Married 23 years, both married before. I was attracted to how he was at work. We used to say that this company needed more like him, but little did I realize that he was the exact opposite at home. His kids never were disciplined or scolded. Boy with us was 21 when we married, girl was with her mother age 16, an son with us 14. Older bragged about doing every drug possible and having sex with every girl he dated. Monthly H went for school conference where every teacher told him how bad his 14 yr old was. He'd come home and tell him that the principal said he was the best dressed and never scold him. We finally put the older son in an apartment and paid for it. The younger son in private boarding school and paid for it, then to his mother's. But before we did the boys were attacking me in every way possible, like opened syrup bottles turned upside down in cabinets and then it because sexual violations, leaving me notes on my bath written in my folded tampons, rearranging my panties and the finally after me telling the older one to go away that I had to change, came into my bedroom while I was showering. He laughed when I came out knowing he had me cornered. I told my husband (who has never even talked with him about it) that I was phoning the police if he ever came to may house again. And the guy hasn't. It's been 22 years. He's now married and has a teenage son. Mean while the older kept telling me that he was the boss and his dad would do anything he told him, and it is true. He insisted he had all his dad's money and would have mine. I lived hiding my purse when he was around. Meanwhile the daughter sent nasty letter with copies to me at work, demanding more money. That was 22 years ago and I have not spoken to either of the boys since, and my preacher and counselor told me not to unless they admit all they did. We later moved and since that move 12 years ago, the younger has been in prison for abusing his illegitimate child (or because the DA didn't like him is his claim) and the older one has never sent his dad a Xmas gift in the 12 years or knows he's alive at Father's day but insists on what my H should get him and his wife, and my H does. My H sent the older one $8500 for his son's college without me knowing, saying he had that much in retirement before meeting me. He met them in Orlando a couple of years ago and his son had to drive his car because they couldn't fit in H truck and complained. So H came home ready to buy a large truck. When he took this son fishing and son complained about small boat size, H bought a large one that cost of additional 15000 after trade in. H went to visit him last year for long weekend and they let H grandson go to friends and spend the weekend. H was taking medicine and had to keep on his coat all weekend because they kept temperature on 65, ignoring H was ill. Daughter recently married a divorced man of another race who has kids and lives across the country. We gave her 1000 for a wedding gift and she didn't even say thanks, but sent a wedding announcement addressed only to H. H now insist that we need to draw up wills/trusts and he wants his daughter to be trustee. I am not about to agree to this. I trust none of his kids and don't want my kids put in the middle to fight with his when we die. We have no other family to help. I say I don't trust his kids, but it's H I can't trust to stand up to them.
My H has bought me a lot of nice jewelry that I enjoyed until now and I refuse to wear it if he only bought it so he could give it to his kids if I die first. When I wanted to give it all to my daughter, saying it is personal items that only I use, he had a fit, saying we should not give her that much. Things are really strained and I live fearful of his kids
after all these years and them all being in other states. How do we resolve a will and trust so things are fair and feel we are caring for all the kids? I am so frustrated. But thankful that we live a long way from all his kids and I no longer have to see or hear their voices. How can I get a H to act like a father, and not a wimp when the older son wants something?

Hi sugarpie, welcome to Marriage Builders. The basic issue I see here is that you and your husband have never learned how to resolve conflicts. Because of that, you have alot of issues that have built up over the years. I would focus on learning the necessary skills to resolve problems. Here is an article that can lead you in the right direction.

In the meantime I would get these 2 books, Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. Both of those books will help you learn how to resolve conflicts, the latter addresses blended family issues.

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

You each make your own will, and step children do not need to be named anywhere on it. You will your stuff to your kids, he wills his to his. Do you understand how wills work? There is no "our will". Your property is your own to will as you please, the only things exempt are POD accounts, accounts with beneficiaries, and property held as tenants in common with right of survivorship. In the US, most states have a minimum percentage of estate that must be left to the surviving spouse, but beyond that, you can leave your jewelry to your neighbor's cat if you wish. Because of your blended family, I think you should stay out of each other's decisions regarding wills, and focus on making sure a surviving spouse is provided for and that your assets go to your own children. My aunt has her estate set up for her H to use the interest accrued during his lifetime with the distribution of assets to go to her children after his death, providing she dies first. So the kids get nothing until stepdad dies, too, but also stepdad can't touch anything but interest.

My stepmonster was a total B who donated things she knew we wanted when my father died, because she could and she's a B. Don't be a stepmonster.

I'm an estate plan attorney. That exactly who you need to call and work with in your jurisdiction. You each need to set up Revocable Living Trusts. Wills aren't good enough in these situations. They are too easy to challenge and tie up in court (which forces everyone to settle AFTER the attorneys get paid). Solid trusts and "pour-over" wills (into such trusts) are the way to go. You can get them done from $800 to $5000 depending on the size and complexity of your estate.

As far as personal property you want to make sure your children get. Open a joint safety deposit box with your most trusted child at a nearby bank and store your best jewelry there. It's safer there then your house and near enough you can get it when you need it. Then if something happens to you...she can access the box and get it. I've also suggested hidden fireproof safes in the home that only you, your husband and YOUR kids no where it is. Then be sure YOUR kids have a key to your house and no to come get your personal items immediately since you don't trust HIS kids.

These situations are the messiest situations estate plan attorneys deal with. Good documents are worth their weight in gold.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - If you don't have a large estate and it's mostly jewelry and other personal items you are worried about a Joint Revocable Trust can be utilize and even just separate Wills with a "list of Gifts provision whereby you BOTH bequeath EVERYTHING to your surviving spouse then if not surviving, then perhaps to ALL the kids and step-kids equally except for a specific list of gifts/items to specific individuals that you attach to the Will, dated and in your own handwriting. Your attorney will know what to do in your state. Shop around.