My marriage to an awful person finally ended after 2 years in the courts fighting for custody of our kids, finally done and over with in 2009.

I finally met someone. I'm surer than sure she's the one. Thinking of my backstory with my ex-wife, I can honestly say that I love her more than I ever loved my ex-wife. She's a kind heart, like I am. She loves my kids and they love her. She has been divorced from an abusive, controlling, alcoholic since 2006. She went back after a while of him begging her back, promising things would be different. Yet, as you well know, things often return to the way they were, and she left him again.

This is where I enter the scene. We met through my cousin, and hit it off immediately. I, under Dr. Harley's tutelage, learned what it takes to make a relationship last. I used the policies like they were second nature. She fell head over heels in love with me, and I with her.

There's a problem though. She's trapped herself in an emotional loop with her ex-husband. She has one child with him, a 17 year old son. She walked away from me about two weeks ago after her ex-husband hacked her Facebook account and recited the messages between her and I to her. She said there were things she needed to work out in her head and needed time.

Then, this weekend, a few days before Valentine's Day, she reestablished contact and apologizes for how she has acted and treated me. To my surprise, she informs me on Valentine's Day that she was on her way to my house, and she'd wait for me, as I was visiting my Mother at the time. We arrive there, and sure enough, there she is, with Valentine's gifts in hand for the kids and I. She stayed for 2 hours or so, all the while apologizing for the hurt she had caused me, telling me that I was the one she wanted to be with forever. She promised she had no doubts in her mind. She then went back to her Mother's home, where she'd been staying since she left her ex. Things went great for about 18 hrs, the whole while I was pensive; my ex destroyed my ability to trust, and after I build up the courage to trust again, I got smacked, so I worried. She planned to come spend more time with me yesterday, which was the Thursday after Valentine's.

But, to my horror, halfway through Wednesday, after tons of I love you's, I miss you's, and I can't wait till Thursday gets here messages, all of a sudden, silence. Six hours go by, and I get a message from her that her and her ex had been talking, and he said he got on medication and promised he'd be better(which is a rerun statement for him). She said she was giving him another chance, apologizing for hurting me again. I tried to remind her that he was an ex for a reason. She had tried this run in the past, and he reverted, as most who are like him do. I told her that she was going back to the one that had abused her and cheated on her numerous times, and was leaving someone that had never hurt her, would never hurt her, and didn't have the capacity to hurt her. Despite all the sense I could put across, it was all to no avail, and here I am, devastated for the second time in about two weeks.

This hurts more I think than when my ex did what she did, because I feel I love Charity(this new girl's name) more than I ever loved my ex. Because of my ex, I have been extremely cautious, selective, and downright untrusting in order to find the right one that would complete my life. However, I get skunked again.

I truly, deeply, and completely love this woman, and I have faith and believe in my heart that she will return, because things will go bad for her with her ex again, it's a pattern with him.

What do I do when the only one that can fix my shattered heart is the one who broke it? Nothing has taught me how much I could love like having my heart broken.

I need help once again. Please oblige?

How sad to be confused and toyed with.

She is not The One, cause there is no The One.
You fall in love with people who fill up your Love Bank by meeting emotional needs and she met a lot of your important ones.

Other women could do that.

She also did not owe you anything to fix your shattered heart. Only you can do that by not expecting it from others.

I don't mean to not support your sadness but I won't lie to you either and tell you that you and this woman are meant to be together and she is the one, cause she is not.

Be hurt by it all and then mingle like crazy til you find another woman who isn't torn between two lovers!

Not really. If she were truly kind, she wouldn't have treated you this way.

She is committing so many lovebusters and is showing you she will likely commit adultery on you when you marry. Are you prepared to deal with this as it continues to grow exponentially throughout your life? She is borderline freeloader/renter ... go for the Buyer and have a great life!

I would step back from her ... then take time to really really heal from your nightmare.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. At least you found out before you were married, rather than after.

Are you sure she is really divorced? Have you verified this?

My heart just breaks for you. I can hear the sadness in your text. I don't have any good advice but I will be praying for your heart to heal.

Since you think she will be back, you need to figure out whether or not you want to feel like this again when she leaves to give him another chance.

Maybe I missed it, but how long have you known this woman?

Regardless, it is clear that she is not just not marriage material, she is not even ready to be in a relationship, so you need to run for the hills while you still can. As much as this sucks, it's better that she pulled this stunt now instead of later after you are engaged or married. Sorry .

AGG

This was in my email yesterday from Divorce Care. It is SO powerful.

I appreciate the input, and thanks for the prayers prissanna.

There are no easy solutions to this I suppose, I'm like all, looking for a definitive answer, a 'magic bullet', even though I am learned enough to know there is no such thing.

str8jktmn,

Sorry you are going through this... these things are painful.

But, you need to step back from this person, and try to put your feelings aside, and look at what she is doing. She is still hung up on her ex and the best thing you can do is walk away from it.

Keith

So sorry for your pain. I agree with others that you need to step back from this one. Also if she is trying to reconcile with her ex, let her do it even though it hurts. The best thing you can do is protect your self from this kind of drama and not get stuck. Take care of yourself.

str8jktmn, how long have you known her?

I'm sorry you have been hurt again. Please don't let it happen again...if you LET her do this to you again, you can count on it, she will. That will then be your fault, not hers.

Go no contact on her. She's made her choice, she needs to live with it now. Spend time getting inner healing for yourself and then try and figure out what you missed...what signs were there that you didn't see, if any? Was she completely divorced when you got involved with her? How long had she been away from her XH before you knew her? It sounds like she needed more time to get over him and heal and be on her own before involving herself with you or anyone else. She goes from him to you to her mom, back to him...really, it'd be good for her to be on her own, not looking to someone else to rescue her. This is someone ripe for codependency, not a healthy relationship.

You can have a better relationship in the future, but only if you learn from this one. Don't jump back in too soon, take time for yourself. You don't NEED a woman...when you are in a healthy spot and ready, a woman in your life can be a plus, see, there's a difference. And try not to introduce someone to your children until you know it's permanent.

Now go dark on her, completely dark.

I was going to add more to this but kaycstamper summed it perfectly.

I'd like to add this. Your heart is hurting because she acted immaturely and with cowardice. She has behaved selfishly. She is NOT who you thought her to be.

So, what do you do now?

You wait until you feel better, until you realize you dodged a bullet. Then, you go looking again. I don't for a minute think she's the only one who can fix your heart. But, even if she is, you will get used to life without her.

Romantic love is fun and exciting. But, we can live without it contentedly. Being married is good, when it's to the right person, but we can lead useful, meaningful lives without being married.

Just because you aren't in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you're alone.

Wise words GreenGables!!!

I'd known her 6 months prior to our relationship.

She was completely divorced, in 2006. After about a year, her ex begged her back. She went through a spell where things were tepid, then they got worse. She left him again early last year.

He had no interest in doing anything but tormenting her until I came into the picture, then he started begging.

After I poured over our final messages, it becomes apparent that she is making this attempt for her son, who upon further recollection from our conversations I remembered he is either developmentally disabled or autistic.

I feel she is trapped in a cycle that most abused spouses go through in the end/rebirth of their relationships, which usually in the later stages has the victim returning for 'one more try' 2 or more times, until things do actually work out, or the realization arrives that 'enough is enough'.

I know from personal and family experience the difficulty involved sometimes when leaving/attempting to move on from an abusive spouse. Sometimes it takes years. I myself fought for 6 years to save my marriage alone(with the help of Dr. Harley, of course), to no avail. I finally had to set a benchmark at which 'enough was enough'.

Going against advice, I'll probably accept her back if she returns, BUT, there will be a clear understanding between the two of us before I allow her all the way back in.

Good luck str8jktmn. I cant imagine going through all of this pain again already, It has to be hard. But outside looking in, id say i agree with everyone's opinion to move on.

I don't think she's "the one", as you said, I think she is bad news. There are people out there who are simply not good relationship material, due to excessive baggage, drama, etc. She seems to fit that type.

I am guessing that you are going to keep getting hurt by her until you cut the cord completely. But I also understand the need to find out for yourself, BTDT.

AGG

I also wanted to respond to this to tell you are wrong, and you need to end it. But it just may be one of those situations where you need to figure out on your own.

You should though ask yourself why you want to be treated this way?