Yesterday I found out about an EA and PA she has been having with one of you grad school classmates. It took spyware for me to catch her and for her to come clean. I asked her many times before to come clean and if she did I might be open to working through this but she always denied and said they were just friends. Some details

Im 27
she is 26
together for 7.5 years and married for 1.5 years
no kids
OM is single and 26

we attended the same undergrad college together and she went on and pursued grad school. The year we were engaged she had to move away and attend the first year of grad school. It took me a year to find a job and follow and this long distance (12 hour drive) is where it started.

3 months before our wedding was the first time it happened. It was also the same time I found a job and was finally moving down to live with her. The long distance put a strain on our relationship and we talked about how we both lost some love for each other. She had what seemed like a close relationship with one guy that was a concern of mine and I asked her then if anything happened or if she had feelings for him. She denied it, and I moved down there a couple weeks later. Everything seemed really good between us, we got married and ever since I thought we had a decent relationship. We had our fights but it seemed like we both loved each other.

Fast forward to the past 3 months and she started to have more contact with this same classmate. it got me concerned and led me to confront her a couple more times asking her to tell me the truth of her feelings and her coming clean would prove to me she was wanting to work on our relationship. She denied it. It didnt add up for me so I put some spyware on her laptop and came across a convo on facebook chat of them fighting.

Turns out he kissed another girl and she was upset. So from the chat I learned:

1. this was the second relationship they had
2. this one was going on for 3 months
3. she never used loved but said she cared so much for him
4. he was sorry he kissed the other girl and wanted things to work
5. she was telling him it couldnt and the added stress was too much for her and she was going to work on her marriage

To me, I got the feeling most of what she was saying was more or less a game to try to get him to come back.

I couldn't it anymore and confronted her only about 10 minutes after the fight. She denied it for a second and when she finally realized I knew she started to talk and cry. I didnt initially tell her what I knew or how I knew it. I just told her I know what is going on between her and the OM and told her to think really long about what she was going to say next.

I said if she wants any chance at all with me and our future she will not lie and tell me everything I ask. I told her if it doesnt match up with the info I know I am leaving for good.

She was really emotional and for the most part told me what I already knew from the convo I had. She said it happened before we were married and it got physical 2 or 3 times. And it started again 3 months ago and it has gotten physical 5 times. When asked if she slept with him she said yes.

I asked when this was happening and how it started she said it has only happened on the weekends. Some weekends she will go out with her girlfriends and by the end of the night she would tell me she was just going to take a taxi to her girlfriends apt and sleep there. Instead of driving or taking a taxi to our place which is 15 miles away from the downtown bars.

So the EA started with the OM being a classmate, but it turned to a PA when her girlfriend started dating the OM's roommate and one night they spent the night there. And that is how it continued both the first time and the last 3 months.

2 of her girlfriends know about this as it was going on and she told her mom about it yesterday. Her mom has always liked me and I believe is really pushing her to realize what she has lost and what she has done.

Since this went down my wife has been really distraught and begging me for forgiveness and telling me she will do everything possible to save our marriage. She says she knows it isnt a short process and I might never be able to forgive her but she wants that chance. She has said she is a wreck and has never felt like this before in her life. I believe her with how she is telling me she feels, but I question if it is because she could have lost me as a person or if it is because the life she has been dreaming of might not be, if that makes sense.

When I left the house yesterday she also said she called the OM and told him I knew about everything, said he cant call her, text her, message her, and that she ruined her life.

The biggest hurt for me is she lied about it to my face when confronted. There were lots of other times that I confronted her about a lot less serious of things. More like white lies, and she always came clean and she has always has been a very guilt concensous person so I started to let my guard down and had complete trust in her.

She is pushing real hard for me to just tell her I am willing to work on things because of how the thought of me leaving is making her feel.

I am real hesistant to move forward so quick. I was actually going to move out of the house tonight (into a hotel)and try to think about what has happened, but she came home before I got out of here and actually as I was typing this. We just got done talking for a couple of hours. Ill update what was said in another post. This one has already gotten to long for most to read.

Thank you to those who did.

Young, no kids, short marriage Dr. Harley says run and I wholeheartedly agree. Have a nice life with someone that deserves you!

Oscar, just what are you trying to save? Something you never had? She cheated on you right before your wedding, and shortly thereafter. So, again, what are you trying to save?

There's nothing to save, plain and simple. Run like hell from this woman and find one with some moral decency. I don't think you'll find one person on this board recommending an attempt at reconciliation.

The truth of the matter is, you were never together to begin with. Cut your losses and run.

You want to know what to do?

DO NOTHING!

Not trying to be glib, but make no life-changing decisions for six months, minimum. Give her at least that much time to repair what it is that she heartlessly broke. Get Surviving An Affair, available on this site. More important than YOU reading it is having HER read it.

One thing about your story provides hope about your (combined) chances. To POSOM, your wife reportedly said he cant call her, text her, message her, and that she ruined her life.

The fact that she is, so immediately, accepting her primary guilt in this is not typical.

Thing is think things through act do not react.

WW must send the OM a NC letter.

Never reveal your sources for info for the WW will just close off that access.

NC means that WW is going to have to switch colleges because there can never be NC with the OM.

You have started exposure and need to complete it. At the minimum the WW parents and siblings must be told. ALong with the OM parents.

No more opposite sex friends for WW.

WW must NC the friends that enabled her affair.

No more girls night outs either.

If WW won't do this for a start then you should not agree to recover the marriage.

So sorry you have to deal with this.

I will just mention that all cheaters aka waywards lie when asked about if they are cheating.

Few admit when confronted. That would mean admitting something quite ugly and even though they have done it, they dread talking about how they have.

This is probably the only time I would disagree with NG. Cheating on him right before AND right after getting married?

I don't think so. I'll just leave it at that and quickly jump out of this thread.

Ill update what was said tonight...

She came down to me and asked if I wanted to talk. I wasn't sure if I was ready for it yet. But I started with telling her the best thing she could do to ever get me to think about trying to reconcile is tell me the truth without leaving out any details or things she might think will hurt me or her. I told her if I find out anything she was about to tell me is a lie or partial truth that everything will be over with me. I told her Im not ready to commit to anything and I still need time to really think about what I want, but I had some questions I needed answered.

I asked her for details about the first time and why it ended and why it started. She said he initiated the first contact and they had been drinking, she said while she had great regret over it and felt very guilty it also gave her a feeling that she didn't get with me. So it continued to happen for 3 total times. She said it ended because she felt so guilty and knew it was wrong. They talked about it and they both said while it was fun that she couldn't keep doing it. She said she never told me about it because she was so scared I was going to leave.

So this all happened 5/2010. She then said she kissed him on 2/2011 but nothing else happened. Then she said it started again 11/2011 and continued like it did the first few times. After bar close on weekends. She gave me details when I asked about everything that happened between them during these encounters and I feel it was the truth.

She described the relationship as different from ours in that she never really saw a future with him and she claims she told him she would never leave me. But it gave her a different feeling than what we have had for a long time. The sexual chemistry.

She said they talked about how they both felt guilt for what was going on.

She admitted she still has feelings for him and is unsure when they will go away, but she is committed to never putting herself in a situation where anything like that could happen again.

Unfortunately she has 1.5 years of school left and it is a nontransferable med program. So if she leaves now, her dream will never happen. She said they don't have daily contact and it has mostly been a love/hate relationship they held.

It seems the main issue with our marriage was she had on again/off again sexual chemistry with me, but said she never lost the love for me as her best friend and could never see herself in a marriage with anyone else.

My biggest complaint and issue with the marriage was also the sexual chemistry, it was evident she wasn't into it a lot of times, which then made me not really into it, but there were also a lot of great times I know we both enjoyed it.

And our issues never really would get resolved. we would talk about them but then it seemed to be more of a wait for awhile and forget anything thing was wrong and move on

One of my biggest fears was that we met too young and didnt really get to see what sex was like with other people and that someday one of us would feel the need to.

I told her I am unsure what I really want to do at this point. I am concerned this is happening way to fast to really get anything to change and improve our relationship. I have told her I dont think I will ever be the same person and I told her whatever the 1.5 years of marriage we had is gone to me.

She said she is willing to do whatever it takes to start the process and wants to prove to me it can work out.

Any outsider perspective would be much appreciated

After seeing the initial comments I will add my feelings right now is it would be a lot harder for me to go though a divorce and live with the fact I didnt try to save what we had, than it will be to try to reconcile. While I am devastated, lost all trust and respect for her its hard for me to give up after the way she has been acting since it happened.

While our marriage was 1.5 years and a sham we did have 6 years of a great relationship before.

I have not told her this and have said I have a lot of thinking to do before I know what I want.

I was thinking many of the same things since reading forums and articles and have told her I would probably need a lot of things done for me to really want to fight for us.

She told me she understands things will have to change and she is wiling to end the bar scene, end spending nights apart, and a lot of the freedom she had will be gone. She said it is worth it to her and will be willing to do it all... counseling, therapy, reading books.

The only part of what you said that will be hard to accomplish is switching schools to really end the contact with the OM. Everything is nontransferable and it would mean ending her education and dream of becoming a dr. and also having a student loan sum of about $160K with no degree to help start paying it off.

So that is a major concern of mine going forward.

Her losing her 'dream' is a cause of her adultery.

I don't think meeting too young and not having other partners is a valid reason for adultery. There are many of us here who had one partner - our spouse and are perfectly happy and faithful.

I have generally just stayed in my own little corner, and haven't posted to anyone...but apparently it's time. I'm not sure I'm qualified to give you advice per se, but I will share my story.

After being married 2 months, I moved across the country to attend grad school-also in the medical field. About a year in, I cheated on my H, (with a clinical instructor no less). I told him about it, said I would do anything. And by anything, I meant, I would read some books, go to therapy, etc. I certainly didn't mean quitting school. The only reason he gave me another chance without me quitting school was b/c I am in military and I literally could not quit b/c they were paying, so I didn't have a lot of options.

The point here, is that even w/o the military, I'm not sure I would've been willing to quit. I just had a good excuse, so I didn't have to show how sorry I was, or how much I wanted it to work. I never accepted responsibility for what I did, and continued to blame him for pretty much everything. I never showed him any just compensation for what I did(which would've been quitting school-military be damned, and moving back home), and we thought we were 'recovering' from it, but in reality, I was just continuing along in my own selfish life. So a little more than a year later, and I do it again (with a different guy). And if it weren't for the lovely people on this site who bashed me with more than a few virtual 2x4's, I never would've taken responsibility.

I get it, where she is coming from relating to the school thing, and probably where she has you wavering about this. I spent a long time preparing to get into school, got accepted into a program that only accepts 10% of applicants or less. It was a hard program, there were a lot of student loans (even with the military). Yeah, I was able to finish my program. And now I make a lot of money- and I also happen to love my job. Whoop-te-doo.

I would give it all up in a second if it meant that my BH would give me another chance. And I'm prepared to- b/c I might not be able to get a job doing what I do where we live now, and might have to go back to doing what I was doing before I ever went to school, ironically enough.

Thing is, I should've done all that the first time around. I am apparently, what one might call a 'slow learner'. From my point of view, if she's not willing to give up school for you, she either

A)doesn't love you as much as she loves school and/or
B)isn't really sorry about what she's done and ready to take responsibility.

And I say that, not to be harsh- but b/c I was there, and those are the exact reasons I used every excuse in the book to stay in school.

Without NC there affair will restart. I have seen this happen too many times.

What is more important WW career or WW marriage. If WW puts her career first this is a bad sign.

WW just has to go to another school and get more student loans if she wants to be a Dr that bad.

There are consequences for adult actions. Your WW has to act as an adult and put the marriage first and quit this school. Start over some where else. Maybe she can take off two years or whatever is needed for the OM to graduate and leave this school.

The way WW made it harder to have a good marriage she has to do the extra work to recover.

As to WW career. She made that harder. So if she wants to still be a Dr she will find a new school and new student loans.

In my attempt to reconcile with my BH, I have (happily) given up all of my 'rights' to any dreams and goals I may have had. And I'm a girl with some BIG goals and dreams. But as I told BH in an email the other day, sure, if we get a D, I'll probably eventually go and do that stuff- but it will be a consolation prize, and will pale in comparison to the opportunity to be able to 'just' be his wife and bear his children someday.

It would be an added bonus and a complete blessing someday if I was able to stay married and accomplish some of those things with BH at my side, but the point is, I truly don't care anymore. I want him.

...it would mean ending her education and dream of becoming a dr. and also having a student loan sum of about $160K with no degree to help start paying it off

Boy, WW really screwed the situation up, didn't she?

I'm not clear on the attribution of the $160K debt - Is it specific to HER? Or is it, by the existence of your marriage, shared by the two of you? (If you're not certain, become so!)

The nut is going to be this - Ongoing contact between ex-APs is almost universally a death-sentence to recovery efforts. Without some artificial "wall" separating them at the same program, I'd bet against your marriage surviving.

At the same time, that enormous looming debt hanging if WW does leave the program will likely do insurmountable damage to your ongoing future lives, affecting normal marital developments like pregnancy planning, home-ownership, even normal vehicle-acquisition. Resentment will readily build in her ("...and I gave up my dream as well...") and you ("...and I didn't even have the affair....") as these external limiting factors are reached. It is an MB principle that "sacrifice" by either spouse has no part in a strong marriage. In your case, it's hard to fabricate a solution that doesn't involve someone sacrificing something.

More immediately (and I'm talking absolutely practical concepts here) you and she have a timing issue. You should not even think about committing to a recovery plan until she is inviolably out of contact with POSOM, and she'd be foolish to leave her program until you commit. You and she have a game of "Marital Chicken" going on, and everyone stands to lose in that game.