happy.

I have been punished, ridiculed, and now this week I have been intentionally hurt to prove a point. The damn bunk beds are taken apart everywhere. The dining room will now be a place to house the exercise equipment. And here I am wasting my time and others to try and figure out how to save my marriage?

I work hard at being a good wife and mother, all while working full time.....and that is something he wants me to do i spend every day trying to think of ways to make "him" happy to come home to me.

Why am I doing this and why and how do I love him so much? I wish I weren't so weak. I am very disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen again.

Did you respond to his text in any way?

No. I didn't. He called and I asked if he was eating dinner with us and asked what time he would be home. He came home and didn't say a word to me. I tried to say hello but he kept walking....it was pathetic. Like I am a dog waiting for master to pet my head. Like I said above...I am disgusted with myself.

I am going straight to plan B. told me again that he didn't love me. Started throwing out comments that made absolutely no sense. "I am going to be helping my brother on a project. I don't have time for your bs. My brother has been there for me. ". He said it like He was insinuating that I have kept him from his brother? That is when I knew that this was waaaay more than I can try and mend. I have never in my life said a bad thing about his brother. Never. Made comments about me not cleaning up after his kids.


And you know what triggered this? Trying to fill his love bank. I said something nice.

Plan B.

Slow down! Listen to us. You will get the push-back moving through Plan A, but at the end of it you will either have a good marriage or you will know you have done all you could.

Personally, I would walk away from a short marriage with no common children if it was this tough, but I am assuming that you married for a reason, and the first two years of ANY marriage are tough, much less one that blends so many children. And you came here to save your marriage, right?

Then LISTEN. Did you read my post on responses? Why didn't you respond to his text? I think perhaps your H sees you as both a hysterical B and a total pushover, and who could respect someone like that? You're either a banshee or a mindless lump? Come on! Time to learn some assertiveness. MB can help with that, may as well try to use it on this marriage so you don't end up in a third abusive and failed marriage.

If you are referring to responding to his text about the treadmill; he had already purchased it. Maybe I am all of the above. Honestly, he doesn't have respect for me. I did/do want to save the marriage, but I am so vulnerable at this point. I am going to keep trying and will report back. It is nice to have somewhere to vent; to know that someone out there is listening. No matter how hard it is to learn/hear the truth.

So long as you understand that not responding to a text to lovingly express your displeasure at his IB and offering viable solutions is not actually trying anything...

Read through the One Spouse letters here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html

Click through to the NEXT letter at the end of each one.

Come back with questions. You need to make a plan, and take 'rolling over' OFF the plan!

**edit**

Thank you Wanna. I just visited that sight and fell right into place. I felt like everyone was talking about my DH. After much research, I am trying to think of how I will deal with this. Thanks again do much. It is what I need!

**edit**

The purpose of this forum is to help posters fix their marriages using Marriage Builders concepts. It is not to diagnose poster's spouses with mental disorders and refer them to other forums!

Please help posters with Marriage Builders concepts and leave the armchair diagnoses at home.