My wife had an emotional affair as she puts it and i dont believe for one second thats all it was. I found out in Dec and she told me it was just texting, then found hidden email accounts in the middle of the month of december and she said that she had the account a long time and he was emailing her just to ask if she was ok after me finding out. Then Jan. 31 i find in the trash letters she wrote to him (which she called her feelings and a way to get them out) addressed to him pouring her heart out about how much she loved him. She bought a pay as you go phone so they could keep talking. He was trying to pull away because I let his wife know about the affair through facebook. How many times do i need to be kicked in the head. We are in therapy now but i dont feel my wife understanfds how bad this is. She has said she is sorry but i dont feel it. She is emotionless in her actions because thats the way she is she says. I feel its because she really isnt sorry. She has a drinking problem that she is denying by not calling her self an alcoholic like i know she is. I am just at a loss of what to do now. I love her deeply but feel i am tossing my love and affection in the trash barrel. Any suggestions?

It has been shown that alcoholics need to be in AA before recovery can stick.

Time to hide a VAR in the house and WW car to catch phone converations. Install a key logger on the PC. GPS in her car. Above all do not reveal these things to WW.

Every time WW and OM break contat make sure you tell OMW. You need pressure on the OM on his end to not make contact with your WW to costly to continue.

Find a reputable polygrapher and schedule a test for your WW. Then tell WW the appointment. As the date approaches WW/WH are known to spill the beans before they have to go to the test.

Don't cancel the test many WW will just trickle out some of the truth hoping it it enough to get you to cancel the test to prevent more truth fromhaving to be told.

Welcome pj to MB's.



One of the first things Dr Harley would do in his practice with counseling couples was to determine if addictions were an issue in the marriage.

If adddictions were he would suggest the addicted go to a treatment program for such addiction and refer the other to a support group. Since you say your wife is alchoholic then it would make sense you go to Al-Anon.

He would not even begin any type of counseling since the addiction would be the first priority to the addict. Only after successful completion of a program for the addicted then he would consider counseling with the couple about the marriage.

You see the addict is like a black hole and there is nothing you can do to fill that hole. As long as they are practicing their addiction that hole will be there. Any care and thoughtfulness you provide will be used to support their addiction.

Addicts in general (most-not all) are not capable of returning the same care and thoughfulness in a relationship. To recover the marriage means the addiction must be ruled out so you are both on the same playing field.

Most (not all) have an extremely hard time following the MB's program as it requires POJA/RH to be successful. The addiction usually messes this all up and it becomes extremly hard for the BS.

I am not trying to discourage you from being here and posting just know the issue with alcohol may need to be addressed before much progress is noticed.

Could you please let us know more about you?

How long married?
How many children and ages?
First marriage for you both?
Are you doing any type of snooping to insure the A is over?

nESRE

We have been married for 20 years. We have 2 children ages 16 and 14 both girls. This is both our first marriage. As far as snooping to make sure the affair is over yes I am. Thats how I found out it was going on. I had to check phone records because my daughter had run up the phone bill and found my wife was texting an old love of hers. Thats how it all began. I have been watching phone records, checking computer history everyday, asking where she is going and basically being my own PI. She has not had a drink (that i know of) since Saturday. We had a blow up Sunday because my kids found out she drank. Real bad scene in the house on Sunday. She comes from an alcoholic family. He dad was (well always will be) and alcoholic. Lots of her uncles are as well. She knows she needs to stop but is fighting it. She thinks its still ok to have a glass of wine with her meals or when we go to a function. She hasn't really confessed she is an alcoholic but does say she has a problem with wine. She does not want to go to AA because she believes she can stop on her own. She believes if you want to stop you can. She is in therapy weekly for her issues but not just for the booze. As far as her affair being over, I went and visited her boyfriend. Got my point across pretty well. Or should I say my fists did. He was trying to pull away from her anyway because he was exposed to his wife and also was fearful of me. She said she wanted closure in the affair they she didn't get. In her notes I found it says something completely different. Hope that helps. I still believe she is not telling me the entire truth about the affair. She wrote in the letter "to think i had you here in my home, again what was i thinking, risking it all for you". She says that meant allowing him to enter her home but not in the physical sense. To me that sounds like crap. I want to move on and heal. I just feel until she owns up to the truth we cant do that. She says over and over again he wasn't in the house, she didn't sleep with him and it never got physical. He was her first love and took her virginity back when she was 16. So you tell me if they had sex. They had been texting and chatting on yahoo for over a year. Plus he works nights and she was a stay at home mom. She would be home all day while he was home all day. He works 4 to midnight. So the option for them to meet up was there. She said they meet twice in a parking lot just to talk. I don't believe that for a second. He lives 5 miles from us. He is a drunk himself, lives in his mother in laws basement, had been tossed out of the military years ago, has 4 kids by different mothers and she claims he has bad medical conditions. I make a real good living,own my own family business, have a nice house, nice cars, nice toys and have given my wife everything she needed. Doesn't make any sense to me.

This is why you need to schedule a polygraph test. Once your WW hears the appointment date WW will spill out the truth as the time to take the test gets close.

I agree your gut is correct. WW's are known to lie.

Thing is once you ask you can't unhear an answer.

Hi pj, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. A couple of questions and then some comments.

Have you personally spoken to this guys wife and his mother in law? If not, I would speak to them and make sure they know about the affair.

What about your daughters? Do they know about the affair? Dr Harley always recommends telling children and explains why in the link in my signature.

Exposure to all your family members gives you your best chance of recovering your marriage. The more people who know about the affair, the more people to hold her accountable. And the more you help her wake up and see what she has become. What she has done is despicable and everyone should know about it.

As far as him being in the house, your wife is lying about that. No doubt she is lying about sleeping with him too. I would make an appointment for a polygraph and tell her 2 days beforehand. Tell her you are giving her a chance to prove her veracity. Tell her she has one last chance to come clean before the polygraph but that she had better pass it. Hand her a list of questions and give her a chance to answer them before the test. She will likely sing like a canary.

In regards to her drinking, I would give her an ultimatum. AA or the highway. Stop drinking today and go to AA or get out. My husband gave me that ultimatum on April 27th, 1985 and I have not had a drink since. An alcoholic does not respond to thoughtful requests to quit drinking. They respond to LOSS or the prospect of loss.

Thanks for the response Melodaylane and congrats on your 10 years. I did not speak with his wife directly but my wife did tell me she is aware of the affair. I sent both her and her sister messages on facebook. I did though speak to his mother in law the day I went over to move his nose for him. She answered the door not knowing anything. She asked if I worked with him and I said no, I am the husband of the woman your son in law has been having an affair with for the past year or so. As far as the lie detector goes..I don't hold much faith in those because I have beaten them before. You have no idea how easy they are to beat and my wife knows that as well. I think she is more afraid about my reaction to the true answers. I know she is lying. Just need her to admit to it. Maybe in time with therapy she will. My kids know EVERYTHING! I read them the letters. She swore to their faces when she was first found out that it was over. So I exposed her lies to them. Went over real well!!

One other thing before I have everyone hating her on here that reads this. I admitted to slipping about 12 years ago. I had a one night stand with a woman at a convention. I don't know her last name and have not seen her since. I told my wife after I found her love letters to him. Kinda hoping she would come clean with me. Back fired in my face cause she still holds on she was never physical or had him in the house.

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PJ, actually polygraphs are very successful and we have used them ALOT on this forum with great success. Of course, they are not 100%, but we have had great success with them. We have had many, many true confessions come out of a polygraph.

I would contact the OM's wife today and tell her all about the affair. Anything your wife told you is likely a lie. She likely doesn't know and might be able to help you kill the affair.

Therapy is a complete waste of time that is a distraction from her real problems: her alcoholism and your marriage. It is not going to help your marriage. She needs to get into AA and focus on your marriage for now.

Lie No. 1 from WW's: the OMW knows about the affair.

Why do WW's tell this lie?

So you believe and then they have prevented you from telling the OMW.

TheRoad. She might be lying about her knowing. But I told the OMW mother the day i went to confront and reposition his nose. She witnessed me tossing him around like a rag doll so I am pretty sure she told her daughter.

PJ, can you get ahold of the OM's wife? If she is trying to save her marriage, you could be a great ally to you. The OM's mother may or may not have told his wife. Many mothers cover up for their children and the fact that this loser is living with him's mommy tells me she may that kind of "mother."

Mel, unless it was a slip of the keyboard this POS is living in his MIL's basement, not his Mom's.

oh wow. I did miss that. Even so, I would be in touch with the OM's wife because she could be a great help.

Yes slip of the keys. He lives with his mother-in-law. She was the one I told. POS cant even afford his own place. Big time POS. I would hope that the OMW mother would tell her daughter that her husband is a scumbag. But have been by since the face smashing and his car was still there.

Did you read my post, PJ?

You would think she would, but don't make the mistake of assuming she has. Like Mel said, find OMW and tell her yourself.

Yes mel i saw your post. I will try and get intouch with her. Facebook is taboo in this house now. I told the wife no more facebook and the account is closed. SO not sure how to get intouch without accually going to the house. Not sure that is a great idea either. I would assume that the mother in law would call the cops first glance she gets of me. Already have issue with the police in this town.

So the OM and his wife live at her mother's house?

Can you do a search and find the wife on facebook?