Well guys, I'm done with MB. Sorry but its just not working. I just cant get to a point that I feel safe and until that happens I cant let him in.
When I snoop, I find IB's that I didnt know about and when I ask about them I get half truths and lies.
For example: There was this girl that used to call him daily (sometimes multiple times) about questions on her car. I told him I didnt like it becuase she depended on him too much and he got a kick out of it. Anyway, I was snooping the other day and found out he had a car in the garage for a side job..... he never told me about it so I asked..... It took me asking 3 different ways to have him finally say it was her husbands car. I dont even know if that was the truth or it was hers since he didnt want to answer the question. This makes me think the following.
How many times has he had side jobs and not told me?
What is he doing with the extra money?
How many times has he left the shop and not told me?
Who shows up at the shop and I dont know?
Witholding one thing makes me think he is witholding a whole nother life. I cant feel safe so I cant allow him to deposit anything in my LB.
Thank you everyone that has tried and failed on my behalf.
CV, never got that special thing either. Nice try.
You aren't going to like this, but...
1) If MB isn't working for your, it's because you aren't working MB.
2) What are you doing to make Openness and Honesty safe? Yes, I know - "He should just BE honest!" That's what people think, that's what people say. Folks right here will get in and "You go girl" about dishonesty, and conveniently forget that this is
Marriage Builders, not Disrespectful Judgement and Demand Builders.
What does Dr. Harley say about overcoming dishonesty?
The way to help an "avoid trouble" liar learn to be truthful is to focus attention on honesty and ignore everything else for a while. I encourage such people to tell the truth in return for their spouses not telling them what to do. In other words, minimize the consequences of the acts that they are afraid will get them into trouble. Instead of trying to punish your wife for going back on her promises, I would put more emphasis on safe and pleasant negotiation, where she is free to explain what she wants to do, and give you a chance to offer alternatives that are genuinely attractive to her.
What happens now is that she feels she is "made" to agree with you. You have told her that unless she does this or that, you will leave her. Even in the beginning, you explained that unless she stopped smoking, you would not even date her. She has learned to agree with anything and then do what she pleases to avoid a fight or being abandoned. But what if there were no fight? What if you wouldn't leave her? I recommend that you try to stop fighting with her, and you stop threatening to leave her. When she tells you she smokes, tell her you would appreciate it if she didn't, and offer her incentives to stop. But I wouldn't use threats.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5016_qa.htmlLook at
your response to dishonesty here; you throw your hands up and say "That's it! I quit!"
So here is my question for you; do you
actually think that is the type of behavior
from you that is going to inspire honesty
from him?
It's not.
Honesty with you should be safe and rewarding. If you have to drag the truth out of him, hitting the roof and threatening divorce is NOT going to promote honesty. It's going to promote dishonesty.
Why? Because the association is this; the truth = you freaking out.
Even though the truth many be; discovering lies = you freaking out.
In fact; (anything = you freaking out) = avoid whatever makes you freak out - no matter how it's misunderstood.
You CAN maintain boundaries within a marriage without threats of divorce or separations, and you can promote honesty without hellfire and brimstone about dishonesty.
You need to build NEW habits.
You ain't done it yet.
MB ain't workin, cause
you ain't workin it.
I got upset because he didnt tell me..... Not becuase he told me and I didnt like it. There is a BIG differance there. He made a bad choice in taking the job, yes, BUT if he had told me about it instead of me finding out, I would not have freaked out.
Are you trying to say he can do anything he wants even if it is an EP and never have to tell me about it even if I ask? If that is what MB is about then NO, I ain't working it and never will.
Its not the truth that gets me upset, its the having to drag it out. Lying by ommision is the problem I have with this. I cant feel safe if every time I snoop, I find more independent behavior. Examples: not being where he says, not doing what he says he is.
And I have decided to quit becuase I have no follow though from him. NONE! Neither I nore Dr.Harley can make my husband want to follow through. He has to decide that on himself.
Actually, MB via Dr. Harley provides a guide to create new habits in Marriage. It provides paths to make change more desirable - as the above article that I linked to you lays out.
It's the same thing in creating other habits.
Beyond that, you didn't really read a word I wrote, did you?
You scanned it, decided that since I'm not patting you on the back and aiding you in demonizing your husband for lying, that I'm not worth listening to.
Let me repeat;
The truth of the issue is that you are freaking out because you discovered lies.
To
him, it appears if you are freaking out because you discovered the truth.
In other words, you discover a lie and freak out, and the association is made that truth = you freaking out.
Why? Because you freak out and threaten divorce when you discover the lie.
Read the quote, read the ARTICLE, and tell me that it isn't EXACTLY what you are doing RIGHT NOW.
Tell me that. Tell the whole board honestly that you aren't using secondary gain to issue a threat, rather than doing anything to promote honesty.
I was betrayed on 1/26/2010, the day before my wife's birthday. Not too far out here, and I simply cannot see justification for this kind of behavior towards a spouse.
You want your husband to be honest?
Then QUIT freaking out and threatening to leave him, and start REWARDING honesty.
Honesty is NOT a given, it's not a right, it's not an entitlement. We toss it around as a virtue or mark of a good person not because it serves that person, but because deceit infuriates
us. DEMANDING honesty is a selfish act.
You want honesty? Make yourself safe to be honest with.