My wife told me end of October she didnt love me anymore. And may want a divorce. After a few weeks I checked into her emails and found a few emails and IM's from a engineer at her work talking about how she feels she needs him and they talk and cuddling means so much.
I wish I had left it alone for a while so I could monitor it but instead I exposed it to her what I had to both of her parents, all of our friends, our kids, my family and so on. She tried to deny it since then. I even called the engineer and talked with him. He agreed it got out of hand and would stay away. For a while I have been trying to believe her but I am pretty sure she has been pulling something over on me, or just in the fog. The other guy is 5 years younger than her and wants nothing to do with kids (He calls them rugrats). My wife moved out after Thanksgiving to a rental home about 7 miles away so I have no way of seeing what she is doing all the time. The kids have are living there but say they have not heard of seen anything of this other guy so for a while I believed that it was done. When it got exposed her mother called her out on it and told her she was not acting clearly in anything she was doing, but that just turned her away from her mother. She has also walked away from all her friends that I was able to expose her to all but 1. I find from the kids that if she does go out she uses that friend as the scape goat of going out always with that girl friend. There are to many times I know her friend would not be going out.
Her 1 friend I couldnt contact is also her HR person at work up until now I have not been able to expose it to her work but just today I found a system to send a anonymous message to the Managers or Ceo of the company letting them know what I know is going on with my Wife and this other engineer which is directly against there strict employee code of ethics policy.

So what is my next steps continue to try to save marriage and if so how?

1) Get an emergency order returning the children to your home. SHOES, WW can take when she moves out, not CHILDREN!

2) Expose WIDELY at their workplace. Stop being beaten by "niceties". Do not play fair in this.

3) Hire a PI to tail her during one of her "excursions". Pictures would be nice!

4) Isolate all joint finances from her. Transfer everything possible to your new accounts.

Also give us more to work with: # children, ages; your age, wife's age; years married

Sorry for what you are dealing with, but you have landed in the best place for your situation. Welcome!


This is your best angle of attack on the affair, But DO NOT do it anonymously. Send with your name and info. Here's a sample you can use.

Next, close bank account and open a new one at a different bank. Transfer funds accordingly. Waywards tend to get very creative in financing their affair. Do this first thing tomorrow. Seriously.

Do you know the guys name? FB info? Parents?

Me 37 Wife 35
been together for 10+years
married 3 1/2 years

As far as finances she is now on her own and I have all the money and finances. She is not used to ever having to pay bills I have been the money maker and put us in a good financial situation. She has never had to pay for anything other than what she wants for herself. Cars, homes, kids, vacations, have all been paid for by me. so this is a big big change for her.

I have not exposed to his parents but I will look into this.
I have sent the exposure email to the her work but do you think I should send a letter directly to her HR Manager or department boss or CEO also. How else can I expose it from there, it is a large well known company that holds employees to a strict standard of code of ethics in and out of work so that nothing would defame the company from how the employees act.

This has mainly happened at her work and on work time and computer.

I have thought of a PI but knowing when this could happen out of work is hard to tell and usually dont know till that night of or after the kids were at a friends house but even then she calls me some nights alone.

So what next or ?

Hi RTS

Welcome to Mb and sorry you are going through this but glad you are here to get the right support to save your Marriage.

It is reccomended that you should expose at work, here is the template for exposure at work. Do not send it anonymously , it wil, have more effect and credibility if you put your name in the letter


"Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________"

Hope that helps.

Okay, you semi-exposed, isolated her financially, and at least considered a PI.

You skipped number 1, dude:

GET YOUR CHILDREN HOME!

You also (intentionally?) failed to answer one of my requests for info: How old are the children involved? And now, seeing your short marital history, are they yours? Or are they the product of a previous relationship? Getting them home if they're HERS but not YOURS is obviously a non-starter.

There are 3 children none of which are my biological children. After we dated for a year or so I took these children in as mine since there biological father was a dead beat. I have always cared and treated them as mine and my wife wants me to stay involved with them no matter what happens. So I cant really get the children to come home legally but they do come over a few times a week. Ages 12,13,18.

I'm really unsure whether the affair is still happening some times I believe yes but other times alot of things point to NO. Of course if I ask her she will say no.
I heard from one of the kids friends parents that saw her out one night and wife had said she hadnt had a date or been out with anyone for a long time and was feeling lonely.

The reasons wife gave me for looking elsewhere is I didnt give her the attention and affection she wanted, she feels I didnt allow her to be a equal in the relationship, I was acting selfish.
I have done alot of soul searching and found where I could have and should have acted differently and should have reprioritized things including business.I have talked with Steve Harley he helped me put together a letter explain this to her and let her know I'm sorry and am receiving coaching on how to do things differently, I gave that to her about a week ago and she seems to be decent at times not so angry but she has not brought it up. I'm thingking I may need to address it verbally. Steve suggested I need to show her I would meet those emotional needs for her in hopes she would open up. It's getting really tough somedays to keep the hope and confidence up.

Do I approach her or? I always get worried of rejection so I chicken out. We have had a great relationship up until the last 6-8 months. I know I did things to alienate her and what she did is not excusable. How can I get her to want to be back involved and see the great things we had for all these years before but make them even better.

just got back from basketball game for son and sat next to her but she talked to me here and there and then would turn away.

Get to work on the workplace exposure. The tools you need have been provided. Send it to her immediate supervisor, HR, and a couple of VPs as well. If her HR enabler friend intercepts the message and does nothing with it, then she opens herself up to a whole new level of culpability and trustworthiness which could jeopardize her job. Lay it on her lap and watch how fast she scrambles to cover her [censored]. You may get two for one on this. Just make sure she's aware you've taken it higher than her, and she'll be forced to make some serious decisions pertaining to her own self preservation.

She'll think twice.

Okay, admittedly, I missed this the first time around. Who did you actually send this email to?

It is a reporting service for her workplace that will go to the headquarters and then should be sent to her facility. In the process it asks if anyone else at that facility may be involved and I said not sure if her HR friend would be covering for her or not so I'm pretty sure it wont be going to her. I would expect it to got to not only her supervisor but his supervisor and the head HR person for the company. They will follow up with me within 5-6 business days to let me know where the process is.

I feel like i should keep working at this. Wife has met my emotional needs I guess all these years. I would like to have that back again but not sure how to get her to open up. Do I try to let her know I'm sorry for all her things she has complained to me about or? Alot of the issues are little things she stuffed for years and years. Or is that just a way for her to justify what she has done? or combination of both? I'm looking for a plan to move forward. Any help

I think you will have much better traction if you focus on getting the evidence of the affair and gtting it out into the open. It is obvious that she is still in her affair. She won't allow you into her life until you kill the affair.

You can do that if you get the evidence and then do a complete, comprehensive exposure.

Who is the OM? Is he married? Does he have a facebook page?

He is a engineer at her facility.
Not sure if its still going on. honestly not trying to stick my head in the sand.
He is not married he is 5 or 6 years younger than her
No facebook page.
I am waiting to here what fallout happens later this week after the work investigation starts from the email and questionare I sent.

I do love my wife and want to fight for our marriage as I believe that if you can fight through the valley you will be rewarded with a much better relationship. The funny thing is she was always the one that wanted to make sure and take the temp of the relationship and didnt want to take a chance of loosing our relationship but now its the complete oposite. I never had thoughts of leaving the relationship ever but I also was never worried about it because she was so pro active to make sure we were good.
I find out now though that she was keeping things that bothered her inside for years and not dealing with them.

So what next?

Expose to the OM's family if you haven't done so already.

Also, try to stick to one thread. It helps to know your history. If you click the "Notify" tab at the bottom right of each post, you can ask the moderators to merge your two threads.

Good job on the exposure, by the way.

And make sure your kids know ASAP. Agreed, good job.

Expect it and embrace it. The madder she is, the more she "hates" you, the stronger your blow to the affair was.