Many years ago, during an argument, my wife told me she was having an affair. Later, she said that she only said it to hurt me. That rang true for me.
But I snooped anyway.
I firmly believe she is/was not having an affair and that is not a topic I want to get sidetracked on. But her diary and emails contained alot of information that concerned me. Disrespectful judgments ("he never thinks of me, or the kids") and outright lies. An interesting diary entry: "I know Damocles hates me because I am smart and he has told me that he likes his women stupid, like his mother." That still brings a strong word to my mind.
Most concerning were entries where she described telling our kids things. A few lies, but mostly analysis from her POV that did not reflect well upon me.
I have continued snooping and seeing DJs and an occasional outright lies throughout the years and not said a word until now. I can't confront her or my sources will dry up. I am not going to put the kids in the middle of a he said/she said argument. That would only force them to choose sides.
I am having trouble with the snooping issue. It seems important to me because I think that I am getting to the truth of the matter in how she sees me. But on the other hand, it seems like she should have some privacy and outlets to blow off steam. I feel I should know that she has set about destroying my reputation and harming my relationships with other people.
I am certain that there is no malice involved but a great deal of recklessness. I think she hurts a lot and is lashing out.
I guess I�m looking for other peoples thoughts on the propriety of my snooping�

I am new here and am sure the veterans will have more advice so hopefully one of them will chime in too.

Snooping to verify an affair is good and recommended. It does seem very odd to me that someone would claim to have an affair they didn't really have. So I would definitely have done the same thing. Have you found anything to show there was or is an OP?

I wouldn't take her diary entries as DJ's. To me I would take them as her vents and letting off steam in her own way. They sound more as showing her unhappiness and the things in your marriage that have upset her. I would use this as input on what you need to change in your marriage for her to be happy. I would start by continuing to verify for sure if an affair did happen. While doing that I would work to change the complaints she brought up and meeting her needs to be the best husband you can be.

The lies are definitely things she will need to work on as they are a definite LB. Maybe someone else can give you advice on whether to confront and how those. Confronting now with no definite proof of an affair yet, though may make it harder for you to verify one.

The mere fact she would tell such an intentionally hurtful, destructive lie during an argument is very revealing of her level of functioning. She lacks empathy and decency.


Lack of empathy and decency and a worrisome disregard for reality.


Straight out ASK your kids (each individually) if their mother has ever told them things about you that are weird or confusing.

"I want to help you if Mom has made any confusing or strange remarks. Let me know. I am available to talk anytime. We can go out for a snack and talk privately"

And, NEVER bad-mouth or name call their mother to the kids. But, correct any/all misinformation.

As in:
"What Mom said is incorrect. I do not know why she told you something untrue."


When your W is away, make a copy of her more egregious diary entries.


You must help them understand that their Mom tells stories.
You can bet your life she has told the kids things that confuse and worry them.
You need to be there to help your kids understand what the facts are.


Really?
You may have a much bigger problem.
Your wife could have a mental illness or a personality disorder.
Perhaps not.
Perhaps she has simply developed very bad habits.


This is not about you.
This is about your wife's inability to function within the boundaries of facts.


Telling the kids disrespectful and false things about YOU is not "letting off steam".
It is unscrupulous manipulation and machinations.


Here is your problem.
She is not a loving wife.


Here is my question.
Be honest.
Do you suspect there is something 'wrong' with your wife?

If the answer is "No" ..... then, my advice is to take her out to a fine meal without the kids.
During dessert/coffee tell her that you are unhappy.
Tell her why.

"I feel disrespected by you and the things you say about me."

Tell her you are open to listening to her complaints, but you will not condone her complaining about you to anyone but you.
ASK her if there is "one thing" that you do that currently annoys/bothers her.

Encourage her to talk openly TO YOU about her concerns.
Your reaction MUST BE a willingness to listen and accept her complaints as valid.

You can respond something like:

"I understand what your complaint is. Help me come up with a remedy."

A weekly coffee date with your wife to discuss her complaints is an appropriate response to this.

Give this approach about 2 months.
Then evaluate any improvement or any worsening of the diary entries.

The purpose of snooping is to facilitate your marriage, not to satisfy idle curiosity or engage in voyuerism. You should be bringing this information out into the open to resolve an obvious problem in your marriage.


She does not have "privacy" because you are married. Your wife is being secretive about her complaints about YOUR MARRIAGE. Her feelings about your marriage concern you directly, so it is not rational to suggest she should have "privacy" about something that directly involves you.

It is not healthy for your marriage for her to "blow off steam" about her marriage secrectly, when she should be discussing these issues with you.

Thank you, all, for your kind replies.

Grumpysgal: I am quite certain there was no affair. I only mentioned it as to explain why I began snooping. I am not particularly hurt by her diary entries but someday, we are both going to tip over and not get up. The kids would likely read her journals and have their perception of me soiled terribly. This is why I am so bothered by their existence.

Pepperband: Addressing statements with the kids � I cannot see how this could possibly turn out well for them. Mom says �A� and Dad says �B�. One of them is lying. When they were younger (now 18 & 17 ), I figured that they would be able to sort things out on their own. And I have seen that in some cases, but over the years I fear that characterizations of me have become defacto truths. Explaining to them that Mom sometimes tells �stories� is jading someone against their own mother. Wrong, in and of itself, but also likely to alienate them from the messenger � me. I have told them to feel free to come talk to me, but that has not happened.
Yes. Many years ago Dr. Harley brought up the idea of the Electric Fence personality when I called in. And I do keep copies of a few writings. The ones that anger me anyway. The ones that hurt, I guess I just back away from and try to purge them from memory.

MelodyLane: Bringing this out into the open � This has happened somewhat. I have not revealed that I am snooping but sometimes the contents of her private writings comes out in other ways. For example, she has told be directly that after re-reading her diary, I said or did �X�. I expressed my concern about the kids seeing that someday and her response was something along the lines of �What do you care? You�ll be dead anyway�. An example with a 3rd person: She emailed her sister that I try to do �Z�. Sister later tells me that I should not try �Z�. So now I can bring up the fact that wife accused me of trying to do �Z�. Wife states that she never said that, never would say that, and I owe her an apology for thinking that she would say that. I have a copy of the email so I am content that I am not imagining things. She does �discuss� her complaints with me. I�ve just reached a point where I cannot bear to hear her opinions of me any longer. So why do I go looking for them? Good question.

My suggestion would be to start demonstrating radical honesty yourself and telling her you have been reading her diary and are very concerned about what she says about you. Tell her that your concern is that she is unhappy and you want to resolve this. Again, the purpose of snooping is to facilitate your marriage, not just idle curiosity. You should be putting that intel to good use.

You might want to sign up for the online seminar with her so that you can have the direct help of Dr Harley. If your wife is being problematic, your coach and Dr Harley can help in that regard.

And I would also suggest having a heart to heart with your kids. If she is lying to them, they need to know that. They need to know the truth, that she is making things up. Saying nothing only confirms what she tells them. Silence signals endorsement.

No, it is not. The only thing that would "jade" them is her dishonesty. And you have no control over that. You should not aide and abet her lies. That helps absolutely no one, not your kids and most of all, NOT HER.

Isn't it your parental obligation to teach them right from wrong?

Is this how you taught them to drive a car or swim? Did you let them figure it out on their own? So why would you use this philosophy when it comes to something so much more important?

When the 'lies' she tells the kids are mostly 'opinions' (DJ) of her, than the situations may be not so bad as you percieve it to be.

Other than reading her diary, what have you done to better the marriage?

Why not start by saying you want to have the best marriage possible because she deserves that and that you brought a list of questions to get her view about things the two of you can do for eachother. (the emotional needs questionaire on this website) You may also want to print out the love busters questionaire.

Then you can get her view out in the open. She may have some perspectives on your behaviour that you do not agree with. It may be an eye-opener to you what she likes about you and what annoys her. You also have some things concerning her, that may improve your marriage.

Learn about how the two of you can meet each others needs better and she might have totally different entries in her diary. You may really have to stop snooping for a few weeks, because it does not exactly improve your love bank balance to see these things written about you. But I think you should really understand where you have been bothering her and did not know, so you can improve yourself.

If the two of you have done the questionaires and have come up with a way to spend 15 hours of undivided attention per week, then you can take a look at your first post (after 2 months or so) and judge if it was really such a major problem, or if you and your wife have just slid into bad habits concerning your relationship.

Your wife may or may not have an 'electrical wire' personality, but that does not mean the two of you cannot have a happy marriage. Do the work first (the 2 of you)


Good luck,

Happyheart